OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Feb 12, 2025 1:44 am

2/10/2025
.
.
At this point; the whole reason for me showing up in this place I live; the area; was to re develop and get my ability to create Art; get it back; get my identity back; get me back… Get my Art ability back; to be able to make Art; that has happened completely; I woke up the other day with the desire to do nothing more then go to the computer and look up Art history and start again… I had nothing blocking it.. I was like a little kid; and that has not left and its not going to; Ive got that part of self identity back..
.
NOTE; I have to learn to work with God and trust God; I have to learn to become humble enough not to have any expectations; I did this with music and Art by working with God. I wanted it back bad enough; I had to humble myself to God over n over until God was in control and thats what Im going to do with relationship concepts… I have to humble my self to God because I want them bad enough. And their it is; thats the beginning of the work…
.

One thing Im able to do; Im starting to turn to Art history study and dissecting and creating songs; its starting again. We will see but the deeper part of is not in the past; its now here! Im alive again….. Im here. Im still affected by the past but most of me lives here now; certain the music art part; However; God did this; Ive been working with God for a long long time on this… .and its finally here…
Strange wondrous things are happening for me; Magic has happened… is happening….
.
I was never right sized. Always going after people way out of my league; saying I didn’t know; I didn’t understand; but they made it clear after setting me up… And I never understood; I was just trying to survive… and so today I must go to God to understand how to; in the real world; I don’t know how!
.
IN THE PAST: I thought others should take me for what Im worth; no one did; well; thats not true; their was a group of kids that did; they wernt the richy rich kids… they were average kids; on the south side… Nice kids; It seems anything else beside that; I was never accepted by anyone. So; I will work with God on who is suppose to accept me… Ive never been accepted by they wealthy people… I was played and dumped by them…
I blame them but I had no right thinking that cheerleader girl up the street was suppose to have any interest in me; she did not; she could get 100% better then me according to her value system and her looks. If thats the case; what was I doing their in the first place and where was I suppose to be; who was I suppose to marry or be around…
.
.
I guess I have to become myself first; not expect others to help. I have to turn to God and find out who I am and who I am suppose to be and where I fit in… Im mad that Im having to do this all the time and don’t know who I am or where I fit in. I have to do the work… So; their it is. Thats what comes next… .
.
Here is the issues Im dealing with; some of the kid fun things I wanted to be when I grew up; Ill have to work with God on. Some things Im to old for… I guess. Im just now waking up… I have to get on my knees and work with God and focus on God; and their it is.
.
My Art ability; My college years; That time period that was gone; It re emerged. It is present in me now; it is alive and flowing and well… It is completely present. ( God has brought me back).
Now when I get up in the morning; My Art History Channels are the first thing I go to on you-tube; What am I saying; Enthusiasm. When I get up in the morning; Im excited and enthusiastic and excited right then; right at that moment; I have no resentments; Nothing that is stopping me; Nothing; Im terribly motivated powerfully interested in life when I wake up.
.
on this subject of Art; Artist; creator; Painter Artist; Art History; Its happening right now this moment; I love it; I love how it feels. And I feel like this at the split second moment I get up in...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Feb 03, 2025 6:43 am

Where am I at now Feb 1/ 2025
.
.
.
CONCERNING RELATIONSHIP AND WOMEN;
.
Ive now seen 2 women in front of me that I have somewhat interacted with that fit the bill; they fit the calling of what I was feeling and thinking on the inside. Are these women for real; or just fancy fantasy…
A very real chance they are simply guide posts on my way to bowing down correctly to Jesus; at the Jesus shrine… I must dig a deep deep hole; crawl into it and pray under Gods shrine; Im out in front of Gods shrine but Im in the whole with my face on the ground and hands out in front before God… and I stay that way and let the feeling of it feel; Just like a 5 year old in life… they are always looking upward to toward heaven and working with the sky and universe and God; always…
.
I am not suppose to believe anything about these women. I am suppose to report back to my superiors; my commanding officers; GOD… I am to learn to be faithful to God first; focusing and only seeing Gods shrine in my head with the idea of bowing down to it in ways that continue to allow my growth under God… that I may be below God and receive Gods messages for me on how to live and what course of action to take and down what God pathway. And I have to learn how to run play work love and live down that pathway; and thus; its Gods pathway so I must work with God; I am not alone or in the dark… Not while God is out in front of me… And God is out in front of me ALL DAY LONG; when im down a God pathway. Must keep facing and God and talking to God; do the best I can here.

.
.

NOTE; Humility is of the day; bowing down to my higher power about all things; Might-az-well; make a list; Everything I have no depth or development in; only ideas about things; Each idea has to be taken to my higher power and forged under ground. What does under the earth mean. It means the Shrine of God is in front of me and its tower is above me; I am below it; Better dig a deep whole the size for a coffin. Jump in; get on my knees before that shrine with head down to the dirt ground; on that messy ground… hands out in front with palms up if possible; and pray and wait in patience for my master to come. And that is all I am suppose to do; nothing more… My master Universe has gotten my message; Now I wait humbly until God surprises me with new manifestations and answers that show up in front of the shrine. I am in the back of the shrine. At some point after waiting patiently on God; with God; I sheepishly get up and walk walk beyond the shrine to see if anything has happened; and thus; a vat of energy appears; and I look and something is materializing; so I go back and wait… and then go back and look; and it has materialized and I slowly walk to it; take its hand and join it… it is mine now…
.
And I Hope SO. I have to let go after trusting God… This whole process to be able to do this is a process; and one I forgot about. Now; its awakening in me because of my extreme spoil’dness laziness ; My entitlement attitude; Expectations and unreasonableness. I can only dig down entrench with God; in front of God, in that whole I made to pray in that takes me lower then the shrine I pray at; thus making it clear; I am below God not above; for I am asking for help; and those who ask for help and need help; they do not enter the hallways of the kings chambers where the King is having a lavish part; one does not just walk up to the Kings table and sit down; When one is powerless and in need one goes to the corner and sits on the floor unassuming and waits to be invited to the table… This is out of all realty; humility and respect for the King… And when takes a lowly position; it creates a vacuum for those who care or notice; a vacuum in the universe that the universe wants to fill; thus someone will approach if its meant to be; and they will ask if I want to join the table to talk to the King. But in no other way may this occur…
....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 31, 2025 7:14 am

Where am I at now;
.
Relationships are what Im working with with God.
.
Im seeing the first glimpse of personality of the kind of women I want to meet. Im understanding how unusual it must be for God to set someone up for me. I don’t fit into anything; Introverted Art sensitive intellectual type…
.
Im starting to understand; God had no one for me when I was young.
.
I would have had to gone to him; to God first and to see what would happen or how; way way way amounts of work to find the right kind of person to attract them.
.
I saw that kind of personality that would fit mine; it was someone who was smart sensitive broken like me… sensitive; human…
I met her; I know of her; I don’t talk much to her; but I did for a second; and I saw it; I mean; at-least Ive met someone like me… same kind of match; That means Im getting close. \
.
Im understanding that Im not like other people; other people don’t want people like me; I don’t fit in with them.
.
When I was young; I had many women who took notice of me; but that was physical; no one hit in with my personality;
SO; it was useless and strange; I didn’t want to attract the wrong people; even if they were really good looking… that did not help me… it was like attracting strangers; thats all it was; nothing more….
.
I have to work with God on what I want.
.
I know this

The other day I did associate with someone with a personality like me; Like a match! Im not sure in the real world if that really was anymore then a fluke; it was God allowing me to see Im getting closer…
Im seeing it…
.
This is as close as Ive ever been.
Now that Im turning to God for help…
I mean; after being on course with God; the right things are showing up around me that are in unison with my inner being…
.
Ive noticed that many people and places and things that are not in unison with my inner being are being fleshed out… Im finding out very quickly…
.
So; Im learning to stay away from those people; they are more animal then human; and people like me do not sit well in their food chain. Im of little to know importance or value; nothing. And Ive got to learn that the hardway.
.
I realized at a meeting tonight just watching people; sitting next to people talking to some people; Im not everyone's cup a tea…
.
I may have to go through 100 people or maybe 500 people to find anything close to an appreciative match.
.
And that is up to God.
.
Ill keep working at it.
.
Its humbling when several people of the opposite sex around me have no interest; Im not talking about age. Assuming all are adults; Im not talking about age… Certainly age plays a huge factor in things in this day n age. However; Im speaking of personality type. I just don’t fit in…
.
I see many people not attracted to people like me; My inner personality. That fact; thats part of the deal; we have to match up in personality.
.
And I have an introverted sensitive personality type that does nothing for many people; They have no value to it or respect; Why? Because it shows signs of sensitivity and weakness…
.
Ive found many women not interested.. They don’t want that from a man… They want a guy that treats them However; but is big n strong.
.
My personality is not attractive to these people; it is not a match. SO; Im realizing what its like to sit in a room of people who are not interested no matter what I do I cant compete… And I have to work with God and accept this. And its hard. Its humbling…
.
So; I have to work with God to become matched up according to my personality.
.
And as Ive said; I did meet some people who are frequency matches; it can happen; personality type… However; as I mentioned; this just shows me God is showing me Im getting closer. I have to just keep working at things and see who shows up under God… but I am getting it…
.
My personality is not attractive to allot of people… So….

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 30, 2025 10:44 am

Next move up…
.
Relationships…
.
This is the next thing to work with God on….
.
This is where Im at….
.
I have to really back track…
.
Ive not been around people that treat me with any respect; nothing.
.
And now; I have to work with God on what this means and what to do about it…
.
Or I do nothing about it; I just work with God…
.
I work with God on it!
.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 30, 2025 1:12 am

At this point;
Happiness is my priority by getting beneath my higher power in front of my higher power; because I am not God; God is God and I worship God and I do what God tells me. I get in instructions from God on how to be happy.
The problem is; I didn’t follow through with those instructions. Instead; I stopped halfway through; and never followed through. Thats the real cause of my problems; Those Im experiencing right now in recovery.
So; Im learning to get in front of God; humble myself; Just like a 5 year old on his knees praying to God; and praying to Santa Claus for a new Train set at Christmas… If a 5 year old can believe with that kind of faith; SO can I!
So; Im back turning into the 5 year old again praying to Sunny Jesus for my Trainset; of what ever that means to me. Im back again…. Amen… Im learning…
.
Ill pray for everything…
.
My happiness is up to me; if I would just get on my knees and follow through with God; meaning; I surrender to God and allow God in on all things first… and always; and then let God bring to me what I need and I stay out of it; Its the horse first then the cart. And Im ever learning this always on n on!
.

Next step is to thoroughly work with God to over come specifics of the past; leading me to unconnect from it.
.
Im still living in denial and unreality concerning certain events of the past; I had expectations because I thought I was a big shot; I was not and never had a chance with some people; specific people. I did not check first to see if I had a chance with them; I assumed and this got me destroyed and devastated. In the end; I clearly was delusional; I was hanging around the wrong people, Whos fault was that.
.
NOTE: I had no family; no one wanted me; I was stripped completely of my physical past by that point was still a child… SO I was beyond desperation… What Do I do… I had no idea; what to do or where to go. Well; the places I ended up where not safe and I didn’t know that. And I was living in a place that was not safe; no one cared about me or wanted me; and no one cared about my future; nothing… I just did not understand or know what was happening; SO I reached out desperately to anyone anywhere. And I will pay for this horribly.

WHOS FAULT WAS IT I WAS HANGING AROUND THE WRONG PEOPLE: WHY COULDNT I JUST HANG OUT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
Would got not bless me and allow a good life with them; the right people?
.
Letting go of the wrong people is about EGO! And that specific ego is what Im working on…
.
.
PTSD;
CPTSD;
.
Im feeling it right now as I get a little better; feel a little safer in new surroundings in the present.
.
A major part of me is that little boy who used to play in the school yard; throw the ball and ride his bike.
But that world was cut short; all things were cut short… or cut off. I was no longer… I was no longer part of anything… Nothing…
I had nowhere; I had nothing…
.
I was thrown away and had no physical place to live with an address or neighborhood. The only person protecting me when young was This fake care giver… He did not care or give caring; that was my Father; but I really didn’t know who he was until it was 2 late. It was just another monster; thats all it was; nothing more. SO; there was never anyone looking out for me; ever…
.
So; I was completely cut off from a life. And here I am now!
.
SO; I relive the feelings of that time but have no house to go back to… Nothing. So; I must work with God on this continually and keep going… And Its working; my recovery.
.
I am slowly going from what I remember or the PTSD; from that to now; living in the now; in some forms of peace…
.
I have to keep working with God on things; on all of this….
.
So; Im going through that PTSD right now!
.
So; Im in a strange change over… From the Past to the present…
.
Ive made some in roads but Ive also been in the recovery proce...

[ Continued ]

I pray to GOD God delivers the goods…

Signs

Where am I at now

Relationships…

At this point; Happiness is my priority

Who is online