OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Sep 15, 2025 7:36 am

The goal
The goal continues to be!
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A Girlfriend…
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A Girlfriend of choice….
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This means; Ive got women I can go after as if; and they might be fun for a night ( and this is just speculation; its never happened)… Just contemplative. Im just expressing; I don’t know. I just guessing. Nothing has happened yet… Ive not asked someone to come over to my house to make out! Lets say… I just kind of think so.
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Here is the problem; Altho these women Im talking about are wonderful and terrific; They were never the girls I was thinking about originally…
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Working under God; Who Does God want me to be with!
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Q; Wouldn't it be nice! I ask this question; and what do I come up with! Certainly I come up with the nicest kindest prettiest women I can think of… Why? Its my fantasy; Im getting the right to imagine. And thats where Im going to go until I feel moved; when I feel like my imagination is sparked by someone or something I find.
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I think God wants me to go big; think big… What or whom do I really want; what really sparks me; who would I really want in my arms… what high frequency of person; what would they act like or look like; what would they be like…
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I think God wants me at a much higher level.. and so; I need to get used to that concept.. and learn to go after that with Gods help…..
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One way of starting is to pic someone I think is at a higher level… and go after that; imagine Im with her… talking to her; attracting her and standing up to her…
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This feels a very hard thing…
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However; its something to try for… Lots unknown results and outcomes and responses… I don’t know how Ill be treated; I don’t know… I feel like Ill be laughed at most of the time…. Will this stop me?
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Ill pray first… align first.
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I guess what Im trying to say; Its a time of a form or a kind a action. Im getting closer to action; Im running out of the need for philosophies. As I get stronger and with more confidence; Ill be heading out; meeting people… How ever this works… Thats where this is heading. Its about confidence and its about choice and its about practice and commitment with accountability with others; and I have those things. I didn’t say I wasnt sick to my stomach with fear and the unknown.
I wont say I don’t remember the past; I remember. I wasnt just rejected; I was simply never noticed even tho Im rich inside; no one cared… I wasnt even noticed…
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Even when I let my inside out; And others could see it; no one appreciated any of it. I literally meant nothing to everyone. No one valued me; Nothing. Zero…
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And this is the world Im going back out to… I had no place to rest my head….
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So; Ill be working with God and others; and cross my fingers hoping everything works out..
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Ill need support when I think Im getting somewhere with women.. and Im not…
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I figure Ill be going through allot of that; Ill have to trust God will get me to the right people.
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A pathway exists set up by God for this; I will have to listen to God on going down that pathway… finding that pathway… being willing to find it go down it…
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I am scared and have no ideas and no faith or hope… its scary.. to trust… Whats at the end of the road? Please help me God… please!
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At times I feel like Im chasing a dream in circles. Meaning Im getting know where…
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I think; I just wanted a family; to replace the one I never came from….
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Safety in numbers; family numbers…..
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I just wanted a family…..
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I just never believed….
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How do I turn around and believe… Thats what Im working with God on….
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Direction…
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I have to learn to believe…
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Im an old man… Its hard to believe…
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OK God; Ill give it one more try.
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Did I ever really try really ever while under God.
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Im always scared God will not bring me what I want; but what I have to settle for…
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So; I just stayed on my mountain bike and never got involved in anything with anyone… Noth...

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by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 14, 2025 8:17 pm

The Goal;
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Confidence in relationship development; Confidence in Activities…
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Im stronger; I have a base locked on top of a foundation; All of this built in recovery; nothing from the past; its all in the present; This means a new me was grown and sprouted in the Garden of Eden under God and I sprouted and Im growing and growing upward… growing up. Im more like a Teenager with child levels within him. This means; a Teenager; High school age; first year high school; Sophomore…
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The Teenager is free to develop… meaning; nothing from the past… This means the Teenager has a whole world in front of him to explore to develop the basics of relationships and activities… In addition; The child levels within the Teenager; The child levels trust the Teenager; and thus; they will not be neglected; they will also be filled in; they will not be neglected; they will be filled back in through experiences… and thus I become a more solid person… So; there it is; this is moving well…
So; Activities; I can see a future where; with more maturity; What bothers me now although a big project or big enough size project that seems; right now; over whelming; In addition; Im triggered from the past; as if Im back in the past as a little boy with no one there; Im alone and I will be destroyed…
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However; As my confidence builds; I can see; yes; a large project will seem overwhelming; but thats all it will mean; Ill do what I have to do like its a job but it wont mean anything to my worth; To my self worth…. Thats means; as I gain more maturity; This becomes a problem; a big problem for someone 12 years old in maturity; but not so bad for an adult man; Its still just as big a project; but being more mature; I don’t expect it to have be any smaller; Im just used to accepting the work involved and it doesn’t bother me… No pain; its been replaced with mature confidence… That is what Im looking forward 2. However; Ill still have to go through the Valley of Death… Ill have to walk with God and his Kingdom and his Army of Angels through the valley of death and re experience it and hold on and trust… until I make it to the other side… And this is not going to be fun; This is going to cause pain and grief… massive pain and grief….
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I am moving forward; God is creating me, the ability to gain confidence in different forms colors and clay types n formations… And this
is growing… Its growing on a foundation that is new…. So; I am growing; at some point in the future; Ill be much wiser; stronger and like myself as is.. It may already be happening.
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So; This is very difficult timer period of growth; its simply steady even growth back to functional in the present; However; the re tracing of horror Ill have to take and walk through; The grief and broken hardheartedness…
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As for Right Now; Just keep at things steady and let God build more concrete with in; to strengthen me.

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 14, 2025 12:16 pm

Women and Music
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Im very much like an Incel in many ways in my life; weather it be women or creating things or working at something; or just connecting at something.
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its certainly an uphill battle with women… it almost seems impossible; like Im at ground level and women are so far up in the sky; its impossible to even have relationships of any kind with them… its just impossible.
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What Ive been told by God is; Ill have to learn some skills and accept life the way it is; Im going to have to get involved; there’s no way around it… Get used to it if I want a girlfriend… Ill have to become a salesman and learn to sell myself; pitch myself; meaning; the way a salesman pitches a product. Ill have to get out there and sell myself; use my charm… meet people and suck it up… Ill just have to; not take it personally. Ill have to until I meet the right people that are looking for me…
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Example; I was at the big store the other day; and I said hello to many clerks. However; a young women; I randomly said hello to; She responded to me very very quickly; I mean; this was the kind of energy I had been looking for. So; don’t tell me it doesn’t exist; but I had to go look for it; find it. Much like a Minor is looking for gold in the mountains… They have to search for it… Im not getting out of the work. I just don’t like the connect part of it… I never seems like Im finding decent people. And Im maybe to afraid to find them; Im afraid of what I will find; Im not in anyone's league or Ill be rejected every-time…
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I have to try to believe; this is not what God had for me… That God has something Good for me… Someone out here. Ill have to work with God and keep believing… I had no idea it would be this hard… or scary…
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its actually scary; because I never get started… I get to scared off by what I see… Meaning the actions and attitudes and lack of character of others… its unbelievable. Shocking….
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Ill have to ask God to hook me into the right people… Learn to trust God…
I have to learn how to open up to women….
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MUSIC;
Its simple; but embarrassing… Its much like with women; Im lazy… Im not prepared for the real world…
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I was reading a piece of music the other day and today; I understand it completely; no problem; I understand the scale its in; no problem; I can read the sheet music no problem; but when it comes time to sit down at the piano; Their is a problem; Im not coordinated to play the notes Im reading on the page to the piano keys; And that speaks of pure laziness. Im having to plunk out every note…
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Its embarrassing; Im no better then a beginner. I might as well look like someone that has never played before or I just started taking piano lessons a month ago. Its very revealing about my bUl__SH_t!…
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Its all to much for me… really; I never wanted to work this hard for relationships with people; its almost like everything and everyone is to good for me! Like Im some kind of scum bag. After awhile it gets so tiring…
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However; have I ever really worked at it…
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I mean… or did I give up before I got started… Ive never really met the right kind people. Ive just never met them….
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So; Maybe if I work with God and accept my social plight and start working toward what I want. I do feel so lack… meaning; scarcity.
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Interacting with others is hard for me… Ive never been appreciated for who I am… it seems more like Ive been looked over… of no interest to anyone. So; where do I go to find my people… Or find the people that would find me interesting and I them…
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For; I have not been interested in those who have no interest in people like me. So; Ive been at odds with most of the world.
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Sure; when younger; I had plenty of women who were interested in physical things; but no one interest in me! Its as if I didn’t exist. No one was interested in ME; My personality; or me the person; Nothing; zero. This ...

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by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 14, 2025 3:12 am

I have one specific goal; and that is relationships… romantic and intimate…
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So; where am I in all of this.
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Im very much like a 14 year old….
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I have no past; no resentments; and Im learning how slowly not to have any expectations; However; Im still broken and weak and needy… This is not fixed yet… Im in continual work on this; day to day; on this! Recovery work on this; day to day!
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The point is; Im legitimately new… I don’t have a past concerning relationships… Im like a teenager who doesn’t have experience….
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And now; I work with God; Heres the deal; God comes first… I listen to God and go with God; with what Gods direction; pathway…
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Thier is a pathway.. its simple but hard; I go down the pathway… And thats all that Im doing… Im preparing myself for this; Ill have to work down this pathway and learn… The goal is to get to a place I imagine of having confidence.
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Wouldnt it be nice. I mean; I dream about what I want. Ive got some new ideas of what type of person I want a relationship with; Im interested in going to a higher level in general just because I say so; working with God. We will see.
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Wouldnt it be nice.
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Its simple right now; its about confidence. And its bout being in the real world rebuilding confidence in this area…
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Its bout being 14 inside; Its bout branching out ward socially; with exploration and confidence...learning confidence; how to get confidence; well; building confidence.. how to talk to people again and be fully here now; responsible here now for what I want; where no one owes me anything; this can happen because Ive received enough love at the core level; its like being filled up enough that I can take chances I could not take before…
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So; its a long line; Pathway I walk… and I learn on this pathway; and keep my mind open and learn.
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I have massive amount to learn on how to approach and talk to people and new people; My goal is to become an expert with it and to be popular and attractive person and popular. This is from God. God is sending me in this direction of being masterful with social skills to a point I can handle myself with other people and I can talk to others and make relationships and from that; I meet new women and they know women; and at a point of popularity and the universe is creating empowerment within me; I start naturally dating and from their I start meeting real girlfriend material and from that much more serious long term relationships.
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Right now; its about dissociative disorder; Im shut down and shut off; However; slowly Im coming 2. Im starting to slowly work on it and seeing results; slow and steady… Im not driving the bus; God is…
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So; where am I; Im working with a sponsor for one thing; solid confidence concerning social and relationship building.. Chance taking socially… becoming popular. Meeting new people. Becoming good at social and become good at the skills of creating relationships with others in a form of success…
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I have my own views of what I want in the forms of relationships; I want to be fully immersed in relationship abilities and practice.
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I can see it.
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I have to work with God and get everything else out of my Mind!
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by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 13, 2025 12:42 pm

The biggest concern at this point is for a girlfriend. Ive never had one….
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I literally have never had one; A nice girl who lived up the street that was my friend; that I really liked and trusted and felt safe with; a girl I had a crush on and became my girlfriend and I developed with into a relationship; No Such Thing; Never; Nothing…
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For me its kind of a personal insult to me as a person.. Im more then a decent person…
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The problem is; Who is safe to interact with… I don’t know… and from there… creating a attraction with someone that is not attracted to me? What is the point… This suck; having to go out and try to create attraction with people who are strangers who don’t even care; over n over n over.
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However; Is the Universe; Is Jesus telling me any different; No!
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I will do what my Master Tells me; God/ Universe is telling me. I go out there and work with the women that are out there…
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The idea is; after asking 100 women out; someone will start showing up…
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Im scared of this part of things; its over whelming. I don’t like this part of things; but Jesus has let me know; This is the way of things under the universe; For this is how I develop and learn… And when Ive done enough of it; and gain enough experience; Then Ill will have learned.
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God wants me to remember; God is simply trying to get me out and about around women again; working with them; talking to them; interacting with them; asking them out; going out with them; Making out with them….. God is trying to get me past the “ Im 12 years old” mark! It hurts; its scary; so scary; But God is trying to grow me up in this area.
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This is a Teen Age Area time period, of my life that never happened for me when I was a teen…
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I also must work with God on making women my friends again… meaning; women I find attractive and capable that I hang with and just go do things with.
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I can feel it. I don’t like it; having to get close to women like this… I liked it but it triggers such abandonment issues in me.
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So; Im getting some answers. Gods not trying to get me a girlfriend right at this moment moment; hes trying to get me ready for a girlfriend… Trying to pull me out of isolation… and get me back in the main stream of things. I get it; I feel it. Lot of work here…
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Note; I woke up tonight thinking of this women from one of my meetings; I kind of liked her and wouldnt admit it.
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Im going to have to let this one go! Im going to have to let this one go and work with God and just become a better person or more confident developed person… And see where all of this leads me; its all leading under God; I can feel it…
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So far; Im totally confused… I feel to immature; I feel to immature for dating. I just want to be myself.
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I can kind of see the kind of person God is making me out to be; to become; its a person who can handle his own around women. I get it… I can feel it.
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Ill have to pray for Gods direction…
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I know a few women in the 12 step groups I go to; They are totally confusing and appear to only want attention. They are not really interested in me… It is very very confusing all of this.
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The key is to remember; God is on my side.. I have to remember this.
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What is strange; I see a pathway or a trail leading forward; its to become and expert with women; creating attraction with women; attracting women closer to me… Meaning; that guy in social situations that women trust to sit with or talk with or later flirt with; meaning; I kind of become a popular person with women. Where; I get this down…
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Im afraid most adult women scare me; They are so far advanced then me in relational maturity; Im so far behind… I don’t even fit in. I feel more like a child watching a movie of adults when they interact with each other and are preparing to get married.
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In the old days; in the movies; In the 1940’s; Men in women were in their middl...

[ Continued ]

I feel like Im chasing a dream

Confidence in relationship development; Confidence in Activitie

Im very much like an Incel

Im very much like a 14 year old….

The change wants to begin... is beginning...

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