June 2025
May 2025
I had about a 15 page blog; full a all kinds a new stuff. And It got erased. And its no big deal because I worked through so much of that over n over and naturally moved on from it to the next blog; Many new concepts. Ill try to remember them and go from where Im at right now after writing the blog.
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Lets see; Im trying to remember. I move through things very fast these days on to new concepts.
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Mother;\
I was trauma bonded by her severely from the beginning of my life; thus controlled by her trapped by her. I never grew... Only a television set did I have to see what life could be like.
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However; Developmental trauma disorder; So; impossible to move outward toward a new relationship. the time I tried; I made the mistake of needing a mom; and talking to my mother who was actually a sadistic monster and I ws sub level verbally assaulted at death levels of abuse against my worth. it was just sickening and it poisoned me. It was simply brutality. Much worse; She the was a psychopath... I was broken down again. I can feel and re live it just writing about it; it made me very ill; I had to leave the area. This was a situation on top or added to many other situations. I had already been broken numerous times. It would take nothing to break me again; I had no support; I was all alone. I had no strength; completely delusional with limerence... weakened to the point mentally I could be pushed over by a simple bad word against me. completely destroyed.
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So; if I was interested in a girl when I was a teenager; I would have had to have been free of my mothers control through trauma bonding; IMPOSSIBLE> But by chance that happened; I would have to be able to stand in front of the girl; tell her exactly who I am or was; and express my feelings toward her... .
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So; I watched a show one time of a person expressing his feelings to his wife standing in front of her. SO; I thought; when I find a women I like; Ill stand in front of her and express my feelings. SO; I found one I liked and stood in front of her and nothing came out.
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Here's the problem; I can operate 2% out of 100% at getting up close to a women I like; I really like; and telling her how I feel; impossible. SO; what do I do; Im disabled in this area. What do I do. First. I will practice. And I will ask for help from others who are able to train me or work with me on this. I will ask for help... and their it is... And I will do so to the point that after much time and work I will get stronger and better. This is mental illness through trauma causing the problem; Im not getting shallow middle class'rs involved in this... I will get those who have proven themselves and those will I allow to get involved.
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PTSD Dissociative disorder. AVPD Developmental trauma disorder. Phobias created from trauma exposure... Mental damage; amnesia. All of these problems keep me from being present. I have no strength right in front of me. Nothing. I can work on this.
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What is missing here; in a good sense? NO PAST BABY! I worked through and am working through and facing many things; Im no longer blaming anyone because I cant stand in front of someone and tell them how I feel; Im willing to ask for help... and their it is...say hello to my future.
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GOD is on my side; the universe is my friend... Things are always working out for me!
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However, I have faced a few things and I don't blame anyone else anymore. I simply when ready; will start the practice process and work at it until I get good at it; Its very difficult; I switch out at the slightest movement in front of me. Very serious problems. This will take a long time; I am severe disabled damaged in this area. And so very much to all of this I wont go into here.
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So; physical deprivation. touching someone; getting close to someone physically; almost impossible; I feel horrible and rejecting about myself when I get up close to someone and start physically acting romantic with someone. I hate it; Ive never felt so personally horrible like Im not in anyone's league for this. Its not about the other person; altho i want to blame everything for this,. I want to hide my face and run away in shame because I feel like i dont add up to this for this. Sexual abuse and things of that nature; it all adds up to rotten levels of self esteem; sub self worth. I will have to tell the other person how I feel when Im around them. This; getting to know someone and going through this is going to get very interesting for me... one step at at time in the real world.
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SOLUTION for physical problems up close; After explaining to a women about who I really am. I have nothing; I do want a relationship with her. but I have nothing; I mean; my economical situation is between me and God. It cant be between me and her and God.. I get help from the state. Thats between me and God. If she likes me and likes being around me and wants to spend time around me thats fine. Demanding or expecting some kind of economic change is non of her business. She cant go their. she will have to understand and accept. In fact; Im the one who will need help... But Ill tell her. Yes; I want a relationship with her; and this is where I actually stand in the world as I am. And what I have to offer is that I like her and want to be with her; I seriously dont have much else. If she can accept them; we will see what happens if she wants to go ahead with that. I will tell I dont have a voice to telling my feelings up close in front of someone and Ill need help for that. ALl of this help will lead me into the present and out of the past... thats where all of this is going.
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Ill tell her; physically; its almost like a phobia; not feeling comfortable doing the man role with a women. Im devoid of it. Im a man and if I can get back into practicing it; I mean; it triggers so much PTSD and switching getting physically close with someone and I feel so horrible at least at first; but if I can honestly tell her all these things and if she is willing to work with me then maybe; we will slowly try and see what it will take for me to break through a little bit; THe whole thing scares the hell out of me because of all the triggering of CPTSD PTSD... I mean. Ill explain it all to her and see if she wants to try ... Its my job to make myself clear from the start. ANd get the help so I can learn to be present again; and to tell her Im disabled in these areas. And tell her how I fee.
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MY FIRST LOVE; And anything else that will bring up grief from the past. Ive been working on things to the point that if she didnt listen to GOd then thats her fault not mine. at this point; she had her chance; if God called her to me; she didnt obey Gods voice and Im worth more then this. ANd Im with God; so; Ill continue to write dialogs about her ( to work out everything I ever wanted to say to her)but at some point Ill naturally stay with GOd and she will slowly leave my memory as a loser! Its funny because it used to be the other way around; I saw myself as the loser that lost her. Now being with GOd; I see her as the loser who wont come around anymore because God gave her a chance and I and God moved on... ANd this is what I get when I work with God constantly; I get a kind of security others dont get. I want to say tho; Im in 12 step groups several times a day. So; Im involved in the recovery process all the time. Im not saying I like it. In fact Im very tired of it; but Im never alone if I dont want to be.
PRAYING
I will pray all the time on paper as I dialog with her; and to keep Sunny Jesus with us like an umbrella over us; like the center of a tent; Gods spirituality; the Holy spirit of GOd descending upon us making everything safe around us...
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Im no saint; I depend on God like a Diver depends on that oxygen in his scuba tanks or submarine. God keeps me alive while on this planet. Without God on a minute by minute basis; I die... Just like a diver in the deep water without air...... They will start dying.
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However, for now; This is the beginning of things. And I will pray allot about all of this.
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I've been writing dialogs about many people of the past; playing roles with them on paper as if they and i are talking to each other( the goal is to express what I always wanted to express to them)( very important for my development and future in relationship building). One area Im going with; to work on a relationship with a past love; and let it develop on paper all the way to marriage. completing a complete relationship on paper; meaning in my imagination. And when I get good enough on paper; God has told me to switch the name to GIRL FRIEND> This will mean; someone Ive never met yet; but Im going to build a relationship with them on paper before I ever meet them. I will meet them. Sunny Jesus Christ will bring them to me. Christ has always helped me out; you wont stop now! He is my friend.. He cares what happens to me.
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Ill start writing again; dialoguing about a new Girlfriend I have not met yet; Ill do the exact same thing I wrote about the other women I wanted to express my feelings to. Im expressing them on paper. SO; Ill apply how Ive worked out old relationships on paper and start creating new relationship on paper with a new girlfriend; Ill complete it all the way... and Ill keep this up unit a real one shows up. Sunny Jesus will bring a real one. I will be watching out my window!! Ha ha ......
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TOday I will work on meditation and will be getting in touch with my inner being and guidance system to the universe; Ill wait and watch and Christ will show up for me; with someone who is ready to meet me. And when we meet; I will immediately ask to hold her hands and I will pray right from the beginning for God to look after us while we talk...
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THe point of all this is; RELATIONSHIP> ANswers for relationships building. And man o man; Im getting answers.....
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ART; More answers; I was ready to hear something to day and I did hear something good about Art;
a next move forward; I read something about Van Gogh. The painter; It was so simple; what I heard; it reminded me of when I was a kid; and how I created art.
Van Gogh created 2000 paintings in 10 years; He just made them; sat down or stood up and made them; He went to work; it was from his emotions and soul and spirituality; He loved it; he did it; He created a piece of Art because he loved it period; He just did it. And Im at that wonderful place of getting it; I mean; Im getting the message. No past man. just kind of ; just doing it. I get it. ya know. Its kind of like being so humbled and dragged down to the deeper lower realms of life. Im willing to just create; do what I want; just do it man! any way I want; just do; see what happens; I mean; totally intuitive; just do it. And I believe Im there; Im very close to making it to this side of the bridge-way on the other side of the river... Im there... Im here. Im very very close.
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Music; Ya; Ill keep working at it; I dont have to talk about it at 12 step meetings anymore; music.
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I talked about dysfunctional blocks wiht music and art for years and years and with time and work; finally the blocks came down and now I dont have to talk about Art Or Music at 12 step meetings.
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The next area of development was relationships. Getting girlfriends again; This time In the proper way; meaning my mental spiritual health being inline and getting my self esteem stuff worked out and being back in society again and stuff. No way of knowing how to do any of this... Anyway; Im growing every day in this area. We shall see. Ill have to come back to reality. Ands God is doing that for me; bringing me back to the present in the here now! Not their yet; but steady accomplishments. Things are moving forward in this area much like they did for music and art! SO; its a matter of time. However, the issue is; I dont know how God is going to bring me back to the present in this or for this area. Im not really worried about; Christ has taken care of me so far...
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Still a gap between where I want to be in order to have girlfriends and where Im at; a gap resides but its a lesser gap then it used to be; and thats what im looking for. Sunny Jesus is helping me..
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SO; I havent started yet. whats needed is more writing and praying and work on things.
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I say I havent started yet; thats not true. I ask another women today to sit with me and talk. She could not; she was with someone; but their it is; I got an idea; and I went up to someone and asked her to sit down with me.... So; THe other day; I asked a women to give me a ride home. same king of feel to it... SO; things have been slowly heading back into society. Im not their yet and Im not alone this time.
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Video games and Plastic model kit building is going well...
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