OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Dec 08, 2024 12:15 am

Whats next…
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First; I may have to take someone to court to get them out of being a problem around me… Ive got some very low weirdo low lifes; that are bothering me…
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After this. Its back to the middle class… I have middle class values and now I go back to my version of life with middle class values; No one from the past; Nothing!
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Ill be working with God to head back myself to the middle class… Ill be asking God; and working toward relationship/wife/family creation; House Car/truck Money… education; work… vacations… And so forth…
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So; this gap Im in right now; as I wake up; Im just waking up… and so I have a large gap to fill… or walk through or walk across a bridge to get to….
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So; Im in this strange lonely place… its all Oke…
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Im at this place to go back to where I came from; in this case; the acceptance within myself of who I really am and what I lost… accept that their were losses; Im back or coming back; to being myself again; so I didn’t loose myself. Im slowly coming back; I did loose myself; Im now regaining self slowwwwwwwly; but its happening… And that means my real independent self before I was slaughtered over n over no over. And all of this because of God…
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Ive worked through most external people who I was dependent on.
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God helped me move on by seeing the truth of them and of my role in things… and once waking up to some sanity; I was very welcome to move on and get out of there; and come back to myself and God and start over; accepting to start over…
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So; here I am now…
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Im more myself now; but without the fake people of the past pretending to prop me up as friends. I thought they were on my side; I was completely mistaken… 100% and that was my fault; not anyone elses for believing them. When I take responsibility for this; its a lot easier to clean up my side of the street and move onward… Moving onward from this kind of stuff is truly world level events in life. Its not easy; and it takes allot of work and along long time but completely worth it; IT starts by Talking to God; asking God for help…. The Universe has power I don’t; I go to were the power source exists…
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IM COMING BACK TO MYSELF… As my origional good self… where Im not tied into anyone or anything; I can be what ever I want… Ive done the work to become freed of several things… all things I think.
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However; Now I must work with God to believe HoUSE, TRUCK, WIFE, MONEY, OCCUPATIONS/WORK/CAREERS Educations…. And so on….. Getting life back…
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Married in 2024 or more At old age like myself; I don’t know; accept getting my life back means Getting that wife back I never had….
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Id like to say their were several people I was going to marry; or they were going to marry me; NOT SO. No such animal exists…
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I never created anything where anyone even thought of marring me; its all a fantasy in my head…
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So; Now; under God getting my life back; What I learn with God… I will ask God about a girlfriend ; a friend… Just meeting someone; just start with social after feeling good about myself; this is possible; but all things must be under God; Under God this time…. They have to be; I cant get out of line on this. I did that when young; and Got beheaded in the process….
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SO; I am authentically coming back to myself… without anything from the past; all that work has payed off… But its just a barely beginning; but it is up to speed and it is real…
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Now; That Im in this new plain; I just need to strengthen where Im at; keep going and growing where Im at getting stronger and stronger and
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GETTING TO KNOW GOD
Learning how to talk to God
Learning how to trust God
Learning how to ask for what I want from God
Learning how to receive from God…
Learning how to work with God
God teaching me how to connect with God…
Learning how to be close with God; walls down and trust… and talk to God about this trust problem and...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Dec 06, 2024 11:25 pm

Blog…
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Starting to open up; Starting to pray about opening up. Starting to ask God for help concerning taking some action while I also have a goal or philosophy. This means; I have a desire interest; Id like to learn how to take action along with the thoughts on the desire.
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However; it all must be tempered within the constrains of the disability or I will parish very quickly.
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I can already feel the pain and exhaustion of the disability hitting on me from taking actions recently.
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I can only stay and participate at something for so long before I start to avoid and dissociate and then I must leave and go home.
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Should this stop me. NO! Ill talk to God about. I want the ability to focus on taking actions with my desires as a main focused point or goal; meaning it becomes a main focus of interest…
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Call it a work ethic point. A higher standard of work ethic. So; I don’t just talk about dating the right women: I work with God on how to take actions appropriate with where Im at in my life and abilities… to go with it. No longer is it just future planning and or planning on paper and in imagination. I also talk to God about pathways that lead to real world interactions… I learn to take some adjusted beginning action; practice for a beginner…
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NOTE; I must learn; I ask God on my knees if I can; hands out; I plead with God; and ask God and work with God for what I want. I tell God what I want… connecting with God… And thus; let God bring what Ive asked for and I stay out of it; because I have no power; God has all the power… amen… I have to learn to keep my hands out of the cookie jar!
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FEAR; SHAME, And PRIDE> Failure and Discouragement
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My God; have I got insecurities dealing with the real world and being myself in it around others…
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This has stopped me in my tracks as far as the real world… I don’t want to be judged and torn apart…
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So; Ill take it to God…
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Ive had my life stripped away by situations and people; and also Failure and Discouragement; totally bottomed out completely until their was nothing left. And their was nothing left to start with. And I was way way way under age; Just a child; a young child when this was being done to me over n over.
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I have no space within me to take more….
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So; Here I am; an Old or Senior citizen with years of recovery work; working with God wanting to do this again; to try. I want to live my life…
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So; Under God Im willing to try this…
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Im willing to try and live my life again… Under Gods care…
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OPENED UP 5 DIFFERENT WAYS IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS….
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Several hobbies…
meeting new people; opening up to them
Just started a writing club where we share our written stories at a location
Just make a DnD character for real board game RPG Dungeons and Dragons…
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Started several MMORPG’s…. and lots other classic games…
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Several hobbies and callings that require just a dab of paint; if you know what I mean. I means; start with a word a note or a dab of paint; on that story, on the song on that painting. Start it and work at it everyday… When my skills become developed enough from experience over n over n over; take those things Ive created; make sure their good enough for a band or a wall or a story night; and then Says God; “ take them out into the public and share them…” They will be at a basic level of professionalism. They don’t have to be perfect; but they need to be good enough; solid enough to have as a piece of art work on someones wall… or a song played by a band; or a story that might not be publishable but maybe is professionally done enough to put into a contest or even an online non profit mag for writers…
Am I making my point… The art pieces I want to make; They have to be more then amateur… that means I have to learn skills at a competent level; but also production skills where the finished product doesn’t have any clerical flaws; grammar ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Dec 06, 2024 11:46 am

Still sick; lay lo… Keep working with God…
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Maybe for the first time; Im starting to address some core issues of betrayal from when young that were way over my innocent mind. Maybe now; Im trusting God more and willing to go deeper with God; as I no longer believe in anything outside of God anymore…. Or outside my imagination…
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Ive not been protected; meaning; I thought I was being protected when very young; so I allowed myself to dream. In reality I was never being protected; I was being fooled by the people I was living with; they were pure evil; pure monsters…. Right out of Hell…. From Hell… Satanic… Demons; Murderers; The real kind…. That means I had no one there for me but didn’t know it…
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So; Altho I allowed myself to open up and dream; I was being fooled by my surroundings; they were never safe. And some of the houses I visited were never safe outside the house I lived in. But I didn’t know that.
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So fooled was I by this evil; I spent years around people I thought were my friends; but they were never my friends; they were so sinister in nature; pure evil; to fool someone like myself… 2 faced is not the word for it; Sociopath from a very early age… no conscious. Pure evil. I was being lied to and fooled the whole time with no authentic reality that anything was wrong or different then it should be. I thought I was totally safe; I was never safe from the first moment I met any of them; they were playing me and pretending to be my friends; they were using me the whole time as long as they could get away with it. That means not a murmur; Nothing going my way; Meaning; they never let on anything was wrong or that they were secretly against me; Never saw it; I was a small child…
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I created a whole family system out of some of these people and their families and they were never on my side; it was all a lie. All of it! And I never knew it. They verbally said and and made it seem I was part of their families… Or; someone did… Looking back. My best friend never said he was even my friend; nothing. They would allow me to ramble on about things as if I had this wonderful acceptance; but in reality I was never wanted…. But I never new….
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The people that were suppose to be my friends; were not! They though I was trash below them; but when I introduced myself to them; they acted cool and collected like we could be friends.. No issues; nothing… like they were nice people.
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I never thought about it; I just thought I was making friends; but I wasnt. They were never my friends.
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Ill keep writing on this until the real deeper truth comes out.
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From the start they were my enemies who were fooling me; No Friends; They did not respect me or look up to me or want to help me or see me as any valuable person…
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Im mad because I could have found others friends. I didn’t know these people were against me from the start; but they were sinister… I was being used very quietly and deliberately. No one said a word.
But after a certain age; they pulled the plug on it; and I didn’t even know that either… Meaning the Mother and Father… Meaning the Mother and Father were using me to baby sit their son. I was just a token fool to them that was stupid enough to wonder into their trap in the first place; they would care less who I was. But much worse; the son was in on it as well. The Son was in on it as well; Unbelievable.
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That means the thousands of hours I logged in with that person; spending time with him; they were all in vain; all faked by this person. I was not building any relationships with anyone; they were fooling me. I had no idea; nothing… I was destroyed and devastated… I meant nothing to these people. I had no idea; they had completely fooled me…
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That means all the camping in the backyard the stay overs; the food, being able to come over early or stay late; all of the generosity and nice...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Dec 06, 2024 2:55 am

Blog;
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The Loneliness of advancement… No where to hide…
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So; Im getting into my video Games; and that truly is great. Because for a dissociative like me; its moving forward into the unknown; and that is always scary… Even in a video game…
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So; moving forward into the unknown of anything is horrified; petrified terrified… lonely scared; broken… .
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So; lately many things have come to pass of my interests… meaning Ive followed through on many things… smaller things to the world; but not to me; they are gigantic; they are signs Im coming back to mental health equilibrium ; at least for this round…
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Im not talking about getting over the bigger pictures of mental health; Im getting better; and Im glad for it; but I still have the major problems…
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However; Im starting to get over; move through monk mode… Ive been in it for a long while now… Its been probably over a year since entertaining a hobby of interest; Ive forgotten it because I was deep in thought and inner desire… I had to mature and deal with the past; suddenly years had gone by. And suddenly it happened; It hit a spot of upheaval. I twisted out; or flipped up front down… I collided with the hemispheres… and slowly floated back down to earth. When I started to awaken; I was here now; more present; and I started to clean my room again; started to hang out with others a bit.. Worked through several personalities from the past that had a hold of me. God let me let go of them and slip away; almost like having grease on my inner hands; all I could do was let go…. And feel them slide off; slide away….
I hit the ground and God was waiting for me; for God is lowly; and God is not in the sky all the time; God was on the ground where I would meet him; for the meek shall inherent the earth.
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And I got up and roamed but had no ideas for those I had let go of… For; they were a lie. But I did get the message from God to be careful out here; for the serpent is a liar that appears wise. Very dangerous… Better for me to be in safe spaces far away from trouble… and simply work with God….
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I got up and started cleaning my room. My living room… and then my kitchen; it was a right of passage… I had waited many moons to come back from Monk Hood; So I could be present again. When in Monk mode Im dealing with the past; Im not present and everything in the present looks like a Mad Max movie of apocalyptic proportions. I cant really do anything in reality; that is just to exposing; to far for me.
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So God…. What do I do God…
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So; with much work and working through more of the past; I woke up… And I started to clean up; and this is a ritual I do when I start coming out of monk mode. Its like a world that turns and burns to chaos… and then I start coming out of it.
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And I started…
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And when I start coming out of it; I start cleaning up; I start participating again in life… little bits. I get a little stronger; a little more advanced…
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And thats what happened here….
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And this time; I started again within some hobbies of interest…
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Many things I started to participate within… Lots of very beginning things…
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And so Im showing signs of pursuing the ability to take interest in things that with enough effort; I could move forward in if I took the chances.
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Taking chances for someone like myself who is bashful and timid; very Gun Shy against the world; this is an unusual site…
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So; for me to be where Im at now; is because of allot of work and effort. How long will it last; I don’t know.
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Ive gotten many insights and answers from the universe…
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I have learned one thing; Everything I Pride; Not the Good kind… The Bad Kind; and it keeps me from bowing before my Higher Power and simply connecting with my higher power and getting the answers I need.
When Im at my higher powers lowly level; I can reach out my hands and arms and connect with my higher p...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Dec 04, 2024 9:20 pm

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Blog;
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Where am I now.
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Slowly getting to know God and work with God to strengthen me; to come back To learn how to handle reality.
I can see reality; Im sober minded in many ways; still broken and weak. My ability to deal with reality is still very weak but Ive made friends… Im awake but very weak; all those mental break -downs through my younger years. Im trying to work through them so I can live again and face or deal with reality. Im able to face reality more without dissociation; well; Im dissociating but Im also able to be in reality. So; Im learning to accept.. its just that my mind is so weak to participate in life; Thats why Ive needed such help.
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As much help as I can get! Even; to do the most basic human things…
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Strengthening of the personality in day to day life; dealing with Day to Day life… Being able to handle the mental pressures of life… of being present…
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Thats what Im working toward…
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Im also working toward my goals… Goals that are similar to anyone else I guess…
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My participation in interests seems to be getting of a more solid nature… Im more present and participating… Im kind of Re-habilitationing.
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My life is about Re-habilitationing…
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My decisions are about rehabilitation…
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My doing Oke; I mean; Im doing well considering… Im not sure thats the right terminology but I think it is…
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I have Stalkers from meetings to deal with; Take in front of the courts… My mind has been weak and dealing with internal issues so Ive delayed doing anything about this problem. Ive tried to avoid it. But they are still bothering me… So; I have to take them to court… Its not easy calling the police; its like an unknown… and Im not sure what will happen… However; its a police matter…. So… Ill have to. Sucks!
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My goal is to work on my stories of a new life as if I already have it…
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BELIEFS;
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What are beliefs;
Beliefs are things I tell myself; after telling myself the same thing several thousand times; I start to believe it because Ive told myself the same story thousands of times…
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NOTE; I have allot of bad and useless beliefs to be changed back into positive beliefs under God; but this will take much much work; Better get to work; start writing those stories about what I want as if its already happened; thousands of them; so I can believe. Visualizing… Make Vision board of what I want…
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The beginning of getting what I want is when I believe. God pathways can be opened up to what I want… God can do this… set in motion the opportunities for the things I truly believe I will get…
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For example.
If I truly believe Im getting a truck; pathways will become open for it; Including the gas money and maintenance and licensing insurance payments. All of these things need to be taken to God to create a world around getting these things. . believing these things…
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NOTE; I used to get mad because I didn’t have things; but I never believed I had them or could get them. This type of work for success based thinking; this is helping me with the first step of believing; I have to learn to believe first…
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So; The idea is to write stories; thousands of times of the way I want things in my life as if theyve already happened. Ill write these stories so many times; at some point I start to believe it; I believe I am what Ive been writing about…
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So;
Lets say I have the kind of wife I want; ( If thats even safe in 2024); I danno…
Lets say I want a truck or a house; Or more money for things like clothing and food or gas and insurance for that truck when it shows up.
Goals of participating in my callings of art…
A family…
What about education; taking more classes of interest…
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None of this happens if I don’t believe; This stuff happens when I believe; when I can accept to receive when God wants to give… and when Im at the equal frequency of what I want to attract… I attract what I am… I...

[ Continued ]

After this; Its back to the middle class…

Starting to open up

Still sick; lay lo… Keep working with God…

The Loneliness of advancement… No where to hide…

Where am I now 12/4/2024

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