OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Feb 03, 2025 6:43 am

Where am I at now Feb 1/ 2025
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CONCERNING RELATIONSHIP AND WOMEN;
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Ive now seen 2 women in front of me that I have somewhat interacted with that fit the bill; they fit the calling of what I was feeling and thinking on the inside. Are these women for real; or just fancy fantasy…
A very real chance they are simply guide posts on my way to bowing down correctly to Jesus; at the Jesus shrine… I must dig a deep deep hole; crawl into it and pray under Gods shrine; Im out in front of Gods shrine but Im in the whole with my face on the ground and hands out in front before God… and I stay that way and let the feeling of it feel; Just like a 5 year old in life… they are always looking upward to toward heaven and working with the sky and universe and God; always…
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I am not suppose to believe anything about these women. I am suppose to report back to my superiors; my commanding officers; GOD… I am to learn to be faithful to God first; focusing and only seeing Gods shrine in my head with the idea of bowing down to it in ways that continue to allow my growth under God… that I may be below God and receive Gods messages for me on how to live and what course of action to take and down what God pathway. And I have to learn how to run play work love and live down that pathway; and thus; its Gods pathway so I must work with God; I am not alone or in the dark… Not while God is out in front of me… And God is out in front of me ALL DAY LONG; when im down a God pathway. Must keep facing and God and talking to God; do the best I can here.

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NOTE; Humility is of the day; bowing down to my higher power about all things; Might-az-well; make a list; Everything I have no depth or development in; only ideas about things; Each idea has to be taken to my higher power and forged under ground. What does under the earth mean. It means the Shrine of God is in front of me and its tower is above me; I am below it; Better dig a deep whole the size for a coffin. Jump in; get on my knees before that shrine with head down to the dirt ground; on that messy ground… hands out in front with palms up if possible; and pray and wait in patience for my master to come. And that is all I am suppose to do; nothing more… My master Universe has gotten my message; Now I wait humbly until God surprises me with new manifestations and answers that show up in front of the shrine. I am in the back of the shrine. At some point after waiting patiently on God; with God; I sheepishly get up and walk walk beyond the shrine to see if anything has happened; and thus; a vat of energy appears; and I look and something is materializing; so I go back and wait… and then go back and look; and it has materialized and I slowly walk to it; take its hand and join it… it is mine now…
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And I Hope SO. I have to let go after trusting God… This whole process to be able to do this is a process; and one I forgot about. Now; its awakening in me because of my extreme spoil’dness laziness ; My entitlement attitude; Expectations and unreasonableness. I can only dig down entrench with God; in front of God, in that whole I made to pray in that takes me lower then the shrine I pray at; thus making it clear; I am below God not above; for I am asking for help; and those who ask for help and need help; they do not enter the hallways of the kings chambers where the King is having a lavish part; one does not just walk up to the Kings table and sit down; When one is powerless and in need one goes to the corner and sits on the floor unassuming and waits to be invited to the table… This is out of all realty; humility and respect for the King… And when takes a lowly position; it creates a vacuum for those who care or notice; a vacuum in the universe that the universe wants to fill; thus someone will approach if its meant to be; and they will ask if I want to join the table to talk to the King. But in no other way may this occur…
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[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 31, 2025 7:14 am

Where am I at now;
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Relationships are what Im working with with God.
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Im seeing the first glimpse of personality of the kind of women I want to meet. Im understanding how unusual it must be for God to set someone up for me. I don’t fit into anything; Introverted Art sensitive intellectual type…
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Im starting to understand; God had no one for me when I was young.
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I would have had to gone to him; to God first and to see what would happen or how; way way way amounts of work to find the right kind of person to attract them.
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I saw that kind of personality that would fit mine; it was someone who was smart sensitive broken like me… sensitive; human…
I met her; I know of her; I don’t talk much to her; but I did for a second; and I saw it; I mean; at-least Ive met someone like me… same kind of match; That means Im getting close. \
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Im understanding that Im not like other people; other people don’t want people like me; I don’t fit in with them.
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When I was young; I had many women who took notice of me; but that was physical; no one hit in with my personality;
SO; it was useless and strange; I didn’t want to attract the wrong people; even if they were really good looking… that did not help me… it was like attracting strangers; thats all it was; nothing more….
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I have to work with God on what I want.
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I know this

The other day I did associate with someone with a personality like me; Like a match! Im not sure in the real world if that really was anymore then a fluke; it was God allowing me to see Im getting closer…
Im seeing it…
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This is as close as Ive ever been.
Now that Im turning to God for help…
I mean; after being on course with God; the right things are showing up around me that are in unison with my inner being…
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Ive noticed that many people and places and things that are not in unison with my inner being are being fleshed out… Im finding out very quickly…
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So; Im learning to stay away from those people; they are more animal then human; and people like me do not sit well in their food chain. Im of little to know importance or value; nothing. And Ive got to learn that the hardway.
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I realized at a meeting tonight just watching people; sitting next to people talking to some people; Im not everyone's cup a tea…
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I may have to go through 100 people or maybe 500 people to find anything close to an appreciative match.
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And that is up to God.
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Ill keep working at it.
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Its humbling when several people of the opposite sex around me have no interest; Im not talking about age. Assuming all are adults; Im not talking about age… Certainly age plays a huge factor in things in this day n age. However; Im speaking of personality type. I just don’t fit in…
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I see many people not attracted to people like me; My inner personality. That fact; thats part of the deal; we have to match up in personality.
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And I have an introverted sensitive personality type that does nothing for many people; They have no value to it or respect; Why? Because it shows signs of sensitivity and weakness…
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Ive found many women not interested.. They don’t want that from a man… They want a guy that treats them However; but is big n strong.
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My personality is not attractive to these people; it is not a match. SO; Im realizing what its like to sit in a room of people who are not interested no matter what I do I cant compete… And I have to work with God and accept this. And its hard. Its humbling…
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So; I have to work with God to become matched up according to my personality.
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And as Ive said; I did meet some people who are frequency matches; it can happen; personality type… However; as I mentioned; this just shows me God is showing me Im getting closer. I have to just keep working at things and see who shows up under God… but I am getting it…
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My personality is not attractive to allot of people… So….

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 30, 2025 10:44 am

Next move up…
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Relationships…
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This is the next thing to work with God on….
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This is where Im at….
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I have to really back track…
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Ive not been around people that treat me with any respect; nothing.
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And now; I have to work with God on what this means and what to do about it…
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Or I do nothing about it; I just work with God…
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I work with God on it!
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by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 30, 2025 1:12 am

At this point;
Happiness is my priority by getting beneath my higher power in front of my higher power; because I am not God; God is God and I worship God and I do what God tells me. I get in instructions from God on how to be happy.
The problem is; I didn’t follow through with those instructions. Instead; I stopped halfway through; and never followed through. Thats the real cause of my problems; Those Im experiencing right now in recovery.
So; Im learning to get in front of God; humble myself; Just like a 5 year old on his knees praying to God; and praying to Santa Claus for a new Train set at Christmas… If a 5 year old can believe with that kind of faith; SO can I!
So; Im back turning into the 5 year old again praying to Sunny Jesus for my Trainset; of what ever that means to me. Im back again…. Amen… Im learning…
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Ill pray for everything…
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My happiness is up to me; if I would just get on my knees and follow through with God; meaning; I surrender to God and allow God in on all things first… and always; and then let God bring to me what I need and I stay out of it; Its the horse first then the cart. And Im ever learning this always on n on!
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Next step is to thoroughly work with God to over come specifics of the past; leading me to unconnect from it.
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Im still living in denial and unreality concerning certain events of the past; I had expectations because I thought I was a big shot; I was not and never had a chance with some people; specific people. I did not check first to see if I had a chance with them; I assumed and this got me destroyed and devastated. In the end; I clearly was delusional; I was hanging around the wrong people, Whos fault was that.
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NOTE: I had no family; no one wanted me; I was stripped completely of my physical past by that point was still a child… SO I was beyond desperation… What Do I do… I had no idea; what to do or where to go. Well; the places I ended up where not safe and I didn’t know that. And I was living in a place that was not safe; no one cared about me or wanted me; and no one cared about my future; nothing… I just did not understand or know what was happening; SO I reached out desperately to anyone anywhere. And I will pay for this horribly.

WHOS FAULT WAS IT I WAS HANGING AROUND THE WRONG PEOPLE: WHY COULDNT I JUST HANG OUT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
Would got not bless me and allow a good life with them; the right people?
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Letting go of the wrong people is about EGO! And that specific ego is what Im working on…
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PTSD;
CPTSD;
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Im feeling it right now as I get a little better; feel a little safer in new surroundings in the present.
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A major part of me is that little boy who used to play in the school yard; throw the ball and ride his bike.
But that world was cut short; all things were cut short… or cut off. I was no longer… I was no longer part of anything… Nothing…
I had nowhere; I had nothing…
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I was thrown away and had no physical place to live with an address or neighborhood. The only person protecting me when young was This fake care giver… He did not care or give caring; that was my Father; but I really didn’t know who he was until it was 2 late. It was just another monster; thats all it was; nothing more. SO; there was never anyone looking out for me; ever…
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So; I was completely cut off from a life. And here I am now!
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SO; I relive the feelings of that time but have no house to go back to… Nothing. So; I must work with God on this continually and keep going… And Its working; my recovery.
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I am slowly going from what I remember or the PTSD; from that to now; living in the now; in some forms of peace…
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I have to keep working with God on things; on all of this….
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So; Im going through that PTSD right now!
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So; Im in a strange change over… From the Past to the present…
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Ive made some in roads but Ive also been in the recovery proce...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 27, 2025 5:51 pm

Blog;
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Ive talked allot about occupational ideas concerning things in the focus of Art/Writing/Music Creation.
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Ive talked about the years of being locked out of everything concerning occupation; meaning Hobbies and interests and callings, purposes; and so forth.
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However; now after much work; Years of working with God on things. One step at a time; with the help of others; walls are coming down…
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And Im showing signs of being organized…
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Im now working with others recreation-ally in these areas of the Arts; Im showing commitment signs to the Arts; creation process…
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Ive made enough advancements in this area that Im kind of on my own a bit and standing on my own 2 feet.
I think in the future blogs; Ill write about the work ethics involved as Im in the middle of the process of creating; The work ethic is now the concern around this… Learning to work more at it; putting in a little more time at a time… slowly; just slowly advancing naturally. However; Im truly at the beginning of all of this; meaning; Now that Im actually doing things in the real world. Im kind of in the real world now dealing with all of this again. Well; The fake and shadow life/ fantasy field Ive been living in; Ive stepped out of that with Gods help. Im now on the other side…
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Im on the others side very new and with no experience working at things in the real world. So; Ill keep working with God on all of this and report my challenges when they occur or need to be.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Where am I at in the overall development of relationship brought back into my life.
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After the last brutal rounds of Mental breakdowns; breaks from reality where I was put on social security and put out to fenced world of grassy knolls and salt feeding beens for the live stock; A place I could live out my days in La La land and not bother anyone.
Its seems; Those days are over… Im now committed to a fully developed recovery that is gaining confidence. I may never regain self fully; but Im certainly showing signs of creeping up on a solid belief in the concept of rehabilitation. I would say Ive moved into that realm in some protective realms; and realms with opportunities to get help developing; A general person development for all aspects of maturity and right thinking citizen ship within my civilization and society.
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What does all this mean; It means Ive made inroads into society and Im now part of society in small but solid ways… Ive made foundational moves into society where small foundations have been established and Im now growing like a plant at these locations with in society.
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This means I crossed from being Deranged back into some forms of sanity. This means Im stronger now; a bit stronger mentally; enough for my feet to hit the ground in a stability; some levels of stability.
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Its a start; its just enough grounding to stay present and take a few chances that will enhance my developmental interests…
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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Zero; I know nothing. Nothing; Nothing.
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The authentic me never got beyond a kid. And when I get in touch with myself; my innocent inner being; Im a kid. That child has had no relationships; Ive had liars and perpetrators try to get at me at that inner level; inner core; but they were unable to get at me.
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Actually in safe normal places; healthy situations; Never been in any so never had any relationships.
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I had thoughts of relationships; desires or dreamy interests of what it would be like when I grow up from child level; but it never happened.
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I tried once, I timidly actually approached someone; But; I got shot down before I ever started; devastated I turned and walked away never to return… So; This did not count as an authentic situation because no situation ever occurred; I as shot down long before I even really know their name…
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SO, Here I am now…
Maybe for the first time to authentic...

[ Continued ]

Signs

Where am I at now

Relationships…

At this point; Happiness is my priority

The beginning of Relationship Journey

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