July 2025
June 2025
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First let me talk about my spelling; I could care less; but I do; But because I dont spell; not correctly; which I absolutely care nothing about; I find it interesting that it when I miss spell many things I dont know. I looks right...
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A sense of stability is occurring; but not yet. But maybe. Cars; women, and money and art; these things are growing; Whats important; without any one from the past; the long ago past. And yet; Im beginning to thrive in someway; have a sense of beginning independence; real independence; Something hidden and small and a valued jewel.
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A jewel is occurring; a silent hidden Gem; My life.
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So; There is suggestions of inner peace. It exists.
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Im doing OKe... Im slowly growing.
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If you play the Country Western record backward; You get the girl back; the house back; the truck back and so on.... And thats whats happening here; movement of the spiral moving backward; its moving upward. Slowly going back to where it came from.
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Im in recovery. Im not sure when I will be able to walk away from the recovery table and end up out in life again. I dont know.
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Its hard to describe where my life is; safely moving into a reality; the ability to open the door and see reality or feel it or be in it maybe... something like that.
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The Hospital;
Its like Im at the Hospital;
I was on the death dying room; Just laying there... kept in there... or the room next to it.. but in the vicinity. I was there for many moons...
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Now; Ive walked out of that place to the day room. And Im walking around. Im not longer in that room; but I can walk around in that room and revisit; but more n more; no reason to be their anymore... but their is; Im not completely strong enough to leave. Notice I did not say " Well". I said strong enough.
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This suggest my sanity is plagued by mental illness holes but Im doing OkE. I mean; im stabilized in some ways; at least enough to know who I am and where I am... The PTSD makes things weird and hard; not always knowing where I am; what time period or age. ITs all Been very schizophrenic.
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So; what am I trying to say; their is great hope that I can have the most basic of independence. Its a feeling thing; a feeling of safety and surety. Confidence that the light will turn on every morning and who cares if it doesnt... It can be fixed...? Well;' thats a bit bland and stupid...
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Making it on my own; coming back to self actualization; a higher form of maslow's hierarchy of needs.
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Im worked from sub ground up; in fact; Ive work from an area of coma to slowly become aware of the world around me; to slowly wake up; but not in the hospital; Ive done this around other people outside; in the outside world that were not aware of me; my condition; they have their own stupid view of me. So; I learned to deal with the fear of that without them ever knowing who or what I really am.
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Its been hard; survival; its not a matter of if its worth it or not; death is not worth it. Its not worth it to die.
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ITs all been a giant mental hospital; thats all its been; and the world has been my Doctors...
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The point is; and Im looking for the point; A sense of earned self actualization; a form of making it; Ive worked hard and Im starting to feel the independence of such work; very much as if Im rich with the power of money... I can go where I want and do what I want to do; kind of thing...
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To be wealthy or confident or something;
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I have much more belief that my higher power is working for me at a higher plain. I believe it; Ive seen it and Im turning to my higher power for such things.
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Ive earned it; every inch and ever penny.... no one has given me anything; if you know what I mean; and you may not.. .I dont know.
My confidence does not come from you paying for it. I had to pay for it; take the chances; big chances for this confidence to occur.
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Ill keep looking for words.
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Success; thats whats happen; forms of success are dripping down my waterfall.... drip drip drip; like a stream of bright light.. Its o so personal and hidden; an underground brook or stream.
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ITs that feeling like Im finally showing signs of getting somewhere. I was never suppose to ever be in this realm again and Im showing movement in this realm; crazy!
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I want to make it clear. Im nowhere near out of this situation. Im still in the hospital one might say. a tag still binds me. Its got a hold of me and I dont know any other way.
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The baby elephant is tied by a rope to the leg to a post on the side areas of the circus tent thus never leaving a 6 foot area. take the rope of the angle of the baby elephant and the elephant wont leave. It has no way of understanding anything exists that is any good for it beyond the 6 foot area.
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Im the baby elephant that wants more and is scared to death; not only of not knowing anything beyond the 6 foot area but because no parents or any support is around anymore; they have all left; new tent circus owners have taken over with all new employment and employees. I am not know or heard; I have no history or guarantee with these new tent owners; I have no status; Im just a baby elephant they found that goes with the circus act; the tent. I have an insecure feeling of all this.. and Im scared to death to only her able to realm in a 6 foot space. Im starting to question this... I want out. Im scared to death of staying and Im scared to death to leave.
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I sought answers with God/Universe.
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Im not the only one grieving in this situation; so; with Gods help; new openings were sought; new information on how to go beyond the 6 foot buriers.
I learned that it starts in the imagination... if I can or could imagine I was somewhere else; and believed God would create pathways where I did not see any; at some point new pathways would open for me and I could go forth. and that is exactly what Ive done. or am doing or learning how to do.
Ive sought recovery around those who did not understand me and that was lonely and oKe and it continues onto today. But its getting old.
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Im tired of the recovery world and being in cognito. Im wanting an independent life away from those rooms... not depending on them so much... I would like a built life outside of that place and its people; its all been so terribly fake in many ways; always forced to play the passive idiot in many ways. With some of the groups its Oke; the mens groups; all good... Other groups; not so much... guard up or mask on ...
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Its all good as long as I have new thoughts of hope and a future in other places. And this has been showing up; but I want more of it... Im dong well; just not experienced enough at the good developments yet. Still in the circus tent... Im still acting like the kept elephant but that elephants imagination is creating all the time.. figuring ways how to get out of there...
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I still need the rooms. I need them for basic upbringing... To grow up. to grow and develop and Im tired of needing them for this. I am showing signs of movement from the mat... I am slowly getting up and showing signs of movement... So; its a matter of time; but I have no idea how much time it will take to get better.
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I have no idea how much more time or how much time it will take to get better; to become independent.... To grow... Im not sure... Im not well in all areas. One might say; Im not sober in all areas of my life. I still have un treated insanities... And its those areas of dream world Im trying to wake up. Or wanting to prospect. lay claim; start digging.... Open up those empty fields of dreams.
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some areas of my personality have not been touched yet; because they are higher up on the number line and my recovery has not reached them yet. Gap resides between where Im at and over coming these no man lands of desert waist land.
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I have a few more dessert waist lands to experience; to work through. Ive got a few that are causing fear. The fear is getting up; facing the laziness of hiding and avoiding... change; to feel and experience it; its uncomfortable. And I dont want to deal with that uncomfortableness. Ill get their; but this is heavy....
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Im still paranoid and weak. I mean; Im still schyzo- Im not well. Im delusional. PTSD delusional. Im not all here; enough that Im mentally ill and need to be on disability. I dont like to say that. No one like to because the PTSD makes my inner self in a state of constant terror.
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The intrusive thoughts make me believe Im somewhere else and always in a state of loss and abandonment and terror. No way out...
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So; Im still sick... Its like Im on a boat that is dying; sinking and at that same time a crew is working hard patching up holes make it afloat and sea worthy on a constant sun shinny day. Painting the hull and deck with bright colors.... clean and sharp... But the boat is still taking on water with holes in the starboard bow. 2 crews; one dealing with the repairs of the boat; while the other is creating a positive living space on the boat. On one end; constant problems while on the other end it all looks sun shinny and hope.. And it is.. its me saving myself at different ends of the spectrum. One one side Im trying to keep myself from death on the other side Im trying to build life as fast as possible with pep and vigor.
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So; Im not all here yet. Thats the problem; Im still dissociated. And thats mental illness. The key is; do I have something to live for. Im getting there... Thats what Im trying to say... Im starting a life. Things are showing up. But Im not totally secured yet and feeling safe. Im not well... Im still paralyzed by my condition.
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Im one of my groups; Not to have any recovery in an area is called un treated alcoholism. Technically like most of us or a lot of us with trauma... We used something to medicate and I did the same. Am a alcoholic. I dont know. No/Yes; ITs so very border lined... I used enough of many things when young that it qualifies me to be in rooms that suggest I dont want to ever use anything again to medicate my situation and escape. Escaping through alcohol is not a good idea for me... Potential problems I was creating... Anyway; Drugs included; but it all stopped abruptly when younger and I ended up in recovery rooms; dual diagnosed. I seriously didnt use as much as some... But I did abuse consistently for the purpose of escape; so added with trauma; its all my dysfunctional internal family nightmare...
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So; I have un treated alcoholism. What does that mean; its another way of saying parts of my life are not sober; but my dry; I dont drink... Those areas are still infected by the abnormality of trauma shock. Im not acting normally... Im still repressed and oppressed.. and internalized.. insane.
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This insanity shows up in things of maturity or getting a car; this is a great one for this. I have to relearn how to have adult abilities; and its happening; Im slowly slowly slowly climbing the latter out of this specific well. However, one foot step at a time; and I have to get out of the well; I cant just dream it away or dissociate it away as if its not their. I have to work with God on getting the experience to get out to the well. I have to learn the consequences for getting into it in the first place. Now I have to work and earn my way out of it. And this determines how bad I want out of that well and back on dry land at the top. This show up concerning my clear mind for a car.
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A Car; I certainly appear that I want a car. I get it. Ill have to work with God on this and what it means... Im extremely dissociative concerning it; Lots of dissociative work concerning getting a car; the sanity of such a prospect. Lots of full active PTSD inclosed in this area. I have to work through many things so the focus will be on the new car; a car; and not on the past; that is the work.
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