OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 13, 2025 12:42 pm

The biggest concern at this point is for a girlfriend. Ive never had one….
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I literally have never had one; A nice girl who lived up the street that was my friend; that I really liked and trusted and felt safe with; a girl I had a crush on and became my girlfriend and I developed with into a relationship; No Such Thing; Never; Nothing…
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For me its kind of a personal insult to me as a person.. Im more then a decent person…
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The problem is; Who is safe to interact with… I don’t know… and from there… creating a attraction with someone that is not attracted to me? What is the point… This suck; having to go out and try to create attraction with people who are strangers who don’t even care; over n over n over.
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However; Is the Universe; Is Jesus telling me any different; No!
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I will do what my Master Tells me; God/ Universe is telling me. I go out there and work with the women that are out there…
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The idea is; after asking 100 women out; someone will start showing up…
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Im scared of this part of things; its over whelming. I don’t like this part of things; but Jesus has let me know; This is the way of things under the universe; For this is how I develop and learn… And when Ive done enough of it; and gain enough experience; Then Ill will have learned.
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God wants me to remember; God is simply trying to get me out and about around women again; working with them; talking to them; interacting with them; asking them out; going out with them; Making out with them….. God is trying to get me past the “ Im 12 years old” mark! It hurts; its scary; so scary; But God is trying to grow me up in this area.
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This is a Teen Age Area time period, of my life that never happened for me when I was a teen…
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I also must work with God on making women my friends again… meaning; women I find attractive and capable that I hang with and just go do things with.
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I can feel it. I don’t like it; having to get close to women like this… I liked it but it triggers such abandonment issues in me.
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So; Im getting some answers. Gods not trying to get me a girlfriend right at this moment moment; hes trying to get me ready for a girlfriend… Trying to pull me out of isolation… and get me back in the main stream of things. I get it; I feel it. Lot of work here…
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Note; I woke up tonight thinking of this women from one of my meetings; I kind of liked her and wouldnt admit it.
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Im going to have to let this one go! Im going to have to let this one go and work with God and just become a better person or more confident developed person… And see where all of this leads me; its all leading under God; I can feel it…
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So far; Im totally confused… I feel to immature; I feel to immature for dating. I just want to be myself.
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I can kind of see the kind of person God is making me out to be; to become; its a person who can handle his own around women. I get it… I can feel it.
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Ill have to pray for Gods direction…
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I know a few women in the 12 step groups I go to; They are totally confusing and appear to only want attention. They are not really interested in me… It is very very confusing all of this.
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The key is to remember; God is on my side.. I have to remember this.
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What is strange; I see a pathway or a trail leading forward; its to become and expert with women; creating attraction with women; attracting women closer to me… Meaning; that guy in social situations that women trust to sit with or talk with or later flirt with; meaning; I kind of become a popular person with women. Where; I get this down…
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Im afraid most adult women scare me; They are so far advanced then me in relational maturity; Im so far behind… I don’t even fit in. I feel more like a child watching a movie of adults when they interact with each other and are preparing to get married.
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In the old days; in the movies; In the 1940’s; Men in women were in their middl...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 12, 2025 5:07 pm

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…
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Here Is my reality; I never really ever got started; 99% of the time I was talking as if I was 7 years old and watching TV all the time; and talking about what it would be like when I got older; what I thought of it. I didn’t even realize; I had never done it myself; never been close to being prepared to go down a road to grow up or grow toward the road that would start the process of practicing and alignment for future relationships. Mentally Ive been atleast 4 years of from even starting the process of development to become someone who would be ready to consider the work to become someone to be in a relationship…
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However; that has all changed.
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Im at this point of popularity and women interest. I would like to spend my time around a whole lot of women; hanging out; inviting over; going places; making out; and then later start dating them; getting ever more social and socially popular one might say; And then from that;
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“WOULDNT IT BE NICE”;
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Wouldnt it be nice _____________________________? Fill in the blank of who I would REALLY LIKE TO MEET. Let my imagination roam… Pick who I want and then never drop the standard; but instead work with God on getting on getting what I want; what I imagine; from the top; from the top of the Apple tree if thats what I want. And I will keep my standards and let God sort it out; Keep my standards; my frequency; if its a super high frequency; then keep that frequency; and don’t let it down no matter what.
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Im talking about reality tho; Im talking about dreaming about what I want. Let the universe bring it to me; get me to the right tribe of women; and of support teams and people…
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I want to open up into a social world of women where Im friends with the women race… and interacting with them again.
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I mean; seriously; Ive gone to 60,000 thousand 12 step meetings; If I can be trained to go to 12 step meetings; could I not be trained to hang out with women…
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For example; when I get up in the morning; instead of looking at porn as a diversion of boredom; How about I get enthusiasm about calling women and hanging out with them; or having a set plan to meet up with women in the morning and because I want to… I mean; I would rather be with women then look at porn. Id rather be enthusiastic about doing things with women and building myself socially then not.
I can be trained into it. And its all a good thing; hanging out with women; its all great and it builds my social abilities back.
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Id rather hang out with women then not; and certainly hang out with women then be in this apartment doing nothing…
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Well; I would be doing stuff.
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The point is; Im attempting to being this part of my life back under my feet; Im attempting to open up this social part of my life again; This ocean of women I can interact with and visit.
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And so Ill be working at it anyway. Im suggesting the ability to meet new women; all types of women; and have them as friends; and to be able to call them all the time and be close to them… have them close to me… be near me…
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Im talking about expanding my life. Developing into a new social life that would also develop my love life and romantic life; my dating life my social life; and finally my married life….
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I would like nothing better then the optimism of knowing I have numerous women I can call at any one time day or night to go have coffee or walk around the park or hang out… I would love nothing better then to bring women Back into my life!

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 11, 2025 10:30 pm

New story…
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In the meetings today. A women I know of; not very well; she is interesting and attractive. I have talked to her before. I maybe had someone interest in her; but that was short lived. Something wrong with her.
Every time I share; I can hear her tone of voice after Ive finished sharing; its like someone who is putting me down or doesn’t take me seriously… I didn’t get it at first; her strange aloof behavior around me. Now I don’t care.
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Im beginning to get it; She a weirdo… And Im ouda here…
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Ive began to get allot of anxiety from Anxiety Disorder… Why? Im growing and changing; Im wanting to break through the glass bubble I live in and come through the denationalization’l dome I live in; break on through to the other side. Well; its been happening; slowly pushing and moving forward going beyond my bounds… over n over; weakening the Denationalization. In addition; Ive been creating a new life outside the dome… I am a new plant that sprouted; a rutabaga ready to dance… and be about the shrub brush; moving from the shrub brush to the beach; catching a ride on a log across the channel to a new life…
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I just got a little closer; right up to the edge… And with the commitments Ill keep with my accountability people; ( I believe Im ready); Ill be making some small moving waves out from the beach; a few feet into the water; pushing on that bubble I live in; stretching that thing really far this time. Ill be doing some new things; things that require responsibility and stability and commitment. And it looks like Ive got a plan and Ive prayed about it and Im serious.
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The anxiety disorder; some forms of this come from PTSD; Long term CPTSD; and thus; Ill be re walking down the past ruins of a childs broken life… and through that; reliving that pain and terror and horror; and come out the other side. I really don’t want to face or feel the humiliation or degradation of my life again where I was under seige and without any control over my life from perpetrators.
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So; I have to keep to my pathways under God; Just keep to the plan and thoroughly learn how to build skills until Im good at them and complete at them; meaning; completing them thoroughly. I think this can happen; I just need to go very slowly through some of it. It triggers the most deepest of wounds… Its hard even talking about it.
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Back to the story;
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The women at the meetings; Something told me something was wrong with this person when I met them or talked to them for the first time. I had ignored the person for a year I think on purpose; I just saw now need or reason to associate with them…
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She is very attractive girl; but that doesn’t really mean anything…
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lately; around her and a bit in the past being around her; I do not like her; I don’t like what I hear and I don’t like the way she treats me; taking me for granted; I can hear it in her tone of voice; as if Im an object she is sizing up; and she is sizing up that object much much lower then what I actually am. Im almost getting the position that she sees me as disposable and weak.
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The problem is; Im not her object to be doing anything with! Thats the problem; Who cares what she thinks of me; Im ouda here. Meaning; Ill drop her as any contact immediately; and I did and I am.
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WHY IS ALL OF THIS IMPORTANT: WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT POINT;
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The importance of this action to drop this person from my roaster; is; Im worth more then to be treated this way by anyone; its a red flag to get out of there… say goodbye to this person even tho I hardly know them. I don’t know them at all.
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The way I jumped away from the person and don’t care; Like; its doesn’t matter at all; God will send me to a thousand other people who do respect me; I don’t even need to be under this persons umbrella. Its ridiculous.
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I don’t need to be part of anything like that from anyone…
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The important as...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 07, 2025 3:35 pm

So the first concept concerning my future with women is; TO Talk to them; Period.
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And the help it will take to talk to them… Their it is; And God how do I do this God; what do you want me to do here God; what direction God. How.
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So; I have to pray. I have to pray first and keep it up; to create bridges to the starting point of this; and how to get their… From where Im at now.
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And to have support for this; for the real world; Amen. Start creating stories of where Im at now… Amen

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 04, 2025 3:02 pm

What have I learned today;
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I may have learned all I needed to learn today to start with…
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So glad I have a sponsor…
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SO; I tried to kill myself when young on drugs and alcohol; but I woke up; I got drug psychosis; later became an alcoholic by drinking years after I stopped using drugs…
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And trying to escape kill myself in other ways…
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So; I wake up in high school; I wake up sober; and its like OK; Now what; I realize Ive become one of those troubled people; what do I do now; where do I go from here; what do I do; I got that pessimistic attitude about living and life; whats the point; what do I do now. SO; Im actually getting it in recovery; OK; what do I do now; Its like Im in the 10th grade; I get it; Im seeing myself attitude about life; I turned into one of those guys; who tries to kill himself in verious ways to get out of here; to deal with my troubles; Im still here; what do I do now.
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However; Im awake; Im sober; what do I do now! Its like Im in 10th grade; in High school; what do I do now!

The change wants to begin... is beginning...

The reality of relationships; girlfriends and marriage…

New story…

So the first concept concerning my future with women

Sobering up

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