First Love takes a next step backwards; and that is a good thing if I want to face reality.
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First Love is removed yet another step.. And that is the goal... she is removed one more step from the concept of intimacy and friendship.
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If my I met or was invited to 5 different houses at the time when young; and my first love was one of those houses; What would be the difference between her house and everyone elses houses... The only difference is that I wanted their to be a difference... In reality; they were all strangers and her house would be a house with one more stranger.
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Out of vast insecurity; I picked her or her house.. I picked her or her house as being someone of importance in my personal life; but in reality; she was not nor had been anyone with any importance within my life. Meaning; she had not earned any specific position within my life.. She was a stranger.
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When I met her. Technically; she was no different then any other stranger I would have met; but for some reason I made her out to be a more personable prospect. Why? I dont know? Because in the end she will not see me as any different then several different guys she may have met that summer; in fact; I will be on the list of most of them she forgot about.
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However, In my book; at the time; I was the only one she knew; and I had all the reigning importance. I would think there was only her and I in the world. But the problem was; she was not informed of this. This was running through my head. Many things were running through my head of her importance in my life. And I will get non of it right.. In her mind; Im already forgotten. Im just one more chap she met from the week before. She doesnt know me; after a while; slightly; but she knows many young men as acquaintances; Im assuming.
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From my First Loves point of view; Do I stand out from the other guys. NO! Why? I dont remember her ever suggesting I stood out from anyone. I was basically a stranger; But then; so were many other young men she met; I guess.. I was not more important then the other strangers she met. Im sure she met several strangers; young men her age in that first summer I met her. I met her; so did a dozen other guys.. Why did I think I was important enough to be at some other level with her then other people; Because I Thought I was..... And this brings up the delusional thinking processes..
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I was delusionally obsessed with her; I was thinking something was their; a great potential; and that drove me on to inquire more about her and to meet with her. Did she know this; No! She didnt know anything about what I was thinking. From her perspective; What did she think of me; Nothing!
I doubt she thought anymore about me then the other dozen or more guys she met that month or that week; or what ever. We were very young; it was summer time; Im sure she met allot of young people. So; She was meeting people all the time I assume... Who was I: Nobody!
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What was wrong with me that I was so obsessed; Well; I was lonely; desperately lonely. I was lonely in away that I needed a family; anyone; anything; I was also traumatically mentally ill.. delusional.
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Why did I target her house as someone to seek out differently then anyone elses. I dont know? Because she was no different then anyone else. And her house was no different then anyone elses. And she was no different then anyone else....
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I had a great need and desperation for help. So; for some reason I picked her house? What I felt was beyond entitlement. It was like being delusionally pulled into a fantasy that she was now a fixed new family member. I mean; it was like she was family.. She was now close to me; like a sister. I certainly never wanted her as a sister... but really; I wasnt she what I wanted.. I wanted a Friend is what I wanted and needed; but I wanted and needed a therapist who would be someone close I could depend on; thats what I was looking for. And I delusionally turned her into that within my head. She ended up being several different hats to me..
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WHAT DID I MEAN TO MY FIRST LOVE:
I meant no more to her then the other Dozen or so guys she would meet that week during that summer. Im not sure she saw any difference in me then anyone else. She did see any difference in me then anyone else. She did not know me; Did not know what I was thinking; Nothing.
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I Think in the end; As I woke up; I realized she was just a stranger who lived up the street who never had anymore depth of understanding then any other girl of that age or time period... Nor should she have.
Im looking back and what I needed was a therapist at an agency dealing with mental health; A psychologist.
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WHAT DID MY FIRST LOVE THINK OF ME;
She thought nothing! She thought of me as no different then the other 12 guys that came by her house that week during that summer. What was the difference between me and the other guys that visited her that week from that summer; Nothing! I was looked at with no difference...
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Did she claim anything special about me different then anyone else; Did she pick me out of a line up from the other guys; NO! I was just one of the many slighty more then strangers she met; She was a school girl; it was summertime; Im assuming she was a kind of Popular Girl? I didnt really know; I just assumed she knew people had had friends I guess; I really didnt know anything about her.
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Best statement I made; I REALLY DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER!
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As I wake up from my mental coma right now! Im beginning to see her from a light I have never seen before. Working with God; Im starting to see her more clearly; something I hadnt seen.
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She was a private girl; with a private life; Someone I was not invited into knowing. She never invited me into know her; not really! I called her a few times or tried to drop by a few times; but then so did allot of guys; so did allot of everyone; I mean; she had allot of friends I guess. I meant nothing her. I was a complete stranger.
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I WAS A COMPLETE STRANGER.....
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For some reason; I just had to have someone; anyone I could call a family member or friend; someone; anyone. And for some reason I delusionally picked her within my mind and soul for that job. She did not know me! So; I mean; its kind of like stalking someone! Its like being a stalker! I would meet her or call her a few times; but my intent was literally clinical; For clinical help; I needed to go to someone once a week for therapy; a psychologist. Anyone; anyone for a connection; Im not sure how or why she got picked; gut she did. Did she know; NO!
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So; technically im going up to this strangers house; because Im desperate for friends... for any kind of human kindness; anything! Im in real trouble...
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I was in high school; This was a not so nice stuck up kind of teenage girl. She was popular I guess.. Im not sure how I ever got invited into her house or ever to meet her. I was nothing.. I dont get it; maybe Ill never get it.. I was a stranger who really should never have been accepted in or invited; I mean this person was way beyond my means.. So........
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THE POINT OF THE BLOG:
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Im now moving down the energy river in my imagination and soul and spirituality; as the universe moves me closer to the truth on this subject; and what am I seeing.
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Im starting to see this girl as a innocent stranger; and nothing more who had a normal life with plenty of friends... a kind of popular stuckup girl? maybe to others.. Maybe; but I really dont know...
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I really didnt know anything about her because I really didnt know anything about anyone.
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This girl was a stranger with her own life. I was not invited into that life anymore then 100 other boys my age at the time who went to the same school... Non of us would have been invited to her house or been her close friend.. Im not sure why I would think I was... IT was delusional.
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She is going to help me and she is going to save me? Why? WHy would I think this?
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THE POINT OF THIS BLOG:
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This blog is to indicate that Im starting to wake up from my dissociative condition concerning this person from my past; And that is what the universe has been wanting all along! thats what God has been putting forth in front of me; to wake up from this specific situation.
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And it seems the truth is; This was some popular girl from our school; that I didnt know... That like allot of people that summer; I; going with other young people; dropped off at her house; and I met her with a number of us; and met who else was in the house; parents or what ever. I think we left after a few minutes of meeting this person; and we were off... and that was that... off to go to someone elses house or some other place; something. I really wasnt part of anything. I got invited to be with these people but I was a loner and didnt really know anyone or fit in with anyone; I was quiet. I was just another face in the crowd. I met several people; I was not someone to remember.. I was in the back... And their it is...
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Im trying to discribe who I was; and what was really going on.
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I needed psychiatric help and for some reason her name came to mind; this popular girl who lived up the street; seemed someone to try and call. The strange thing was; she wasnt a nice person; she was actually shallow and indifferent and mean. Not sensitive to someone with real trouble or problems; shes the last person to call if someone had problems; SO; I dont get what was going on inside of me. Im really not sure.
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It could have been; her name was on the top of the list because I simply didnt know anyone else. Not that I knew her but I knew her name! And maybe at that time; that was all it took...
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In the end; Im going to be no one special in her eyes. At some point later that summer; when Ive called again; she is disturbed by it; and kind of in a non friendly way; or polite way but cold; she suggests I move on and stop calling her...
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I was a stranger calling her and she was not interested... Maybe that made me mad.. Maybe I felt entitled. I desperately needed help. I guess I had to reach out somewhere. ...... She was a stranger I reached out to; and she remained a stranger. And that was the end of that...
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I was a complete stranger. I guess I had a fantasy about her in my head; but then so did millions of other guys; just like everyone has a fantasy about popular girls I guess when one is in high school; I guess... I dont know.
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I guess I was mad or am mad; that I didnt mean a little more to her or anyone else because I meant nothing to everyone. At Least maybe I could have gotten some recognition from someone; but I didnt.
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I picked her simply because her name stuck out in the phone book at the time... it wasnt much more then that!
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So; am I conveying the right feeling.
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The feelings is; this was no one special. And Im starting to see it that way. THe more information the universe sends me so I can decipher situations like this; the better.
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I think I was a lonely desperate young man grabbing blindly at any opportunity I could that I thought I could get some help.
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I think Id been that way all my life! This was nothing new... THe difference; things were worse; I was in a new place; a new town where I didnt know anybody... and the people I was living with didnt want me... Nobody wanted me.
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Out of desperation for being wanted; I maybe I called people I should not have called; strangers I was not invited to meet... I was desperate...
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So; In the end; this person who lived up the street from me; a stranger; she treated me appropriately for being a stranger... I was not invited into her life... Im not sure why I picked her? But that wont last long! A few phone calls... and thats it!
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I tried to make it mean something to me. but it never worked; it was all in my head... all of it; all in my head; and it never left my head...
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TOday; I have to give this person a break; Just like I have to give many people a break; THey didnt owe me anything; it wasnt there fault I went through a poor childhood or was thrown away... Its unfortunate. I wanted someone to blame or someone to help me. I generally found neither...
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I really should not have been meeting people up the block from that middle class neighborhood. I technically was not from any class. I was from the trauma class... I mean; I needed psychiatric help. I had no idea at the time what to do; I was 2 young; I was a throw away.
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I needed to give people a break because they were strangers and had nothing to do with any of this...
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So; here I am now; getting closer to the truth... Im not there yet! Still have anger and hatred and contempt and rage about what happened to me when young; and I guess I lll get that out. But Im trying or God is trying to help me eliminate strangers from this who had nothing to do with it... and move on from them.
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I still have much more to go.... ITs about waking up in the present from all this.
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I guess I just wanted to belong to a family... and it never happened...
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The problem with clearing out FIRST LOVE From my nervous system right now? ITs all I got! Im still depending on it as if it is part of a prior life.. If I get rid of it now; I end up with even my fantasies taken from me. However; Ive got a few strong holds of my own in the present and thats why God is allowing for this to leave. And So Im working on it; Its a real trust for God; Ill tell you that! Its making the transition from these past experiences that didnt turn out so well; Im going from those experiences into Gods hands... And thats what this is all about.
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I cant worship 2 masters; I can worship past fantasy experiences and people that never really turned out to mean much... I cant worship those and God at the same time; God will not tolerate I worship idols... I cant worship 2 masters..
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So; Im letting go into Gods hands....