OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 02, 2025 9:02 am

.
Page 1
.
The next Life;
Now it begins…
.
.
And what does that mean; I means Ive transformed from Fantasy to reality; and Im beginning again; automatically in reality.
I remember being here when I was 14 years old; Well; NO! Meaning; I do remember being 14 years old; but what Im getting transferred to is much better now then in the past; God is taking me back to; or directly to my childhood. I get to relive it.. re direction it… much more dependemce on God.
.
NOTE. I lost the ability to have a family or get close to one; I considered that lethil and could not ever get close to the idea of a family or interacting with one again.
.
NOTE; I was slaughtered in childhood…
.
That means I start out somewhere in my childhood years again; some place between ages 4 and or 5-9 years old. For in that place I had silent secret growth on my own volition. I secretly was developing in my own world; God has taken me back to that place. I remember…. To start again.
.
So; I am materializing again…
.
Im materializing in the present; and manifesting in the present is my main goal.
.
I remember a little bit of this in college years. But under God I shall go back to and work with God….
.
Its my childhood…
.
Im not there yet; but Im slowly materializing back as myself… into myself.
.
What are my goals…
.
Well first;
.
As I get used to this new life; being myself again but in different surroundings.
.
My goals are
.
Wife
Money
House
Car
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation
.
Just as it would have been when I was first starting out in life.
.
I would have worked with my father ( if I would have had one); To learn how to make money
.
PAGE 2
.

and to get a good education; assuming my parents helped me. In the real world; they never did; they did not; So; now; I work with God on these things…
I would have had my first girlfriends and developed. I would they would developed into the next girlfriends and then more serious girlfriends as I develop as a person with direction… And finally to a college with my goals of direction; natural interests and then job and wife…
.
And this at the right teenage years my father helping me with car concepts… and moving into that world.
.
However; Non of this will never happen in the real world; I will be destroyed and given away or dumped as a human being….
.
So; here I am now! Im slowly; very slowly starting to change back into a person who dreams and manifests his future and focuses on his dreams.
.
God resurrecting me or has resurrected me back to the land of the living; but right now; that is as far as the inner walls of my apartment and some 12 step groups…
.
I am not strong enough yet to be out and about; that is still very much like looking through a glass jar in a dissociated unconnected way… Depersonalization ; depersonalization hits me hard outside because Im paranoid of the outside world: I have to protect myself.
.
In my apartment is almost no depersonalization. And that is truly a bloody miracle.
.
So; Im much better then I used to be….
.
.
So; God is transforming me slowly back to this place in reality. And As I get stronger I remember who I am….
.
And when Im strong enough; ill start over with the identity of those things; those gaols Im working toward.
.
One thing about goals; They are something Im working toward; my focus has been trained to look at nothing else accept what Im LOOKING FORWARD TO! IM LOOKING FORWARD!
.
My focus is forward; not on the past. The problem is the large amounts of CPTSD and PTSD… However; my mind has an opening through my imagination to create a world I want to live in. Now; I have to be brave enough to take the chances to believe it can happen; And that is when I get the most triggering from the past. My past lets me know I was destroyed doing this when younger. So; I have to keep working through all of this victim-hood until my feet are flat on the ground ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Dec 28, 2024 6:40 am

Im in the next realm. The anxiety and insecurity are through the roof; My lack of experience and no maturity; all comes out at this level.
.
Im simply reliving where I was thrown away when young and having no support; nothing…
.
And it is here I will stay; and it is here I will work with God to undo this and grow and grow beyond it; and that is what Im working on.
.
This is a most humbling ego reducing experience of fear… Fear engulfs me. And it is here I must learn and work with God to over come.
.
This is one of the most authentic areas of my experimentation; it feels like a personal extermination of myself.
The point is; its like a jumping off point at about age 14. Its very very hard to relive; I don’t have a choice. And I want to just go through it; face the humiliation and pain of that time and work through it to the next level of independence… For it will be the acceptance that I will be learning how to manage my life and going after the things I want.. Very adulting I guess…
.
.
So; I will have to learn how to trust the process and the people God is sending me to help me...Amen….
.
This is a place of getting up to speed as a person of responsibility for my own life because I want to; I like it; I want some control over my life; that is what I want… I want to be in my own life….I want to be part of my own life…
.
I don’t mind if God is driving the bus; I just don’t want anyone else driving the bus… I want to drive the bus; but first I would need a bus; and the money for the bus and a major purpose in life other then just writing blogs and watching porn and going to 12 step meetings. Altho I like 12 step groups when Im not getting stalked by people.
.
.
I can feel the anxiety.
.
Im going back in time; to places and people and things where I was suppose to learn how to live my life. And Im going back to the beginning as soon as Im up to speed with myself.
.
I can feel the vulnerability/The Fear…
.
Must loneliness
feelings of feeling like a failure and a loser…
.
.
I have that feeling; it feel like having no personal support…
its this insecurity alone feeling of having nothing and being a fish out of water…
.
Its like driving to a new city and not realizing how big it is and getting lost… and that feeling of panic and insecurity and anxiety….
.
And thats where Im at right now. And Ill be working with God on real world solutions for my life. Hopefully to expand outward into the community somehow.
.
Ill work with God on this..
.
.
It has that feeling of; “ The whole world is against me” “ what do I do now”! Thats how it feels!
.
At the meeting tonight; I thought; I could really use a partner… That means a girlfriend…
.
.
So; I am getting up to speed. But I feel like a fish out of water. Im getting my recovery from a specific place but want to live in another more middle class place.
.
It has that feeling of riding a bike through a middle class neighborhood and wanting so badly to live there but I don’t live there… Im just a guy on a bike going through the neighborhood.
.
And I tell myself; this isnt fair; Im a nice guy… And im like an 8 year old with no more maturity then that… and im stuck there… And I come to the end of myself at 8 years old? And I have to leave; have to leave the neighborhood and I don’t want to wake up to this nightmare..
.
So a large gap resides between my fantasy world I hide in and the actual 8 year old within me that is in a state of panic and terror; because Ive never gone beyond 8 years old. And Ive never functioned before being pushed beyond 8 years old… nothing!
.
.
And here I am.
. I
.
Its like being a 4 year old thrown out of a house into the snow in the front yard where no one claims me. Im all alone for the rest of my life… I can never go back. So; where or how do I proceed.
.
And thats what Im learning right now….
.
And I have to feel that abandonment of my life and my past; face it and start ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Dec 27, 2024 4:40 am

Blog
.
.
Could I go without a 12 step meeting at this point. Maybe!
.
Ive learned just enough; I feel I need support; but still; have I learned enough not to go to meetings.
.
Ive gotten to the basic core of things…
.
I still need support; but do I need knowledge from these groups.
.
So; that is the question; the answer always; is; not yet. I need to be able to bow down to God completely and work with a higher power… and that is the problem. A compete dependency on God….
And IM working on it… The idea is; so I can go back out into the real world again….
.
Am I ready for that; no.
.
but Im closer…
.
I want certain answers to my problems… . And thats what I want….
.
Ill have to work with God on these things… and keep working with God on this stuff; amen…
.
God has to wake up a part of me… Get me awake again so I can function again… Amen….
.
.
.
THIS NEXT LEVEL IS HARD: AND WILL BE HARD: THIS IS WHERE I BREAK OFF AND WITH SUPPORT AND FAITH WITH GOD: START DOING THINGS INDEPENDENTLY>
.
THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME WITHIN RECOVERY IVE DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS>…
.
Before; This; I did attempt independence; It never worked. My mind was to dissociative; I just wanted here… It could not move; it was like my nervous system was in a strait jacket….
.

I have to surrender to God and go down Gods pathways… I have to go down Gods pathways. I have to humble myself to God and ask for help on what to do…
.
Please God; please help me!
.
So; This next process is one of strengthening….
.
Ill have to work on my goals and get stronger and learn to believe that the universe is going to help; help me out into the positive… Amen.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Dec 25, 2024 7:36 pm

Goals;
.
Lyrics
.
.
.
New God;
.
Where am I at right now.
.
.
.
Reality is;
As I wake up in many areas of self; I find myself just as mind damaged as in my young youth from long term severe levels of PTSD… CPTSD…
.
Im still ruptured from Trauma…
.
I remember someone saying in college; “ Your the guy that doesn’t work”; They said this because I COULDN'T WORK… I couldn’t function…
.
I still cant function.
.
This has affected every level of relationships for the future and work/occupations/education…. Talents/hobbies; everything. Making money; This did not exist nor the understanding of any reality in the real world. I was not here; not present.
.
Today I still suffer from the same trauma; I would like to say its gone down; I do feel better; and my attitude of hope is 100% better ; How ever; not the core; I still remain ruptured. Im much much better; Much better at coping with symptoms ; However; my nervous system and brain/mind; still ruptured from trauma; cant function. I dont drink anymore; Thank GOd; but Ill be in recovery rooms for the rest of my life...
.
.
What are my goals.
.
WORK; Its not my goal to have a full time job; its my goal to try to become normal. Learning how to maybe do side jobs to get more money for food or clothing or gasoline if God willing; I work at getting a car… I want to learn how to survive just like everyone else…. In the real world.
.
.
I don’t want to be that guy that is tagged with; “ Hes the guy that doesn’t work”; I want to find some solutions for that on my own… learn to fit in a little better into society. I am old; but still want to experience some personal independence. Learning how to take responsibility for myself where I can.
.
I want to take college classes… Things like Art and sculpture….
.

.
Girlfriend;
Im finally beginning to kind of see what Im looking for… Im an absolute beginner; never really had a girlfriend. Anyone I really liked I felt safe with that I could have a long term relationship with….. Someone I choose and sought after; and presented my wielding ways to... Meaning; selling myself; presenting myself... Never had anyone I wanted to this with... Id like to be like anyone else and learn how to do these things in a state of independence... practice; experience; taking action.
.
Note; Ive never done these things After accepting myself as I am... with the disabilities I have. I want to accept myself and go out into the world and work with GOd and others at my frequency level and learn how to live...
.
Im seeing it…
I have to become independent and go out under Gods care and meet people.
.
In the past; I may have had some chances with people but I never told them the truth; instead I run off feeling useless… I ran away believing no one would ever like me… Why bother… So; I would like to do some work on myself get up to speed; under Gods pathways and let God bring some candidates for dating. And just kind of; on my own; learn to get to know people; feel my way through and start dating again.
.
This time; I tell the truth… I don’t care if Im ancient; and I am; but this time I tell the truth…. I can see this coming… all of this… Not saying its easy; not saying Im experienced at it. Not saying Im any good at it; How could I be; I got no experience in the real world at it; Nothing. Just walls that shut me off. However; I don’t want that to stop me… I want to just go do it anyway and see what happens. But this time; work with God and God pathway; and stop blaming others because they didn’t take care of me. I have to learn how to become smart and responsible.
.
So…
.
It starts with my ability to accept myself and where Im really at in the universe and work with God on it. Amen…..
.
.
.
Music creation and performance
Art creating and presentation of Art?
.
Lets start with those things.
.
Lets talk about drumming; who knows; maybe… who knows;...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Dec 25, 2024 8:25 am

The new struggle for a new life begins…
.
.
It is beginning; The Gaps Ive worked on in the past; those gaps to close up and get me to the beginning of a new life; This change is occurring. This work has got me to the beginning of dealing with and believing in; that the jewels within reality can be obtained; obtained by me.
However; Now; I have a whole new set of real challenges. I have to learn again on how to navigate in the outside world; in reality and through reality.
.
Im not strong enough for reality… not yet; Im right on the inner fringe of “in”: Think of someone hanging off the edge of a silver lining’d cloud…
.
Women;
Note; Women of the past used to look up to the way I looked; they were not interested in me the person: Thats not the kind of people I wanted. I never went after what I wanted; I had nothing inside of me; I was hollowed out and thrown away….
.
What did I really want; I wanted the girl next door; I wanted what God wanted for me; no one else. What I wanted were women of internal super higher quality; Think of women studying masters degrees at the University of……! Meaning; a reasonable college…. Women studying sciences or teaching… professorship. High level… A women with Masters Degrees in physics and Art!
.
I did not feel good enough about myself for that; To find women like that; I was 2 afraid of being looked over or passed by: However; thats where I belonged; with women whom had Masters degrees in Astronomy. OKE. So; in the present; Now that Im almost dead from old age…
.
Now that Im plenty years older then those in the senior center getting free lunch today; Fine; What do I do now?
.
Im barely on the fringe of a new life. IM BACK; Kind of… just barely wobbling around in the snow; but its not in a dream; Its not a dream; Im actually coming to; back into reality. The dream has become reality and Im here now. Im in reality barely able to make it or stand up; Not hurting as much as I used to mentally; I worked through a lot of stuff to get here… and now Im in reality… That reality is actually the escape… and I am getting some relief being in reality… I don’t have to live up to someones expectations. I always cared more about what others thought of me; I never wanted to be thrown away again the way my parents threw me away; or the fake best friend and his fake family; or the fake first girl I loved; who I meant nothing to; I was being played and manipulated by them for kicks and then I would be dumped.
.
.
.
Car;
Car; Ill continue to work on this until it becomes a reality. I work on this within my imagination; and The goal is to be retooled into believing; actually believe I can have a car; having a car has to do with; lets say; someone who is squarely in reality. Or responsible… Adult like… Adults drive cars. Some adults choose not to deal with it; I understand… Totally; but they have the choice because they are adulting. Its a responsible adult thing to do.
.
It will take allot of strength and work to bring me back to the present and feel good in it and develop again in it; it is happening; has been happening. And that is good.
.
Fascinating; I wont be around the original people anymore.
.
.
I am coming back to reality as my regional self. ; inside and out.
.
Its a brilliant thing to come back to reality. Im walking on water under Jesus….
.
Ive emerged. Im here. Beat up from the street up; a little stronger … More present then when I was being bullied and destroyed when younger. I cant say Im coming fully out of that… Im flat down on the ground; but its my ground.
.
.
SCHOOLING; Ive said in my writings years ago about the fun ability of maybe some day taking a class again at the local community college; maybe a pottery class or something; studying sculpting.
.
Today; maybe I can do that. Im like; take a bus or bike to that campus and take a class; Id be OK.
Its not perfect; Im not bac...

[ Continued ]

The reality of the Day!

Next blog…. In the realm of things...; The Change..

Could I go without a 12 step meeting at this point

Where am I at right now

The new struggle for a new life begins…

Who is online