OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:18 pm

THe concept of using real feelings in the real world is Preposterous. obliterated from numerous concocted continues catastrophes, my mind was ruptured.. Any sane man would leave the world and not return, stay on the safe floatation raft; never enter the deep blue waters of indecision.. Unfortunately I am not one of those men... I am adventurous and I trust God.

The problem: My last attempt to integrate into society failed. I found the only options forced direction; a quit death.
I was surrounded by the enemy on all sides. As a boy it was unfortunate. It is unfortunate now!

It did happen to me...

I realized all corridors of escape left me bound up in shackles. I had to bow down to death.. I had to say good by... All that was left to me? the greater Universe, and the power above; the originator; I would be going to him shortly....

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity! Hmmm......

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Relationships:

As I wake up I take chances... I would like to describe what I have found. I will present this in chronological order:

1. They may smile at you from a socially expectable fair distance, and it may be consistent with the flow of time. However, do not get to close. The closer you get, the white teeth of bigotry and contempt began to turn... The teeth of this humanness tiger shark are oblique and serrated for sawing through flesh; The deeper flesh of my self worth, dignity and vision. Get to close, and this person of love and happiness turns into a partisan of superiority! Humiliating at best!,.

Thus, the end of the play, that which was not described in the beginning will kill me in the end...

Vanity will prevail at my expense. I will find Im always at the loss, and the other will gain from stealing my soul.

2. The sharks give resources as long as they are in control: it is a game for them!, a parlor trick... they are valueless people.

3. If I move forward, I move forward into! I move back into! I may attempt forward motion and fly above that I move into!

4. I wanted to be safe!, Im not sure such an attitude attributes itself to interaction.... any interaction is not safe. If I choose not to find heaven or look for its gates by way of self offing. or, If I choose not to hold up in an apartment room talking to myself in a merrier for company, or, if I choose to move beyond the xbox experience; I find myself moving outside. I move outward... What will I find. I will find death as I found before. I will find little safety for myself. I will discover God will sustain me... I will move back up the mark of Napoleons surrender. I will face the cold of the russian winters; on my own, with no retreat... These winters represent relationships I have no control over. they represent the realities of relations with others I have no control over. It is better to be accepting then right...

5. Rules of the outside world: the concept must be accepted. At times, it is better to be with others... it is desirable to be in intimate relationships...

A pirate ship moves inward through the locks of the canal, into the river heading inland through the jungle. Further it moves down the waterways. looking back, the river entrance is gone, directions must come from above... From God... I know of now safe way onto the land except that which I am not in control of.... I must surrender to the language of the surrounding jungles... I do not owe them.. I must understand; I must adapt. The jungle is alive like a computer is alive. It speaks like a computer, it lies like a computer...

I am involvement or I am lying.. One has no choice but to be involved in involvement. One must understand; there is no safe hiding and safe direction of involvement. One must be involved in involved..

I must take God with me....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Oct 28, 2012 8:09 pm

The dance went exceptionally well for several reasons....

The girl I was interested in is interested in me... .

Im finding that its not about perfection, its about acceptance of imperfection, thus the understanding of reality... If you want something, that something will be in reality... One does not need it to be perfect, one has to understand and accept that it wont be perfect or anything close.. It is what it is...

For example; Lets assume I want a perfect relationship that is always happy and smiling... Well, I will never be on a date with that attitude... Its sounds good on paper.. .However, I don't live on paper, I live in reality...,. The rules to reality are.: how bad do I want something in reality... If I want it bad enough, I bend to the rules in reality... As the life Im looking for is not in my head, it is in reality... Therefore, reality dictates certain rules...

1. I have no control of people, places, and things
2. I can change no one
3. Everything is completely imperfect and dysfunctional; do I still want a relationship based in reality? After knowing the rules of the game, its up me....

In a perfect relationship in my head: the girl is smiling and friendly and understanding and nice, and is so safe I can open up anything to her... She is always there for me and thinking about me.. She is at the highest levels of self actualization needs.. She never needs food, does not need to sleep. she never needs the basics.. They are always covered some how.... She is complete. All she thinks about is me and how she can please me. Therefore life is perfect..

In reality: She cries all the time, laughs all the time, fights with me, deals with her dysfunctions all the time, does not have time for me half the time... Is not nice, She is mean sometimes, insensitive some times, wont loss weight when I tell her... Wont respect me all the time... Has her own strangeness... Might have children: Im not the father... drug problems, people problems... all kinds of problems, doesn't have time for me...

She gets mad at me, misunderstands me, tries to little , tries to hard...

conclusion: reality dictates that if I want a girl friend; Im looking for one in the real world based on reality... So, its not about perfection, its about acceptance... This is a very important concept...

When I create a perfect world in my head, the only place it transfers to is a place for ideas; like paper. I then transfer to reality! As I transfer to reality, everything changes... The only thing that remains is the outer shell of a thing; everything else changes...

So the girl Im dreaming about will be nothing in reality like Im dreaming. How she acts, what she does, how she perceives is not up to me... I have no control over it.. Whether she likes me some of the time and not all the time is up to her, its out of my hands. If I want her bad enough, I bend to reality....

Its very important to have things in reality; life becomes a giant isolation tank if things are not in reality...

Im an introverted thinker, therefore, I have lived a closed in life for years... It has taken much work to get back into reality and appreciate it..
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Social situations:

Im in many social situation where people hate me or want to control me... They have deep hatred or fear or contempt: contempt and fear mixed together... nice combo.... Im still dealing with these people, they serve me well to allow me to brush up against them that it make me stronger... Its a despicable allotment of energy, However, it has its functions... and its working... People don't like the idea Im using them to get well..

Vibes:

The vibes are; Im not playing the game according to anyones rules, therefore I shall be in danger of ridicule, un-acceptance and banishment. Im not suppose to operate according to my own agenda... Im bypassing everyone and everything around me... Its making the locals...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Oct 26, 2012 1:09 am

Every-time I go to my therapist: Once a month, its as if ive lived a life time of new and rewarding information... I keep getting better, I keep getting stronger...

The PTSD Symptoms; those paths of over flowing traumas, are at times filled with other things.. Paths or PTSD nodes are being filled with past information, however, not of negative things, of everyday things that My alters would have experienced. I might relive watching Gilligan island on TV or star trek when it originally came out on Friday nights... That was 1967 for me. I might see my bike out on the side of Palouse st just laying there on Friday night... I might see myself at my best friends house sleeping over.. Its still very hard as these things trigger the forefront of an enormous storm that will kill my life, and almost kill me with permanence.

I see sleek quit open streams of consciousness from the other alters.. ITs very interesting when the mind calms down.. I relive 5 things at the same time from different time periods, all layered on top of each other.. Very interesting... PTSD is not always this quiet tho.... it takes about 50% of my brain on a constant basis these days... Thats better then the nightmare PTSD of the past.

SOCIAL:

Things are getting better, Im stronger... However, I have mass problems with confrontation... I have to learn to back away or get out of the situation as fast as possible.

Women: Im getting closer... Creeping up on the safety to talk to others.. Im scared, really scared that Im not accepted by others, Im afraid of what will happen if I try to get to close to others...Im afraid they will not accept me... I have to be strong enough and brave enough to approach people... This is getting better. Im starting at scratch from the beginning... Its important to have men on your side if things don't work out... men you can talk to...

People are cruel, manipulative and dangerous to my mental health....

I can not go back to my original family system.. God has let me know that no reason exists for such a trek... That family system and its subsidiaries are dead....

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:35 am

Im very close...
interaction has been occurring... Ive started conversations... several women talk to me... some run from me or avoid me then come up and say high to me that I know they are there...

Ive been afraid of women because I would get rejected because they don't see me the way I see me... I would find out the truth.... Im afraid of humiliation. Im afraid the people I thought liked me, never liked me.. They may be around me for other reasons and my self worth will be smashed in again.... Im not who I think I am to women.. Im scared to find out...

They are beautiful to men... a women's beauty takes me over... it drives me crazy... it makes it hard to approach them, as with such beauty they can take me or leave me... However, I know this isn't true... Yet, the truth is not the issue, my feelings are...

im getting less and less afraid... ive been saying hello to many of them and they are talking to me... Im learning small talk... Im just starting, I feel like Im three years old..

had a conversation: a small one with a women todAy.. it went OK.. I have to learn to be less pushy, a bit more transparent.... not so needy.... Its just conversation....

A women sat by me at a meeting... she felt safe doing so... I held my own, it was hard, the PTSD stuff goes off when ever Im close to someone...

I think the sadness is not about dysfunction with women: its letting go of the past, by dating in the present, it is a sign that the past is gone and wont come back..... Im in the middle of this passage.

The women from my past are gone.. and so is the opportunity and revenge for many things.. mainly the loss, the love I felt so deeply... all for nothing.. it hurts beyond my soul, it shatters the very basic concepts of my spirituality... Its as if I was murdered...

Yet, I am healing, and slowly moving forward again... I hope to God its not going to be like my past. Im so afraid of being destroyed again..... Im not good at picking people for friendships or relationships... Im trusting in GOd..

ITs all about letting go of the past and moving into the present.... This is a hard ruff fight right now... and others are not making it any easier by not understanding things...

Confusion : Yet, no confusion... I know exactly what needs to be done, I don't want to feel the grieving pain along with this trek.. I feel like a ghost from my past... Im beginning to understand that I am safer now from my past then when younger..

Safety is everything... Do not want to be torn apart again by falling for or associating with dangerous unsafe people..

I need to evaluate what I look for or what Im attracted to in a relationship... My last attempts at a younger age are sadistic... I ended up with sociopaths.... Sociopaths just like my mum...

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:44 am

Its a tricky deal: to heal and wake up, only to find its 30 to 40 years later... no family, no memories that make any sense... All memories were backwards, I was living in a fantasy bond that allowed me to see the outside world as a happy hope filled place. It was not. I had to reach out beyond the original family system at the time and connect with other human beings.. I assumed they were all good people that loved and cared about me. I thought I had found safety. I thought I was happy… How wrong could I have ever been. I meant nothing to know one, and no one remembers me or cares that I was a friend or that I was alive or that I was born,.,

I assumed the people I grew up with were good people; they were not.. my judgement of them were rendered useless when I failed to realize I had no real information to back up my claims that these people were my friends and cared about me, or that they were nice people. These people I associated with were bad people. They were the sociopathic Elite.. Some where in the middle. Human enough to pass with a smile; the rest of the character dowsed in hatred and contempt for the poor. I found myself with the privileged spoiled upper middle class.. Absolutely the wrong people to ever know or ever get near... They will murder anyone to keep there money.; money they lay claim to... They think of no one else but themselves... and they are trained that way from birth.. They are trained into privilege, yet they claim to be hard working and humble. Its a lie, someone gave them a safe place to study, and a good place to practice work skills. They only sort with there own kind.. They are murderers.. people have to die that these people live as they wish… Its privilege a good name that they be Elite.. Not my kind of people.

I am blaming these people for what they are.. However, what I find fascinating is my apparent inventory of these people. In the original novel I believed what I wanted to believe. I was off 100%... I am worth to much to ever be around or surround by this type of trash.... Im a decent honorable person... What a despicable discovery that I was not wanted. I was not murdered by friends that turned on me... I was never around friends in the first place. I was murdered by the enemies of God. Now, more memories are waking up from other parts of me that witnessed things that were not in favor of these peoples character. I look back now at these people and wonder how I could have ever associated with them. I must have been out of my mind.. I meant nothing to these people, and they were not able to understand people of depth and character as myself... They didn't have to! They never saw the real me and never cared if they did... Even in childhood something must have been wrong and I never knew it! They had no interest in really being a friend.. I always thought that child world was real.. It was not... God was real...

I am a miracle.. Unbelievable, I was sick as long as Mandela was in prison in Africa... more then 30 years...

Ive been sick all of my life... This healing is a blessed gift from God.. Many people do not heal like this... Many people are not willing to go as fare as I have or do the work when asked to do the work… or to stick it out for years and years and years….

I can see myself with an independent life once more, with no past... that is a big daddy to chew... it will take time to let go of all things past. The past is dead roots, nothing important to hang onto.... I put my life on those roots, assuming they were alive and green, to my shock, they were dead... the world I came from was not worth saving.... none of it, nor no one in it.. Most of the pain was from the great loss of relationships.. However, I know now it was a child protection fantasy bond that allowed me to think I was surrounded by people that loved and cared about me. They did not.. Not one of them...not one of them ever sa...

[ Continued ]

Trusting God!.. To enter:/ to leave

THe Dance and other things and people

Getting stronger by the month

Dating

healing with out the family of origins

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