OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 04, 2025 3:02 pm

What have I learned today;
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I may have learned all I needed to learn today to start with…
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So glad I have a sponsor…
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SO; I tried to kill myself when young on drugs and alcohol; but I woke up; I got drug psychosis; later became an alcoholic by drinking years after I stopped using drugs…
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And trying to escape kill myself in other ways…
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So; I wake up in high school; I wake up sober; and its like OK; Now what; I realize Ive become one of those troubled people; what do I do now; where do I go from here; what do I do; I got that pessimistic attitude about living and life; whats the point; what do I do now. SO; Im actually getting it in recovery; OK; what do I do now; Its like Im in the 10th grade; I get it; Im seeing myself attitude about life; I turned into one of those guys; who tries to kill himself in verious ways to get out of here; to deal with my troubles; Im still here; what do I do now.
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However; Im awake; Im sober; what do I do now! Its like Im in 10th grade; in High school; what do I do now!

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Aug 31, 2025 5:12 am

Went to a meeting; talked about social anxiety; Because I cant even deal with anyone in front of me because Im terrified of all of it; the idea of a relationship…
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The only remote relationships Ive had; the goal was relief from social anxiety disorder. Actually; I just wanted to be loved by a family; The girl finally gave up why I was at her house; and soon; the whole thing just crumbled. I got mad at the girl for not understanding.
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What I needed was lots of support I didn’t have. Now I have some levels of support.
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When I take this stuff to God; I get one answer back; Just follow they guide from one of the Dating coaches I watch; ( a very good one); Just do what he says and stop trying to make women into men when Im talking to them. Im talking to a women; I have to talk in a way that conveys my interest in having a girlfriend or a wife… I have to create the excitement and interest in her so she can decide for herself. This is specific language associated to women for the purpose of courting… This is not One man talking to another; that wont work here; And thats the way it is; either adapt or go home alone; Women are not men and never will be; and never will I talk to them as if Im talking to a guy about a football game…
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Im starting to get it; get in line to the rules of the universe; Fine; I give; Ill do it; Just take orders.
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As for relationships; interactions; dating to going home with someone; I have to learn from the very ground up; all of it.
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Im starting to realize; I never learned anything concerning relationship or dating or women or taking women home or romance or sex or anything.
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I actually was always looking for a family system to hide within because of my anxiety; thats all I ever did. So; I never really had any relationships with anyone.
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Now; I would like to learn how to talk to women and have this all change.
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However; for a New Design for living ( a concept out of the 12 step groups Im a member of); I need relationship with God; support/ sponsor; and I have to learn how to take action. So; taking action can mean simply prayer and writing new stories about the new life I want; or working the steps with a sponsor.
However; in my case; it now means something more real world. If Im working on dating; It means; learning how to go to new places; meet new people in the right tribes; and success with these people means; they will offer introductions to the women they know. And thus it begins; I begin to work with real women I may be able to date and interact with for romantic purposes; Thus; I have to learn how to meet them in introductions; flirt with them creating romantic sexual tensions; and then get their numbers and call them for a next basic date and go from from there… and a whole of more stuff.
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So; all of this interaction requires allot of work and training on my part. The anxiety disorder makes this type of interactions with people; almost completely impossible; I mean; Im in a true literal state of shock n terror. However; something wonderful has happened and continues to happen.
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My ability to accept the things I cannot change; and the courage to change the things I can; and the responsibility associate with showing up and doing the work for a thing; Im much more developed then I realized for general living and I have allot of support. So;
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I think barely I can do this; but I can tolerate doing this. I can; but seriously; really; it gets really vulnerable and absolutely freaks me out to have success with women Im attracted to; My God; its like fantasy to me. I do not feel good enough for such things. However; That wont stop me; but this is really going to hurt going in this direction but in the end I will grow up a bit.
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What I will learn;
I will learn; Im able to go after my own interests; Its OK. Im not the first independent that has had to go after what he wants.. ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Aug 29, 2025 11:04 pm

Social; Flirting with women; Officially has began
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This is a very important aspect of life right now. Im studying a dating coach on youtube; a very good one; Basically its about talking to women… creating attraction; once created; creating dates; and from there; girlfriends. And their it is; to start with…
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And all of this brings me closer to women. And thus; women tribe.
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Im using the laws of attraction on this relationship dating stuff; for this is one of my goals; relationships. This means; I have to imagine I come into a realm of vast women; and then I meet women and be within women tribe and women nation; thus women all around me; for me to flirt with and date... and talk to and be friends with and go do stuff with...
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I know what I want; I want my life back; I want the ability to date again; I want girlfriends; I want to create sexual tension in women... Because; in addition to a girlfriend; this would mean my social life is back… .
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So; Writing about women and meeting them; and the kind of women I want to associate with.
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I am studying how to talk to women until I become a master; Im stuying some sites on how to be social with women; flirting with women; meeting women; watching this turns to dating… and from their; I can take it from there… Girlfriends… and so fourth; its means Im back in with society again.
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So; I have to imagine Im talking to someone and they want me and Im attractive to them.. and they naturally want me.
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FLIRTING; This is the power…
And its been happening; Im starting to take the suggestions of the dating coaches and practice flirting; Im using their techniques for talking; for flirting and creating tension; Sexual tension; romantic tension.
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Im now officially practicing… I did this today… Im learning; its not that easy; not at first; I have allot to practice; However; its already having its effect. Im losing fear of women very quickly; Why? Because I desire it; Im desporate for it; to get better and out of the black well I crawled from...
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Im losing my fear of women because very quickly and suddenly I remember Used to talk to them and have success with them to a point; I was very young; but it did happen.
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and am practicing how to talk to them; lots of interactions; give n take; this Im interested in...
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lots of flirting practice; Suddenly I remember; Now; instead of looking at women with no confidence; I can simply sit by them and practice different forms of flirting and talking and interacting and practicing; and this has taken the edge off…
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FLIRTING AND CONVERSATION PRACTICE WITH WOMEN;
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This will be hard for awhile; Im not balanced at it; Some times I make it sound like Im picking on a girl; next; it sounds like Im practicing social on a girl. At other times Im acting… and this can be seen; And I am; all of the above and much more; if Im going to become good at flirting and charming and talking to women; and that is the goal here. This is what My whole perpuse concerning women Is turning to… This is where its headed…
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However; there is much much more to it…
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GRIEF>>>
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So; allot of the pain and problem is grief… Grief from a past I remember that will never show up ever again; its all in memories; and as I move forward all of those hopes n dreams die with that past life; Its like watching the Titanic in a movie; and realizing Im on that boat. I can see myself on the boat; all my hopes n dreams; and suddenly in a state of panic; I can see myself helpless and scared; Im going down the with boat; On one side of the scream are visual representations of my dreams and life n goals; On the other side is a video of me panicking as I go down with the ship; And as I watch the end come; I see myself drawn and slip away; never to return; and with it; all the dreams and goals of that past age; all vanish within the haze of reality…
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[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Aug 28, 2025 5:37 am

Ill have to get good at what Dan Bacon has created for men for dating…
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Im at this period where; under God; I go talk to people… This has to do with meaningful relationships; Dating; romance; girlfriend and so forth… This is an area of my life that was stuck or is stuck…
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Im learning; allot of the problem is about how I talk to people; So; I have to take responsibility for how I talk to people; how I talk to women concerning interaction; creating attraction and getting to know people; getting to know women and the tribe of women God is slowly bringing me into; into a world of women… And their it is…
Its uncomfortable; its not the way I wanted it; I wanted a wife when very young and I wanted independence; it never happened… Here I am now; I have allot to learn…
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This is an uncomfortable situation; Ill be talking to God all the time to get close to women in general in a social sense… It means Im back out into the real world again. Im timid and introverted. I have to learn how to trust again out in the real world. I must take all things to God before I do anything. The goal is to align with God first on all subjects. Each interest; I must talk to God and give way to God first…
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God has me learning that I must go out socially on a plan and learn how to be successful. I must learn how to become successful with women; learning how to talk to women in a way that creates a sense of tension and excitement. Interesting and charming; that is my goal….
God will help me… Amen
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Gain; Most important is this; Im at this place of getting a plan and going out among the people… This is not easy for me… not at all; it triggers all my dissociative disorder and defenses… However; what Im looking for is out in the middle of America.
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I have many skills to learn….
I need confidence… Ill work on all fronts for this goal to be a success…..
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Not of this is easy. But I am coming back to being a useful member of society at some level… Meaning; Sanity is returning for me a bit. Its not perfect…
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Im getting really triggered writing this!@
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Fear and a big big gap between where Im at and being conferrable around women again…
Im at this place…
Working with God;

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Aug 27, 2025 4:53 am

Confidence is what its about now; aligned with the universe in the real world… That means I accept the real world as is because thats where Ill be working on things; In this case; its with women and relationship; and dating and romance and….. And so on; girlfriends….. and……… Thats the goal….
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Support helping me with small steps of courage leading toward my main goal in the center of society…
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Getting help to cross over the line into new territory Ive never been; This is uncomfortable. When brought back to my starting place; I have new experiences from crossing the line; this creates confidence. Confidence is necessary for survival on earth; it helps me get what I want in life on all fronts..
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WHERE AM I AT NOW…
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Im grateful to get another chance in reality. My goals are in reality.
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How is my mind; my brain; disabled; I have many many problems. However; I have a good attitude… and enthusiasm.
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I don’t know what the end outcome will be like… I have goals and I write stories and imagine what the end result will be as if Im already living it. The goal is to believe first then Ill see it!
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A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be; but Im fairly strait inline with the outside world. Now; I learn how to go down a strait line; meeting the new people I need to meet that lead me to the people Im interested in talking with and spending time with….
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Non of this is easy and I don’t know what the outcomes will be…
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My mind is very schizoid. Im very dissociative and AVPD… and agoraphobic… Depressive…
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Also; a smashed in personality; weak’nd; I seem to have fairly positive hope concerning what Im doing.
Ill be first going through the Gap that connects me back to society in general; at a stronger deeper level… And once this tether line is strengthened; Ill be meeting new people face to face; to start with.
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I met someone tonight at a meeting; face to face; handshake to handshake; it freaked me out to be up so close to someone. I could hardly take it; PTSD and AVPD; I wanted to avoid; I had no strength to be up in someones face; face to face… However; I did manage to do it…
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So; Im learning once again how to live in reality and with Gods help; go after my goals. Amen.
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So;

Sobering up

Went to a meeting; talked about social anxiety

Social; Flirting with women; Officially has began

Ill have to get good

Confidence is what its about now

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