Its strange; My opinion of women is as bad as it can get... Im not sure; very few people have as bad opinion of women than I do. I base my information of facts; However, these facts come from specific women ive dealt with or witnessed. Or in general; that ive been around. Or seen others with and witnessed second hand stuff; or talked with many people about their dealings.
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However, I was talking to a women today that I get along with fine; 2 women I get along with fine.
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But so many of them I do not. So; I would say Im sensitive to who I associate with. Im not suppose to get along with all women... I mean; I am actually; Im not suppose to have any problems with women; and I dont. I mean; Ive been hurt; I guess... I mean; I guess thats what it is. Im not sure. Hatred.. or a hatred for women. I hate women! yes? Am... No! Im like anyone else; I base my situation on those that have violated my rights or space or body or life... Criminals. So; I hate criminal women. I despise them? Yes; if their not safe. I hate unsafe women. Yes; I despise them... hatred I guess? Yes!
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A group of people out in society are ruthless sociopaths;. OR what ever they are; I hate them... Yes; They are lawless. I hate lawlessness.
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I do have a resentment against women that have never seen my value; I guess that has put me up against a wall... hurt shame hatred anger... yet; im playing the victim on that; I mean; Im talking about a hand full of women. maybe allot more; but thats all.
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So; I would say many people make me feel unsafe; They respect nothing; but its not those people I want do deal with; Im mad about something; Maybe Im mad Ive never met the kind of women that respect me... Maybe thats because ive never been the kind of guy they could respect. And that may be true because I am slothful and lazy and I love pleasure more than I love work.
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Still; I cant love someone that is un lovable because they have no values. I guess I have a grudge about not having any women around that I can like or that I never went after any or found the right ones because I never believed I was good enough for anyone and blamed it on them. but considering my background with women; that is not unusual; but than thats a complain many many men have...
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I realize something; Im focusing on women and not God for what I want; and that has to stop...
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I could go on n on. And maybe I will; it might have something to do with me facing my man hood and then as I feel better about myself; from their; go out and meet new women...
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However; as I say that; I dont trust them. Non of them; Nothing. Im a person of worth; but if you ask women; Im a worthless person. Im on my knees to God all the time. That means nothing to women; they want a murder'r felon from the jails to protect them... thats all their looking for. protection and money. Love plays no part in it.
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Ive met all the wrong women; but Ive dealt with women that are so deceptive; No way of knowing who Im dealing with.
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No way of knowing whats going on... its all murky...
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Ive never really been myself and Ive never really gone out with anyone like me before. I mean; if I did; I think it would be oK.
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Most of what I complain about is not mine; its not knew. Its not being picked by women. And so Im mad at them instead of taking it to God; thats the problem...
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And also; taking my computer interests to God... Thinks are so expensive...
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First love who lived up the street; does not exist.
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Its fairly obvious now; what happened; the main gysit of it; What happened to me is what others wish never happens; they are kind of treated like garbage and used from the beginning by someone who resembles not much of a human being. Maybe more sociopath...
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So; what happened to me. First; I was not her first choice... And in reality; I was never her choice. There was no one there... no one that loved me... This person didnt Love me nor plan on loving me.
I was a throw away by this person; used. and something much worse than this...
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I was set up from the start because thats all the person felt like doing; they had a plan because they'd done it before. I was just unaware of anything and everything; completely naive with my head in the concrete; ignorant of outside life. I had no idea. I came from a small town where the neighborhood I was in to start with was friendly... friendly kids. I was not prepared for this.
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However, when I was thrown away and had to live with relatives; their neighborhood were bad bad people and violent bullies... all over the place; I could not take care of myself nor did I know how nor ever plan on such things.
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I moved to this big city; This girl up the street played me; thats all it was. But she played me from the very first moment I stepped into the house; The question might be why? but a question like that goes to decent people; for evil people already now why; they dont care; nice people mean nothing to them; they are perpetrators. I just never got over what happened nor ever saw the truth of it. So completely devastated and shocked by it... in shock. I was not used to someone doing that to me; but I was but didnt know it.
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I never figured this would happen to me; not this time; this time I would win. And I had met someone that really liked me and connected with me and really got along with me... WRONG. I was just another sucker being played by a very vicious evil criminal type. no feeling nor emotion on the other persons side of things; it was all a laughable game... I was being entrapped and set up; and the best thing I could have down was run; run as fare and fast away as possible; but I just didnt know; it was like I was dumb... I just didnt know...
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The point of this writing it continue to get to the truth. The truth is what counts; all those details at the bottom of the barrel know one sees; those are the road maps of this story; the real story. Its a horror story; sad gruesome story.
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It has a happy ending kind of; for me. Not yet but kind a; Im not there yet but almost; Im getting closer to being me again.
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The key to this is the girls actions and reactions and facial features and attitude and voice inflections. It was all fake and contrived and figured out before I got their; all of it; a plan long before I ever met her. It was applied to me before I ever started for her door; before the car showed up with me in the passenger side.
These type of criminals do this to people. innocent people in the community; they are anti social monsters. Nor remorse or conscious; nothing.
I had no idea.
I did get close to her kind of; All of that was contrived; everything was with a watchful eye on her part; all of it; thought out and purposefully administered from the start. I didnt even know... I was being more than played.
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I was being played before I opened the door or the door was opened by others when we entered her house and I met her... Thats the part that is so important because I was asleep.
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The most important part of this story is; right at the very beginning I was asleep; didn't know what was going on and had no idea this would happen... or it was happening.
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Most of the work concerning his girl; most of now concerns the moment I was at home and my brother and her brother asked me to go up to his house and meet her. Most of the work Ill explore; the psychological spiritual emotional work has to do with that moment and before when I said yes to going up with them in the car to her house. What I was doing and thinking... and how I felt about myself and other things before that moment.
Every thought I have of that girl is wrong or fake. every attitude that pops into my head about her concerning her was someone lying to me about who they were and how they felt... it was all a set up.
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Most of the work now is about uncovering the ride to her house. What I was thinking about them; those driving and about myself. and what I was doing there; what was I in that care; where was I suppose to be.
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This was a criminal; it wasnt personal; They were probably bored...
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The most important aspect of the story is how could I have just let my life go to the point Id end up at bad peoples houses where bad things happened.. Why didnt I even care about my life. Because if I dont care about my life and no one else cares about it; where then is it going; its adrift; and someone is going to take advantage of it; My chances of meeting Nice people in that condition; just letting myself adrift is almost zero. The chances of meeting very very bad dangerous people is almost guaranteed... And that is what happened to me... And it started very young and now that I know it I can slowly working on resolving it and learn to value myself and not let that stuff ever happen again; where I through my life to who ever is walking up the street. Now; I know better...
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And it gives me a basic simple answer to my whole life. All the outside problems I had with people; the heartbreak and being fooled and the lose of friends and such; and the list goes on... All of this was simply me allow anyone to take control of me. I was lost and had no interest in being in control of my own life or where it went or what happened to it and I payed for it horribly; really badly. Deeply.
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I found myself in the arms of strangers; bad bad bad strangers that lied to me confiscated my life and identity destroyed me spit me out; betrayed me and throw me away the same way I came. And their it is... that answers everything.
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Now; the goal is; how to be safe and work with God.
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Does this mean the story about the girl up the street is over; NO! To much to learn from that; Ill be working on that for ever. But Im already past tense on her value... or who she was and who she was in my life... She was nothing. And that is a hard pill to swallow; because thats not the original narrative I created in my mind and head. but I created it based on her behavior toward me and that behavior was a lie; it was contrived and practiced. I was being deceived and never knew it. and much worse.
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Now I know it... I got it; its no different than what happened to me earlier in my life by others outside my home who I trusted... Same thing. They had always been deceiving me; and when done getting what they wanted; I was thrown away... Didnt even know they weren't my friend. Had no idea.
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Thats what happens when I dont like myself and I just stop carrying and let anyone take a hold of me; I walked around the people and just through myself at them; theirs always cons and predators waiting for people like me... looking to figure out how they can take advantage.... hustle someone. And regardless of education or economical position in life; a Hustlers a hustler..... Bad news...
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This is not the kind of story I ever thought I would be telling of my own life when I got old; but thats what happened.