September 2025
August 2025
The biggest concern at this point is for a girlfriend. Ive never had one….
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I literally have never had one; A nice girl who lived up the street that was my friend; that I really liked and trusted and felt safe with; a girl I had a crush on and became my girlfriend and I developed with into a relationship; No Such Thing; Never; Nothing…
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For me its kind of a personal insult to me as a person.. Im more then a decent person…
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The problem is; Who is safe to interact with… I don’t know… and from there… creating a attraction with someone that is not attracted to me? What is the point… This suck; having to go out and try to create attraction with people who are strangers who don’t even care; over n over n over.
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However; Is the Universe; Is Jesus telling me any different; No!
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I will do what my Master Tells me; God/ Universe is telling me. I go out there and work with the women that are out there…
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The idea is; after asking 100 women out; someone will start showing up…
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Im scared of this part of things; its over whelming. I don’t like this part of things; but Jesus has let me know; This is the way of things under the universe; For this is how I develop and learn… And when Ive done enough of it; and gain enough experience; Then Ill will have learned.
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God wants me to remember; God is simply trying to get me out and about around women again; working with them; talking to them; interacting with them; asking them out; going out with them; Making out with them….. God is trying to get me past the “ Im 12 years old” mark! It hurts; its scary; so scary; But God is trying to grow me up in this area.
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This is a Teen Age Area time period, of my life that never happened for me when I was a teen…
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I also must work with God on making women my friends again… meaning; women I find attractive and capable that I hang with and just go do things with.
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I can feel it. I don’t like it; having to get close to women like this… I liked it but it triggers such abandonment issues in me.
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So; Im getting some answers. Gods not trying to get me a girlfriend right at this moment moment; hes trying to get me ready for a girlfriend… Trying to pull me out of isolation… and get me back in the main stream of things. I get it; I feel it. Lot of work here…
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Note; I woke up tonight thinking of this women from one of my meetings; I kind of liked her and wouldnt admit it.
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Im going to have to let this one go! Im going to have to let this one go and work with God and just become a better person or more confident developed person… And see where all of this leads me; its all leading under God; I can feel it…
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So far; Im totally confused… I feel to immature; I feel to immature for dating. I just want to be myself.
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I can kind of see the kind of person God is making me out to be; to become; its a person who can handle his own around women. I get it… I can feel it.
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Ill have to pray for Gods direction…
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I know a few women in the 12 step groups I go to; They are totally confusing and appear to only want attention. They are not really interested in me… It is very very confusing all of this.
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The key is to remember; God is on my side.. I have to remember this.
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What is strange; I see a pathway or a trail leading forward; its to become and expert with women; creating attraction with women; attracting women closer to me… Meaning; that guy in social situations that women trust to sit with or talk with or later flirt with; meaning; I kind of become a popular person with women. Where; I get this down…
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Im afraid most adult women scare me; They are so far advanced then me in relational maturity; Im so far behind… I don’t even fit in. I feel more like a child watching a movie of adults when they interact with each other and are preparing to get married.
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In the old days; in the movies; In the 1940’s; Men in women were in their middle or even later early 20’s and show’d as young mature adults.
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So; when I watch these movies; I feel like;
I; just being myself; I feel more like an 8 year old who is watching young adults in their 20’s and 30’s act as mature adults…
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Im old man now; and Im not like this? Ive never been like this; Ive only been myself. I feel completely intimidated like Im completely ignored and walked through or over; like Im not even there. I don’t represent anything or any type of adult; I just represent me.
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I have nothing to compete with because; Im just myself.. But; being myself as attracted nothing; no one; Nothing! This is where I look up to God and say to God; “ What is going on here; where is my girlfriend?”.
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And So; God is taking me on a journey to become an expert as being charming with women and confident… A man among men with women… Someone women admire and see as attractive.
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IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE?
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It simply seems impossible to me; that these same women that have ignored me my whole life; who have had no interest in; are suddenly going to “ SEE ME”; see me for the first time; see my inner value; This does not make any sense to me; it seems fool-harted on my side of things. Suddenly for no reason; all of these women are going to suddenly drop everything and be interested in me. Are going to drop everything and be interested in me; that doesn’t make any sense…
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So; that is exactly the message Im getting from God; They will when I start interacting with them and changing…
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Im very much stuck right now… stuck behind a wall…
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Im myself and not good enough as I am… Im not even noticed; I have to change and become someone else to be noticed…
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Its hard for me to believe that I attract and keep a women based on being charming; but they have no value for me as a person… This just does not sound safe to me… I would never want anyone like this in my personal life…
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I want to feel safe!!!!
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I don’t want 2 faced people around me. Or; people I cant trust…
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It seems to me like I live in a Nation of nothing but corrupt people.
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Im right in the beginning of this… This thing of becoming… This thing of becoming with women… And Im literally starting out way way way behind the pack… I mean; I literally am going to have to believe it first before I see it…
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And so…
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NOTE: I have seen it with women of a lower constitute then what Im looking for. However; the women Im looking at or looking for; Im not even around them. I feel like those women are looking for men with houses and large bank accounts… 500 Grand and on up saved in the bank… Im sorry; Im so very sorry; I don’t have this… So I feel so left behind all the time… Not good enough…
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I just kind of wanted decent people around me or to be someone in a group of people so I would be noticed.
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I realized later; I should be noticed in a group of people as is; simply because of my worth; but Im not around any decent group of people that need to value someone like me.
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Its more like; Im around people that envy or hate people like me; or they are astonished that I would ever expect them to see any value in me.
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Its more like society is my enemy…. The people in society are my enemy; what I stand for; what they stand for; it seems we are on complete opposites. What I stand for; they literally are my enemies…
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And yet; The women in this society; Im expecting them to cherish and value me. They don’t even see me…
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The ones that do ever see me are way way way below my interest levels… I mean; way way way below…
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However; when Ive taken interest in women that appear to be equal with me… Meaning; I can appreciate in them what I see and hear; Im literally used or laughed off the table… Im made to feel like “ You must be kidding”! “ Who do you think you are”!
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What God is telling me; “ Omnicell; You will have to wade through these women and learn to intertwine between these women until you find the ones your looking for”! This from God…
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Ill have to grow up and work with Women to kind my dates and my Wife….
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Its all scary for me. I need a support team; a group of women on my side… I need women on my side to help me through this; I mean; I need a group of people on my side through all of this…
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I AM OLD! So; that throws another twist of things in the mix…
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I can really get used by women by taking interest in them when they secretly have no interest in me because Im old….
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What age do I go out with… For A Man; its what ever age I attract legally speaking. For my age; probably middle 30’s and on up; Or at-least it used to be. Now; as I get older; I don’t know. That might be from a youthful perspective. And this is all from a Fear based perspective.
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However; Immediately; God; Universe is interrupting me; God is telling me; “ Omnicell; Stop Thinking so much”; Meaning; I am to stop thinking from my own Will and perspective as if Im God and my way is the truth; My will is the truth; it is NOT; God is the only one in command; and to know the Gods direction for me; I have to blindly take orders… And from that perspective; everything becomes hopeful again and in right alignment…
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So; This is a story about learning how to trust God as I go through that dark tunnel where Im blind and can see nothing as I walk along; I have to feel my way through using Gods eyes and hands out in front of me. God must lead me; I am helpless….
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My Worst Fear; I think a women likes me only to find out I was wrong; she never liked me; she had a boyfriend the whole time… Nothing freaks me out more then this… It seems like the devil in the mix every time I fear this happening; it has that feeling of; “ Who did I think I am”.
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I cant get my hopes up about people. I have to go back to God and let God take over and stay out of it.
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As for desperation; of-course Im desperate; for Gods sake Im a human being… I just want women in my life; the right ones… Im a decent person…
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However; What Im getting from God; “ Omnicell; Just follow what we tell you to do; follow us; Follow God and everything will be OK…. “.
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So; what Im getting from that… Gods will not mine. And I have to start with process under God; and under no one else and just flow with it under God; I will have to work my way up to a higher standard of being; of starting situations. I can see this.
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I simply have to be around higher level of people.
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If the right people are to show up; They need to show up; not me around them.
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Im unfortunately seeing what it looks like when I show up around them and they not me. I have to know they are from God… And that has been the biggest problem… I feel like Im getting inundated from Satan on all fronts.
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NOTE;
THE FANTASY:
I feel like at times when Im around a group of people; I feel like I have a shot at a girl; when in reality; I forget; everyone in the room is half my age going after or trying to get the attention of someone else their age and half my age; I end up taking interest in that girl only to find out it creeps them out because Im half their age; thats what I feel…
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ITS NOT FAIR;
The child in me never even got a chance to be around anyone his age ever growing up… So the child in me thats turned into the young teenager in me; Now; he wants a chance to meet women and grow up with them and have girlfriend and marry someone; a wife sent by God.
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However; I forget; Im 4 times his age now; I have a young man in an old mans body.. I forget how that looks to the outside world.
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How does that look; Well at the store this old guy inline looked at me and said; “ Excuse me sir”; As if he was being polite to his elderlies. It stunned me….
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The bottom line is; Ill have to learn to talk to women Im intimidated by. And who would they be; Women I would want to date or go home with because I find them attractive. I seem to have no self esteem for the women I actually want. So; I want them to come over and save me… Ill have to pray about this one…
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It seems no one cares bout me in this world; thats how it feels; whats the point… This leads to suicide. And Im not suggesting Im a nice person in an evil world. But; Ive been down this road before and it doesn’t lead to survival. I am right; I live in a world tht does not see me; as far as I can see; and this would lead to the conclusion; why would a decent person even stay here on this planet; what for… However; This way of thinking leads only to an early death; Does God not have a better plan for my survival?
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Through God; survival is possible….. So; GO with God…
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However; God has a different plan for me. And that is what im working on now. And Gods plan has worked so far in all fronts accept one; WOMEN….
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And so; I have to work with God on this…
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Its like this; I see the women I dream about; And then I see the ones that actually come up to me… And they are 2 different things.
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And; I see a group of attractive women who come up to me but it seems they just want my attention; they want to make sure they are working a room where others can see I am in a follower position with them; where I admire their beauty and thus give them status… But; they have no real interest in me; And that can be a real let down.
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The problem is; where are the real women God wants me around; a community of women I fit in with….
I feel like a loner walking around in a Foreign city. Im a Foreigner in my own lands and I don’t know what to do about it… I feel like Ive been pushed out of my own society or possibility for happiness in my own society or for any form of social acceptance…
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AND SO;
I work with God… I get it…
This is not fun… Ill have to interact and work with women in this society. I have to do this to “ get through” “ weed through”; the women in this society to get to the ones that I want to date…
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EXPERIENCE:
I think; God wants me out in about in the real city; the real world; Thus to prepare me for the realities of where I fit in with in society and How Im seen in society around women and by women and by everyone…
I mean; Allot of times; the more men I know and am friends with; the more social positioning I have in general; This helps attract women…
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Anyway… Im not getting out of the inner-active process with women. Its kind of like; I have to become popular with what ever tribe Im interested in within my society in order to date its women; I have to be spiritually emotionally and physically involved.
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Q; Knowing when a women of attraction is interested in me.. ????????? Or just seeking attention from those in a general group but has no real interest in me.
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So; It appears I get to relive my TEEN years all over again as if they were never lived. Well; they were never lived; But; what I get to do is go out as that adult teenager and go right back out here in the adult world and get friends and learn how to meet and date women; just as if I was in high school or college again.
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Collage; I was a destroyed person by this time. I met no one… had no interest in anything or anyone..
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Ive been a damaged person and really; I only want to be people who respect and appreciate people like me.
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I never attract the basic person in society; it seem all over their heads… to them; Im just a weakling.
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However; In Gods Kingdom; Spiritually speaking; God might hook me up with people that God wants me with that I don’t understand…
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Several times I see God hooking me up with women that I could have helped… And I have to learn to have courage and move forward with those women God wants me with.
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Gods never hooked me up with women that were normal and OK. Instead; they seemed like they are nice and normal women who had been damaged… And that was OK with me I guess. But it wasnt…
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it scared me…. I didn’t trust them….
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The key here is to go back and talk to God and trust God and work with God on this stuff… And stay out of the judgment…
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I have to work with God and trust God is bringing me the right people. ….
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Im so scared of thinking; God brought me this women; only to find out; I was being completely fooled by my own arrogance where I never had a chance with her in the first place. But still; I have to get out of there; go back to God and talk to God and talk to a support team.
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I feel like Im keeping myself from my own Good… But I wont know until I try. And Ive never had enough courage to try….
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Ive never had the courage to be with someone I actually liked.
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Ive talked to God about this and God has said; “ Omnicall; did you tell them how you felt?” And my answer is NO! So; God says; Then they owe you nothing.
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God has said; “ if they tell you no; move on!”. God was rejected on earth thousands of times; and he was a wonderful great guy; a nice person… And he was hated!
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I have to give a women a chance… I have to work on this…
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One thing that has to be remembered; Im always talking about Good looking women; These are women who attract allot of men; and Ive never gotten anywhere with them… Ive never been interested in them; and the reason; Their Behavior! Its been unethical and criminal like… no values; no decency; nothing; They wanted attention from whom ever they can get it from…
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They wanted attention from all the eligible young men in any group. And it is these women Im going after… The reason; Ive found something about them I like… Whats scary is.
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As for these attractive women; Ive just listened. Meaning; I didn’t look at anyone; I just listened to them talk and found them attractive… That scared me… Something inside me was attracted to them… And I didn’t appreciate it; Why couldn’t they just be plain girls that I wanted; why did I find the inside of a women attractive that was also attractive to men on the outside… Why!
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It has done me no good to attract beautiful women because they have no appreciation for just one man; They want all men that are the best of any group…
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However; even saying this; Im not seeing God say no to me concerning them… Im so very confused on what God wants here; is this my lust doing this or Gods will.
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If these women are suppose to be in my life; they will show up around me. Why arent they showing up around me….
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When will all of this insanity leave… Why is this so ######6 hard! Why is all of this so hard!
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However; God has told me; it was always this way in any group; the problem has been Television and talking to the wrong people.
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In reality; its all very competitive… But God has the right people for me; I just need to keep working with God until God can prove it to me! Because; all I see is blackness and darkness and emptiness. I see nothing… I see no one… I see an empty dark backyard at night… nothing. I do not see this fantasy girl; meaning women; that I want… I certainly see them in the day time; but they don’t belong to me!!! I mean; They don’t even see me!
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So; God has told me; I have to get out in the battle field and battle for them just like every other Knight; OK; Well; So be it!
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God has tried to make things clear to me; That God only has one system for having women in my life; I have to become a confident man. I have to show some forms of confidence that lead me or get me to the women Im interested in…
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To face the attractive women Im interested in; this will take me some balls; courage… its not free…
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My problem is; Im convinced Im wrong; Im convinced non of these girls out here; meaning women; non of them actually like a guy like me or like me or see me; And Ive never been convinced other wise…
If they did take some kind of interest in me; it was based on my looks when I was young; nothing more. I was not attracting anything of any other quality.
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Its a feeling of never being taken care of….
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Its hard to be a Knight when I don’t have a footage to stand on or to even get started on. It means; Im emotionally depleted exhausted from the start dealing with any of this… I don’t want to deal with this anymore…. It was never suppose to be this hard…
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Since when did it require one has to become a Knight to have a girl look in his direction… I remember when very young; all I had to do was be myself… No one expected anything else; the rest of this is simply insanity of what Im witnessing in today's world.
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Regardless; I follow God and Gods direction; And thus; If God says to become a fearless Knight in order to get a girl; So be it; If I want girlfriends; thats what ill have to do…
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The quality of the women is low! The women are of low quality; they have no values… Its hard to try and be interested in women that horrify me because of their lack of ethical ability. Meaning; women with little decency but their pretty to me; I guess… it just seems like I don’t have much to pic from… at all…
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I have to remember; Ive not been around allot of educated women; Im actually scared to death of them; of being more rejected by them for not having any job or finances…
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What Im really scared of; they will not appear attractive to me… Im not attractive to arrogant elitists in attitude. Or; I might be; but they never seem to see me; I mean nothing to them…
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NOTE:
COME BACK TO REALITY PLEASE; SAYS GOD>..
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God is in control and if I follow God I will gain the experience and skills I need to have a wife; And their it is.
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However; this will take courage I don’t have; Ill be facing vulnerabilities Ive never even thought of walking across or beyond.
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It never occurred to me to become a head wolf in a pack in order to fit into the pack… I never believed in it. But now; God is leading me; And telling me; I will have to at-least become a Knight! And thats the way it is….
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IF I want to attract a Maiden I have to become a Knight and that is the way of things; in 2025…. I truly cant stomach any of this… but that wont stop me I guess. Deep down inside; Im an introverted nerd….
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And that doesn’t mean anything to God for anything to stop; God is still making it clear; Im here to learn how to survive; and as for women; I have to become A Knight if I want a Maiden… And thats the way it is. And so; thats what Ill be in training for… God Help me!
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MUSIC; Im going through the similar situation with Music…
I am finding myself playing music in church; But there is a standard…
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And Ill have to learn some classical music; that means; note to note.. note for note; that is the work required. I don’t like it; I don’t like being under someones thumb; but thats the way it is; thats whats required.
The world does not revolve around me; I revolve around it…
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And I have to learn my lesson… If I want it; Ill have to pay for it; And that is the lesson Im so mad at and angry and enraged about…
But it is from God. God is leading me and its right with God. God is telling me whole heartedly; if I want to play classical music on the piano in front of others; I have to learn it first.
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Im the kind of guy that wants to fake play the piano; kind of like what little kids do; but I want to be worshiped for it; as if Im a real concert player. I want the accolades. But now I cant get them; me being a fake isnt working anymore; I have to actually learn some pieces or I cant play in front of others…
And so theirs a price now; What am I going to do; run; or become a real player; Im scared.
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Its very much like the requirements to have a girlfriend. I have to become a Knight if I want a Maiden.
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Its no different in the work world; Find something that makes money and get extremely good at it… One needs those skills… skills developed; And for me; none of any of this ever happened.
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For the Present.
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Im a boy from the 60’s; that was my time period; that is my identity; and I loved it more then anything in the world… but in the early 70’s I was destroyed… and that was the end of my personality and identity.
And with much work; here I am now.
Im legitimately back; starting over again…
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When I was a boy; I watched TV Shows.. but at that moment I would learn how to created my own time period and my own life; at that moment I would explore from TV shows to the real world; I was destroyed.
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And her I am now.
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The problem is; I came from a time period; but at some point I needed to go out and make my own time period; but that never happened and never will happen up to a point in time. Now Im back; and I can create my own time period; but
Allot of developmental drama disorder from years at the end of my childhood and in my adolescent years and teen years; all destroyed and a state of survival mode; I was in a traumatic state.. like being in a war…
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So; when Im trying to go from the TV shows to the real world; Ive got 6-7 years of destroyed development haggering me; switching my personality in n out; making it hard to know where Im at. All of this making it impossible to get started…
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Im missing some years and now; when I attempt to create my own time period and my own life; my mind flips back n forth from now to the past and back not knowing where its at. I flip through allot of time periods and don’t know where Im at…
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Going from the boy of the 60’s breaking through the middle ground of adolescence into creating now in a new life; This is haggering to me. But I get it. But I have to become some things in order to get some thing… Im working with God on this nightmare… Thats what Im working on… I get triggered with lots of PTSD and dissociation.. Im taking back n forth between allot of different areas…
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Im trying to find self in the present so I can do something… Something with my life…
Im trying to go from the innocence of childhood into a life of my own in the present. I have much turbulence and confusion.
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Im very confused and no one wanted to be my friend. Im so confused.
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I have the ability now; to live my life…
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Im now learning; Im learning how to trust God and move forward…
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Its all very confusing…
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I have to work through the confusion
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I pray for friends…
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I pray for a women that are my friend from God….. Who God has sent to my helper… The helper sent from God….
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So; here I am … Im trying to work on getting this figured out as I come back into my own life again… coming back into life….
Wish me Luck..
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