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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Mar 30, 2016 4:40 am

Im now beginning child adult integration !

The child in me has been growing! Growing stronger! The child in me is the real me! A part of the innocent me! And the child's growing has become so strong; it's beginning to take over! Im fusing into self! The child is taking over my present adult personality! I can feel the vibrational signal and streams meandering like creeks and rivers up through my soul!

Im being Borg'd!; as the old Star Trek show would say!

The child in me is present and wanting to take over! This is the child of my beginning years! The real me! And IVe been working with this child as soon as the amnesia went down! And I had to do years of work to get the amnesia down; that I can patch blackout years together and reach through the mind system to the child from my childhood! A child who was trapped and stranded in this time period! But not anymore! The child is fusing through my physic veins! ITs like being taken over by the inside!

The child is living and breathing again and present and remembering again! And because he is remembering again, Im being taken over by him and becoming him again! And allot of this is social practice in the real world in the present! Mass connection with others; over n over n over!

The problem is; As the child grows and becomes me and I become him; He wants his next move! He has a whole child history! But that was 45 years ago! Not a problem! But no one remains from that time period! Im literally stuck in that time period in the sense that I want resolution!

The great news is; Im not stuck in that time period! Im not in that time period! That time period is in me! And as the child grows into the present; he brings his past, present, future, dreams, conquests, ambitions, TV shows! He brings it all with him! And relives it! Or, I would say, I have permission to comb through his mind and look up anything I want to! Any memory!

The problem; Im combing through the child's mind; now what? I find any amount of memories of situations I experienced! Yet, there is a strong vibration to continue to memory and find a close to it! Or an opening into the next level of life! But where in the present reality would I go to develop the 9 year old! Its great; the work that has been done up to this point! However!

The 9 year old in me! How does he become 10! I cant go back to a traditional grade school and go from 4th grade or 5th grade to 6th grade and experience all that Im supposed to experience! I suppose I can look at what actually occurs at those ages and find some friends and start acting those things out in real time in the present! But thats not enough! And it seems something else is missing! The surroundings! It's not the same time period! Im not sure acting out at that age is the answer! I think living now is the answer!

It scares me to live now! I don't have a house or a neighborhood or career or connections to anything in the community! I guess I will open this and pray about it! It hurts when I have walls up like this! Im not part of a community! Once I was destroyed out of the the community I was apart of as a kid! I could never join another! I had a phobia of neighborhoods and houses! Now things are slowly different!

ITs very hard! ITs very scary to pray for re entering life again! Im re entering as the same person I was! And thats incredible! Its as if I was stored within my own chamber deep inside myself! And I know others have been buried in their as well; they wont be coming out!

I believe the original me was killed and buried inside self! And never coming out! I was created later! I am the second identity!

But the child is the child identity! And there are many smaller children that make up this identity! And this child has his own life and interests!

This child is growing and getting stronger and I need a place for him within myself! Or, he is becoming me and I need a place for him in the present world! But thats up to God!

Right now I go to 12 step groups! I have no other interests in this small town! I mountain bike! I have a therapist! But no other outlets! Christian 12 step groups and a few psych groups on mondays and others stuff! But generally, I have a support system! But this support system is for the psych side of things! It's not for the living side of things! I go to the gym everyday! I watch porn when Im board, and I watch and listen to success based inspirational speakers on youtube discuss the Laws of Attraction and success based positive thinking and how to set goals and manifest desires! ITs all very clinical!

12 step groups are OK! They do the job! But don't expect everyone to be cheery every time they see you; you get all walks of life in those places and death! Not everyone is thinking about me! Allot of times there are people that think they are Gods! I guess, like everywhere else in societies! I get people that judge me; think Im stupid and immature and after sharing; have nothing to say! Meaning; they think its better that I dont share for I said nothing! Obviously these are shallow people and arrogant! One learns to forgive all people over, over , over! Keep forgiving! And don't ever trust them or let them out of your sight!

I have been reaching out to others with mixed results! The experience is whats important! Ive been getting experiences! They are not all pleasant; but its experience!

Ive taken allot of people out to coffee but it's dying out! If I want more people to go to coffee, Im going to pray about finding the right people! IVe been going with general recovery people! And its worked! Its opened things up to interaction with others! Now, I would like to be more selective!

Art; I would like to make art again! This is a hardcore problem! I don't like opening up my art side in a silly little apartment like the one I have! Im mad that I cant do music! Singer song writer stuff is over until I can ever have a place to practice! It makes me sick! Im attempting to use the laws of attraction to help!

So, Ive got art! I have to learn how to get rid of negative thinking that blocks me when attempting art! I have to have an art goal! Why am I making this art! Its important for me to have a goal!

I don't really feel safe where Im at expressing myself! I don't like opening up in this apartment! I don't have a house! And Im working on this stuff! Goals, dreams! We will see!

The idea of Art is or will be; I make a decision to make art now! Its something like that! It hurts because its always turned out bad because I don't have the privacy! I never feel safe where Im not; I don't live in a house and my walls are paper thin! I hate it! I must learn to trust God and keep working with God concerning these situations!


I am healing; and Im healing without the help of the old family system! Ive shared this at meetings! Most people don't care and don't listen to me! They do not appreciate what I just wrote!

When I was young; I had a best friend, a mother father, brothers, extended family, school ,church, neighborhood that I loved! Down town I could walk around in! TV with all my favorite shows!

Thats what I thought! I thought I had all these things! In the end; I would be betrayed by all things! IT was all of the false fronts that I mentioned above; like the family system and others; these are what gave me a false sense of security! When all of these social anchor points were pulled on me! I was destroyed; like a bug on a window shield! My mind and nervous system were ruptured! PTSD and many other problems! No one cared! I was 10 years old!

There was no way I could survive from that day onward! And no way I could come back! I had no support as a human being, and I was to far gone!

Now things are different!

I am getting better without any of it! Totally on my own with the help of outside support in many forms! And Im not back! Not yet! I still have names that must go!; Brother, mother, best friend!

At different degrees of seriousness! Each name must be forgiven and erased from my God worshiping mind! Each name must be gone! And the base off my false memories must be gone! What does this mean?
The house I came from; I must remember before this time period! And stop all memories after Im about 4 years old! Everything after that does not count! Non of it! I must erase everything and everyone I ever met and now go into a new direction!

As for the 20 years of 12 step work! Those people don't count! They are just cogs to me in the wheel! Most of them! Not all! Im just putting in my time to get back on my feet!

It's interesting how many spoiled privileged people I meet that think they got it together! They have hundreds of people supporting them and a society on their side! I had no one! Not one person; most of my life! At times, a few profs tried to help when in college! Other then this; no one! No real connections!

And look; Im doing better! Yet, this is because of my refusal to give up on God! I make God work with me! I plead with him for help and direction; and thats whats happening!

Im still young enough to have a life! Family! Career or activities or something before I kick the bucket into the next life! Im right on the edge of it! Im still young enough!

God has a plan for my life! I must keep working with him and my success based youtube coaches!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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