OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 14, 2025 3:12 am

I have one specific goal; and that is relationships… romantic and intimate…
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So; where am I in all of this.
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Im very much like a 14 year old….
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I have no past; no resentments; and Im learning how slowly not to have any expectations; However; Im still broken and weak and needy… This is not fixed yet… Im in continual work on this; day to day; on this! Recovery work on this; day to day!
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The point is; Im legitimately new… I don’t have a past concerning relationships… Im like a teenager who doesn’t have experience….
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And now; I work with God; Heres the deal; God comes first… I listen to God and go with God; with what Gods direction; pathway…
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Thier is a pathway.. its simple but hard; I go down the pathway… And thats all that Im doing… Im preparing myself for this; Ill have to work down this pathway and learn… The goal is to get to a place I imagine of having confidence.
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Wouldnt it be nice. I mean; I dream about what I want. Ive got some new ideas of what type of person I want a relationship with; Im interested in going to a higher level in general just because I say so; working with God. We will see.
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Wouldnt it be nice.
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Its simple right now; its about confidence. And its bout being in the real world rebuilding confidence in this area…
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Its bout being 14 inside; Its bout branching out ward socially; with exploration and confidence...learning confidence; how to get confidence; well; building confidence.. how to talk to people again and be fully here now; responsible here now for what I want; where no one owes me anything; this can happen because Ive received enough love at the core level; its like being filled up enough that I can take chances I could not take before…
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So; its a long line; Pathway I walk… and I learn on this pathway; and keep my mind open and learn.
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I have massive amount to learn on how to approach and talk to people and new people; My goal is to become an expert with it and to be popular and attractive person and popular. This is from God. God is sending me in this direction of being masterful with social skills to a point I can handle myself with other people and I can talk to others and make relationships and from that; I meet new women and they know women; and at a point of popularity and the universe is creating empowerment within me; I start naturally dating and from their I start meeting real girlfriend material and from that much more serious long term relationships.
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Right now; its about dissociative disorder; Im shut down and shut off; However; slowly Im coming 2. Im starting to slowly work on it and seeing results; slow and steady… Im not driving the bus; God is…
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So; where am I; Im working with a sponsor for one thing; solid confidence concerning social and relationship building.. Chance taking socially… becoming popular. Meeting new people. Becoming good at social and become good at the skills of creating relationships with others in a form of success…
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I have my own views of what I want in the forms of relationships; I want to be fully immersed in relationship abilities and practice.
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I can see it.
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I have to work with God and get everything else out of my Mind!
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by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 13, 2025 12:42 pm

The biggest concern at this point is for a girlfriend. Ive never had one….
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I literally have never had one; A nice girl who lived up the street that was my friend; that I really liked and trusted and felt safe with; a girl I had a crush on and became my girlfriend and I developed with into a relationship; No Such Thing; Never; Nothing…
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For me its kind of a personal insult to me as a person.. Im more then a decent person…
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The problem is; Who is safe to interact with… I don’t know… and from there… creating a attraction with someone that is not attracted to me? What is the point… This suck; having to go out and try to create attraction with people who are strangers who don’t even care; over n over n over.
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However; Is the Universe; Is Jesus telling me any different; No!
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I will do what my Master Tells me; God/ Universe is telling me. I go out there and work with the women that are out there…
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The idea is; after asking 100 women out; someone will start showing up…
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Im scared of this part of things; its over whelming. I don’t like this part of things; but Jesus has let me know; This is the way of things under the universe; For this is how I develop and learn… And when Ive done enough of it; and gain enough experience; Then Ill will have learned.
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God wants me to remember; God is simply trying to get me out and about around women again; working with them; talking to them; interacting with them; asking them out; going out with them; Making out with them….. God is trying to get me past the “ Im 12 years old” mark! It hurts; its scary; so scary; But God is trying to grow me up in this area.
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This is a Teen Age Area time period, of my life that never happened for me when I was a teen…
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I also must work with God on making women my friends again… meaning; women I find attractive and capable that I hang with and just go do things with.
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I can feel it. I don’t like it; having to get close to women like this… I liked it but it triggers such abandonment issues in me.
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So; Im getting some answers. Gods not trying to get me a girlfriend right at this moment moment; hes trying to get me ready for a girlfriend… Trying to pull me out of isolation… and get me back in the main stream of things. I get it; I feel it. Lot of work here…
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Note; I woke up tonight thinking of this women from one of my meetings; I kind of liked her and wouldnt admit it.
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Im going to have to let this one go! Im going to have to let this one go and work with God and just become a better person or more confident developed person… And see where all of this leads me; its all leading under God; I can feel it…
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So far; Im totally confused… I feel to immature; I feel to immature for dating. I just want to be myself.
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I can kind of see the kind of person God is making me out to be; to become; its a person who can handle his own around women. I get it… I can feel it.
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Ill have to pray for Gods direction…
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I know a few women in the 12 step groups I go to; They are totally confusing and appear to only want attention. They are not really interested in me… It is very very confusing all of this.
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The key is to remember; God is on my side.. I have to remember this.
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What is strange; I see a pathway or a trail leading forward; its to become and expert with women; creating attraction with women; attracting women closer to me… Meaning; that guy in social situations that women trust to sit with or talk with or later flirt with; meaning; I kind of become a popular person with women. Where; I get this down…
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Im afraid most adult women scare me; They are so far advanced then me in relational maturity; Im so far behind… I don’t even fit in. I feel more like a child watching a movie of adults when they interact with each other and are preparing to get married.
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In the old days; in the movies; In the 1940’s; Men in women were in their middl...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 12, 2025 5:07 pm

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…
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Here Is my reality; I never really ever got started; 99% of the time I was talking as if I was 7 years old and watching TV all the time; and talking about what it would be like when I got older; what I thought of it. I didn’t even realize; I had never done it myself; never been close to being prepared to go down a road to grow up or grow toward the road that would start the process of practicing and alignment for future relationships. Mentally Ive been atleast 4 years of from even starting the process of development to become someone who would be ready to consider the work to become someone to be in a relationship…
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However; that has all changed.
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Im at this point of popularity and women interest. I would like to spend my time around a whole lot of women; hanging out; inviting over; going places; making out; and then later start dating them; getting ever more social and socially popular one might say; And then from that;
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“WOULDNT IT BE NICE”;
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Wouldnt it be nice _____________________________? Fill in the blank of who I would REALLY LIKE TO MEET. Let my imagination roam… Pick who I want and then never drop the standard; but instead work with God on getting on getting what I want; what I imagine; from the top; from the top of the Apple tree if thats what I want. And I will keep my standards and let God sort it out; Keep my standards; my frequency; if its a super high frequency; then keep that frequency; and don’t let it down no matter what.
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Im talking about reality tho; Im talking about dreaming about what I want. Let the universe bring it to me; get me to the right tribe of women; and of support teams and people…
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I want to open up into a social world of women where Im friends with the women race… and interacting with them again.
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I mean; seriously; Ive gone to 60,000 thousand 12 step meetings; If I can be trained to go to 12 step meetings; could I not be trained to hang out with women…
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For example; when I get up in the morning; instead of looking at porn as a diversion of boredom; How about I get enthusiasm about calling women and hanging out with them; or having a set plan to meet up with women in the morning and because I want to… I mean; I would rather be with women then look at porn. Id rather be enthusiastic about doing things with women and building myself socially then not.
I can be trained into it. And its all a good thing; hanging out with women; its all great and it builds my social abilities back.
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Id rather hang out with women then not; and certainly hang out with women then be in this apartment doing nothing…
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Well; I would be doing stuff.
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The point is; Im attempting to being this part of my life back under my feet; Im attempting to open up this social part of my life again; This ocean of women I can interact with and visit.
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And so Ill be working at it anyway. Im suggesting the ability to meet new women; all types of women; and have them as friends; and to be able to call them all the time and be close to them… have them close to me… be near me…
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Im talking about expanding my life. Developing into a new social life that would also develop my love life and romantic life; my dating life my social life; and finally my married life….
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I would like nothing better then the optimism of knowing I have numerous women I can call at any one time day or night to go have coffee or walk around the park or hang out… I would love nothing better then to bring women Back into my life!

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 11, 2025 10:30 pm

New story…
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In the meetings today. A women I know of; not very well; she is interesting and attractive. I have talked to her before. I maybe had someone interest in her; but that was short lived. Something wrong with her.
Every time I share; I can hear her tone of voice after Ive finished sharing; its like someone who is putting me down or doesn’t take me seriously… I didn’t get it at first; her strange aloof behavior around me. Now I don’t care.
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Im beginning to get it; She a weirdo… And Im ouda here…
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Ive began to get allot of anxiety from Anxiety Disorder… Why? Im growing and changing; Im wanting to break through the glass bubble I live in and come through the denationalization’l dome I live in; break on through to the other side. Well; its been happening; slowly pushing and moving forward going beyond my bounds… over n over; weakening the Denationalization. In addition; Ive been creating a new life outside the dome… I am a new plant that sprouted; a rutabaga ready to dance… and be about the shrub brush; moving from the shrub brush to the beach; catching a ride on a log across the channel to a new life…
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I just got a little closer; right up to the edge… And with the commitments Ill keep with my accountability people; ( I believe Im ready); Ill be making some small moving waves out from the beach; a few feet into the water; pushing on that bubble I live in; stretching that thing really far this time. Ill be doing some new things; things that require responsibility and stability and commitment. And it looks like Ive got a plan and Ive prayed about it and Im serious.
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The anxiety disorder; some forms of this come from PTSD; Long term CPTSD; and thus; Ill be re walking down the past ruins of a childs broken life… and through that; reliving that pain and terror and horror; and come out the other side. I really don’t want to face or feel the humiliation or degradation of my life again where I was under seige and without any control over my life from perpetrators.
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So; I have to keep to my pathways under God; Just keep to the plan and thoroughly learn how to build skills until Im good at them and complete at them; meaning; completing them thoroughly. I think this can happen; I just need to go very slowly through some of it. It triggers the most deepest of wounds… Its hard even talking about it.
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Back to the story;
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The women at the meetings; Something told me something was wrong with this person when I met them or talked to them for the first time. I had ignored the person for a year I think on purpose; I just saw now need or reason to associate with them…
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She is very attractive girl; but that doesn’t really mean anything…
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lately; around her and a bit in the past being around her; I do not like her; I don’t like what I hear and I don’t like the way she treats me; taking me for granted; I can hear it in her tone of voice; as if Im an object she is sizing up; and she is sizing up that object much much lower then what I actually am. Im almost getting the position that she sees me as disposable and weak.
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The problem is; Im not her object to be doing anything with! Thats the problem; Who cares what she thinks of me; Im ouda here. Meaning; Ill drop her as any contact immediately; and I did and I am.
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WHY IS ALL OF THIS IMPORTANT: WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT POINT;
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The importance of this action to drop this person from my roaster; is; Im worth more then to be treated this way by anyone; its a red flag to get out of there… say goodbye to this person even tho I hardly know them. I don’t know them at all.
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The way I jumped away from the person and don’t care; Like; its doesn’t matter at all; God will send me to a thousand other people who do respect me; I don’t even need to be under this persons umbrella. Its ridiculous.
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I don’t need to be part of anything like that from anyone…
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The important as...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 07, 2025 3:35 pm

So the first concept concerning my future with women is; TO Talk to them; Period.
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And the help it will take to talk to them… Their it is; And God how do I do this God; what do you want me to do here God; what direction God. How.
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So; I have to pray. I have to pray first and keep it up; to create bridges to the starting point of this; and how to get their… From where Im at now.
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And to have support for this; for the real world; Amen. Start creating stories of where Im at now… Amen

Im very much like a 14 year old….

The change wants to begin... is beginning...

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…

New story…

So the first concept concerning my future with women

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