Blog
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So;
Connecting for the first time.
Connecting with the right people for the first time
Working from the memory of my parents; from breaking away from that situation to new people… Learning how to do this for the first time…
Nothing before now counts; what does that mean.
I had one person and only one I went after or took interest in when very young; a young teenager; and that was the only one; and it was a false situation; falsified; I was being played fooled lied to by a false person… Nothing their. And this was not a relationship; their was nothing there. It never got anywhere past introductions… This was an opportunist that could have a 1000 guys…; Meaning; this was the wrong; the absolute wrong person to visit ever… This was my enemy; not my friend…
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PARTNERSHIPS:
This is way beyond where Im at. I have to leave my parents; learn how to feel steady and safe with that. Next I have to gain practice meeting the right kinds of people… and having some success at it… And then go from there meeting people that want to be my friend; were friendship is #1. And then after stability and experience; I meet girlfriends… And from their I meet someone that is valuable and “ TRUST WORTHY AND SAFE”. SAFETY; is #1; And it always has been; And this can only occur when I meet the right people. I do not go up to the wrong people and work with them making them the right people; I do not go up to unsafe people trying to make them into safe people; I do not look at potential in people; they are either safe or non safe… I do not deal with opportunists…
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I have to start over under Gods help and care… However; God is going to work this… I can feel it; Im on the right track… Getting more honest about it; I am on the right track with God I think…
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So; God will bring honest people to me; and Ill stay out of the rest… But God will do this… I mad big mistakes in the past… They were not aligned with God… So; getting aligned with God and staying in Gods pathway is the key to start with; thats where the development and growth is; and learning not to get out of line from this regardless…
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In the past and in the present I acted like I could get off the pathway and just diverge into the forest and see what I found; DID NOT WORK; DO NOT GET OFF THE PATH….
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As for that past relationship; that one I was interested in; DEATH! I had no idea; I was just being played. And Ive got to look out for this with Gods help. The key is to be on the right pathway with the right people to start with; Ill talk to God about this and work with God; I can kind of feel it.
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Im not happy about having to get into alignment and back on the right trail; but I have no choice. I thought their was freedom dogding and being on the wrong trails and scavenging for what I wanted in the dark; did not work; I never found what I was looking for… No freedom in this; as I thought their would be; it never worked; I never found anyone or anything…
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The key is to get back into alignment with God and stay their and deal with what comes my way… if I want nice people in my life; I have to become the requirements of nice people. I have to head forward with God toward nice people… at that level; a better level; Ill work with God on all of this…
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Ive tried other things off the trail of God; never worked.. I never found anyone Godly; I only found fakes; foraging of deception.
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I thought I would find attractive nice people; I did not; I found a Dog Eat Dog world I could not compete in. I did not do well at all around corrupt people; Opportunists trying to make a social name for themselves; trying to look good around other people. What I needed was decent people; safe people. For that to happen; I have to become a decent safe person; and for this to happen; I have to be under God in order to develop into this type of person in society…
Ive been a ghost in society. So; Ill have to work with God to be myself and still be at a high level of human quality in order to attract the same.
I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE…..
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I mentioned only once in my life as a very young teenager; age 14. I went up the street to visit a girl I thought wanted to be my friend or I offered friendship development; It did not work; This person was not interested in me; This person played me to death into the ground before I even knew what was happening; This was not my friend and not a safe person to associate with… and in a broken heart'd confusion; I simply walked away… I did not have a friend… I did not have a friend; not because of who I am or what I did; but simply because this was a creep; and I spent time with this creep; Thats what happened here… If I had been around decent nice normal people things would have been different…. But; how can that happened and why didn’t that happen in the first place.
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SO; Not feeling good enough to be around decent people!
This is where Im working with God. Working down a God pathway and doing what I have to do in order to keep the frequency level of what I want; keeping it at a high standard under God. I don’t like any of this… But what choice do I have. I have to work with Gods rules and Gods requirements or Ill get nothing of whats left in my life. I wont meet any nice people.
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This journey is a hard one. It doesn’t seem fair; but it is real… and I have to work with God to have hope and to get into alignment…
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A LONELY JOURNEY OF CONFUSION BUT THEIR IS HOPE IN GOD AND FOLLOWING GOD> This is definitely a lonely journey; Thus; coming back to a position under God of quality; a frequency of quality to meet others of a quality nature under God; Under higher power; and to do this when I have no maturity or experience dealing with responsible people; Having no clue…
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So; I have a lonely journey to make it back to a place of decency within society. I dropped out of society; that didn’t accomplish anything; It did; but it did not get me back into society where I would have decent run of it with decent people or a future.
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Under God is what Im looking for… Working under God and meeting people under God! I cant say it any better. Its not easy.
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In my previous life; no one wanted me or took care of me; nothing! And no people were interested in me; people I thought I had the same level of quality. To these people; I did not exist. They never wanted to meet me in the first place; I did not understand. My friendship had no value to them; Well; Thats because friendship did not have any value to them and my inner value had no value to them; Im not sure they ever saw any value in me or cared either way; And thus; the streets these people lived on; these were not the kinds of people I was ordained under God to meet; I was meeting all the wrong people on all the wrong streets but never knew.
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If I want to build a life under God I must start with God and Gods help and direction… And I must humble myself. Sometimes what Im looking for does not appear in Kings Houses; it appears in lowly places that are hidden that the general public will never see…
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Appreciation for things and people… the right people. To Be Grateful for what I have now… where Im at now; I can do this now. I can make lists; this is very important…
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Life stopped for me at 9 years old; and became a dissociative nightmare ever since. Ive got to go to God from here on out…
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Ive observed a great deal through the years in the 12 step groups and listened and learned. It has not been easy. …
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So; here I am now; silently ready to work under God to build a life… I cant say this any better… However; I feel half here; half destroyed; obliterated… This is whats left of me…
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Ill just start…
And I have to remember; I never Got anywhere in my past life; And I got nowhere with people or friends; nothing; not in the way I thought I did… I didn’t.. I never did; I was completely alone without choice…
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The people I wanted to associate with never wanted to associate with me; they seemed to have a contempt for me and a hatred; Fair enough; I guess Im not what I thought I was in the publics eyes… no problem; Ill take it back to God and start over with God under Gods realm
I do not know who I fit in with within society; who would respect me… or value me or who wants to be my friend because they want to be… they are sincere; never happened.
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Ive had plenty of sociopaths show up who wernt safe…
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FALSE IDEAS AND PREMONITIONS:
Im still stuck up; think I should have been treated well by the middle classes and accepted and saw myself at that level or their level; No one; non of those people ever saw me as an equal; no one; they saw me as white trash when I wasnt white trash…
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So; Ive been accepted by no group ever; nothing ever; and I don’t know what that means; accept to take it back to God… and work with God on it. It is good and does feel good to say this; what I just said; it gives different pictures in my head of who I really am in society and what Im headed toward… Ill keep working with God on it… … I never expected this to happen to me in society; Never being accepted by anyone or any group or being shunned but strangely; that is what happened; and the results of this will mean I go into life here on out in Gods directions… And stay away from thinking anyone in society has an answer for me on what group to fit into… to be accepted or safe with….
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So I Silently work with God on who to meet or where; I do not know; throw-aways but are decent people; I will not pretend to start thinking and coming up with answers myself; I wont be doing that anymore; I do not want my “ Wanting brain to come up with any broken answers in reality. I wil stick to talking to God and working with the universe; the wisdom of the universe; I may end up in places Ive never thought of before… Amen..