Objective and Goals
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Life is based on what I believe; In addition; my goal is to finish an objective… That means finishing many small objectives… And thus leading to an over all finishing of a major intended objective…
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For example;
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My main goal with Guitar playing ultimately is; to be a front man at times in a band; playing some forms of lead and rhythm guitar…
That means I would need to be at the intermediate level for guitar playing. I would consider a starting position in a band Im a member; as intermediate level. I think at that level with the right mates; I could be a guitar player in a band… Assuming we are all at the same level…
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I can see myself imitating the onstage dress code and appearance of several rock stars… and the way they play and hold their guitars…
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My point is; concerning guitar;
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Very small goals that I can accomplish in general first.. and these goals add up at some point to being a better guitar player or more experiences guitar player and this leads to an intermediate position; earning it… Im at a novice level right now.
Im not always aware of when these smaller goals are accomplished; instead; I just practice and get involved and at some point after much struggle I find myself advanced from where I started; I can play several songs; the chords; when in the past would never touch them… to hard; way to advanced.
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ART:
Its the same struggle for Art as anything; setting to big objectives has been impossible; In fact; setting any objectives as been impossible for most of my life; that recently has been changing with much much work. As I move toward accomplishing a goal of aligning myself up to create art…
My first Goal is to; set things up correctly. When each smaller objective has been accomplished; I find myself at a point of beginning something more advanced and real. What does this mean; it means Ive taken care of the problems associated with starting a project in art. I used to be baffled by Art problems; especially setting up the computer and art software; maybe I felt I wasnt that smart… I struggle with things; working with Simple Art programs scared me intimidated me embarrassed me. Now;’ Im a little more open about showing to others Ive felt limited when working with Art software; the technical side seemed over my head and maturity level.
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Im one of those people that wanted and wants to live in a dream; I do want to express my feelings threw art; However; I want the work done for me; And in reality; that cant happen. I must learn to have a value for doing the work or the rest will never follow; Worth Ethic comes first.
Problems that used to baffle me…
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The problem was I could never finish a smaller objective;
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If I had 100 objectives in art I needed to finish; it was all to overwhelming for me; I just gave up dropped away…. I just had no faith; what was the point of finishing an objective… it wouldnt get me anything in life… I would bring in the horrors of the past; The full meaning of my past and life would be brought into and triggered by the work I wanted to accomplish in Art; thus; I would be so taken over; my focus; by the past; I would never get stared on accomplishing an objective in art…
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I was affected by the past;
I had a morbid outlook upon life considering all the personal losses I experienced…
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Things are different now…. Are they? Well; Im more willing to fight for what I want. Really fight for it; and its showing. Sanity or stabilization is showing up a bit.
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And I have fought for what I want; Ive got allot of psych problems associated with taking action; and this had burdened the process greatly; and so its tuff deal. However; I keep at my objective of imagining objectives that I want to finish…..
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So; The goal is learning how to Think; the goal is learning to finish these smaller objectives; and in many cases; they are not so small; they are worlds unto themselves…
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So; a small objective can be a big thing to me; so big; Its over my head; it may take me years to deal with; to even believe…
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Finally tho with many other successes of other sorts; suddenly I attempt an objective in setting up the Art canvas on computer; and I finish this objective of pre setting up the Art software for creating; Hurrah! With God all things are possible.
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So; the point is; at some point; I find myself; working with God; getting help to complete an objective; and God unlocks the secrets I need; and insights. I find myself finishing things I could not.
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And that was a major undertow to start with… One small objective; to finish it; The idea of finishing anything; That was a major objective; that had to be broken down into parts sections… and years of work to even think of being present and not dissociated from reality concerning dealing with objectives…
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Now; Im showing signs ( With God in charge; with Gods help and advisory committee)of completing important technical smaller objectives but deeply serious important objectives. The ability to accomplish this is a long term objective… . However; changes are occurring… And I never did this alone; I always had support… I would work with mentors and support groups.
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Oke; Where was I;
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With God all things are possible; With Out God; No GO! Not for me; I drown in the big lonely sea!
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So; How do I feel about having to depend on God; its sickening; I hate it ( I love it)… I hate having an authority over me. But God is the power… I cant stand it; but God is the power of the universe… and I must turn to God for help of all things…. I must. Its just the way it is…. And I do and Im learning how; in fact; its one of my objectives to work with God on my objectives…
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SO; where was I; Ill go back and re reading everything I wrote to understand where Im at!
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The ability to understand whats under the hood of my problems and goals with Art and Music creation; The process through investigations are getting inner-ly and deeply overhauled at some fairly basic beginning levels; Im reaching inward and thats a start. Im really getting into the works of understanding the dysfunctions in my mind associated with the intimidation and fear of trusting the faith within the complex nature of finishing an project or task in Art and Music creation. Im taking responsibility for it. And Im delving into the problems associated with it; Im investigating and exploring… And while doing it; its honing out my mind. Its opening up areas of insecurity from past trauma shut down…
Thus; Im uneasily growing… And Im starting to show responsibility in Art creation; the Art creating process. Im no longer playing the victim role or helpless role. Atho I am helpless; God is not; and thus; I turn to God for power or for help; to help me; to take over where I have come to the end of myself..
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I have to learn to believe. And understand the real labor involved in a thing And come up to speed for it; I have to become a better worker; a sharper worker willing to go deeper into the mind of the machine.
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Worshiping God; Getting help from God;
God always comes first. First I worship God at the Shrine; A Shrine that represents God; for this is out of reverence to God. I also Talk to God but I show my humility to worship God at the shrine; for all I have is belief…
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If I believe; things can happen. Because believing is magic; everything is magic; Life is not based on Right Or Wrong; its based on Magic… The more I believe the more it becomes real…
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I am hesitant to say that; That life is not based on right or wrong; certainly it is for me; but there is a greater understanding; Life is based on what I believe… That is more important; for what I believe will manifest what I want; and how hard I believe will manifest what I want working through God…
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I may be right; but that didn’t get me anywhere… And I want to get somewhere. Im not suggesting becoming corrupt… Im suggesting; Going to God to start with for help and God will lead me to the right people and places and things and support for what I need and want… Something like that.
Dont quote me; Im struggling with this just like any other new comer…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Ive mentioned Other goals associated with other subjects and Well; have I gotten somewhere with those goals; I believe so; I have; under Gods care; great leaps have been made under the care of struggle and a blue collar basic solid work ethic; under belief; believing that God will answer my prayers… And God is answering my desires; My desires to learn to take responsibility for my interests.
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However; Now its time to talk about RELATIONSHIPS.
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First let me say; Im far away from relationship; But Im right at relationships door… I have no other pending propositions at this time; For many of those problems have been answered by the universe concerning other things.
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THE HiSTROY of Relationships; A shortened blog…
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NOT GOOD; NO NEVER: NOTHING COULD BE WORSE OR MORE HIDEOUS OR HORRIBLE OR DEPLORABLE… NOTHING COULD BE MORE MISMATCHED AND CONFUSING.
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ITS TRULY BEEN HORRIBLE> THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN TRULY AWFUL AT ITS WORST POSSIBLE CREATION…
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DONE… TRAUMA SHOCK…...f
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All I can do concerning relationships is work with God. My childhood and life was fully destroyed by others… Other people. I had nothing… all things were taken away; confiscated; stolen at times by adults; including any earned money… Really Unbelievable. And all other bad things to happen and they did and will; for I was not in control of my own life and no one even knew I was alive; nor cared; and they did not care who harmed me; and they did not care if they ever saw me again; and when a child; they will do what they can to abandon me permanently. I will give up long ago for all things…
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So; here I am now; slowly healing? Is that the word Im looking for… Slowly regaining some deeper views to aware-my-sanity.
One of my goals is relationships; To regain a foothold in relationships and its upon me.
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The first thing needed under God is for sanity to return to me. And a working model of sanity has entered my brain… I am showing signs of getting a hold of my own brain at deeper levels; seems to be happening…
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Im at the front door of a new subject of interest. The other subjects have had attention and are showing progress to a point that God is now leading me to appoint my attention to another area; Relationships.
Its now in front of me with all its vast glory.
What does this mean; it means; it gets center stage; the working on this subject; the subject of relationship.
The goal with relationship; to take hold of the learning to relationship in my life; what it means. To smooth out the ruff edges of relationship…
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NOTE: Ive had no good relationship; not with most anyone… Ive literally been around 10000000 people who did not appropriate anything about me. Nothing! Nowhere…
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WOMEN; NOTHING! ZERO….. NO ACTION HERE OF ANY KIND. MEANING: I was never with the right people ever. So; at-least I can look at this as a starting goal. What do I want in women: THE RIGHT PERSON…
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So; working with God; one of the first objectives concerning women is; THE RIGHT PERSON.
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So; That is what I desire; The right people; the right tribe; the right groups.. The right culture… The right standards…
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No one has literally seen me; my inner worth ever; nothing; and I never ended up around any group that did… No one; nothing…
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I could not date anyone; No one wanted me; I was not around the right people. No one saw me; saw any value; Nothing.
I cant do anything with people who don’t even see any value in me. I mean; its hideous…
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RELATIONSHIP
So; here I am now dealing directly with the concept of RELATIONSHIP…
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Under Gods care and working with God;
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Im now officially working on it. Under Gods care; I should come up with answers…
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The key is to work with God and accept what is found…
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The realty has been; NO ONE HAS WONTED ME!
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Im of no value to anyone… That is the first major goal to work on with God…
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Ive been laughed at; hated and deceived numerous times… No one was cared…
This tells me; who ever is doing the deceiving certainly; these type of people are no friends of mine.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
Im getting a feel for what I have to do…
Ive been twisted around backwards concerning; .
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I can see its about opening up and being myself… So; their it is… Ill just have to practice… and all my dissociation is in this area; I can feel it; see it; its unbelievable. So; this ability to open up and be myself is the key; meaning where I start; Ill work with God on it and what it looks like; amen…
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Car
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Money;
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This also goes with it..
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House..