June 2025
May 2025
Im at that place; of working with God for a wife…
Im not a bad looking old man… So; On that point; Ill be OK… Thank God, But I am an Old man… It doesn’t bother me so much.
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What does bother me… Im opening up in areas where I was slaughtered all of my life every-time I opened up. I had no protection. I was easily lied to by liars.. its that simple; I was never around the right people.
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Im now understanding I came from nothing; So… Im not having a problem accepting that. Ive learned the hard way and God has shown me. Now completely accepting that; The truth is good enough; Im not hiding side quests; I know the score; and its all oKe. Its well understood; my social lack of; My meager position in life: And this acceptance is well won; This took a very long long long time in the recovery process to allow God to finally show me the truth; to get up to its frequency that would allow-it-to-kind-of-just slip into my reality of awareness; Great! Fantastic really; I have no more reservations concerning this. I get it. Its very important because it actually gives me independence. Ive not needed to be someone Im not; Im Ok. Im accepting exactly what I came from; because Ive proven that I can handle the truth of it.
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NOTE: I have no hair anymore… Neither did my Grandfather when he was my age; HUge bald spot! Hurray… I really don’t care; but ya know; this is reality in all…
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Whats the problem then?
Im not sure I know of anyone with enough depth I can consider. Im not sure I know of a group I can define in society for looking for a Wife; Not in this country; Where do I look for a women/friend within. Notice I said group of people; not a specific person. Im interested in values; people with my values… I feel totally alone in society; Alienated…
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NOTE: Notice I said Women/friend; Not Partner…
However; if God says otherwise and says; “ OMNICELL: YOU WILL CLEAN UP DRESS UP: YOU WILL BE LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH AND YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF MONEY” AND I DONT PRESENTLY HAVE LOTS OF MONEY! SO BE IT!
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Ill be working with God on how to change my mind and attitude and how to get lots of money. If God tells me women are cute but unfortunately very un-depth-full and hes going to send me one of those kind; So be it; Ill work with it… I will do what GOD tells me to do to have what I want to have..
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BEGGERS CANT BE CHOOSY… I must be appropriate of the chance to be with someone and fight for the right for all of this to take place and I must get the help and inner social structures to help support me and use if we are together to make things work under God. I am not suppose to drop out this time. I am suppose to tell this person the truth of who I am up front and to learn to make things work. If this women turns out to be a serial killa or something; thats different.. but ya know what I mean! Because in this day n age; I have no idea what I will will happen… I don’t know. And I have to be prepared for that.
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Its as if Im from another planet or country or society or world or galaxy. I do not fit into these societies of spoiled people? Privileged people; they seem to me half pathological. In Their society Im a Joke or a laughing stock. I have no credibility because I don’t have privilege from some family system that creates false pretentious grandiosity; Meaning; and Ill explain more; Meaning; and here is an example; So; Im imagining Im talking about someones family system from these spoiled groups; Ill imagine; If their Great Great Great Grandfather was a Senator in 1850 and The Father owns the local Car Distributor business dealership in town and is successful. Or their kid is from a Farmer family and has money or something like that. Or they live in a nice solid house and have a good retirement or something. And on n on.
Its not just that I don’t fit into any of that with these people; And let me say first; and Ive been able to accept that; That I don’t fit into that. And I don’t expect to be accepted either.. By these type of people.
Im not from anything… I was thrown away when very very young. Ive found Im not accepted by these middle class type people/rich people and or anyone from society in general. Im looked down upon. They don’t care who I am; they care what neighborhood I come from and how much money I have and nothing else. I could be the worlds biggest criminal and they wouldnt care; They are more interested in what type of car I drive.
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The problem is; those spoiled types do not like people like me; Because I don’t come from that background They are the kinds of people that hurt people; Im the type of person that was hurt by monsters; So Im a odds with these type of people. I do not like them; I am horrified by them; I have no respect for these people; nothing; I find them dangerous. They are dangerous… they have no respect for real violence or war or the the Judicial system or how easy it is to land in jail when playing games with society.
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I have to learn how to do everything for myself or parish.
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When I get mentally ill from 2 much trauma or being rapped and molested or bullied when young; or thrown away completely; Im still on my own. I have no parents or real friends to help me then or now; No one cares about me. Ive never been loved by anyone ever… Nothing; No one; accept at this point; God… But I gave up on the idea of God after what I saw and went through.
Now; in the recovery process; that is different for me… I depend on God for life; But not people; I expect nothing from them but lies. And if I add the people within the societies in my country; it triples. They are dangerous to me. Pathological; Its OK that others should die so they can live as they wish.
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Who exactly am I suppose to associate with; certainly not from someone of this country. I don’t know who!
So; when it comes to women. I would want someone in their place… Someone praying on their knees to God with respect and humility As I do… Who depends on God to survive. That is just the beginning of it.
I was destroyed when young and have no money; Not my fault. And I don’t want anyone blaming me like Im less then because it. However; lets get real; Im not stupid; we are talking about a Wife. Or even a girlfriend to start; I need money! I mean come on now!
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I literally; the only thing I to offer; I have an enriched deep and depth-full personality; Im intelligent? And Ive found absolutely no one who cares; Ive found no one; meaning women; that could care less about my personality; They wont everything else including lots of money; a big house; big sausage factory “ ya know what I mean” “ Big Fat Wallet”. Sure; they may say one thing but what they want is always the same… They'll take you based on your looks, sausage size and wallet size…
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So; fair enough: I work with God; I know; that if I want a wife; I turn to God and I agree with God what ever; Open minded and just allow God to help me as I go down that pathway to open up and I accept what God tells me to become. Fair enough. Bring it on God. Fine; Ill do it; Ill get inline and take orders; Yes Sir! Bring it on. And thats where I at… I have to fight for what I want!
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I do need to grow up more; I need more development; I will be working with God through this later part of my developmental personality experiences. I get to grow again; and Im appreciative of this.
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This is a place of pain and torment; this is the original area of my life. So; This is not easy… Instead of being safe and getting developed with wonderful experiences; I was thrown away and I wont go into what happened to me; I had no life and was completely ripped to pieces… trampled mangled and destroyed.
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And yet; here I am now; slowly getting better concerning reality; God and recovery are responsible for this; Im still destroyed and mangled but my spiritual side is focused on the outside world in the present not the past; and that is truly and an incredible bloody miracle. Really; Its enough of a miracle that I appreciate the ability to pursue my life again; However; that does not mean this is not a huge chance… Its like being thrown back out to the sharks and told to just swim buy them; or swim at a certain angle down a certain path and trust this time the sharks wont attack even tho they destroyed me the last 12 times; and unfortunately this is the only way I can move down the relationship highway…
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NOTE: The more willing I am to work with God and open up to reality the better chance; because; I have to come out of all this past drama trauma victimization. Would I rather be right or happy? Would I rather be a victim or be married to a beautiful wife sent by God… I think Ill take the Wife; Thank you! But Im going to have to work for it and earn it. And my heart Is involved. I really want to try to believe this… I do believe this; but Ive been murdered in the past for less things; for even thinking this way.
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I am heading down that highway but this is truly a nervous venture of caution.
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I have to work with God; God will allow me to understand what I need to do to be safe with support. I have to become a different person if Im going to get involved with relationship again.
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I mean; It may take me half a life time to even find someone to go out with; ( Ill have to trust God) and that doesn’t count a person of correct level frequency… And the fact I want a best friend and someone I can trust? Will I make it through this death valley; will I survive ever getting this far…
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Ill have to work with God on this just to get people half way decent to date…
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Im working with God… And So; I have to stay open minded down this journey.
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NOTE: Im capable now; for what? I HAVE TO TAKE ACTION… THIS IS A VERY REAL AND IMPORTANT ASPECT OF MANIFESTATION… This can suck if Im to immature or beat up or damaged to do so. But it must be. I can work with God on this principle if I just cant handle that kind of thing yet. God can send helpers… I can work with God on all of this stuff.. Not do this alone…
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NOTE; That has been a problem from the past; doing this stuff alone. It never worked.
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I have to change; for example; God may have to supply me with money if I am to have a wife; Because thats part of the requirements in adult life. So; Fair enough; ill work with God on this…
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Im a sensitive great Guy; lots of potential and talents; Means nothing to everyone. Who I am as a person has always meant nothing to everyone; No one has cared.
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Im not so sure A wife would be any different; The difference is God; God will want me at a frequency; And that means I have to become someone to be married; even to have a girlfriend; even to find a women that actually is my friend; Its never happened before. Ive never had one… And personality wise; Im great as a friend; but Ive found no women ever that cared about being friends; They never wanted me as a friend. And I was like; What in the world could they want; They wanted a neanderthal who made money even if that person treated the women they were with like garbage; Women didn’t care how they were treated; it was more like; they found a monster; a sociopath and for those women; that was a find! They didn’t care if the guy was harmful to children; mattered not; he fits the physical and social and status position in society. How they looked to their friends more important then saving their own souls…
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Im Sorry; I cant do that. And God will never allow me ever around anyone that thinks like this.. Its sickening to me.
However; For Gods requirements; I don’t know. Ive never met anyone that is decent or human; nothing. As for dating. Nothing…
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I will work with God on the requirements that God requires and ill expect God to send me down the right pathways for that development; I will accept that part of openness and understand I have to open up again… And I will.
But this is scary business… I don’t want anymore pain from people; Thats not what Im doing around people.
People in this society are horrifying deceptive… They have no conscious and don’t care. I can be led of a cliff and no one cares or has a conscious about it.
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Im not sure What kind of pathway this will be.
I have no one I know that values me as anything. In fact; Ive gone through massive rejection and prejudice by lots of people; almost hatred without a cause. Welcome to my country!
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NOTE; However; God has allowed me to experience a few people lately tht have shown a genuine interest of values; Men and women… So; I believe God did this for me to continue to head down this pathway of development for a Wife!
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Im a decent person; and a complete outcast…
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So; growlling gnashing of teeth toward me from a whole scowling group of people in this society. Or all of society; Or this society in general. Hated for no reason accept Depth; I have depth…
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It seems because I have depth I cant find anyone to date… I never have ever been able to; theirs been no one.
The only people I extended an association; they simply lied to m! I thought they were nice people; decent respectable law abiding people; They were not… I was fooled; over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again; and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again
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To a point that I could no longer associate with Men or women anymore; I just could not… I could not allow them near me anymore… I mean; for my safety as a person. I just could not; they have caused so many problems…
Im not suggesting the only people I don’t want around me are women and women. I do want women around me; but not people that take advantage of me. Ive not found any women that valued me; They wanted money. That is all I have found…
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NOTE: Ive never found any women with depth that I could date or be with… I never found anyone that even wanted to discuss anything or have real conversation about anything real; Nothing.. At some point; I simply did not understand how all of this could have happened; Later; Jesus Universe; allowed me to understand; I picked those people. Next time; stop picking those kinds of Apples of the Apple tree. I picked them; They never came to me first! I found them first…
Im not suggesting I didn’t find men also to be lawless at times and troublsm.
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“ Im much more afraid of people in nice houses then anyone at the state penitentiaries”
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The point is; Im appalled at this; that general society is more dangerous and can be trusted less then those being put into jails for all levels of crimes against the people and the state…
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Where does all of this leave me. I just wanted a simple girlfriend when young; I nice girl next door who loved me and lived up the block; I did Not want all of this insanity that ensued … Not this horrific amount of trouble and problems.
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I don’t want anymore of this. Im willing to work with God and just open the doors God wants me to open and become what God wants me to become; and go on the journey God has for me. Maybe Ill end up with someone from the poor sections of India or something; someone with values who appreciates things. Maybe. But even so; I still believe Ill have to have money.
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Being in poverty and having a Wife? I don’t know. Unless of-course she finds me irresistible and adorable and is completely heart felt in-love with me from God. But In reality Ive only seen that kind of thing when a man supplied giant houses and cars and vacations… and endless spending sprees; Thus; The man was in love with the women; the women was in love with the life style the man created, supplied for her. As soon as the money goes; so does she… And that is absolutely as close to the concept of real love Ive ever seen.
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I don’t think any of the women I ever dated were even thinking about me ever. They were thinking about what they could get off someone else or they were thinking only about themselves.
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I am a good example of a worthy person of no value to anyone in this country. We will see what God does about this; Where I will end up and with what nationality group. I just cant see myself in this country anymore under these conditions as for marriage. Their simply is no one to marry… thats how its been. Im a laughing stock to people… And that is exceptionally confusing to me.
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In my words; do I sound like a bad person?
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What I don’t sound like; is someone with a large bank account or a house or a car or someone that is built like a tank in most ways Women want… A man with a large sausage Factory solves all problems for women; They will take a thug owning a large meat deli any day. That may be all they need or want…
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I would be convinced no women want me but I do believe in the Bible and I believe in God. I didn’t say women never found me attractive from a distance. All I said; But they don’t want to create a family with me and they will not become friends with me. They may have slept with me when young but want something much higher for marriage or a serious relationship; no one ever saw me as a relationship contestant.
When young; I was never told this is the way it would be. I thought my personality would have something to do with it. I was told in the Bible that it would have something to do with it; But I have found Nothing of this in the real world; Zero. Women will say they care about personality; but only if the guys got 10 million in the bank; And if so; a women will become my best friend and act the part out completely if I have that kind of Money. Im not suggesting Sunny Jesus will say any different; and thus; he might require that I have that kind of money; and God will help me Get that kind of money if I need it to be married; However; Im just saying!
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I have asked women out in my life… In several cases; they laughed at the idea of being a conservative women who played the part of nice neighborhood girl Christian; meaning as a way of values. They made it clear it made them sick to their stomach. Well; Thats nice; But that wont allow a procurement for a decent boy friend. I didn’t tell them that; I simply stopped any interest in them and went my own way. What ever they were looking for; to me; was evil. And I wanted nothing to do with it; it is corruption they seek. However; looking back;
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NOTE: Looking back; I noticed I was extremely affected when one women after the other; nothing would work out… It was like being in an alien landscape.. I never got anywhere ever… Nothing; not from the start with anyone. Nothing; And this; usually because the women would open her mouth and suggest something horrific and Godless and corrupt. So disrespectful. It would shut me down; I would just leave.
However; in those cases; I didn’t seem to have any hope that their was anyone better to go out with. Its like; I didn’t have anyone else; I didn’t know what the point was to find anyone anymore...I just walked away…
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I got to the point that if any women were beautiful and popular because of their beauty; I just walked away and would not let them get near me; I did not want to deal with that anymore. I could not deal with their ugly personalities; Id had enough; it was a complete and wholly waist of time. What was the point…
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So; I work with God and learn to open up to God and believe. I have to believe God will help me form who Im looking for; looking for in my imagination…
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And altho I sound like Im looking for perfection; In a sense; Jesus has let me know; “ THIS TIME OMNICELL; NO WALKING AWAY OR DROPPING OUT”.
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I have walked away from them; but in the end; these women said I meant nothing to them; and they would have gotten away from me anyway because I meant nothing to them. They judged me on superficial means; Money or looks. And that was all I got judged on; nothing more… I just walked away….
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I have said; that the only people in this life I was ever friends with were a few people on the South side growing up; Everywhere else and everyone else; No Go! They were faking it or didn’t need me… certainly didn’t need my friendship…. Did not value me or want me; They thought they were superior to me or better then me. I was repulsive to them… mainly because their families had more money.
Again; if I ask God about this; God would say; Stop picking those Apples of the Apple tree. Im suppose to work with God until I can learn to pick the right Apples of the apple tree; stop blaming anyone else. OK God.
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Ive been here before; but not to the extent of being so close to God while working on this stuff….
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And let me say; I have allot of growing to do. I have to get much stronger and mature to handle the rejections Im going to experience and being spit in the face and ridiculed as I go through this process taking action under God. I will not hit the bullseye all at once; I may miss the mark hundreds of times as I grow through all of this.
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I have to remember; half the society are liars; and I certainly will be meeting many of these corrupt culture people; and Ill have to prepare for being completely fooled out by this people and deal with it; they don’t care; its a game to them; they are lawless and value nothing. And they are able to fool many people; they are master manipulators. And certainly they can manipulate me right over a cliff; And they will for the fun of it if they can get away with it. They have no respect for life or their own country or countryman or countrywomen. They simply have no respect for the concept that we are in our country and their should be some value and respect put toward it and its people. And I will be fooled by many them; I must hang on until I get to a level of frequency set forth by my higher power… And then fall into that patch of people that God is calling me toward.
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I am trying and wanting to naturally be an honest person and decent person.
Ive honestly been and have made mistakes around some; I made allot of mistakes. I have been extremely mentally ill legally. So; I have not been perfect; and those people who do not see me as anything other then marginal person; these people would not want in their homes; I get it; Ill give them an out… I understand… And Im not suggesting those people are correct of their judgments of me. They are not; they are mistaken. But Ya know; Oke I get it!
But for the rest of people who no nothing about me?
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So; Here I am going back out into this war zone. God literally knows what Im facing; and Im looking for A Wife. And God knows the requirements for a wife in 2025. And That information will be past down to me through others guides by the universe…
I may have to change many things about me and my situation to be ready for a wife. Im willing; we will see.
Ill be working on this now.
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I will talk to God about money; bout car; about a house… about children and so on… Ill talk to God and say yes and learn to say yes to God no matter what the requirements are. I will learn to Bow down to God and say yes… Im already bowing down to God… So…
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I say yes because; what ever I want; I have to fight for it… And desperation leads me on. I have to show a desire for something; define it in general; take it God and bow down in submission to God for God to deliver it.
I must say yes down the pathway a thousand times for a thousand things; say yes under God that I grow in the right directions toward the goal.
I must be willing to continually bow down in submission to God at all times to move forward under Gods directions… And it will be “ Gods will, not mine”.
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From this I will be ready for who ever God sends me; I will be ready first before I meet them…
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NOTE: As Ive said; I have allot of work to do here, just to grow and develop into the person I need to become before I even start the actually journey or pathway… I have to get to the frequency That God requires for having a Wife… The kind of Wife God has set up for me. And it will not be a low frequency of quality. It will be a high frequency; so I must be at a high frequency level. God will show me; God will supply the tools and equipment and knowledge and pathways and teachers and instructors and recovery support teams for such indeavors.
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Anymore points to bring up. I would say; Ill work with God on the acceptance of not finding the right people at first; where I will be jolted and thrown away and miss guided and lied to; conned. And I will be conned in very convinsing ways; but not to gain resentments because of it; First I stop expecting anything from anyone or expecting any of this to work for a very long time. I need lots of experience dating the right kind of people but the wrong person. Or; dating the wrong people again in general and working my way out of it up to better quality people. And hanging in their getting support… and working my way up the ladder until Im really willing to be inline with God for what I want.
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And I think I did say the key words; To be so lowly I don’t expect anything of any of this; no matter what happens; Im just looking for experience. Dont take anything serious; not for awhile…
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No one owes me anything. If I get in trouble and with someone that its not working out; no problem; just keep trusting and working with God and let them go and move on; get back into my support groups and start again; do it a 1000 times and don’t expect anything of it; keep working with God down these pathways.
Can I do this; Maybe; with support. Its not my style; but hey; the world has changed and its never been what I thought it was going to be…
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So; I have to kind of grow up and understand what kind of situation Im getting myself into. Ill be dealing with people I know nothing about… Anyway… Its all good; Ill get started.
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And again; what will save me on this venture; is first thoroughly getting to a point where I expect nothing… I simply go through the motions of going out with people expecting nothing and just learning how to go by the numbers. Go out with allot of people; get more experience and go from there learning. And keep working with God and slowly making my way up the relationship ladder until I get good enough at it and that I can get inline with what God really has for me. I will pray about all of this.
I will specifically pray about being a student and working with the teachers to show me how to never take any of this seriously at first and have no expectations. Im going to be a “ No Expectation expert before I begin”. I will have this “ No expectations” stuff; down and experienced and understood and appreciated in a humble format long before I ever start real dating.
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NOTE: I don’t really know how to do that; not have expectations; I don’t have any experience with that; with this.. So; Ill be working with others and getting that mind set. I ll be working and earning my way into a new way of thinking first…
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Amen. Gods Will not mine!
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