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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Im so right in the middle of the promises

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm

The promises are from the big book of AA; they suggest that I will loose my fear of people and economic insecurity; I will not focus on the past anymore; Ill have no interest in it but not shut the door on it. Things that used to baffle me will no longer seem unable to understand.
And so its happening for me; but its hard work. Im in the middle of it; right in the middle of it; for real. .
I have allot of work to do; lots of stories to write about my past; re writing it and feeling it; Im not dissociating as much right now and its killing me; Im seeing and more importantly feeling what Im dissociating from; its grief; deep horrible grief; its all the horrible feelings of sadness and fear and rage and terror and hopelessness I felt when a little boy as I was being thrown away and neglected day after day after day and nothing I could do about it accept watch my dreams go down the drain; all of them; and then to see it go to another level; a psychopathic level; where everything will be stripped of my life.
so; Im feeling it; feeling what I felt then; I had no one; and no one to talk to as my life was being stripped of everything I loved and knew; and I mean everything; down to the bone....
So; Im not dissociating and that means I can withstand what happened. but that is not completely true; I still dissociate up close when needy people get to close; I shut down; and thats a problem.

So; with more recovery; that means I can get back my young child thoughts and dreams and hang on to them even tho Im not back in 1960's. the 1960's are showing up for me now.
The covert goal I had as child; hold on to my childhood dreams and don't tell anyone; ride through my childhood until an adult and I can get fare away from that place of growing up; get what I needed and move away and move on; tell know one about my life. It almost worked; I never did tell anyone anything about my life; However, my whole life; the physical life was stripped away; something I had no idea was going to happen. By going through these things; this took me into the world of trauma; I had already been in the world of moderate trauma; meaning; I was staying alive and half thriving the best I could; I got scraps but that kept me alive. I was still independent and thriving a little bit; but the support I had from one parent wasn't real; and it ended and they didn't care; and I was destroyed and lost and no one cared about me or what happened to me; They would play with us to about the age of 4 or 5 and that was it. Generally they were done caring what happened to us; they had their fun but never told us.. And it was more sinister then that.
So; this is what I was hoping for and asking for; to walk out of trauma; regain my original silent goals and dreams; stuff I kept to myself; things I valued and loved and cherished keeping them to myself. And then not dissociating but able to grieve the loss of what happened and then come back to life where Im at and keep going; And thats whats now happening; better late then never; and aint that for sure. And its just starting.
Just starting to move into the real rehabilitation stage of my dysfunctions.
Im getting their; Im waiting for me to duck down; feel the trauma and the grief but hold tight and when I can deal with it covertly; meaning feeling safe; get that over with and dealt with; covertly move on down the line refreshed and ready to go; dealing with my own feelings.
I can see things I used to love when I lived in the neighborhood; I see them in my mind; and now; if I see them and feel them and feel their losses and what happened to me; Im not stripped of my home at the same time where I have no grounding support. Thus; I now know I have support but it will take time to test the waters.
I need to go deeper and deal with the deeper issues; these dissociations and flashbacks are causing problems with my art career and or music career; and art and music are to different things; and Im scared to perform because someone could hurt me; so I have deep hatred and fear and horror and terror and pain; untouched; and it needs to be gotten in touch with; and Im feeling it right now as Im writing about it. And Im angry that Im older and have no family supporting my work; but I could get a new one; I never thought about that; that has promise. A new family to support me; be inline with what Im about. that would be something to work toward.
The problem with trauma people; they don't trust what they want; I mean; I say I want a family and Ill start dreaming bout it; but what shows up might not be what I was dreaming about; I might have split energy and I attract the wrong people in the right package. Who knows; and it might turn out to be trouble. I don't know; and I don't know what I can bring to a relationship; I don't know. Ive got personality and goals; not much else; not much development because I was never developed; I was pulled out of my home and no one cared.
Im still dissociating; still talking to myself loudly all day long; ; enough to warrant it as a symptom of dissociation. O well; and I do it on my bike; Im one of those guys; the ones on the bike that goes by mouthing all those words like he's talking to someone; looks schizophrenic; But you know their not completely lost; I know their home but part of them is not. And thats me; Im one of those people; O well.
So; I have to feel and stay present and the darker things hopefully will come out from the deeper recesses of the past and I will deal with them and get the thorn out.
I used to have this thorn in my side; I could not get it out; Now its an open exposed area dug out; and in its open presence is that thorn stuck in my side; and you can open the gaping whole and look inside and see the thorn on the side. Its open; and I want the thorn to slowly work its way out of my side.
As Im open and less dissociative Im starting to see the middle class boy slowly remember middle class concepts and ideas and dreams of how I was going to be a general middle class kid; and my dreams and beliefs that I was a middle class kid. The horror I have not felt yet or faced; but was forced to face and had to face; it was not so; not to be because my life was pulled out from underneath and and everything wiped out; wiped clean; like I never happened or existed. All past wiped out; thats what the psychopath does. they wipe everything out; and move on; meaning; they kill everything; bury it and move on. And thats what they did to me. No trace I ever came from the home town I came from or the dreams or the school or the future or friends or neighborhood; nothing; and no parents anymore; gone; and if I chase those parents after this; who will I find; they are strangers who don't want me and they are not the same people I knew when young; they are indifferent and weirdos; arrogant and haughty and feel they area better than to take care of children; they don't have to; it is beneath them; instead they go look for new hosts.
home town I came from or the dreams or the school or the future or friends or neighborhood;" and this causes pain and dissociation.
So; I have allot that causes pain and dissociation; I never remember once; anyone asking me about my past or how it felt; nothing. meaning from the immediate family system; nothing.

So; I have allot to work through.
whats interesting is; as dissociation does not stop my thoughts from the past exploding and expressing themselves; Im seeing the real me along with the pain; Im seeing the thoughts or dreams of what I hoped would happen when I got older and what really happened as my life was being destroyed and thrown away. And Im not dissociating so I can see both worlds; And this is what I wanted; I needed to original goals and dreams to come out because they hold my identity; who I wanted to be when I became an older child.
So; this is everything I was asking for.
The goal now is to go deeper because I want the healing that would allow me to feel safe right now so I could create art; Ill start with that; the right thoughts and feelings; And I feel safe; that feeling of middle class neighborhood identity and safety is what Im looking for. If I felt good as a child because I felt safe and upper middle class or something like that; I want that back; those feelings and beliefs that Im safe; because if I get them back; I can start to create a world around me that allows those feelings to become real for me; if I hang on to those feelings; with having my feelings back of who I am; what I want; what kind of future I want and expect; thus; I don't need anyone from the past to dictate my future; I can built it myself.
The ability to get those hidden closed off feelings of my future; the ones hidden in the Childs brain; this is the goldmine I was looking for; this is the fountain of youth Cortez or one of those guys was looking for.
being aligned with the child from that period means I get back his memories; My early memories of who I am; and if I have them back and Im not afraid of dissociation because Im alive and well; that means I get restored to my life again; and thats exactly whats happening.
The problems Im dealing with while being in the middle;
First; Im getting both sets of memories hitting me; good; my original identity and bad; the years Im being destroyed at the same time; Im seeing both situations going off at the same time; because Im not presently dissociating over it; I can see 2 personality at the same time; one slowly dying and another; prison camp victim type personality that will born a soldier like psychopath personality that is controlled through rules by the main alter in my system that runs me. I get to watch both happing at the same time; feel them; watch one grow; watch the other die away and go under and disappear.
Now; that child has been rescued and brought back to life in the hear and now; the making of a miracle.
Let the reader understand; if you've never read my blogs before; I was murdered; those in the trauma tribe will understand. Mind genocide. I call it inland genocide. neighborhood genocide, family genocide. My future was robbed from me. now Im getting it back.
So; Im remembering; and Ive been around in the recovery process; Im used to being in this new person and new situation; So; Im stable enough to handle this childs original memories; I dont think we will be getting hurt this time round. However, I still dissociate like before but not like before; its better; its clearer; more transparent and not as large...
I need me present because I want a wife; and the universe knows I have to be myself to have a wife. to have the Asian soulmate wife I want. And this has taken much long work; but Im getting comfortable with the idea of an Asian soulmate wife.
Im in the middle right now; I still dissociate concerning deeper things; theirs a fault line; like an earthquake line deeper within me that must be taken care of; the pressure must be released and the fault line allowed to move and quick and then setting and reform and regrow back into the system.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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