Next move foward as God uncovers things...

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Dec 17, 2023 6:24 am

RELATIONSHIP CORRECTION
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I'm disabled mentally; This makes me weak; it just does; in the outside world I'm weak; I need extra help.
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When Around women; I was never treated right or wrong; I was shunned before I started when they realized I was weak and could not follow through. I did not follow through because of fear in my mind; PTSD and Dissociation… AVPD…( it wasnt the present women I was with; it was the past). But the women I was dealing with shunned me before I ever got started…
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Im now getting it; It was prejudice; It was over before it started… And I didn’t like that. That's not why or how I wanted to be dismissed. BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED:
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NOTE: What I didn’t know; I was around women who were out of my league. They did not like me; they were not attracted to me; I just never understood who I was around. It never went anywhere…
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Weakness;
And now the realization of this; I'm starting to wake up… Finally just a little at a time. I'm awake enough to now pray to God for the right type of people to associate with. I have very little faith n hope in God to bring the right kind of people; And Ill have to work with God on this whole thing. I don’t know who I'm suppose to be around that would respect me; I don’t know! Its risky business out here…
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Ill start with God on all this stuff…
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This is also the beginning of the end of the 12 step groups; where I'm regularly at these meetings… The goal is about relationships at this point concerning why am at meetings. So; I would like to get to a point of working out relationship problems to a point of acceptance so I don’t have to go their anymore…
I feel I have relationship stuff left to work out; after that I may not need to be their anymore unless its just maintenance…
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NOTE: A general gap resides between where Im at and work through the concept of relationship. Its like being on one side of a river and Im trying to get to the other side and don’t know how yet to do so.. I work with God and imagine a bridge going across the river; that kind of stuff; and thats the kind of work I have to do until this gets strengthened. So; Im not done yet; I have to still go to meetings…
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FIRST LOVE:
So; What did she do; that Im switching to God for help concerning; Where I want to be in Gods realm.
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I was easily manipulated…
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I was completely manipulated in one specific way that appears extremely important to look at.
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NOTE; I had no mother ever; So; I have a desire to open up to someone so I could have a close friend; some how at the time; anyone; I was desperate for anyone who would take me into a family. I wanted a friend; but I never talked to God first and I will pay the price for that. I did feel the massive pull from the universe but I got pulled off my trail of my pathway into the dark forest…
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And the First and most important aspect…
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I WAS LIED TO!
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What does this mean in this case; pathologically lied to; it means in conversation of any nature; she made it appear completely normal in conversation ( like a normal relationship was building) when in reality nothing of that sort was occurring; She was not with me; ( her heart). she was lying completely; complete manipulation to see how far she could lie to me( get away with it). But this type of liar will lead someone to their death…
And I was 100% fooled; fooled by it; I had no idea… Nothing; and every word from this person; every phrase every action was a lie. I had no idea; I did not know; I did not see it; it felt like normal; like I could bring up intimate things and just completely relax and talk with her about anything; nothing seemed wrong; but in reality; it was all a set up and all of it was wrong and dangerous… She was playing me every phrase and every movement and every word…
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I was easily manipulated verbally. And that is scary… and whats more scary is that by getting more intimately close with personal conversation; She responded normal and naturally leading slowly to deeper positions of interest; they appeared responding; they responded openly; sincere; completely safe and normal ( It appeared safe; it was not). I never even thought about the word SAFE; as if I wasn't safe; It never occurred that our conversations where a trap; they were complete fraud; complete manipulations…
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Its important to note that this person was a continuous lie; and all words and phrases and gestures that continually led to more deeper conversations were all lies; all of it; completely… That is what is so horrific; Horrifying…
This is a complete monster! So; what was I doing?
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What scares me the most was how easily gullible I was. I had no idea… nothing; I was completely taken… I look at myself and at-least I can see it… Its a horrifying thing to go through. TO be completely manipulated and not know!
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I start today with a relationship with God.
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I had no idea I was dealing with criminals that would try anything and all things; all fronts to manipulate other people completely with no conscious. Sadistic; Sadists…
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What scares me is; I had no idea… Nothing. I thought I was finding a friend; when in reality; I was talking to a monster… I was looking for my mother and an innocent friend. I had no idea!
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Looking back; God wanted me to look back because it was all manipulation on the other side; from the others side; all lies… The way the person acted like a human being was a complete lie… A complete fabrication.
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They did not just pathologically lie to me once; they continued with it smoothly to act normal through all conversation and all of that was contrived… Evil; terribly dangerous.
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Im trying to bring up a point; the point is about speech. I was lied-to; manipulated in the speech process; This is where the person really took advantage of me. I was completely in the dark… meaning; I had no idea I was being fooled conned maneuvered or manipulated by speech and the behaviors associated with conversation with someone; physical closeness; everything… I opened up completely never knowing I was not dealing with a friend or someone that wasn't safe; That's what really brings out the hatred in me or fear… or disappointment in myself; or the fear of being around a sociopath of this nature.
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However; what God is showing in this: The monster I was dealing with…
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And God is showing me what happens when someone is thrown away and has no one protecting them when young and where they end up trying to get love or family acceptance… I ended up in the arms of monsters… who stayed monsters. I was eaten alive… I never knew it… I never knew the conversations and closeness were faked… and all lies… all contrived… completely. Sad and sickening.
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God is teaching me now to look out for this behavior by others. Because pathological people will try anything; they are lawless and do not care about the outcome to the victim… Nothing.
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This always tells me how much God loves me and wants to help me. But I have to Come Home to God and stay with God in Gods will and realm and let God bring the right people into my God based vortex. Ill work with That.
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Number one issue Im now finding in relationship; TALKING. They can be talking and listening and acting relative and communal and close and friendly and its all fake; all of it; completely… and I can be faked out never knowing the relationship is a fabricated lie; or the building process is a lie.
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This tells me; instead of finding out they are lairs; its better to not associate with such people in the first place; avoid them.
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God is finally helping me; Im finally getting it; or getting into the reality of the truth… A reality that allows me to see the truth…
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The speech thing is very important to me because speech has to do with trust… its important for me to be around people that are trust worthy in their actions and sincerity and speech…
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One must remember; In my stories of my past; like with this girl; She never came to me. No one sought me out and lied to me. I was taken to their house; I was always going to them and then they manipulated me like a sorcerer from hell… A satanic monster… And generally; they never came back to me. I always had to go to them. Red flag; They are out of my league. And I was compulsive to be around them. But I thought I had a chance at a friend… I had it made. Unfortunately it was 2 good to be true…
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It was all violations; thousands of them from the front; from the start to the end; and thats all this was… nothing more.
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Who ever they were; I was never suppose to meet them!
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In Gods realm; This would have never happened I would have never met them…
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This is all good; for my future relationship interests; Speech becomes the number one issue… They have to be trustworthy in their speech.
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NOTE; I want to feel love and protected and that cant happen without God and literally high level frequency and safety…
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I understand that in today's world no one appears trust worthy; However; it was really no different in my day when I was young…

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The key is to stop looking for them; Instead; stay with God; stay safe. And let Gods pathways and mediation create a relationship with God and myself; allow God to help me better my experience on planet earth.
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NOTE: SO: I WAS AROUND PEOPLE THAT WERE LYING TO ME…
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So; knowing this; that is a gift from God to understand the deeper meanings of this. It means fundamentally; there is no future in this; nothing! . And this is what I have to beware of. This is the starting point; ( The Deeper Meaning of This; something im beginning to understand privately with God); This is the beginning of my new training with God to be restored; to be half way safe or feel half way safe in society… Something like that… So I can become a human being again and live with other human beings… Im getting bits of it; the beginning of it… I cant be around these type of criminal based monsters… I am to easily fooled… and thats just the first problems; The beginning of the problem; But its the last of the problems because I get it; Im awake enough; I get it.
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New discoveries while at the meetings; thats why I go to the meetings; Im always getting new insights from the universe.
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My main movement of interest is in Relationships; getting self back.. getting myself back inline with the universe.
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Here is what is hitting me right now.
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First;
Relationship concepts;
to get this concept back( Relationships); will be the same as when music and art came back to me; same process; Relationship will be dissected into smaller pieces and sections and each will be worked on a journey with God until each part of the concept of relationship comes back to me and I own it; it belongs to me again… for the first time under God.
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Journeys concerning relationship development.. Meaning my development within myself to understand and receive the ability to own my own concept of relationship and to get it back under my control; Gods control? Didnt God have control of it all along; maybe not; because I never gave it to him…
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Journeys…
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So; its much like music and art; getting both those concepts back… Its the same kind of journey for relationship.
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NOTE: Notice I did not say I want to date anyone. This is not about dating anyone; This is about getting the engine that creates relationship; getting it back into working order again. It has been smashed in a war from years ago. Now; Ive taken it into Gods garage and God and I are working on it. And I have support from the 12 step groups indirectly…
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So; Where do I start;

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So; The first concept under God is; That I be set up with honest decent people; people that can be trusted in their speech… decent values… friendly safe people… This happens first by working with the universe… and God and meditation. Privately I understand what is going on here.
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Im getting the bigger picture that being around dangerous wrong people will get me nothing….. it is a black hole…
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So… Working with God; and also; Working with God concerning the right people; this will take some real understanding and trial and error… experience. This will not be free… it will take much work to seek out these people… God will bring them to me; but that will take massive work visualizing and meditation and new stories and many other things. All good.
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And this is just one area of Relationship; making sure the person is safe and decent; the people I associate with; and have values… And working under God and allowing God to bring the right people. I do not go bug people and try to get them to like me… I don’t do that anymore; to dangerous…. Way to dangerous…
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Thats where this starts…
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This also starts that My First Love was simply a Liar… Its a strange; ox·y·mo·ron
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As there was no first love; For some reason I had to make this out to be something it wasnt; I guess Unicorn Fantasies. I was innocent and desporate for purpose and contact and someone to love; A lamb to the slaughter..
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Broken and alone when young;
Heres the deal; I did not talk to God enough; I was not working with God. I was not under Gods care with it. I got pulled out away from God or ran away from God or pulled away from Gods pathway and thus I was off course and off center; I ended up in the Forest of the Dark.. By the time I made it back to my trail again; I was half dead; and completely manipulated and used… I was used by the creatures of the dark… I was used easily and simply by them… They were Godless Predators. I had no business being on that side of the dark world; I was supposed to be in Gods hands. In fact; I can see it now; I can see who I really am in Gods eyes… I must have forgotten or gone to sleep. Now I see it again; and now I really appreciate it again. This time Im not being coerce’d.
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The key to all of this is not just the other person involved; its more about me coming to my senses… and for that to happen requires years of recovery work and a whole village helping me and God… amen…
To be destroyed this way; by a narcissist or a sociopath is horrible. And one may never come out of it. And one can come out of it or start to with the right help and years of work in the recovery process digging deeper and deeper and deeper into the truth… the truth sets a person free but it rips my ego apart…
However; sometimes the egg must be cracked and broken to look to see what is really inside… This is not my usual way of talking; its a bit visually un-inspired but it works.
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The fact is; I did not have God with me nor was I living under God and having my own needs met and taken care of. Instead; out of desperation I ran off to find others who might take care of me. Instead; unfortunately I found others that would take advantage of me… horribly… Theirs many ways to rape a person; not just physical. Many ways to murder someone; its not just physical. And many ways to ruin a person permanently with out physical attach. And one can be murdered and raped and ruined literally. Life is a risky business…
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So as I face the truth and my senses slowly come back to me I report it here…
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So; The next step for the present is to sit with God and take my romance and love and relationship needs first to God and work things out with God; sit with God and visualize and meditate and see what shows up in my imagination. The idea is that I be sitting in a square vortex and I just allow receiving and see who shows up around the edges of my large square… Who God brings me. The key is; that their spirit will be that of the same as God… And I take no less… I stay away from all else… And this I have to learn how to do. And learn to respect. Im lucky to even be alive; Im 1 1/2 damaged… I used to be all damaged and three times that.. Im still very damaged.. Disabled damaged still. Just starting to wake up and become aware. I was 2 weak to handle this; and any reality.
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The hard part concerning ;
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GODS WILL NOT MINE:
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What does that mean; it means I don’t turn to my will or insecurities in my mental state right now; and; its not bad at all now; before it was horrible… I turn to God first; under Gods umbrella… ( Im still under pressure) And I sit with God after meditation. And I just learn to open my hands and receive and talk to God about it; and just sit and meditate and talk to God afterwords and write stories about what I want as if its already happened…
The key is; I don’t drop away and go out into the world using my will to mindlessly get what I want; if I do I end up in a black cauldron of hell every time… its like being sent to hell and then I have to find my own way out and its just Horrible… I don’t want that anymore; Im so tired of it. I will just go to God and let God bring what is needed. Sit with God and avoid everything else.
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So; Its kind of an appreciation for Gods will and staying away from everything else. This means; I really put my energy into meditation and focusing on Gods will and visualization and writing new stories about how working with God has brought me everything Ive wanted… The key is; I stay with God and not drop my safety frequency level.
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STAYING WITH GOD:
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It was a strange mistake to find myself around the wrong people in the wrong places at the wrong times. I trace this back to having my life blocked out of existence by my parents when I was young; When they divorced; they also divorced me or having any acknowledgment that I belonged to them.
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When I found myself in their new families; They didn’t know me; my mother or father. I was thrown away…
They attempted at some point to get rid of me completely… They did not acknowledge me; that I existed; they treated me like a second class citizen at best…
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I dissociated reality when those things were happening…
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At some point I dropped away from them and the schools and people around me and in a state of sadness and horror left the areas…
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However; I found myself dropping into other peoples houses; this was an act of survival from where I came from; I was in a dissociated state and found those new people; but they were as bad or worse then what I came from; and I didn’t understand it. And I will be set up and used and thrown away from them as well… These were ( what appeared to be) nice families; In the end; I was never accepted; I was looked at as worse then dirt; white trash. I never knew… this will happen numerous times. Ill be the last to know. I just never knew who or what I was dealing with.
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The point is; in a state of dissociation I found those bad people; its allot like children thrown away who get on a bus and leave the area into big cities on their own; only to find bad people who scoop them up from the bus stops… and those children are never heard of again.
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The same thing happened to me…
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My memories are filled with people who used and rejected me after I dissociated from reality of having no real love or people who cared about me because I was thrown away. And then I find those bad people.
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Here is the problem; or solution;
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As if I was correcting the past; and I was back in the past; how would it be done differently?
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In order to stay a strait line; I have to stay with God and imagine Im with God and never go outside of God. I have to imagine I do this in my past… I stay within my bounds when young and don’t leave; instead I secretly and silently go to my room and stay with God and thats where I get my nuritment. That is where I get spiritually fed. I do not go off looking for a best friend or a girlfriend. Instead; I stay put.
The goal is to imagine this.
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And what do I find. I find its attraction not promotion.
First; Do I find anyone showing up where I live; those bad people at other houses I met; NO! No one knows me.. I have not ventured out to meet anyone for the first time; So they never show up or can influence me in anyway…
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#2. If I stay a strait line with God from this distance now; from my vantage point now; I can imagine getting the help I need and staying in Gods vortex and watching God attract the right people to me at the frequency Im at. I stay at that nice person level decent person level sensitive human being level. I stay at that level. It never leaves because I never leave it; Im always praying to God; I don’t leave.
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I don’t pray and then go to the bad peoples houses to get attention; Instead; I learn to pray and meditate and I get fed from God and the right directions God sends me in order to get help… I go down a Gods pathway; Gods will; not my will of reacting to my situation. Its hard at first; but I go with God and stay my ground…
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I GO WITH GOD AND STAY MY GROUND>
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In Gods world; Im worth something and I know it. In the world around bad people; they don’t care about my worth; they will try to convince me Im worth nothing; they will trample me under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces. At first they will play act me to death to gather my trust and get my walls to come down; my protective walls…
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2 Apples; one is good the other rotten. Do I put my energy on the rotten apple… NO! I throw it away and focus on the good apple.
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I was spending my time focusing on people that Jesus couldn’t help. If Jesus wouldn't help these people or couldn’t help these people why would I think I can. They never asked to be helped and they never claimed their was a problem. Only in the end will I see these sociopaths for what they are…
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WHERE AM I AT NOW:
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Im in a great place; but a beginning place. The pathway ahead of me is very strong place I must become; and hard. For me to climb onto that trail; I must go through several developments and tests first. Im now working on those things to strengthen me. Many of them I have not started yet; but I get the over all wisdom and picture of what is going on here…
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Im attempting to get back on my lifes trail and stay on it this time. Ive not been strong enough to stay on my lifes trail. Now; Im wanting to; That is the difference; that is what Im fighting for.
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The truth has been exposed… The key is not to worry about the zombies on the sides of the road in the forests screaming or yelling to get my attention; Instead; keep steady and stay on my trail and only look ahead; look forward and stay with God; pray with God and get into the cockpit area of the vortex square Im sitting on as I meditate… This is where I get my nourishment.
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SO; Im being guided by God… And I see the path before me; and I get it. Now; I have to learn how to stay on my path…
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When younger I got onto others paths who I thought wanted me aboard. They did not; instead; they just played me like they wanted me abaord; but when ready; they through me off the boat… where I would drown. The point is; those are not God people; and never will be. I did get a feabish nonsense desire for a while to want to save them; show them the way; That did not last long when I realized the type of demonic people I was associating with; They knew right from wrong; but they didn’t care nor have to; and they never asked me to be involved in their lives… it would be just as easy for them to have never met me; it meant nothing to them either way…
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So; what means something to me.. thats what Im focusing on today.
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TRAUMA BOND
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Im learning just now how to let go of the addiction to other people. Im just now getting under current of strength from God; an awareness so I wont be taken away with the Tide… And I wont be… Im not chasing those kinds of people anymore. Im not chasing people at all ( not true; but Im working on it: God please help me). Im chasing God and then God will bring the right ethical people my way; IF I work with God on it first… And God will and has proven himself to me.
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Lots of PTSD triggering now my pathway; Thats what has stopped me… reliving what ultimately made me dissociate in the first place; Now; I am more then willing to stay on my path because fighting for and staying on my path is my survival for everything thing. What ever comes up; I must work with God on it; In the past Ive taken plenty of side journeys to build up to getting back on my path; All under God this time… SO; now Im asking God to help me stay on my pathway… and I have learned a little and want to apply it. Its scary and I mean; way way over my head. Its like damn; thats a tsunami coming at me; And Im suppose to just sit here on my path and what; I want to run Thank you.
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CONCLUSION FOR THIS BLOG
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NO FRIENDS!
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What does that mean? It means in the past; going through the past; working with God; almost all the people I reached out to had no interest in me at all; Nothing! They were complete strangers who did not want me; they did not want me around. They had no invested interest in me at any time during the time I knew them or was around them. Many of them were just playing me until I left or they could get rid of me. They were not interested in what I was thinking or thinking about them or being friends with me or I with them; they did not want to be friends with me. They were concerned I was ever associating with them in the first place. I meant nothing to them because; I was simply a lonely kid in the block desperate not to be alone; They didn’t care…
God never sent me to these people; desperation sent me into many directions… I was mentally ill and delusional. These were not people that cared. And; they were not nice people. I was a nice decent person.
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NOTE: However; I had a problem; I had dilutional expectations onto the world. And this made me want to demand them and act out to get them. What I needed to do was sit quietly in Gods realm; wait upon God.
I simply was at the wrong house holds…. In the wrong neighborhoods in the wrong life… This is what happens when there is no father at home or male figures… And I was destroyed going out on my own 2 young into the world for connection… The people I met had no interest in me. Why would they; I was a stranger who just kind of showed up at their door step.
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Ill continue to write about these things sifting through the information to the end of my days…
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So; here I am; almost in the same state I was in before ever meeting these people… these strangers…
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I feel anxious; horrible anxiety and insecurity associated with people; where Im a decent person but all alone… alone in a world that has not seen me or accepted me ever; no one. This tells me Ive not been connected to the right people…
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Who's fault is it that I was not connected to the right people. When young; it was my fathers fault.
Now; being in the recovery world for many years; its landed on my lap and Gods… God and I working together as partnership; a team…
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OK; So; I have remnant memories of the past; some still very much trying to hold me; but its like watching PTSD on a screen… I know they are not real… They are manipulative… However; I don’t need them anymore because Im showing real signs of being able to handle basic reality a bit… Im a bit actually present and working on more of it; to a point; I don’t need yesterday.
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However; this causes a problem; by working through yesterday; I began to feel the grief; the real grief of yesterday gone… and Im experiencing a bit of that; it will get worse; it will get better as I face the thick of it; its not the first time; hopefully Ill be able to face these losses and move forward… .
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GOD N ME;
What does that mean; I do not have power; God has power….
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So; the goal is to meditate and sit and imagine Im sitting in the vortex of God; for me that is like a big big magic carpet; Im sitting at the end back of it; I mean ive got a few feet from the back; Im squarely; altho in the back area; Im squarely in the middle of the carpet. In the front of this 20 by 20 foot carpet are the ends of the front of the carpet; and to start with; God brings new manifestations onto the carpet that I wish for and have worked with God for… I visualize what I want; ( much much work ) and when aligned with my higher power… God; within my imagination; starts to show up with them in my imagination; they just kind of start appearing. However; I have to be at a high level of frequency; if not; they wont appear… How can they.
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For example;
Lets say I have a base level frequency that connects with insects; lets say its a very low minimal frequency; Not to take away from the quality of insects; However; lets just say their wonderful league and pathway is not at a high level in the world; altho its just as important… and they are just as safe and just as taken care of.
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So; I can attract insects…
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I work with God to feel better about myself; and within my imagination I begin to esteem to a higher level frequency. And suddenly rabbits and squares come into my radar within my imagination. Ive moved up in the world.
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Next; Ive worked really hard at feeling better and believing; working with the universe; Suddenly I can feel my frequency arise. Im now seeing horses and bears and elk in my frequency…
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So; I keep working on it and getting better; I begin to see civilization in my imagination; because its at a higher frequency…
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And finally Im able to believe I can attract some of its people. And working with God I begin to form the kind of human beings Im interested in attracting; Im forming them in my imagination. It will take me a long while to get it right; but Im working with God the whole time. Soon; working with the universe; those images start to really take shape and show up strong in my imagination. Thus; I began to add more stories of being with these people as if Ive already met them in real life. I start to draw them and I together as if we are in relationships. And I keep working on paper with taking steps toward what I want; learning to bridge gaps and walk over those bridges to the other side where my goals are; my desires are waiting. I write as if Ive met them; Ive walked up to them and talked to them. All the time working hand n hand with God through the whole experiences…
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This is the idea.
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WHATS MOST IMPORTANT;
When young I never worked with God; not on people stuff. Not on making friends or the right friends; and it was a disaster… My will got me destroyed… Got me into a black whole where I met children of the black widow… A black whole Ill have to learn to climb out of for my dear life…
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So; in a sense; this is the first time working directly with God on the right people. The goal is to imagine them until they start to grow in my imagination first; Let God universe to Gods will and I stay out of it; I can do all the other work but not drive the bus ever; That is a God thing… Not mine.
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NOTE: This is a very important lesson; lesson learned; very sought after; being broken and aligned to a point of not doing my will anymore nor ever desiring it again. Ill take the pain of being forced to sit without satisfying my expectations onto the world and promoting and performing to get them; Ill let it all go and instead sit quietly in a vortex square of Gods realm and just like a Father/Mother at Christmas who have bought presents for their children; I will wait upon God as my parents; and wait for Gods presents for me. Im not going after them. Ill believe that I have them so much that God will bring them into Gods vortex realm. I will stay protected in Gods realm and learn to interact with what God brings into that realm.
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So; Ive got an idea of what to do now… Im getting in direction with Gods help.
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Im just now learning how to go as is; into a new life. Im still controlled a bit to much by the glued in false codependent trauma bond memories of the past…
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Anyway; not enough to stop me. Im present just enough from the center of the PTSD to make it into the reality of another millennium…
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So; Im ready….
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NOTE:
Im starting to reminisce on how I was years ago before recovery work. At some point; very young; I could see myself married and talk about it.
After the mental break downs; a succession of them; I could no longer talk about anything like that; it didn’t exist; nothing in reality existed because I was not strong enough mentally to handle reality… I was completely dissociated from reality.
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Now as I do the work to get stronger; Im able to see the gap shortened between me and the everyday civilized world. I can even see myself talking about women that wanted to marry me. They are married now; and have children; These are women I met in the recovery process; nothing from my earlier life. However; Im not sure why God brought them into my life; For I was not even able to interact with myself… I guess it doesn’t matter; Ill never know…
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So; Im able to say; and talk about marriage and being married. And I can feel the rupturing in my personality; in those areas of pain and torture. I see the sexual abusers and feel being trapped; but I also have built a present for myself with Gods help; and its getting stronger and stronger; But that is from the angle of someone with mental illness and I don’t think others would understand who have build their lives but not from a mental illness point of view… However; its similar enough…
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Anyway; um? The gap is shorter shallower and Im getting stronger. I still have to work on putting a bridge over that gap; many bridges back to reality and society; but Im already talking more like someone from society now; not someone who is insane who wants to go to war with society… Im starting to connect again to it regardless of what happened to me; the many tragedies from the past.
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12 step work;
As long as barriers and walls and gaps exist between me and reality and things I want to connect to in reality; I continue to work on my recovery work in the rooms of recovery; the 12 step groups. I don’t see any need for therapy at this point; Im able to talk again and connect and put up with the nonsense from rude people in any gathering. Nothing is ever perfect. SO; Ill keep going because gaps still exist. And Im still disillusion and still reminiscing with fantasy about people from the past; much like reading a novel and day dreaming the day away… a constant rumination. Rumination protected me from reality… Now; its not so good. Its a waist of space and time thinking about a past I know cant be will never be; was never going to be. It would have been better to learn how to have a plan B if Plan A didn’t work.
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Today Im interested in learning how to have;
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Plan A
Plan B
Plan C
Plan D
Plan E
Plan F
Plan G
And so on……………………………………………
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If one plan does not work then….
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Even Sunny Jesus cant save those people who don’t want it; What makes me think I can.
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The point is; the world is an evil place; and I to am evil in reform. Im not perfect. Im a nice person but I have evil… I don’t like it; I turn to God… Gods will not mine thank God!
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So; Im dealing with people who make choices…
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God does not control people as far as I know… They have free will… So; they might turn on God; and thus turn on me.
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Life is a risky business; better to have much support going into this turbulent mess…

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THE GAP:
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So; Ive been working on gap building; meaning; in my imagination; creating bridges over gaps within my past.
Development is the key working with a higher power…
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So; I practice steps… in my imagination… God helps me; pre development…
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So; With all of this work Ive done for several years; and let me say; I always work on this kind of stuff…
Maturity; IS the problem; I have massive gaps in my development. Working with God on this.
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I create these bridges because Ive come to the end of myself at many subjects… and have to go beyond.
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So; with years of this development; Ive slowly become strengthened.
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AT THE STORE:
Suddenly while at the store today… I got this premonition from the universe.
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I immediately felt a movement in the frequency in the universe from the universe… A changed occurred suddenly in the imagined process of creating steps visually in my imagination. I was practicing.
And suddenly; The gap I was walking through; suddenly I was stronger; and the ground was more filled in…
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However; the most important aspect; the gap shrunk by a few feet and something better happened; suddenly I saw or FELT myself getting closer to having a car; This translates to maturity…
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I ride bikes; Ive done so for bit less then half my life. I love mountain bikes but could not manifest a car. The reason: I was like a little kid inside and little kids don’t drive cars; it was 2 much reality for me.
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What does this mean; It means many things; But it means because I consistently do this kind of work; its creeping over into helping other areas of maturity to grow. What that means is; Ive been working on creating pathways for a long time within my imagination with Gods direction.
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Suddenly after working on relationship gaps suddenly the car issue shows up and Ive broken through a bit of the pathway gaps concerning having a car… That means a complete growth concerning that subject; that means all subjects in general just moved forward. That means the break within myself is slowly growing together… It happens like a small earth quake within the spiritual realm; within the universe… it means Im getting stronger… Its great when something like this happens… I did not expect it but I expected something to show up; But not this; but I get it…
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This was a big deal; it means things are getting closer… What does it take to become a rock star or have a car or a marriage; it takes a CHOICE. In order for that to happen; I have to repair and come up to speed with being alive again. And what has been happening in the gap areas of what Im working on; Its happening for me… And its showing ups.
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This is a huge smash through simply for its significance… Its about smashing through into a new life and leaving the past behind… And that's whats happening. The universe is making it so…
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At some-point in the future Im working for those large gaps to mend themselves up… and become one again. With more experiences like today; it shows that its happening…
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The goal is to keep up the work until my desires become reality within my imagination… That means the gaps will have their own demise; they will have been worked through bridged over and walked through and back n forth 4 million times with God holding me up through half of it all in first person point of view; as if its actually happening… Thats the kind of work I do. Its getting closer; The more work I do; the opportunity for the universe to help out. And thats whats been happening… The work is in my imagination.
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When or if I come back to reality and theirs no more resistance to having a car; ill simply want one and start their; and then start building the pathways to a car in my imagination. I Can do the same thing now; do it again; its been a while; a nasty deep rigid gaps reside between me and a car… So; I guess the universe has had me do relative work in other areas of gap closing practice and its affecting the car issue as well.
Its all about being torn up by abuse and thrown away. And with the work Im doing; its creating the opposite affect. Im forcing the heal up of whats been ripped open and Im forcing the universe to take me from those places so I can start a new life; thus learning how to walk and function on my own again and go after my dreams. Its fantastic.
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Grief…
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This occur es as I move forward and move forward back into the present is possible if Im strong enough. And working with God and recovery process and success based work in my imagination over n over n over; is strengthening and giving me success and hope..
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Good things are happening and showing up; I just need to keep at that.
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Im burned out from recovery process… Im so tired of going to meetings; but I will continue.
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Gaps and resistance. I understand how God has shown me how to work on this problem of arrested development and Im working on it every day… Still its a slow hard grind… I keep it up… its allot like lifting weights; the results of getting stronger wont show up for months or longer… .
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This development Im doing; working on is what I needed and wanted when young; I never got it. Now Im doing it for myself. Its taken several years of preliminary work; ( all Good); to lay a foundation to work on; to develop on. This means the main results wont start showing up for a long long while when I first start.
However; Now Im slowly being shown results of getting stronger in the present as I bridge over these gaps in my imagination to my destinations…
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Many times I saw the candy at the candy store; I walked into the back room where the shinny candy is.
I introduced myself. The problem is…. I had no business in the candy store; I had not bought anything. I had not been invited to the back room to buy any candy. I did not have an invitation…
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The problem is; the candy looses nothing even if I chat with them. I went to them. They lost nothing. I can imagine how much potential that candy has; but that candy has made no commitment to me. Nothing. Has no interest… They can sit all day long on the shelves. They are not interested in me… I mean; Why would I think they are… They never came to me… they did nothing…
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Who did I think I was; who do I think I am. Does it matter who I think I am. Others don’t see me the way I see me; they see me the way they see me.
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The goal is to be in my God vortex; And from their; let the universe attract who is suppose to be at my level.
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I got caught standing on a ladder when young attempting to make myself look more then what I was; I would then go out and meet people at that level. But it didn’t work and I ended up getting hurt because I met people at a higher level; A higher level league; that didn’t have to do anything. They lost nothing; If they knew me; liked me; hated me; were indifferent; it meant nothing to them; they never put out any of themselves.. I just never understood this; I didn’t understand the system; the way its set up… I was going to the wrong people; the absolute most dangerous people on earth for someone like me… In the end I was devastated and destroyed. They didn’t even remember my name a day after I left.. nore did they care ever again.
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I thought I had privilege and could walk across this higher area; and walk to them and start talking to them as if I had passed the tests and was accepted into their higher league; WHY WOULD I THINK THIS? I had expectations and a kind of false confidence entitlement. It backfired. I got thrown out.. dismissed; destroyed.
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And that's where the trouble starts.
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Its kind of like; I thought I was attractive but she didn’t. I never even asked the question what she thought. And in the end I found out the hard way I was not attractive to her and basically asked to leave or had to leave.. And I never could accept that… That's what im trying to get over; come out of Disney land fantasies.
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I was at the store; I bought things; I said hello to one of the staff people at the self check out. She was defensive and rude. Ive seen this before; its almost like ive been talking to someone to much or bothering them to much and now they are getting defensive. I don’t know if I have been or not. What I asked about was not to bad; I just kind of started a conversation… She ended it; I said goodbye; she kind of quickly moved me on verbally like she didn’t want me talking to her anymore. I did pray about it a bit before I talked to her; I was practicing…
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Its possible I said hello to her to much. And now shes feeling taken advantage of or something…
I did have an agenda; to practice socially. I have been working on myself and wanted to socially practice. It was good until I realized she didn’t appreciate it. I hope I don’t get booted out of the store or something for being a weirdo bothering the clerks; For the first time thats how it felt. Ill leave them alone now.
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So; Where am I now?
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Im getting very close to beginning understanding of how to work with the universe concerning relationships…
Im getting very close on the understanding of those I dealt with from the past and letting them all go… Im getting their; it is heartbreaking and hard… However; it is but the truth is good enough and I was in the wrong places at the wrong times… its no one elses fault… Next time; Stay with Jesus and stay away from the 304’s that do not value people like me! Who are Godless… “ If Jesus cant save them; what makes me think I can”. And their it is! Theirs more; Now; How about working with God with no expectations. Meaning; How about working with God with expectations with the understanding that I will let go of getting my expectations met in the world; and instead sit in Gods vortex and allow God to bring what I desire… meditation in hand.
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I still have allot of the past to work through; but its all concrete boulder moving; meaning; its kind of dead subjects or personal slights or smaller resentments… Its like moving dead rock; Its not like dealing with a death defying active spitting lava volcano…
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For example; In high school; My mother bought overalls; I picked them out; they had sunflower or sun on the back. I liked them. However; in the high school; a new coach; P.E. Instructor had it in for me a bit; He made a reputation of me wearing girls clothing. Kind of shocked me. I mean; That kind of thing never happened to me before; I had anonymity. A few problems arose… Just a few. I was a silent kind of person; and went through things. Its a big deal; it crushed my manhood being controlled by others; my development; it meant I was not safe in school because of a teacher; it wasnt bad; it was just that comment and the fact a teacher was singling me out; Stuff like that; Ill work through. It was like getting a bad reputation in school…
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I was semi popular in 9th and a bit of 10th grade until everything started to crumble in the 9th grade; When that happened; I lost all my friends and I dropped out of the lockers I was sharing with others. Well; some of those locker buddies didn’t like that and I got kicked by one of them in an embarrassing way in the hallway… I was no longer his friend and I was moving on. I guess I didn’t get his permission.
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I was changing; changing back into an innocent person again; myself under God.. And so everything changed…
Ive got resentments like that to overcome; but those are nothing considering the more major murder of my life by others in my earlier life.. And some of the girls that set me up at that present time…
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So; Im in fairly good standing right now for working on self and working on the foundation that takes me into the next millennium. Im in fairly good standing right with God…. I can talk to God…. I trust again… Im eagerly learning.
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12 step meetings;
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Women; With some I don’t get any respect; Nothing. Its not good… However; these are ruff meetings with ruff people. I have to remember this; ruff and tuff people from ruff backgrounds…
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I speak allot. Generally for some for many it goes on deaf ears; they don’t listen; they just hear a bunch of mundane random noise and don’t take any of it seriously; Its no problem for me; Im giving back what the universe wants me to spit out at them; but they don’t even have a spiritual base; many of them; maybe a basic beginning level.
Some are young and Im simply Grandpa… Im not taken seriously anymore by people like this. Nothing; they hear me as random noise to get out of the way… No problem… Not everyone~!
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I still speal out the information anyway. And I talk many times during the meeting… I don’t shave; I look like a bum-fights on you-tube… No problem. Im now officially FAT. Hopefully dealing with the universe; Ill choose to lose weight and stop eating so much stuff with sugar in it.
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So; Im incognito… in a way… Others no nothing really about me. And I have no reason to think otherwise… every-time I talk their looking for prejudice against me for something; its almost to keep me down or their opinion of me; Thus; when I speak it wont matter because its coming from God; and they don’t have a good reputation God? Im not sure that made any sense and I don’t feel like editing it.
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So; what is good that is going on in my recovery.
First; Many these haters are showing up around me and making fun of me or showing their true colors… And this tells me Im starting to outgrow them. And why is this happening?
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Its happening because Im growing spiritually and developing a system with God that is pre paving my foundation for my next level of development and its well underway. Its not their yet? But almost!
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What does this feel like? It feels like someone putting down ( creating) a parking lot! Putting down paving ( concrete) on a parking lot; thats what it feels like… Im creating a space…..
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Its not done yet; but whats so important; this is a paving experience… This is a parking lot out in front of me built by me and my higher power. This means; This is in the present and its work going into the present world… and its a foundation to develop on and work on… and when its finished; I got to jump from my inner self out into the world onto this tarmac where I have developmental goals for myself; And this was created in the present by Me and God; with Help from the PEOPLE in the 12 step groups; the RECOVERY process… Its a village effort to bring me back; altho not all the village knows whats going on….. and most wouldnt care probably but they wouldnt mind either…
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SO WHERE AM I;
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Ill need more time to build bridges from where im stuck and at the end of myself within my soul and spirit and nervous system and personality from damage. As I get better at it; more bridges go up faster from my imagination until out in front of me are nothing but bridges from my feet leading way across the divide; the great gaps onto the shore of the other side of fire lake… the lake of loneliness.
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These bridges also are leading to something else I never knew about; they are leading right outside into the present; right out in front of me. Im learning to deal with my wounds and pain and move through into the present again as myself; and just start over… And that is whats happening; like waking up from a bad dream; waking up as myself… That is whats happening. Im not there yet… But a foundation is being build into the present life and has been for awhile; And it looks like my beginning independence will start all over again from the beginning; and in a real sense; I wont remember a thing from the past… And That is God! God can do that; the Universe can do That; Sunny Jesus Can do that; Higher powers Will: Not mine… Amen.
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NOTE: I start to have faith God Jesus Universe knows how things can happen. All I have to do is imagine what I want and I also like to create pathways on paper or art paper from where Im starting from to the end destination. And I pray and visualize myself walking down that pathway in first person point of view…
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I have allot of Purpose in my life these days…
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Problem; FOOD! FAT…

Next move foward as God uncovers things...

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