OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 01, 2012 4:16 am

My mother and father did the unthinkable.. The thing that scares every little kid to death....

What would happen if you lived on a nice street in a nice little middle class town.... You were secure with a nice family, brothers, mother , father, friends, school... relatives... Your future was set...

Then the unthinkable...

Your mother and father split up... Your mother turns out to be a sociopath that does not know you... As soon as your father is gone... You are given the choice of direction... Who will you go with... You decide to go with your father has he loves you... he has kept the family together up to this point..

You are now living with your father in an apartment... You notice a few things... Your father is never around,,, you are not noticed anymore... There is little food... You notice that your interests are of no interest to your father.. YEt he has no problem bringing home 18 year old college girls and banging them in the shower... you get this strange sick feeling that only a child that is abandon can get. You realize your father is a predator.... He paid attention to you before because your mother was paying the bills... You never knew this... He was a sociopath....

You come back to live with your mother... She has a surprise for you... She is moving to the coast... She is not interested in you or your dreams or your future... You are through,, ,You are finished and you know it... Your whole life will vanish, along with your plans, your stability, your friends... everything... You know that this women that is in charge of things is not connected to you... You know she will let you die... She does not care about you... She wants to get rid of you...

My mother and father abandon me at the age of 9. I never really saw them again for any real reason... Meaning, I was from a past marriage. I did not exist anymore to these people. They moved on and found new people to marry... They left my self and my brothers behind... No one loved us or cared about us... I left my house and neighborhood and was never able to return...

I was forgotten as a person from that neighborhood... No one wanted to know me after I left... I was erased..

My mother acted as if she did not know me... I was a stranger... I was hated and treated like a second class citizen.... This means I was never liked when I was born... She was never present when I was a child... My father kept her in her place that she could not act out and cause trouble for the rest of the family,.... However, she was paying for everything... So he was no better.....

I was abandon... These people never treated me the same after the divorce... They acted like it was all a fairy tail they were having fun with... I was just and object or pawn to have fun with until I became to old to pick up... Once I was past 7 years old I was off no interest anymore...

My mother was a man hater and a sadist... by the time I was an adult... I was completely disabled psychologically... I am lucky to be alive... Thus is the result of forced interaction with sociopaths...

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Im at the point of dealing with this torture... Im at the point of dealing with the major abandonment issues.... This is good, However this is hard.... And many others abandon me as well.... No one were has they seem... I was alone...

My brothers and I were split off, I was at my grandmothers house.. my brothers else where.. everything was destroyed and it will never return ever.....
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The goal at this point is the attachment of memories. beginning.. It is incredibly hard.... In Gods time..

I would like to get to a point that I can get back to being productive in the arts... I will have to get past the main explosions of the past and the long term CPTSD>.......Is this possible.. I don't know...!

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All family members are gone now... or they are strangers... What a horrible let down......

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Aug 30, 2012 1:13 pm

Im beginning to talk about my mother and the explosion that destroyed me... She was the atom bomb creator and she is the one who lit the fuses to those bombs... She is a sociopath/sadistic... this is what sociopaths do... People are just inanimate ponds to these people... Sociopaths have contempt against anything human.. They consider humans weak.. sociopaths are not of the human race... or, they are of another form or breed of human...

My mother figure was smashed when she was very young... There was nothing left of her personality by the time she was 5.... She never knew this... Its creepy to talk to people like this as they think they are free and natural... They have been strengthened in this life.. They are simply stronger then others and better for it...

I talked to a women once who told me she loved her mother and her mother was her best friend. It was her mother that made her strong... This girl was a sociopath.. she had lost her kids to the state for the last time... She was going back to prison again!... Her mother had or allowed her to be raped every night for 10 years... The girl never understood that her mother was a sociopath that had turned her into a sociopath.. And its impossible to tell these people what they are...

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I talked at the meeting.. ITs very hard... Very strange.. as its another voice.. its the voice of a 9 year old disguised as an adult...

I told of my story of a vicious sociopath mother that left me in impossible situations; to much for a child. I had nowhere to run or hide... It is bombs like this that destroyed me... I was never ready, nor accepted this to happen... My mother turned into another person.. She was a man hater and a child destroyer... She hated kids...

Now Im a freaked out adult... My mind is gone.. or its so ruptured that I cant stay present... I am freaked out when I wake up to when I go to sleep.
My brain system has figured out a way to hold things together... However, my mind is not allowed in reality... It has no strength... It cannot take any reality.. It must see things from protective perspectives... It must.. I have seen and been through to much...

Im hoping to get better... Better to the point that I can stay away from troubled people that want to cause me harm... I love people that have been broken and need love... I don't like the predator; that is different..

most of the people around me serve a purpose of keeping me alive so that I am not alone.. However, from there perceptive, they think they are important movers and shakers in my life.. they are not.. They are around to keep from being lonely, nothing more...

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Im surprised Im not dead.. Life for me is a place of sadness and fear and rupture... yet, with Gods help I am staying afloat... My mind has seen to much and is in a constant state of shell shock.... my mind is very week and ruptured... The rest of my body carries my mind... My mind has seen to much and been through to much sorrow... It does not function anymore... I have to have other parts of the self carry my mind...

The world has not changed. It is still abusive , ruthless and ritualistic... Nothing has change... Now, I have to watch innocence in others destroyed and I cant do anything about it... This is why I have a relationship with God or I would have hanged from a rope along time ago.... Yet, I am more then my damaged mind at this point, so, I would not be hanging from a rope, as other strong points are carrying me... Parts of me are steadfast...

Im looking forward to the point that I am less lonely and can stay away from less desirable people...

And I continue to pray for the little girl that was given away to the state... She is actually a person of great quality born into the hands of monsters... The whole system is a monster.... Nothing is safe in this world....

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:47 am

I have to say good by to this small child that I adore.... At some-point her drug addict mother will give her away....

If you want to see real sociopaths at work... Hang out at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and watch an adorable little girl get tortured through neglect by her drug addict father... Then watch him sign the papers to give her way to the state... watch the drug addict mother pick another monster from the meetings to hang with that will freakout and stun/shock this little tiny helpless sensitive girl. Its very hard to watch a child slowly die... Im watching the behavior changes everyday... The screaming, the sadness, the confusion... the withdrawing... The rampant dashes back and fourth... This tiny little girl nows she is being destroyed and abandon... she knows she will be thrown away by the mother at some point...

The mother is an actress... At some-point she will sign the papers and give the baby to the state... This little girl is about 2 years old... She is a sensitive little girl... A sweet little girl.. A little girl that has no future.. .Only sorrow and misery and death a head for her... I predict she kills herself by the time she is 14.....

At 2 years old she has seen and been through as much as someone in combat..... being takn to the drug mans houses day after day after day for the fathers dope... Who knows how he treated her... With complete contempt as she is a sweet example of Gods work and Gods love shining through her...

I would adopt this little girl. I would.. I loved her the minute I saw her.. I want to put my arms around her and never ever let go... Ever... This wont be happening... not in the real world...

I take all of this to God and ask Why I was born... What is the point... To wake up to more if it.. more of the poverty that besets the world... I am to witness it, yet, I am not allowed to meander in it.. As I am still healing....

I must be like the sociopath and say good by to her.. Leaving her to doom and no chance at this life.. I have no trust God... I have to turn to God... As a man it is a very confusing time....

It will do me no good to have a life of leisure or pleasure... No such thing would bring happiness. If I knew the children of this world were safe and felt hope... That would bring peace to me... Until that time I will continue to mistrust this world and every moment of its lies...

I will pray for this little girl that I wanted to make my own... I will pray for her until God takes her memory from me...

I feel like I abandon her to her death....

I have prayed seamlessly fro months about this... Only to have God remind me of the reality of things... That the world is as it is.. And I am just a small cog in it...

I may watch a thing, I do not have the power to control a thing...

I hate God, I love God.. I have God like an iron lung..

I do not feel like escaping through death like before... I do not know what to do except to keep praying... Why am I here.....

God let me know today that I am to stay far far away from this situation... That the people involved are not safe.... I would do no good for me to entangle myself in it... I am useless ...... Powerless.

God is allowing me to know that I may learn many things from the world, yet, do not be apart of or I will parish... I simply observe and learn.. I am not allowed to cross the line into the jungle... As I have been there before and I never returned the last time.. God had to lift my dead destroyed body out of the horror and bring it back to life.... I know I cannot go back, even if a small child will be taken to that jungle and consumed. Even if I know of it and have to watch it...

I shall pray for this little girl until I forget.....

may this little girl forgive me... I saw her..

What is a mans worth?

what is a mans worth?

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:02 am

Lost

Developmental stage anxiety... Who is safe to work with.... I see a therapist once a month... Thats not enough to grow forward from age 6 through 14..... I will have to study how to work on more developmental aging...

Im needing to make the jump from inside person to outside self actualization person... This is a whole leap in itself..

People Im associating with will not help me with it... They are being a B@tch.... They know Im trying to move through them... They wont help connect or grow.... Where do I go...

Im tired of being deceived by people. I will keep praying and forgiving and moving forward..

An example of the above would be: I hip hop dance in the merrier, I like to make music... so,,
I create a DJ thing with my own music and play for a dance while Im singing my own electronics songs dancing to them; in front of the audience...

The developmental issues are killing me... I cant move, cant budge... The growth I need has to come from someone or somewhere else... Im needing connection with others that understand...

This change will be very immature in view... Im not looking forward to the truth of how I really am, really look and how feeble I will act.. It is coming about slowly... Im very very lonely right now... No one is with me or on my side on this, as most people don't know me well enough to understand what support is....

This is possible...... I need the connection with others... I have to reach out connect, and reach back.... Reached by a thousand hands... So many people have spit on me and shunned me.... Its crazy.... I have God.. ITs about my thoughts and how they change to hope... Hope comes from change in the real world, that comes from changing my behavior... Im not sure how to do that, or what direction to start in.... What step.... I will have to trust God and keep working through this...

Im not at the beginning yet, Im still on the other side of the wall... I have not been able to walk through the mirror into wonderland; not yet... That is an idea Im attempting to believe.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:34 am

I would ask that those who pray please help me. In my meetings is a beautiful little blond girl. she is 2 or 3. She is being tortured through neglect. Specifically from her father. He is a cruel man. I have witnessed his neglect towards her. It is a horrible form of torture. It is killing this little girl. She is exhausted from the fear and confusion of being thrown away. When she screams out one can hear the longing for attention that does not exist, the death throws of a soul so scared and innocent and all alone. The mother has shared that she dies as the child is dying every-time the child screams out for love. The mother hears what I have been hearing and does not know what to do. The father is ruthless in his approach of none movement towards this little girl. He is a sociopath, no question about it. He will not be changing. Its horrible not to save her.. to see her destroyed as a sacrifice of selfishness.

I love this little girl. I no nothing.. and I have no understanding of how to help. I pray and die when I think about her and that I a grown man can do nothing for her. I am nothing in the mothers eyes. I have no influence. I cant sleep at night when I hear this little girls voice whisper in my heart for someone to help her and save her and take care of her. Please pray for this little girl. I don't want her to live a life of pain as so many on this site understand. I don't want her to die...

I must let go and trust God. I pray that I can become closer to God. I am surrounded by unbelievable people. Its like the whole of this earth is populated by half sociopathic tribes.

If you can.. If you see it in your heart. Please pray for her...

Thanks..

Omnicell...

healing

Fear and acceptance...

love 2: what you will see whey you wake up!

The move forward

love

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