OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 10, 2025 8:54 am

The next blog;
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I am slowly moving up out of the insanity Ive been in from the past…
Im slowly moving back out into a regular life where I get my needs met from the outside world; meaning regular life… Not 12 step groups.
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I feel at times im in the 9th grad when Im in meetings because it literally feels like Im in rooms intended for the purpose of sitting and sharing… Not much else goes on…
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Its like being in junior high kind of. Nothing wrong with that; but I want to go outward into the real world and meet people God wants me to meet…
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I want out!
Im ready to go back out into the real world
So;
Out in the world is where my goals are. Ill take God with me…
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I still have to develop… and grow more; not their yet… Ill get their…
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The goal is to see myself outside with normal people interacting. Im getting stronger; but not there yet…
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I can feel it tho…
Im thinking about women and interacting with them…
Im thinking about art and music creation.
Meeting new people…
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Ill work with God on all of this.
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IS a car possible; Ill talk to God about it; amen.
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Im not sure im saying what Im suppose to say.
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its like right now its a kind of an exit interview… but it may be a year long and I go somewhere else.
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More n more Ive gotten what Im suppose to get from these groups and Im ready to move on. Not yet; but Im getting their… amen.
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I can feel it as Im growing…
At some point Ill ask God for a new life where I do more on my own in new places;
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Im working through what I need to work through; its happening in the 12 step groups; and when Im better or stronger Ill try something new somewhere else; Ill keep working on it. Amen. Under God… talk to God amen… not their yet…
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Still dissociative and mental...
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Ill have to work with God on the next level of what Im suppose to be doing or be a part of; Not their yet; but I think my original interests when I was younger; that Im starting to show up or want to show up; amen.
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Im not completely well; Im dissociative…
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Im not well. I am getting stronger I guess; more independent… in life interest… I just have to keep going; keep working at things; and come back… I have to work with others; interact with others; amen.
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Ill have to keep working on what the problem is; the damage. Dissociative damage… So; Ill keep working on it….
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Dating;
Theirs never been any dating…
Nothing ever… No one…
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Nothing…
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Ill try to get honest about it…
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I really need to get honest about it… and keep getting honest about it; and just be myself…
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I don’t see anyone I like or trust… Nothing
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I don’t see anyone that sees me. Meaning; I don’t mean anything to anyone… So… I see know one that sees my worth or cares… So; Ill talk to God…
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I don’t know anyone that takes me seriously for my value; nothing; zero; its like I mean nothing to everyone.
All I can do is turn to God and learn to trust God on this; I don’t have any other choice.
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I don’t have anything; nothing material; nothing…
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I guess I really need to write on this subject. Ive been in a state of suspended animation considering all of this.
Ive been teased conned lied to and played; and faked out when young by girls with false crushes by girls who were just playing me…. Coning me.. But I went to them; that was the payment or the judgment on their part for ever showing up around them. I guess I never learned… No one wanted me…
Ill have to turn and talk to God…
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Ill have to write on all of this…
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I don’t know…
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I never had anyone interested in me; nothing.
And Ill have to look at this and really get into it and feel it; and go to the next level…
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Something is missing. Right from the beginning of my life. Ill have to work on this to become independent…
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Talk to God about this….
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Make a list of what Ill talk to God about completely.
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Make a list of what Ill talk to God about completely
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This is where I have to go...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 10, 2025 12:46 am

THE WORK GRID;
Welcome to Level’d up Recovery
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Before this was actual therapy for psychological disability; Im talking about when I started the recovery in the 12 step groups; and this will be later…
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I made it past the last level in recovery… Ill call that Level 1. This includes all things spiritual psychological; dealing with resentments and expectation and emotions and feelings and tragedies.. This includes learning how to trust myself and the human race again at some levels.
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Before this was actual therapy for psychological disability;
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NOTE; The whole idea of the first part of recovery is to clear away everything that I can; moving the past out of my life as best as possible. And move into the next level of recovery…
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Clearing away the past
clearing away mental illness symptoms and problems; best I can
acceptance
Psych help and meds in the beginning and monetary help from the state.
Interacting with others…
Dealing with maturity issues
Goal setting
everything; dealing with God higher power
12 step groups; working the 12 steps with a sponsor… over n over n over; especially that 4th and 5th steps… 1000000000000 times if possible… For this reduces resentment and expectation that causes resentment; using these 4th steps.
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Success based thinking process is a later step in the first process of recovery for me.

from innovators like Napoleon Hills book; Think and grow rich… To BoB Proctor; Abraham Hicks and others; These online coaches for the laws of attraction; help to create Billionaires by showing new ways to think and grow rich. I believe theyre philosophies for getting rich have proven themselves; This is about Learning to program the Brain… and re program the brain to win; and to Think and grow rich and be successful.
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As for Level one recovery; to break it all down; the different categories;
This list goes on n on. Think of all the basics in life I would like to get… redevelop. In the recovery process; how one slowly becomes aware of the need for these life basics to be brought forward and dealt with and aligned and brought back into reality… Brought to life again… And this; This the First part of recovery; This is the First Level.
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The beginning of the Second level of recovery…
Once these areas of the first level are established under God in recovery; I began a trek to something new;
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A story example of the beginning of the Second Level in recovery;
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Think of one on a sailing vessel of the 16th century or 17 century….
One enters a ship from the dock; and then suddenly That boat leaves the port of Spain and heads out to sea; On board; one is told of possible great lands to the West months and months away! And thus; The trip begins.
The trip is long and treacherous. However; after months n months on sea; suddenly; One Day; a mate comes into ones sleeping quarters and say; “ We've hit land We've hit land”. And before One knows it; Theyve gathered all their belongings; and are headed down the ropy walkway to a port dock… and for the first time in months; with the sun shining; they get off the ship and take their first steps onto new land…
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After a few days of recuperating; Those staying on land at that port; they gather together and work out a new plan.
The boat might be going back to Spain; but it wont be taking many of the passengers; because for those passengers its a one way ride; They will be staying in this new land of theirs…
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The First level of recovery ends when these people enter land after getting of the boat and decide to create a plan and stay in this new land; this new country. Its a new level; a new start. So for this example preparing themselves for the journey; taking the journey on boat; landing on new land; and preparing a plan for staying on this new land represents the first level of recovery… Staying on the land and developing these new plans is an example of the next...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jan 08, 2025 7:41 am

New concepts….
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Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
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Dr Jekyll is the conservative; He takes responsibility for what he does; He learns the value of such things; because; It keeps me safe and private…
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Mr Hyde; Mr Hyde runs of with strangers; meeting new strangers blindly; He does not check first to make sure they are on my side; He doesn’t check anything about them; nothing; he walks blindingly into their lives without invitation; He cons and weasels and pretends and frauds and lies and misappropriates others times and well being. He ropes in; He deceives; misleads…
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And when Mr Hyde doesn’t succeed; He blames the world for his misgivings… He blames the world for his plight…
He ends up getting all of us tortured to death... Thus; an answer must be saught...
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What is the answer…
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I use the 4th step from 12 step meetings. I use written 4th steps; meaning a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself….
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What Ive found; Every person I was broken from outside of the original family system I came from; all of these people had 1 thing in common; I was never invited.
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The real me; the conservative me would have never met these people. If I had been inline with God; I would have stayed home; prayed and stayed with God and allowed God to manifest what I needed and what I was looking for; Manifested down a "God pathway… " I would have stayed on the path with my inner being and my Universe guidance system and God Universe; Holy Spiritus and Sunny Jesus and his Army of Justice league Holy Angels… The Frequency of the Universe would have been on my side.
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However; I broke the basic rule; Do not promote; attract!
My mistake; It was not attraction; it was promotion.
I was promoting myself to make friends or acquaintances or relationship; IT NEVER WORKED> When I could no longer entertain; no one was interested anymore…
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I never met anyone that was attracted to me. I didn’t attract anyone. In order to attract; I had to go through Jesus; God… Universe; and have God bring them to me… But I did not want to do that…
Why; I don’t know. Maybe I thought they would be Squire pegs n boring.. I don’t know. Now; Ive changed my mind.
Dear God; Im working through you now; down God pathway; help me God to stay the line; Help my faith and to be faithful God to the small things that you may find me in favor that I may graduate to the bigger things; Amen….
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And please help me to get through these Fearless Moral inventories God so I can finish them and come back to reality in one piece; Amen.

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Jan 07, 2025 11:16 am

NEW EVENTS;
Got up this late night; Got up and felt it. Havent felt this way since childhood; since I was a little kid; I was feeling the original me with secret independence. And Ive never felt this way before as an adult ever; but then Ive been destroyed the whole time.
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Now; under Gods sovereign state; Im actually feeling what Ive been working toward all of these years; Im feeling that connection with God and self; My real self; I becoming me again; in safe spaces; The inner child IS ME! And Im connected to God… And its our independence together… God is my Father and I am his son! Hallelujah; Amen.
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God is bringing me back; God is in the progress of bringing me back. Im showing signs of being brought back. Ive been brought back. The original me is here… Im showing signs of a stage I have not felt since childhood… Its the real me with some forms of independence..
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Im showing it around others… Im showing some expression and strength of choice around others. And Im feeling a sense of escape and safety into my apartment…
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Ive been thinking about cleaning up my apartment; and getting a new wardrobe… Ive not been willing to keep clothing clean; I would rather just throw them out.. but that just wont do… Ill have to learn how to take care of them; wash them.
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I have one job I don’t like; WASHING CLOTHS>……
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Im showing signs of being present again with no past… Its me; independent; as if I took control; control of the harnesses of the past and I rode that thing right into the present…
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The way Im interacting with others; its still weak and Im still broken; but another stronger me is coming out; an independent me.
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Im becoming what God wanted me to become; Just a guy having to work at his life; someone enthusiastic about living and no one owes me anything. But theirs must more; a secrete life with God; ran by God; under Gods care; and the magic and secret perks I get for doing so…
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NOTE: No one owes me anything; that is because Ive spent half a life time working on what they did to me.. and working it out; all the things others actually did owe me.
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Ive written thousands of pages on what has happened to me and what they did to me and Ive written many hundred 4th steps and other techinques; working out resentments using the 12 step groups sponsors and 12 steps on paper… Ive followed God; been on my knees to God grieving and pleading with God; years and years and years of it; and working with God and feeling safe with God and yelling at God for what God did to me or allowed to have happen to me; He wasnt there during my childhood; he skipped out; and I owe him nothing; but he owes me everything because he brought me here; So; Ive learned to talk to God about it and work with God.
Ive done a tremendous amount of work; years and years and years of it; to get to this point. Tremendously long time period having to work on the past; always hanging in there somehow…
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And God rewards me and allows me to awaken as myself again with that feeling that the past has slipped away. It no longer owns me; I own me and God owns me because I belong to God and God is protecting me; I am his and we are one together… God is my protector and my Father and My Mother. And I am being protected by the Star system that governs the universe; for they are live stars; they think and breath and they send signals to man kind and they have names; Jesus; God; Universe; Holy siritus and their Angel Army protectors of the Universe. They are the most ancient stars in the Universe; they are alive and the over seers of the universe… They are a group; and they are what we call God…
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The Holy Bible talks about them all the time. For example; The wise men by night and the shepherds fallowing a star… That star in the sky they are following is; JESUS!
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So; here I am kind of becoming myself again with my own independent life.
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[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 06, 2025 4:59 pm

A wall exists between me and the outside world where my goals are;
Here are my goals…
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Wife
Money
House
Car
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation
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Some narratives exist and have been growing around these goals… So; there is energy movement around the environments of these goals. And movement exists within these goals… They are like plants with water and plant food and sunshine added daily; and there is growth going on and going on around them.
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PROBLEM;
Dissociation; Anxiety disorder/ C-PTSD PTSD/ AVPD… Agoraphobia and so on… Clear sense of
Dysthymia depression; kind of a lingering long term depression for ever… In addition to defeatism and massive discouragement.
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A Dissociative wall exists between myself and these goals. Its like Im in 2 different realities… I have been working on all of this for a long time; However; this wall remains and Im separated from whats on the other side.
My job is to get to the other sides of these things…
If I get to the other side of these things; that means I no longer think someone owes me anything and Ill assess my situation and go after it myself; I wont be waiting around for someone else to show up accept God is always with me; Ill continue to pray and work on new narratives for myself…
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All of these problems keep me home bound and not trying something new; fear fright and horror….. anxiety and hatred and fear… deep terror and horror…
So; triggered PTSD…
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And being cut off from my childhood and identity.
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Ill get their…
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Im making advancements on all fronts. However; this anxiety wall that is controlling me; its way over my head on all fronts; it looks like a giant solid 10 foot thick wall of concrete; it stops me and looms over me with its 25 foot height. Its a solid imposing wall… its a wall of control; I have to ask its permission to do anything… so it has total control over me…
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So; that would be the wall to over come; and its linked to the past.
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So; that wall needs to go down and everything associated with it; and all its intimidation…
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As I said; my goals are on the other side of it…
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And that is what I have to work on… And Ill keep working on this… as I do I get a little further inroad and I get stronger; This wall will come down at some point… And then Ill be splashed with reality And the reality of; I have my full like ahead of me; but with God help; Ill be earning what I need or want; amen… or how ever God wants to see it;
Ill be getting up to speed at the same frequency of what I want… Amen.

I am slowly moving up out of the insanity Ive been in from the p

THE WORK GRID; Welcome to Level’d up Recovery

New concepts…. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Im present again; Ive been resurrected

A wall exists between me and the outside world

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