July 2025
June 2025
The universe has pointed out many things to me; mainly concerning the age of 14 and what went wrong; what went wrong with me at age 14. One main theme at age 14; I was not in control. I did not have a harness of my own life or direction; nothing.. I was slaughtered by the innocence of my life without any guidance or anyone to understand me or where to go... I was not in my home town. And I had no adults on my side... No supervision; no vision at all; only desperation and mental illness.
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God has brought me all the way back to the starting point; The first day of age 14 ( Im spiritually at the age of 14; First day). And here I sit; now what do I do? What will be different this time. I can see possiblities.
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The new 14 year old.
First; Im working with God... My higher powers direction; Universe. Co creating my new life... THus; Dear God; Your will not mine. Your will God not mine; your will God; not mine. Amen.
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Secondly; continue to work through any and all relationship attempts that went wrong at the original 14 age. I was not prepared or experienced at relationships... Nothing. I found myself in open waters where others ran me over and destroyed me. It was never safe and they were low lifes and were not safe! And I have to work with the universe to reverse what happened to me; try to understand what happened to me.
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I have to write lots of 4th steps on what happened to me. And my heart was broken; So I have to deal with that and keep going until the deepest answers show up; And they will; they all ready have.
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As for women I was interested in at the time; NO GO! God did not align me them; not from the camps I found them in... I was wondering around wounded and ran in to them... to my demise... I was lost and alone and broken. God does not want me going through that anymore; Stay away from the Witches! Stay away from the Warlocks... Stay away from evil! or the love of evil.
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I honestly thought I could use evil; get power and live an enchanting life. It did not work. It seemed exciting. Unfortunately; their were consequences in the real world... I was not dealing with a TV set; I was dealing with real evil out in the world; demons dressed as normal people. I was slain before I knew what had happened and my soul was ripped out of me. However, GOd made sure they never got my soul; they only think they pocketed it! My real soul was deeply in the center of the universe where they could never get at! However, I found myself broken discarded discouraged and all alone..
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Ive been put back to day one of my 14th year.
It is my first mission to clear out that year; clear out the cobwebs; completely work through all events of that year of my life; learn to understand what happened; work through all of it. work through it like its a crime case and Im the detective; sift through that past; work 4th steps on it over n over n over from 12 step groups; This has to do with resentment work. The idea is; What did they do; how did I feel about it; Write a paragraph on that. NExt page; What is my role in it; And that is for the next million pages. Now I start writing and writing and writing. I dont mention the other people anymore; only myself.
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An example of how a 4th step works;
What's my role in it. I got up; I left the house; I went to her house. if I had not gone to her house; there would have never been any problems.
Someone invited me to go to there house and meet there family. I did so. And there was trouble. Next time; Ill not say OKE to going to someone's house. Ill get on my knees next time and pray and see where GOd wants me to be ( I will bi pass their house and not go). In addition; Ill ask GOd where he wants me to be on a daily basis; what am I suppose to be doing. I was stupid; I was dumb about my decisions; Next time I will get advice from proven sources of responsable people and what action to take. I will pray about it..
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And this goes on n on. I can bring up that I had mental illness the whole time and was a destroyed person. What I needed were agencies to help me... and how to find them and get to them. Thats where I was supposed to be! Getting help...
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Anyway.... at this new spiritual age of 14; the first day;
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I am to clear it all out. And then meditate and wait on God... a new future only with me and God emerge.
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Ive got triggers; different personalities I as dealing with at that time; they flash in front of me from resentment and control.
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I have long term PTSD to deal with....
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The goal is; and I know what it is; I remember when I was a kid; Its to get back to that kid state; to deal free... to start again this time with a real clean slate; This means I understand the people who led me on and hurt me when I was a teenager; I get it; but Im looking to go into new directions from those people; drop away from them in my imagination; work with God to drop away completely and go in a different direction. Get out of there..... Work through any ill feelings I have with those people; all of them; until I have no interest no respect no nothing for them; just a complete silence and then walk away completely; feeling nothing toward them; leave them be... ( respect they are evil and respect the evil not to ever visit its door steps) work through the resentments so I can dethatch from them; I can do this in a 12 step group with a sponsor and a 12 step book...
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I have many personalities from the past to work through. I have a few that have me snagged; especially at the beginning.. I was manipulated and maneuvered at the beginning. But even this occurred because I was associating with them... In my new imagination; I cannot be with them or near them or ever remember them ever again... So; they must go and a new me must emerge with Gods help; a scratchless me! So; day one means; I never met anyone yet. I hadn't had problems with people or the school system in that town yet until I visited it or them; Or anyone else.
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The first thing I may do is go home; immediately decide to go back to my hometown. And start there; but I was being destroyed there and bullied there... So; Ill talk to God about where Im suppose to go in my new narrative about my life.
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In my imagination I can go anywhere; but where i cant go is to my best friend's house; for he turned out not to even be a friend of mine. He was lying and da liar...( I was lying to myself that he and his family were on my side and safe). He never respected me or liked me; nothing; con artist... He just thought he could play me; His family thought they were superior then me and others. I was just being played; he was unsafe. His family was not safe; they did not like me or respect me... So its a real simple question; Why was I there. That is a good question; maybe because I was naive and innocent... I was a very nice person; He and his family were not; but they looked conservative on the outside.
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This time round; Ill have to take more responsibility for myself in this new life I will be emaginaging at age 14; Ill have to get on my knees and work with God and stay with God and avoid everything else; find out where GOd wants me. In fact; just talking or writing like this is pulling me out of the useless neighborhoods of that newer city I moved to when 14... I'm seeing new directions.
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Im also feeling the rage of PTSD and my mind being controlled and taken over. I have allot of work to do. And I have to come up with safe places that I would assume I would be at; at age 13-14...... Something safe. I was not safe at ages 13-14 in my real actual experience; and this time I want something new and safe; Ill work with the universe on this new narrative.
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The key begins when I start meditating for this new life and for my past to be cleared. Ill be doing allot more work on it. The goal is to wake up...
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I have several personalities I wanted loosed from me; Fist Love; First Best friend when young. Step Father; some teachers; brother, Father, Mother, Grandfather, Grandmother and others.
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Ive worked hard on several of them. Its kind of like a loose tooth; getting the tooth to loosen up so I can pull it out all the way. Its a kind of art form considering the situation of losing them from my nervous system but thats whats happening.
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Im starting to see that when some are now loosing faster then others; the others are starting to stand out and Im wondering if ive really done the work to move on from all of those people. Either way; God is helping me. And Ill just keep at it...
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More n more people are becoming loose from my nervous system; the memories of them; This is because of GOd. The work Im doing and the universe stepping me and moving me onward...
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Im right in the middle of it thow; but Im not; for some personalities; Im kind of right at the end of it but God must do the work to move them on or me from the memories; to keep losing things up.
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The key is the evidence of who they were. I had made them out to be these nice people because I needed to. But in reality they never were; and its been to much for me to accept this... On one aspect; Ive been living of this stuff for so long; I did not know how to come back into reality without them... And God has supplied a cushion for me in the form of the recovery process and other things.
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So; Im just kind of spending the winter to work on this stuff and allow those names; those personalities to become ever so loose and finely like a bad tooth; fall out... and then I move on...
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Interestingly enough; with the work Im doing; The most prevalent personality I have to put more work into is; The Best Friend I had as a kid. That is starting to stand out more then anyone right now; and all the memories of being at his house. All of those experiences were fake... I thought I was around genuine people that loved me and wanted only the best for me. I had no reason to think other wise. But it wasn't true. I was never around anyone that wanted me; or even wanted me around; I was hated and shunned and never knew it. They thought they were superior to me. After the years of shock of this and I became more stabilized in the recovery process; I finally told him to get lost and that was that... Thank God.
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Im not sure how to proceed with the memories of my best friend. Maybe start estranging him in my mind and imagination; Start writing new stories about my childhood as if I never met him. I go back and do that again and again..... and talk to the universe about it.
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It seems like more lose when I think about working getting rid of the rest of my memories concerning this person; it feels like his family was a big part of my childhood... and my childhood memories; Now I have to learn and accept my childhood without him or ever knowing him...
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So; its making me feel real insecure to completely erase everything about that person and his family and my time with them; all at once; its like; to much; I feel like I wont have any stability at all right now.
Other past stuff is disappearing from my life right now and its leaving me a bit insecure and wanting and sharper within focusing and naturally being present and that is freaking me out because its triggering my memories of my childhood; something that will be destroyed and pulled out from underneath me.
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Im in the middle of this stretching experience...
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I feel like Im expanding... Like as the universe expands; I expand... and the walls are slowly coming down; but it requires allot of work on my part; and it required years and years of work at first with no change in site; not for a long long long time; not change in the outside world. It took years for change within me. and to attempt things in the outside world...
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Now; Im much stronger. I still have the uneasiness of mental illnesses... Im still dysfunctional. Im still working on the same problems; relationships and activities; Many more things are making sense...
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