July 2025
June 2025
A wall exists between me and the outside world where my goals are;
Here are my goals…
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Wife
Money
House
Car
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation
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Some narratives exist and have been growing around these goals… So; there is energy movement around the environments of these goals. And movement exists within these goals… They are like plants with water and plant food and sunshine added daily; and there is growth going on and going on around them.
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PROBLEM;
Dissociation; Anxiety disorder/ C-PTSD PTSD/ AVPD… Agoraphobia and so on… Clear sense of
Dysthymia depression; kind of a lingering long term depression for ever… In addition to defeatism and massive discouragement.
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A Dissociative wall exists between myself and these goals. Its like Im in 2 different realities… I have been working on all of this for a long time; However; this wall remains and Im separated from whats on the other side.
My job is to get to the other sides of these things…
If I get to the other side of these things; that means I no longer think someone owes me anything and Ill assess my situation and go after it myself; I wont be waiting around for someone else to show up accept God is always with me; Ill continue to pray and work on new narratives for myself…
.
All of these problems keep me home bound and not trying something new; fear fright and horror….. anxiety and hatred and fear… deep terror and horror…
So; triggered PTSD…
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And being cut off from my childhood and identity.
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Ill get their…
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Im making advancements on all fronts. However; this anxiety wall that is controlling me; its way over my head on all fronts; it looks like a giant solid 10 foot thick wall of concrete; it stops me and looms over me with its 25 foot height. Its a solid imposing wall… its a wall of control; I have to ask its permission to do anything… so it has total control over me…
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So; that would be the wall to over come; and its linked to the past.
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So; that wall needs to go down and everything associated with it; and all its intimidation…
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As I said; my goals are on the other side of it…
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And that is what I have to work on… And Ill keep working on this… as I do I get a little further inroad and I get stronger; This wall will come down at some point… And then Ill be splashed with reality And the reality of; I have my full like ahead of me; but with God help; Ill be earning what I need or want; amen… or how ever God wants to see it;
Ill be getting up to speed at the same frequency of what I want… Amen.
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