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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Having a relationship day to day with a women
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   Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

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Women and relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 08, 2020 5:07 am

Im a 4 year old masquerading as an 8 year old masquerading as an 14 year old. So; Im 14 years old; Or I'm telling the story of when I was 14 years old.
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So; I met a girl when very young; she lived up the street. First I will say; I was living in a new city. So; I had this feeling it was just temporary; until later when all things died..
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I was living in this city; up the street was a girl; I met her and started calling her; I liked her and she liked me. I would walk up to her house and be with her and she with me. One day after flirting; I was 2 scared to do anything with her. But it wasn't fear of her; my mind was somewhere else; it was PTSD and what had happened to me in the past; but I didn't know.
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So; she jumped on me; sat on my lap and waited to see what I did. in other words; she like me. I pushed her off and acted arrogant; but I really liked her. but that was 2 much for me. but it wasn't. I have to find out why I pushed her off me. And their it is.
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I was afraid I was not manly enough. I felt 2 faced... like I was secretly someone else and did not want anyone to know. I was secretly a broken child from another place and time ruined and scared out of my mind and confused and dissociated from reality.
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No one cared about me so I cared about me; I won't work. Soon; I will crumble. But what was the problem with starting a relationship with the girl; and their it is. I did not feel worthy; why? thats what Im trying to work on.
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So; I have to find out why I pushed the girl off me. My self centeredness and anger and fright; I was scared.
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I thought I was a fraud; an imposter and I started to feel that way and wanted to run away. I liked her tho; thats the problem with this story. and I have to find out why I did not allow her to sit on my lap and figure out how to fix it... thats what Im writing this for.
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The point is; I wanted the girl; but I was being controlled within by the psychopaths I lived with. I did not have their permission; it was fear; I was being controlled by past fear as well. And I can see that fear and the PTSD and the past; and the dissociative disorder; I can see it as I write; someone else was running my life. I was under the intimidation of abusers; psychopaths and sycophants... I had become their slaves out of true fear; Real terror and fear. And now I have to confront it; accept it and work on it. stockholm syndrome. Trauma bonding.... its bad in me; real bad; they have control of me; I don't know how to confront it because its flash back city. We will see..

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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