2/10/2025
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At this point; the whole reason for me showing up in this place I live; the area; was to re develop and get my ability to create Art; get it back; get my identity back; get me back… Get my Art ability back; to be able to make Art; that has happened completely; I woke up the other day with the desire to do nothing more then go to the computer and look up Art history and start again… I had nothing blocking it.. I was like a little kid; and that has not left and its not going to; Ive got that part of self identity back..
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NOTE; I have to learn to work with God and trust God; I have to learn to become humble enough not to have any expectations; I did this with music and Art by working with God. I wanted it back bad enough; I had to humble myself to God over n over until God was in control and thats what Im going to do with relationship concepts… I have to humble my self to God because I want them bad enough. And their it is; thats the beginning of the work…
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One thing Im able to do; Im starting to turn to Art history study and dissecting and creating songs; its starting again. We will see but the deeper part of is not in the past; its now here! Im alive again….. Im here. Im still affected by the past but most of me lives here now; certain the music art part; However; God did this; Ive been working with God for a long long time on this… .and its finally here…
Strange wondrous things are happening for me; Magic has happened… is happening….
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I was never right sized. Always going after people way out of my league; saying I didn’t know; I didn’t understand; but they made it clear after setting me up… And I never understood; I was just trying to survive… and so today I must go to God to understand how to; in the real world; I don’t know how!
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IN THE PAST: I thought others should take me for what Im worth; no one did; well; thats not true; their was a group of kids that did; they wernt the richy rich kids… they were average kids; on the south side… Nice kids; It seems anything else beside that; I was never accepted by anyone. So; I will work with God on who is suppose to accept me… Ive never been accepted by they wealthy people… I was played and dumped by them…
I blame them but I had no right thinking that cheerleader girl up the street was suppose to have any interest in me; she did not; she could get 100% better then me according to her value system and her looks. If thats the case; what was I doing their in the first place and where was I suppose to be; who was I suppose to marry or be around…
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I guess I have to become myself first; not expect others to help. I have to turn to God and find out who I am and who I am suppose to be and where I fit in… Im mad that Im having to do this all the time and don’t know who I am or where I fit in. I have to do the work… So; their it is. Thats what comes next… .
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Here is the issues Im dealing with; some of the kid fun things I wanted to be when I grew up; Ill have to work with God on. Some things Im to old for… I guess. Im just now waking up… I have to get on my knees and work with God and focus on God; and their it is.
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My Art ability; My college years; That time period that was gone; It re emerged. It is present in me now; it is alive and flowing and well… It is completely present. ( God has brought me back).
Now when I get up in the morning; My Art History Channels are the first thing I go to on you-tube; What am I saying; Enthusiasm. When I get up in the morning; Im excited and enthusiastic and excited right then; right at that moment; I have no resentments; Nothing that is stopping me; Nothing; Im terribly motivated powerfully interested in life when I wake up.
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on this subject of Art; Artist; creator; Painter Artist; Art History; Its happening right now this moment; I love it; I love how it feels. And I feel like this at the split second moment I get up in the morning; this has come back to me… brutally strongly….
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Im even looking up Art History first before I watch Porn. Porn is taking a back seat…
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PORN; I kind of look at Porn as a hiatus; something in-between when one is bored. My problem with dissociative disorder was not being able to interact…
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This desire to learn more about Art and Artists( painters); Fine Arts; Im taking over and immediate put on a Art History channel on You-tube and watch and learn. I could do this all day long; but I also want to do this the moment I get up in the morning; My first waking eye; and Im excited to do this think Ive been aligned with; its so me!
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Am I saying all of this correctly. I have complete purpose ( what makes me feel good); when I wake up in the morning; Im myself that I remember back when I was 5-6-7-8 year old… Atho at those ages Ill be completely thrown away and don’t realize it… as I get older from age 4; I know something is not right… it will get worse.
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However; am I making myself clear here; When I get up in the morning; its not just a Pacifier; all of this; its real. The real me is present again… the child me is present.
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Its more then present; its the part of inner child that is excited and exuberant; its the innocent part of me with complete interest in life and purpose… And when I get up in the morning; the first thing I do is head toward this Art area in the real world… theirs no gap between the moment I get up and my excitement to head toward this area… Im not thinking about anything else… Im not avoiding anything; Im just my true self doing what I naturally am called to take an interest in by God and theirs no blocks; nothing…
I could and will do this for the rest of my life… everyday…
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This has returned to me….
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I have three area I want to return; occupation; this means; what Im suppose to do with my time; and we can call that work ethic as well added on…
Relationships; This means; being able to be friends with someone; create a friendship; work with God to sustain it; working with God that its the right people and accept that; and learn how to be a friend…
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Relationships; Romantic relationship; This by far is my hardest area… This is where all the work must go and the starting over of things. Ive never been with anything close of the right people and for that reason; it was nothing but calamity. In order for me to be with the right people; I have to be completely aligned with God; I have to trust God will manifest what the desires Im sending God of what I want… And there it is; it hurts just saying it; the idea of trusting God with anything; and believing it will show up; their it is; that is exactly where the work is; and I have to work with God to see it. Im learning.
I HAVE TO WORK WITH GOD TO SEE IT. Its a pure WORK ETHIC thing! This is about the work I put in to get what I want; first I must see it in my mind before I will see it walking out in front of me….
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NOTE; Being with the right people is essential… God will have to take me on a journey Ill will learn from. This wont be easy I guess; more rejection I suppose… who I thought I was in the world never panned out… I can imagine a number of people killing themselves over it..
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So; The whole process of bowing down to God completely; asking for what I want and then waiting for it… However; I continue to work for it; pray and write stories as if I already have it…. And so on from a place as if Im inside it; that realm Im trying to create; and looking out onto the world.
Im working on this now and the damage goes back to my beginning life and the wasted 20’s and teen years. TO bad; is what it is!
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So; I have to start with God and learn to trust God in my imagination… When; in my imagination Im severed from a person; that means Im severed… I get what I think.
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NOTE: SO I think what I just wrote about being severed means; I cut myself off from others first and that is what will happen later; I think it first then it materializes…
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Ill have to do some work on who Im suppose to meet. I may be rejected over n over n over. Ill work with God on it…
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I still have the brokenness of mental illness problem do to trauma. And the gap within me stops me from ever going further; but thats not the truth right now…
Im breaking through all the time but it bi passing resentments…….
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Whats happening for me here; this is what Im doing here in this area; in the first place; to have this happen. And its happened.
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Its like; I have no other reason to be here in this area; Ive gotten myself back in this area….
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However; this is not the only area of functionality I wanted back or God wanted back for my life.
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God wanted me to work on resentments; resentment work; trauma work concerning money and relationships… This means money; and its means creating friends again; having girlfriends; and having a wife… In the right perspective for 2025 and beyond… So; those are the next areas…
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So; Money; the ability to make money; to believe I can make money; to have that gap where I don’t believe; to have that shored up; to have that no mans land middle area; to have that worked on….. faced through God; worked on with GOd where I grow… where I grow through it and re learn how to; or start out for the first time…. Their is the gap in my brain; in my mind; where I stopped growing when young; there is no development; I never started; I was cut off much younger then that.
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Relationships; never got started; I was young and innocent; child level; and cut off before that… So; now I work with God on this… This area….
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These 2 remaining areas.
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The Art area has opened up again. What do you love to do when you get up; I already know; Im already naturally doing it with energy; with a force; with intent… its something I love to do; God has made all of this possible… this is a gift from God… Im back; my purpose is back; My lifes direction; Im not suggesting my life doesn’t have numerous directions; but this was one I was living when very young...and now it is back… This truly is a miracle.
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And I mentioned; The reason Im in the geographic area Im in; was to obtain this elusive state I used to have as a child; thats why I was brought here.
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I see no reason to be here or stay here accept Ive got relational issues to work out; and the ability to be in reality and realistically see the ability to make money. When I mention this; well; because of my age and mental disorders; I might have to hold these work in my imagination and on paper writing stories about it first; break through their… Not in the real world… unless its something very small and simple I think. At first… I don’t know….
I know because Ive had success at other things at this point; all of that momentum will reflect back on me now…
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SO; Im not of here yet. But I can feel it; but not yet; certainly not yet until I get this relational stuff under control first… or learned first or for it to become reality so I can meet new people and start dating people or hanging out with people again… or what ever that means; God opening doors for me to be in places to meet the right people.
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So; 3 areas of importance.
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1. My life purpose and interest came back to me… This is the type of thing where one; once waking in the morning goes strait to the interest and development of their purpose; No resentments in the way; nothing; its just pure enthusiasm to participate in my area of purpose… Its all alignment under God. Its not something Im working toward or waiting upon God for; ITS HERE! Its Now; Its already arrived and Ive been changed now for a few days… its incredible…….
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2. Relationships; I have been able to create and sustain some crude forms of relationship/friendship now… Where Im giving compliments to the person; building their self worth up because I am their friend…
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SOLUTIONS;
When in doubt; What do I want; Pray! Pray to that which has power; and that is the universe; the universe will get the message…. Meaning; God will hear me…
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Next; once working with others for help and or private or groups as I have to or have done… For help!: At this point; Im now ready… So; Ive working with success based thinking materials for a bit of a time now; And now I will apply it to relationship interests; moving into a different more realistic level…
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So; at a meeting this morning; I talked about it; my goals. Fear and rejection are a problem; abandonment from my parents; my house hold neighborhood and my life; are a problem.
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However; Im now ready to start working with God on this issue of relationships. This mean a real bowing down a thousand miles away from Gods alter where I can just kind of start and slowly very slowly move inward toward God… slowly; very cautiously slowly accepting and working with trust… slowly slowly slowly.
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The goal is; God is driving the bus… The goal is to work with God; get close enough with God believing I wont be thrown away or ridiculed by God or given away or thrown out or rejected by God or hated by God; I have to know; I have to find out; Ill be going slow…. And once doing this… Ill start working with God… But first things first. The horse before the cart… Amen….
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I could say more but I wont… I earn each level first then I talk… Kind of thing…
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At this point; HOW BAD DO I WANT IT; and thats where I want to be; a state of desperation for what I want… I have a desire; but its filled with discouragement and doubt. But how bad do I want it. Am I willing to work with God anyway at this point in my recovery process; work with God on this subject? YES I AM… At this point; I AM. !
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So; Where do I start.
Ill meditate through guided meditations on Youtube…
Ill write stories as if Ive already gotten what I want and desired and Ill imagine Ive gotten those things and had them for awhile now; letting the universe think it should show up and fill in the gaps…
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So; Im turned into a hunter under God to go after the things I want… and I might as well study hunting… so I know!
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I gave up on hunting when young and the hunt and what I was hunting; What I was hunting was a discouragement; it was corrupt; I got tired of Government live stock created under the brainwashing of the system; it wasnt worth it.
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What good is it for a King to win a war when He gets nothing out of it; Whats the point of winning… whats the point of anything. I was not getting anything out of anything anymore; it wasnt worth it.
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I was hunting those things that I thought were nice n pure; in the end it was either Government issued or corrupt. I surely was defeated; They win; the Prey wins and the dictatorships behind its wicked growth; For I gave up; I simply gave up on the whole affair and walked away.
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BY the time I was a young teen I had been defeated so many times; I never bothered with this life again or anything in it; You couldn’t convince me anything or anyone was worth it; All things seemed corrupt to me. And I felt like I had a God that lead me to the slaughter; He was on the side of evil or on the side against me; It seemed God hated me just as much as everything else on this planet….
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Now; with many years of recovery… Things are different… Im working with God again… and Gods light shine bright to me. However; when it comes to my desires of the present; I must start a thousand miles back; start where I feel its safe ground. And Their Ill pray and begin the journey; and slowly creep up on God; slowly learning on my own to learn to trust; one step at a time… where I can stop and re track or retreat or stop or what ever I want… And slowly bonding with God and On these subjects; Ill take the next journey with God for what I want.
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In that journey will be many sub- journies that will help me grow and develop filling in the gaps; that gaps to a highway that when finished with a good foundation; will lead across the divide into the promised lands; Into the beginnings of being a hunter.
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How bad do I want it… What am I willing to do right now to make this happen; to make this a reality; my desires…
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I have several ideas.
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I have a book for information and I can read
I have online couches for success; I can watch their channels.
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I can write stories of what I want as if I already have it…
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Meditation and prayer…
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And I can draw what I want… Work with God on it… Keep working with the universe. Amen…
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SO; WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW:
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Here goes;
Im back to an authentic place; this is not bad; this is terrific; This means; Im authentic again and Im oK. Im safe enough right now.
Im back where I was at in high school and junior high; a lost completely detached alone person. I was connected to nothing; I had no family; nothing; I was a throw away who was devoid. I was not connected to anything or anyone or society; nothing; society did not exist; I was not part of it; or anything; nothing.
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The work Ive done under God; or re-finding God in the 12 step groups; those groups represent a family system; that while their has helped me to get back to where I was actually at in high school. Meaning; Ive authentically come back to where I was at, at that age; And why would God do this for me. So; I can start over; be real again; myself; and I can see things clearly and know what kind of animal Im dealing with here; what my challenges are and obstacles…
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God has suddenly brought this back to me…
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12 step groups
Suddenly Im seeing my end to them; they were put in my life for me to wake up to where I went to sleep from mental illness. And they have done that.
I am literally back to where I was at in junior high, high school; this would be a place escaping sexual abuse; after sexual abuse; the escape. I will live in a house of strangers in a new city who did not care about me or what happened to me; I would have been in 9th grade; 14 years old. I will find out the hard-way; no one cares about me or is connected to me or cares what happens to me or; if they ever see me again; they don’t care; its like I was never born.
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One of the most important aspects of what is going on now. Im awake to what I was doing in College. Next; Im awake to what was happening in 9th grade.
My First Love; This was in 9th grade; off course; their was no First Love; their was actually no one there; meaning; no one that cared about me and no relationship with anyone; On my part; I was more of an observer of someone who I visited a few times up the street; this person had no knowledge of me really; I mean; I was a shadow hanging around a few times when I would go with her brother( a friend of my brothers); I would go with her brother and visit their house… She had no interest in me but she was polite.
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None of these type of people; This girl and her brother or family; These type of people wanted nothing to do with someone lost like me.. They wanted to be around society people; I was a lost throw away unseen; no one cared; they didn’t care either…. I mean; I didn’t exist to these type of people; nothing!
And Im starting to see it; see something important; I never had a chance with these people. I never had a chance with anyone while I was outside society; I never will. So; what I needed when younger; when teenager would have been help; I needed help; horrible large amounts of help; I was completely thrown away.
However; the point is; Im receiving the answer from the universe considering when I was young; Nothing would ever come about nor ever happened with any people… I was friends with no one that I thought I might be; I wasnt because they saw immediately that I was a throw away. They wanted nothing to do with me; they saw me as a loser. This; right from the beginning; I never saw this; they saw it right from the start. Now I understand; I never had a chance in the first place; Socially speaking…
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GOD IS OPENING ME UP AND SHOWING ME ALL THINGS: THE UNIVERSE IS OPENING ME UP SHOWING ME ALL THINGS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT...ABOUT BEING ON THE OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY>
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Where am I at right now.
Im on the outside of society.
Ive literally spent half my life in 12 step groups; This was Gods answer to stabilize me; so I could wake up to where I was at in junior high and high school; starting at age 14.
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Right Now Im at that place and literally at the end of the 12 step group career Ive been hiding in and developing in.
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Where am I at in society; NOWHERE… I have no development within society. I never did. I was a child when I was thrown away; I was a child when I was thrown away; I was a child when I was thrown away; I was a child when I was thrown away; I was a child when I was thrown away; I was a child when I was thrown away….
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I had ideas and hopes and dreams; Nothing ever came true… zero… it was all in my head. In the outside world their was no development into society; nothing… Im seeing it clearly now… very clearly; I can see the spirits helping me right now; those lost souls from the past that are gone that are trying to help me now while Im alive…. Thank you to all of you spirits; Thank you….
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Why is all of this so important.
This is a huge insight given to me by the Universe.
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This unfolds the plans of the universe within my life; where Im at right now; the universe was preparing me or getting back to a point of re entering society; For this to happen; I would have to know I was never in society; the closest I got was ages 4-9 when young; However; I got as far as TV shows and my backyard of my house. The house… I had ideas and plans. I was able to reach out in First Grade and make ( what appeared a friend); Alas he was not my friend and never respected me or wanted me or had any value for me; nothing; I was incorrect; He saw me as filth or trash or white trash; It never occurred to me; that I would be looked at like this… I will be much older before I realize this…
And the mother allowed me to come over to their house because she felt sorry for me because she saw me as a latchkey kid. I was the only one who didn’t know. I didn’t understand. They saw me as a loser on the outside of life. I was inferior to these people; I never knew. I know now; For that would not be the last time someone did this to me; treated me falsely where they were never really interested in me or they were never really my friends… This will not be the last time this happens; but I will not be aware of it while its happening; not until later. Later I will realize no one wanted me around; I didn’t know.
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Heres the deal; So; God is bringing me back to all things now; of where I was at then; starting at age 14. I get to literally now; START OVER…..
THE 12 STEP GROUPS ARE DEAD FOR ME NOW.
They have brought me back to the level of myself… Im now back at the beginning level in society; Im back; Im back as myself; However; Im right at the beginning level; I mean seriously low sidewalk level concrete level.
Im absolutely a Nowhere man. I don’t belong to any society; nothing in society; Ive literally been on the outside of it.
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The would that had some interest in me at time; really; no one; or no one to really talk about; their actually have only been a few women in 12 step groups; but they had me all wrong; didn’t know me; didn’t know I wasnt connected to society. And they were half sociopaths. They are married now with children and husbands… So; I had no real value to them; I was some strange opportunity to them for a moment and that was all; as soon as they realized I had problems; or I was on the outside of society completely; they had no more interest in me. They didn’t want any part of it.
I feel like some people must have thought I was more connected to society then appeared… When they realized I was messed up; suddenly; they wanted nothing to do with me; immediately. Because; they were opportunists looking for something for nothing. When they found out they would have to put out some work or actually care; they did not care; they suddenly backed off and I was ignored from then on and looked down upon as a nuisance or loser. I never connected to anyone… Nothing…
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NOTE: The problem was; I would connect with those opportunists; I went to them; they never came to me. I went to the wrong people innocently. I just didn’t know… I didn’t know it wouldnt work. I never ever saw how they saw me. I thought I had it going on. Maybe I did; to the right decent people; but not these people; they had much higher market value in society then I did; and they knew it; but I didn’t know I had no market value to them; I was a joke to these people… and they could get the much richer better people; better looking society people then I would ever appear at that age to be. I was the last one to know. I was around the wrong people.
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I know this women; She really seemed to think she had the eyes of many people; but she never really looked in the merrier to see how others saw her… it was not as favorable as she thought.
I am the same way but in a kind of innocent way; with decent people I would be valued as decent. But I was never really around decent people; I was around favored spoiled people I guess; They never came to me; I came to them presuming they were nice people. In the end that was a mistake. I actually had no idea who or what kind of people they were… I was innocent; thats what innocent people do… I was a nice person; I thought I had met nice people.
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Here I am now;
Im equal to society again; I guess the word would be a form of sanity to be out in society again; Im back….
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So; God has me at this place; back into society because I told God I wanted to find a wife; and a wife is out in society and wants someone who is part of society.
And from here; God trains me how to be a hunter and go after what I want like a Cave Man. This has nothing really to do with my desires; it has to do with the kind of person; who I have to become to deal with society; to work within it and survive in it as I go after what I want. I have to literally become strong enough and with the skills of a Cave Man Hunter to be able to withstand society; withstand its rigorous requirements.
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So; that is my direction under God. And Im starting… I start from a neutral place; where Im at right now. Its like say; IM AWAKE.
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NOTE: Im still mentally ill; I mean; my brain is still messed up; on disability; but Im awake…
The 12 step groups were to help me wake up; Ive done this requirement. The 12 step groups helped me to prepare for real society. And to make it through the 12 step group society; and Ive done that under Gods care… and sovereign state.
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Ill secretly not tell anyone this stuff; and continue to go to the 12 step groups and let God decide slowly as I make slow transitions back into society and at some unassuming point; Ill quietly slowly recede from those groups. Im right on the edge now. Im Done. Im officially done with them… .
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I may still be a part of them by choice; but theirs no reason. Well; Their still is a reason; but Ive gotten the major purpose for being at those meetings…
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All of this recovery work has brought me back to myself and the present. Going back into these meetings is like going back to a little old women; middle class women in a small room for therapy; At first the therapist was all I had; but at some point in the future; I get stronger and come back out into society and don’t need their help anymore… Im walking under my own legs as expected; and life has or is expanding.
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So; Ive just become on the outskirts of these minor societies; nitch socieites like churches or 12 step groups… Sub societies… Ive worked my way right to the edge of them under Gods care…
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The next steps are taking steps beyond them. That; I have not done yet…
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THE NEXT STEPS ARE TAKING STEPS BEYOND THOSE STEPS: AND I HAVE NOT DONE YET>…
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As for as I can tell; at this moment; all of this is for one thing; or one thing in my eyes; I assume; many things in Gods eyes. Im looking for a Wife; and I will find her in society where she will expect I have some kind of society within me. Being part of society is an attractive thing to the kind of Wife God wants for me.
I have to become what Im looking for. If I want a Wife in Society; I must be something in society; and God acclaims the first round of that to be a HUNTER; CAVE MAN STILE HUNTER; Going after what I want.. Going after my prey! What ever desire that might be; I must become that strong Cave Man Hunter. That is my first task to learn to survive out in society and the role I take to self actualize the processes for my desires… that is what I become to gain my desires. Also; it will look impressive to my future wife… She will see Im a strong man in society or dealing with society… And That partly is why God is heading me in this direction for help… This is how God is helping me. How God is training me up to survive…
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NOTE: SO; God wants me to continue to go to 12 step groups for a long time; maybe never leave them; for various reasons Ill stay but their primary purpose for me has been accomplished; Im back with God; Im basically hurt but over my resentments of the past; basically its true; I have an understanding of what was really going on; doesn’t mean I cant continue to do 12 step resentment work; in fact Ill be doing some today. However; my purpose has been understood now; and for those things I want to do in life; I go out from their into society and do them; or I have permission from God to do so.
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UPON LEAVING 12 STEP GROUPS; Im leaving emotionally; as Ive kind of grown out of the intense need for them; However; I am to go back in and act unassuming within 12 step groups for now. I am to work unassuming within the meetings; and just stick around the rooms as if nothing has happened. Kind of stay incognito; and just allow things to happen and slowly allow the exit interviews to begin… where I just kind of leave more n more as God directs my path outside the meetings… Amen…
Not easy… tho. I would like to just bolt; but Ill pray about it; I don’t think so; but there is this feeling of “ Ive outgrown the meetings”. Amen…
However; Im under Gods care and will work with God on this; amen! God has outgrown me from the meetings; I have goals outside the meetings… Its time to move on from them for my whole life nourishment.
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I am beat up from the street up being in them; Ive been stalked numerous times; had a run in by one of those kinds of people the other day; the police are the only to keep those kinds inline…
SO; its not all well in those places or safe; Doors are open for who ever wants to show up; and we hope they follow the rules; if not; Im on my own; no therapist in those places or institution looking after things.
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NOTE;
DESIRE:
So; I stopped beleiving in desire; all of them were taken from me and or the ones I went after were wrong.
I could say that I need God first; horse before the cart….
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What this means is direction; where does God want me to meet the right people and places and things… where does God want me…
Its under God; the best thing to do is get under or beneath the front of God; Get back of that God shrine and get on my knees and dig a big whole deeper then the shrine; and humble myself; flat faced on the ground with hands out in front of me and plead for what I want just like a 5 year old praying to Santa for his first train set… and their it is; pure faith….
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I lost all of it; to believe anymore.
I was never in safe surrounding… .
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Now; I have to work with God on it….
I pray to GOD God delivers the goods… And their it is; the relationship with the universe… So; its up to me to convince God… What will it take; how bad do I want something…
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Thats what I have to work on… the beginning strengthening of it… the stories to a point of believing… learning how to work with God on this stuff… So I can believe again.
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