June 2025
May 2025
So; Here I am…
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Ive worked through FIRST lOVE; Im back where I started before I met her. Feeling it; its not exactly a good place to be; Ill explain.
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Im extremely susceptible to being ran over by people emotionally… I can feel it; it reminds me of about 7 years old; where someone else is taking care of me and supplying the right people and places and things; and Im not able to move within myself; Im 2 young…
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So; here I am now; exactly like when 7. Ill explain more. This is do to being emotionally traumatically shut down into nothing and then having zero self esteem; Nothing. Im extremely supportable to bad people taking over… So; I have to watch; Dont get involved with anyone; no one… And stay away from predators…
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So here I am; starting over; and it does feel like before I met first love. I was just here; kind of; just here on planet earth lost; going in no direction and with no self esteem or human family purpose. I was thrown away from the family system I came from; so my inner state was one of contempt for worthless people. But I cant move.
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SO; Ill work with God on some goals to move forward; practice down a pathway; a God pathway; a self esteem pathway; an adolescent pathway of development under my higher power. Under my higher powers will.
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FIRST LOVE: I am getting thought glimpses; They are flashing thoughts; show up barely and momentarily; hanger-on thoughts.
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Im noticing; without these past thoughts to hang on to; I don’t have any present thoughts; other then what I had when I was 8 years old playing in the backyard of friends houses when young; NON adult. That means I don’t operate in an adult world. That means I don’t operate in any world accept the world of disability within my own apartment. The outside world; well; its not developed for me in the present. If one where to read my blogs from the past; Everything is about fixing disability problems and the rest is about losses and working through them. The other is getting my original self back; getting my childhood back; getting my ability to function at activities back; not dropping out. And those pathways are being walked; and Im confident God will continue to help me down those pathways; no real complaints on my performance on a daily basis in those areas. Im doing Oke. Best to be expected…
RELATIONSHIP:
This is the animal Ive been working on for the last several years. Its been like a war in my nervous system; in my head in my mind in my emotions in my soul…
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So; it looks Iike Ive finally made it out of this war. Ive made it back to civilization… However; suddenly I realize; I didn’t have allot of functionality in civilization when young. I didn’t function; Learned helplessness; trauma bonded. No self esteem. Dissociation and avoidance personality development. Developmental trauma disorder. Agoraphobia… and so on. Its like being a strait Jacket from the old nut houses; things they would put crazies in to lock them down so they couldn’t move; I feel that way; like I cant move.
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THE GOOD NEWS: THE GREAT NEWS: THE ABSOLUTE UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC NEWS; Non of my problems in this area have anything to with the past issues Ive been working on for years. Meaning; I don’t have any past issues that are keeping me from moving forward; Im not living in the past anymore.
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NOTE; Lets get real; certain; at a certain real level; all of my present problems of no self esteem have come from the past. However; allot of the problems if not all of them now; have to do with REHABILITATION for my condition now. This means; what work am I getting assigned by God to practice and work to get better from where Im at right now.
NOTE: This is about attitude; not mental health disability.
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NOTE: Ive been passing out waking up numerous times in the day these days with all of the changes. D.I.D. So; Im switching out to other personalities completely during the day… its even got me caught off guard and concerned. Im OKE. The problem with switching out to someone else; I don’t know its happened; I only know from evidence after its happened; And the other day; its like; it must have happened 15 times. So; Ive been going through massive changes. These are small breaks from reality; Id say few minutes each; 5 at the most; probably not that long. But its a reality; I still talk to myself and other people dissociatively. Its like Im half here and half inside my head and don’t know the difference. I just have a lot more hope and a much better attitude about life and being alive and God is taking care of me; I have direction; Ive got basic friends; I mean. Im really showing signs of living again at some levels and having a life; altho its a basic life on the constraints of mental disability; but Im Oke…
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However; THE RELATION SIDE OF THINGS; Girlfriends; romance; stuff; so much ripped up pain in those areas… So much to work on.
Ive never been around the right people; and then theirs my Dad Mom; relatives; those monsters and all that they did to me… So Im messed up letting anyone get close…
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This is do to trauma… And so I have to work with the universe on pathways; practicing walking down those pathways and picking up information. Slowly under Gods care; working toward gathering small experiences that build my self esteem.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Never found anyone interested in; never; they were only interested in themselves and what they could get; they didn’t even care about my personality or who I am; nothing… When I finally discovered what they were about; I dumped them. Thats all its been my entire life; Theirs never been anyone to marry; Nothing.
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NOTE: I thought I would meet nice women; never happened. It never happened because I was never around anyone. I mean; I have to work with God and like get help deciding the kinds of people Im suppose to hang around and then find them or have them find me; and go there or work with God getting to the frequency and meeting them. I don’t fit in with everyone. Im a sensitive intellectual creative educated person… I really only fit in with specif people; these would be people I can talk to about intellectual subjects and Art and deep things; and a certain sensitive type person socially humanly speaking…
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NOTE: Ive really been around the wrong people. When young; the women were physically extremely beautiful that I actually dated; most of them; Nobody had any personality; nothing… I mean; even I was shocked. It took me awhile to wake up; I was just plain stunned. I didn’t know what to do after awhile; Stop dating anyone. Stop all together; Watch Porn? What else is their… I could not find any women with any of decent personalty.
What does this mean; It simply means I was not around the right people; Thats all it means. I want someone to carry a conversation; Well; there are plenty people women; intellectual women that can do that; maybe I was embarrass’d about my personal situation and didn’t want to be judged because Im so socially immature and non functioning in society; I truly live in a dissociated kind of altered world… its not a normal adult world where I function; Im disabled in those areas of reality and Ive had no self worth around others because of it; I have self worth; I just never expected anyone else to have any worth in me or see any value so I stayed away from the general populous; Maybe I was wrong; Next time stay around the general populous because they are safe. Its better to work with God and stay at a high value rate or level; a high frequency and attract others at a high frequency.
NOTE: I just kind of didn’t care who I associated with women wise. I ended up around really good looking women who had no personalities; and that didn’t do any good; that made everything that much more frustrating and confusing; So; now that Im old man; Ill try focusing on what God wants for me; God first; Gods will not mine…
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Ive come to the conclusion that I need God in front of me helping me find and locate the right kind of people for me to associate with. I was associating with the wrong people…
Im sure theirs massive amounts of nice people out there but Im not connected to anyone… SO; Ill start working with God and develop with God… and as I develop with God; God will begin to shift things in my favor toward new people and places and things Im more inline with.
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