July 2025
June 2025
Making a women a women friend… Women+Friend…
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I was never able to do this after being around my mother; or what ever that monster is… and that may really be the problem…
I saw 2 much from the beginning of my life in several women who were in control of families; they were pure unadulterated evil… All of them. I don’t want more if it around me….
I was a witness to this when I was a small child; very very small child infant; just able to remember at 3 ½ years old and onward… and through my childhood.
I was fooled not by my mother; that was never fooled.
Later Ill see it everywhere in the family systems I would attempt to be friends with or relatives… I cant speak for my aunt and uncles but they never really wanted anything to do with me; They lied… They wanted nothing to do with my Father; they did not feel safe with my father around. I was a child so it appeared they were nice to me; but it was fake; as soon as they got rid of him coming over to their homes; I was suddenly not their relative anymore; they didn’t want me; or want me to stop by. They never wanted anything to do with me; it was fake.
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The women I saw were dangerous and abusive or worse… Those were the only women I was around. I was ripped to pieces by these monsters; not just women; Men and women; all of them pure evil when I was young… I had no idea thats what they were. The only that kept me safe when young was my father; because they would not try to destroy something of his; he was a combat vet from WW2… He was in bad bad battles. They wouldnt touch me; but after I was thrown away at age 9; it didn’t matter anymore; my father never wanted me; they were just playing with little kids and then dumping them… No conscious; nothing.
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So; when I think of relationships; I have to do the work to learn how to go beyond that basic Gap; Its a Gap; This gap was started by being given away when young; child. This gap started by my father then failing me again… My mother setting me up after dumping me; I had to go somewhere; they didn’t care about me; I had to go back and live with my Grandmother; where sexual abuse; they were a bunch of pure evil sinister monsters… They created my mother. I had a best friend; he betrayed me; claimed it was all my fault and I deserved the abuse and basically that I had always been White trash in his families eyes. And this left me devastated and heart broken. And in literal shock. I never forced those people to have anything to do with me; Instead; their parents used me to baby their son and make sure he didn’t grow up alone; Several years later I could feel it; I could feel the rejection after he got a certain age and they had gotten what they wanted; suddenly I wasn't their friend anymore. They just used me; I had no idea…
From their Ill move around and be bullied and abused with no help. Ill end up against with my mother; Ill try to make friends; but Im faked out again… Im around people that don’t want me or care about what happens to me; they see Im vulnerable: And they will take advantage of it. They will allow me to think Im getting a friendship out of the deal; when nothing Is happening; They could care less; they don’t plan to ever see again anyway. And I just didn’t know… Im suckered again.
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By this time Im destroyed…
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So; After that, all dating stopped; everything stopped when I was a teenager…. I completely did not understand; I just wanted a girlfriend; A nice decent person… But it never happened; I was destroyed by these people.
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Finally Ill just drop out of everything; and being so mentally ill they have to put me on social security; no future…
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Now; things are changing; and working with God and 12 step groups; Im looking to develop back into relationships.
God is working with me and guiding me with the Galaxy Justice league; Father son Holy spiritus; Angels; Gods army. God is my Mother And Father! God is both roles because there is no one else to play them. And God can create them on earth in many many safe forms for me and has… and spirit Guides from God; Those people that have passed away but under God they came to me in spirit and imagination and are playing roles in my life from heaven… I have a few of them; and they play different roles… but I have a Mother from Heaven; and its very cool; and she is very cool; and I know she volunteered for the job; I can see it in my soul.
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I was pleased with what I knew about her on earth and let God know. And she know; even tho she was in heaven and she volunteered to be my Cyber mom…
She is kind of a A.I. Mom before such things existed… But she is not from the internet; she is real and is from Heaven…
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The Gap; The relationship Gap; from ages 9-16; more specifically; Ages 9-12… Yes; I can feel it in that 9-12 Gap area.
Im now working on it; this is a vast desert to work through walk through. Im at that jumping off place; Im their; Im taken back to my childhood where I was thrown away again and sexually abused with no help no way out… Im there now! Im back their. And that is where this starts.
Ill work with God as if God is with me and my adult brain when Im back their; in my imagination and Ill use God and universe to build pathways… And God will show me many other ways through. So; Ill set up camp outside the house I was abused in; by the park. And Ill set up camp; Ill radio God and Ill begin; Jesus will come down and begin to minister to me… And direct me; and the Holy spirit will show up around us and minster to me and show me; guide me; guide my directions… Between universe God Jesus Holy spiritus and the Angels; Gods army; Ill have a chance here. But I have to bow down to God for the help; where I believe more in God then what happened to me. And that is the work Im at now; learning to get below God; Honer God; bow down to God; lowly and low then Gods shrine that I pray to for all things…
I have to dig a hole in my imagination; a 6 foot deep hole; one I can jump into get on my knees and lay myself out with hands out or down but arms strait out and face in the ground and pray and plead for Gods help in the areas of desires I have; what do I desire and take it to God lower then where God sits. For God is God and Im the follower; and I have to relinquish the reigns. I have to bow down to God and then pray. And doing so enough after giving way to God; then the results come. And so; that is the job right now. To breakdown and be on the ground; and in that state; just to be! And feel; what it is like under God; Under Gods presence; in trust of God; that God will take care of all things If I ask.. OK God…
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God before the dreams I desire. First I have to go through God; God before the Horse n Cart. The Horse before the cart and then things happen.
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From there I build. I kind of know where Im going; Im going on a journey that I would have gone on at ages 9 to 16…If I had been safe and not destroyed.; Something like that. Ages 9-12.
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So; Ill work with God; Ill go back in time and start as a small little boy to prepare for this journey; rewriting my past in a way that does prepare me for Gods journey forward; and to end up at the starting gate of this Gap; a place of; Where Ive come to my end and the next advancement is into no mans land; this journey….
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And their it is; a very vulnerable space.
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All I can do now is get started…
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The end result goal will be for me to believe… What ever it will take!
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