The reality of the Day!

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 02, 2025 9:02 am

.
Page 1
.
The next Life;
Now it begins…
.
.
And what does that mean; I means Ive transformed from Fantasy to reality; and Im beginning again; automatically in reality.
I remember being here when I was 14 years old; Well; NO! Meaning; I do remember being 14 years old; but what Im getting transferred to is much better now then in the past; God is taking me back to; or directly to my childhood. I get to relive it.. re direction it… much more dependemce on God.
.
NOTE. I lost the ability to have a family or get close to one; I considered that lethil and could not ever get close to the idea of a family or interacting with one again.
.
NOTE; I was slaughtered in childhood…
.
That means I start out somewhere in my childhood years again; some place between ages 4 and or 5-9 years old. For in that place I had silent secret growth on my own volition. I secretly was developing in my own world; God has taken me back to that place. I remember…. To start again.
.
So; I am materializing again…
.
Im materializing in the present; and manifesting in the present is my main goal.
.
I remember a little bit of this in college years. But under God I shall go back to and work with God….
.
Its my childhood…
.
Im not there yet; but Im slowly materializing back as myself… into myself.
.
What are my goals…
.
Well first;
.
As I get used to this new life; being myself again but in different surroundings.
.
My goals are
.
Wife
Money
House
Car
Talents
Hobbies
Education
Occupation
.
Just as it would have been when I was first starting out in life.
.
I would have worked with my father ( if I would have had one); To learn how to make money
.
PAGE 2
.

and to get a good education; assuming my parents helped me. In the real world; they never did; they did not; So; now; I work with God on these things…
I would have had my first girlfriends and developed. I would they would developed into the next girlfriends and then more serious girlfriends as I develop as a person with direction… And finally to a college with my goals of direction; natural interests and then job and wife…
.
And this at the right teenage years my father helping me with car concepts… and moving into that world.
.
However; Non of this will never happen in the real world; I will be destroyed and given away or dumped as a human being….
.
So; here I am now! Im slowly; very slowly starting to change back into a person who dreams and manifests his future and focuses on his dreams.
.
God resurrecting me or has resurrected me back to the land of the living; but right now; that is as far as the inner walls of my apartment and some 12 step groups…
.
I am not strong enough yet to be out and about; that is still very much like looking through a glass jar in a dissociated unconnected way… Depersonalization ; depersonalization hits me hard outside because Im paranoid of the outside world: I have to protect myself.
.
In my apartment is almost no depersonalization. And that is truly a bloody miracle.
.
So; Im much better then I used to be….
.
.
So; God is transforming me slowly back to this place in reality. And As I get stronger I remember who I am….
.
And when Im strong enough; ill start over with the identity of those things; those gaols Im working toward.
.
One thing about goals; They are something Im working toward; my focus has been trained to look at nothing else accept what Im LOOKING FORWARD TO! IM LOOKING FORWARD!
.
My focus is forward; not on the past. The problem is the large amounts of CPTSD and PTSD… However; my mind has an opening through my imagination to create a world I want to live in. Now; I have to be brave enough to take the chances to believe it can happen; And that is when I get the most triggering from the past. My past lets me know I was destroyed doing this when younger. So; I have to keep working through all of this victim-hood until my feet are flat on the ground again in reality.
.
Ill work with God. Im not sure how anything is going to work out yet.
.

.
.
Page 3
.
CARS;
Nothing hits with more discouragement then cars. And this I believe is why God wants me to stick to my goals concerning having a car; I have no idea how Im going to get one or take care of one. I can see the development in my imagination first; and thats where it counts to start with; believing in my imagination first.
.
In the past I would have just given it up. Now; Im not going to. Ill keep writing stories and learn to believe then. In this case; a limited reality of my senses; The problem is; It means I believe more in my limited sense then I do my dreams and visions taken to God…. I have believe in my dreams and visions taken to God for my future; In my imagination; over my real world senses of what I see and taste and feel and sent… and touch. I need to make real what I cant touch or see or sent or feel. Whats in my imagination has to become real.
.
I want to be motivated to having a car and work with God on maintaining a car...with insurance costs and mechanical costs and so on…. And this has to happen in my imagination first; where I believe it so much; it becomes real in reality. And God makes it sensible and possible and real in my imagination. And Im getting that; that concept.
.

Gasoline is a whole other subject; Gasoline is a whole other subject!
.
Do I get discouraged about all of this. Yes; I get discouraged about everything; I do get discouraged; discouragement is my worst nightmare but I must learn how to hang on to my dreams and not let them go. Amen. Hang on and get through the personality damage… Keep going and keep hanging on. Hang on until I get through this storm.
.
Becoming discouraged is all I know! Thats all their ever was… I had no one ever.
.
However; thats why God wants me to learn how to set goals in the face of broken dreams; I wont be letting go of my dream. Ill hold on to the idea of working toward having a car and having it insured… and have enough money to pay for everything. And Ill work with God on this. And Ill created it all in my imagination and learn to believe it; and believe it first. And that will take some work; I can tell. Right now; I still see things in reality; So; the first Goal is to get it into my imagination to a place where its visions for the future… visualization and new stories believed about my future beyond what I can taste or sent or touch or feel or see or hear. That I start believing what is in my imagination is of a more real importance then what I see out in front of me in limited reality.
.
The most important aspect is that I keep dreaming about what I want; and writing about it as if it is possible in my situation.
.

Page 4
I keep dreaming and visualizing regardless. I keep writing stories about what I want regardless of what the outside world looks like to me.
.
I will work with God on who I have to become to have a car. ( being available to God). Ill keep working on the idea and desire of having a car even if the economics appear that its impossible for me to have a car.
.
God is working with me to learn to hold on to what I want regardless and believe; regardless of what is happening in reality around me. I have to work with God for things I want.
.
I guess this is a good opportunity to pic a goal and work with God to go after that goal in my imagination; thus believing Im going to get it and God will show me a way to get regardless… I have to believe tho. So; Im learning how to believe; Im learning on a subject of much vulnerability and discouragement; Cars…
.
I am terrified when it comes to not having enough money for things… And so; not having enough money; is what is terrifying me…
So; I have to learn to believe I have all the money in the world within my imagination; in fact; I must; just like the car; just like the interactions with women; all of it aligning and becoming real in my imagination. And this happens with enough experience using my imagination.
I want to believe Ill have enough money!

.

.
So; I have to work with God and learn how to believe… believe in the face of terror… learn to hang on to my dreams anyway… And that by far is the hardest thing Ive ever done… Nothing scares me more then feeling all of that again.
.
Im remembering a past taken from me. Its all memories when it really shouldn’t have been; not in a decent normal world. So I have to pray and talk to God about this…
.
I was thrown away when young; and it brings all of that up to the for-front… and Im there again re living that.
So; I did not want to go through this; However; I have to learn to trust the process and my senses. My senses might tell me the outside world will not give me what I want or theirs no chance; but in Gods world and Kingdom; God can do all things.
.
God can change me into the person who can have a car; God can create avenues for enough money for a car; what ever that means… sincerely work on this.
.
.
This is a good test for me. At moments like this; where I don’t know where resources are going to come from; this is where I buckled all the time; every-time when young. Now; I learn to trust God in this deep fear…

.

Page 5
Here I am in the middle of a car crisis and economic crisis in the world; where Car prices are crazy; and insurance keeps going sky high; And yet; Im talking about having a car and learning to believe it; with no such income to gain a car or the insurance for one; And thats where I start with God….
.

And didn’t the wright Brothers who created flight; didn’t they go through the same thing. I have to want my dream just like they did… amen! And stick to creating it; Amen.
.
Working with God Universe; Ill have to get inline alignment with what I want where Im at in reality and start their; and I think; that is what God is doing for me! God is aligning me… and that is what is happening right now….
.
God is bringing me a car right now when Im ready for it….
.
.
The point is; do I believe whats going on outside of me; with my senses; being told that theirs a car crunch going on with elaborate prices and sky high insurance… Or do I believe God Universe and my imagination and believe I will get the car I want and the insurance to go with it working with God…
.
Right Now; the first thing I do is learn to believe; for without believing Ill get what I want; I will never get what I want…
I have to work on creating belief; that is the first thing.. and when that happens; new doors open up naturally.
.
So; The work to believe God and focus on God and what God has for me; relative to what the world is telling me; these are 2 completely different landscapes.
.
If I believe God and focus on that; things will happen for me; And I know it; but more then that will, happen for me. Ill begin to dream in the face of the limitations of man and society. And that is what this is all about; its about dreaming according to Gods rules; Universe’s rules; Not Mans, man made rules. NO Thanks, or my senses limited awareness's. according to my senses theirs no way I can have a car; My senses tell me that information would suggest cars or to expensive to buy and to expensive
.

to maintain. Well; Should I play it safe and accept that. Or; Should I work with God and believe so strongly that God helps me to put the focus on what I want not on what I don’t think I can have. If I fight long and hard enough for the thoughts and beliefs of those thoughts that I can get a car and keep one; aligning with my inner being and my guidance system and the universe; We will see if things happen. Things happen I believe; when I believe.
.
NOTE: Cars are all tied up in my childhood and adolescence and youth. Unfortunately; it was all bad; most of it; but it was all demonic. I didn’t know… So; I have to work with God to get through those years; rise above it; and feel safe again… and work with God on a car… amen!
.
This is a good time to forge my beliefs; learn to take responsibility for the work to forge independent internal beliefs regardless of what is actually reported of going on in the world…
.
Page 6

Its the difference of listening to Hope vs Discouragement. Today I want to move beyond believing so strongly in discouragement and move into spaces of a positive nature where I believe God will create pathways for me to have a car and keep a car and I learning to believe God. The goal is Not believing what is going on with my eyes out in front of me; or watching to many discouraging You-tube videos about the car market.
.

I had a discouraging thought; How would I ever afford a car and its insurance and gas and maintenance at the same time when I need food and clothing and apartment and everything else; like video game computer and music computers and so on….. and other things…
How could I maintain a basic life style financially and still have a car; seems impossible on paper.
.
However; the idea being the laws of attraction; to learn to believe anyway… and not give in to what I see with my eyes out in reality; This does not mean being stupid.
I have to do the work to learn to believe in my imagination regardless of what is going on in the world. But the reality of that is a tremendous amount of work to learn to believe in anything; However; Ill continue top0 do so.
.
in the end I become the person that can receive the gifts from God.
.
And Not giving up; God really wanted me to believe in this lesson… to go through; to experience and get stronger from. I have to work with God for my independence…
.
.
S0;
.
WOMEN;
So concerning future women in my life. I was talking to a person yesterday; I told them. The kind of women I want are women who have gone to the local University with Masters degrees in physics and Astronomy. And I wasnt kidding…
.
More n more; it looks like that, the least of the standards; the minimum I can handle… I can handle no less then that.
It hit me this morning with Gods help. Those are the people Im looking for…
.

.

.
These are insights from God….
.
I cant say it any better then this; No Less is what it means… That is the standard level.. That means I have to get up to that standard and thats what Ive always been afraid of…
.

Page 7

How can I expect to attract someone like this; They will never accept me or see me or see my worth. It looks like I have to become that level or I wont attract that level…. I have to work with God to believe.
.
However; I have no choice; that is the standard Im looking for. And I cant drop it. Gods orders.
.
.
In my life Ive attracted good looking people(women); Unfortunately; this did nothing for me. It got me nowhere; Nothing; because these women weren’t the “ Girl Next Door”; The Girl next door is of a much higher quality or frequency… she is of a much higher stability; a higher frequency… And thats where my frequency wants to be; However; I have nothing to show for it. My frequency is inside me where no one can see it… So; I did not attract people according to a frequency.
.
Its my job to let it out a bit with the right group of people.
.
Certainly Im scared; I don’t want those people running me over.
.
Ive been around long enough not to trust anyone….
.
So; I have to trust and work with God… Im sure God has wives for me; but I have no idea who they are. It would make sense they are of a higher frequency; a more responsible stable frequency; its simply higher up in society; but we are talking stability not looks… We are talking; a women with a masters degree in physics; That kind of thing… Because deep down in my heart; thats where I am; thats closer to the real me.
I simply don’t fit into anything less then this; or anything else then this…
.
So; I have to work with God to get this part of my life back in line again; back up to its right frequency. I have allot of work to do…
.
NOTE; I certainly would like to be the first to meet someone with an inner frequency like mine that maybe struggling in life to slowly rebuild themselves; but Ive never found that….
.
So; I see myself as that introvert that would get a Masters degree in physics… Thats who I am on the inside; but no one has ever cared enough to look inside me to see it or value it; No one has ever looked inside before..
.
Thus; the quality of people Im interested in; Im starting to see through Gods eyes maybe; I have to get to a higher frequency of value… higher up… there is no other way….
.
.
And Im scared I will find the same level of corruption in that group….
.

.
So; I don’t know…..
.

Page 8
All my life; Ive been seen as a Monkey and thats all… a Monkey in a tree… But not as a person; and I got nowhere being around those kinds of people.
.
Later; after many 4th steps; I have to ask the question; ? Why am I surrounding myself around these kinds of people”. These type of people are looking for only one kind of person…. They see no value in me; nothing….
.
.
I thought everyone was nice… I was wrong…
.
And no one saw inside me; I meant nothing to them… But I just couldn’t seem to see this….
.
I was hanging around the wrong people who did not see or value someone like me.
.
Now; Im getting it; It doesn’t make anything easier; but it does tell me I have to work with God to find the right people who will value me from the start; Those others; saw nothing in me regardless…
.
Now; Ive got the message; I cant hang around everyone…. Its impossible….
.
The people Ive been around; they will stab a person in the back viciously with no conscious concerning anything.
.
Many of the women in the past Ive dealt with; they were very pretty people; extremely great looking people; And totally vicious and 2 faced and sociopathic pathological, psychopathic traits; some of them; extremely shallow; way to shallow… Not much of human being Im afraid… Many couldn’t tell right from wrong and could care less… They hung around pretty people that couldn’t tell right from wrong and could care less. The question was; What was I doing around them. Why wasnt I on to something new; a new fulfilling life; Well; thats what Im doing now! Besides; that was over 40 years ago in some cases… Im old now!
.
This was not what I was looking for; it did me no good.
.
Looking back; I see; I was attracting people physically; and on that plain. Meaning; they never saw anything in me as a person in the first place. So; it was like attracting a bunch of ghosts and I was a ghost….
.
I was totally let down and confused. With all the women interested in me no matter where I went; I had nobody. No girlfriends; nothing. Now I can see why. I needed to be around well educated family people. I was around the wrong crowd of people. I needed to work with God to find people like me; people struggling who needed help but I wanted a recovery life.
.
What I was looking for was value; people of value; but I was terrified; I was scared I would be thrown away. Why should they see my worth?. No one else ever saw it or cared….
.
WORKING WITH GOD…
.
Working with God gives me insights….
.
.
Page 9
So; the insight Im getting lately is; Find the people of the same value level. I mean; its been
.

.
splashed in my face…
I cant do anything else.
I have to be with only people of the frequency level of value Im speaking of; a higher frequency of decency. And God has to supply; I have to ask God for it; and their it is!@ and that is truly hard; my ego must go…
Id have to hang around and find those people.
.
I wanted this when young; but ended up around the wrong people; My Fault; Go back to God start over and listen this time.; “ But did I really?” I don’t think so.
.
Its seems there is only a specific type of person I like or fit with; a kind of specific sensitive culture of a specific type of people; and I must attract or find those people; and skip the rest. The rest never got me; never understood me; Never nothing… They were good looking people; but attracting people through looks did nothing for me… I still never learned how to go out and find people at my level… Ive just never done it because I went through to much trauma…
.
Ill have to work with God on this…. Truly; this will be my first time; in fact; it feels like my first time at everything.
.
Ive tried to take attractive people into my life; Those that fit the bill attraction wise; and thought they would turn out to be naturally nice people; They were not; They never were; non of them… I did not fit with them; ever…
.
I had no idea I was dealing with a group of people so very far off the mark of who I am; it was like dealing with people from another country and culture… I didn’t even speak their language atho we both spoke the same native tongue…. And I just thought everyone must be kind a nice and coopprative
.
.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
So; the real problem is not all these people I feel estranged to. The problem is me; I was never dealing with the right people in the first place…. I was dealing with people I did not understand… They were not my people; they did not have my values; Yet; I went toward them; instead of doing the hard work and working with God and waiting until my higher frequency could find the right people matching that frequency.
.
Having nothing in common with the inside of people; and at some point; this wont work… They never saw any value in me because they had no values…. Thus; I had no value to them; they were never looking for someone with values like me; They were looking for a thug with what appeared valuable charm… A charm creator; a liar; real values were not necessary….
.
So; This was the wrong group to associate with… they did not have my values; So; who does….
.
Page 10

And working with God…. I have seen a standard; Women with Masters degrees in physics from The University of………..
.
And it may be that, that level introverted intelligent person; is what Im truly looking for….
.
NOTE: I always assumed that if someone was attracted to me; it was because of who I am on the inside; my value; virtue; decency. But that is not the case.
.
First; one has to find people of virtue value and decency; And I was never around groups of people; cultures that valued this. I didn’t know….
.
Now; with Gods help; Now Im starting to know….
.
I have a certain frequency of standard; a standard frequency; And its that frequency I have to follow…
.

.
Ive been more scared of this then anything in life. Its allot easier to be rejected by people of a lesser value then those who Im equal with; Frequency speaking… Im not suggesting Im better then anyone or worse; Im suggesting frequency; Id hate to be disappointed or discouraged again… Id like to meet Family! People God has put in my path that are family.
.
Who are my Family in this life; Those with the same values; my Neighborhood…? Those people with the same internal values; I don’t know!
.
Ill be praying about this…
.
.
This starts out mostly; Not about others but about myself; Getting back on my feet; getting myself up to the standard of the people God has created for me to hang around….
.
I get it; but man; I done know…. Im really scared Ill never be accepted by those people; they will all be stuck-up and want nothing to do with me. So; Ill talk to God about all of this….
.
NOTE: I am old now; So; I don’t know what that means in the real world..
.
What direction to Go and how to get their…
.
.
.
I feel very alone when talking about this subject; a subject of having to take a crest; meaning walking a crest-full mile; meaning a journey; a lonely journey away from people; to the other side of the forests to find new people…. Higher level people that meet my values…
.
And Im scared to death why anyone would want to meet me and value me; They could use anything against me… economics, looks at this point; lack of society cohesion; meaning; Ive been on the outside of society… why would they want anything to do with me…
.
Page 11
I would want to be taken seriously; However I could be taken advantage of; I might be set up by these new people as fast as the old ones set me up; I had no original friends on the North side of my block; That street went into the rich homes; the homes of Richy Rich; And I get it; they always saw me as trash; they were never my friends ever and they never valued me or respected me; Nothing.
Ill have to trust God.
.
.
But the message Im getting from God is; University Women with Masters degrees in physics and Astronomy. And nothing else will do… So; Ill work with God on this and have to learn that I may not get the target right the first time. Ill have to learn what it feels like to be disappointed but trust God and wait for my next turn at things.
.
And Im getting the message. And its a hard message… Ill; have to become what I want to attract… but I am already that kind of person; but I don’t have anything to show for it on the outside… and so God will have to change me… OR I trust God will bring the right people. And that has to do with how I bow down to God and really ask for help; its about having an earnest attempt at working with God and through God… a decent humble lowly position attempt… I have to show I mean it. And I believe.
.
Im also looking for people Im attracted to that God is sending me….. but with this background…
.
I have to be attracted to them…..
.
.
.
.
.
Ill have to step out into the real world at some point… thats truly what Im building up for… to get back out there again; And that is happening… not yet; but Im getting the messages from God and cant deny what God is telling me about what Im looking for.
.
My inner being sees this as well… I guess; Ill have to confront God…
.
.

.
.
SO; WHERE ARE MY GOALS…
.
WIFE;
In my imagination; a 3 dimentional environment opened up… I could not see her; it was blurry; but it had opened up; I saw a thin waist; dress; and pony tail; looked like someone with golden blond hair…. Maybe some makeup on… she was bend down a bit putting something on a Dinning room table; like someone preparing for Thanks Giving Dinner…. Had the feel of a Matisse painting…
.
Later I was thinking of a girl from the past; the first love I had; or was faked upon… but I felt it and aligned with it; Suddenly I saw this other women in the present at the same frequency move inward… over the top or in this others girls place…. Same frequency…. And that is important!
.
Page 12
Thus; Im seeing women start to show up to take her place in my imagination; and that is the Universe; SO; my imagination is creating new women and these signals are sent by God… and I can feel it….at-least at frequency level. Meaning Im manifesting new people at the frequency level of girlfriend potential or future wife….. God is bringing them in.
.
And; They are Asian….. And I would like say; The “ Asian” part; Im just making it up; am I; Im I creating that or is God creating it… I don’t know….
.
My imagination is getting stronger and seems to be creating at the level of relationship; meaning new people; new women are showing up in my imagination at that level; So; things are getting stronger and closer.
.
FAMILY; Strange beginnings appears; strange sayings or concepts; I go to a relatives house for Christmas because Im invited. That is strange and they actually need me! I buy a product of personal importance and they send information claiming to; Thank me for joining their family… Im part of their family now because I bought a product from that company; Im in!
.
SO; its little things showing up. Or; I see myself in a house with my own new family and its much stronger proposition then before… in the reality of my imagination; all things must be seen in my imagination first before they become real in the outside world. I must believe them first before they will manifest in the real world. Its all about working with God and Getting over the gaps in my history so I can grow up and be at a higher level of frequency to meet what it is I desire out in life.
.

I mean; I have to date women again in the right way. Not the wrong way or the wrong women; the right alignment under God first. ( I go through God first and then women are manifested). And then Ill think about family. But I am thinking bout it… having a family; I sure am; but not yet; its more like a simple thought of a 9 year old.

However; In my imagination and maturity levels; and Im at many different levels at different ages..
Im 14 inside; and need my confidence back up to speed and to learn to date the right people this time.
.
In reality Im a old man;
Im senior citizen so; we will see what kind of adult women God brings me. But inside in my maturity; Im a 14 year old that gets to do this again the right way if I want to… And so I want to…
.
I have foundation within my self built from my sacrifices within the recovery process; all under the guidance of the Universe/God… I prayed God delivered.
.
Anyway…. I need more experiences with the right people first; And thus; I have to become the right person for this to happen.
.
.
PAGE 13
.
Healing up from Sexual abuse during those years; is what this is about; starting over; a new landscape… And that is something God is working on….
.
.
Asian Women; Ill talk about it.
.
Years ago; under the laws of attraction; I studied the idea of a soulmate. And I meditated; and with many many moons of exploration and aligning with the universe; and much time and attention to detail and working under God; It became apparent that my inner being wants to marry; And it appears the universes idea for women for me are; Asian… Atleast I think so… Im suggesting the universe has spoken and given me many pieces of evidence to believe this; However; This could mean many things. God might be doing this for not so obvious reasons. God has not brought me anyone that is Asian..
So. But then Ive not started a real search in the real world under God; Im still working on getting up to speed as self! So; I don’t know…
.
I have appeared to attract some Asian women… But; what is that; a few minute experiment. What does it mean. Could mean nothing. Could be day dreaming in my imagination.
.
I really don’t know what to think here. So; Ill just keep working with God….
.
.

However; the section about Asian women; I don’t know; I have no idea what that means…. I don’t know if its real; meaning from God. I don’t know… Ill have to keep working with God on this…
I don’t know what it means….
.
NOTE: I do remember this Asian girl from along time ago; and I do see her in my heart and imagination… and I do feel things for her and its inline with authenticity of actually having deep feelings for someone or a crush; Something I didn’t even know I had maybe or didn’t want to know or accept or admit to. But now its kind of aligning… But Its all in my imagination; Its not nothing that is manifesting in front of me right now… I think its good Im thinking this way… But I I don’t know if that is really Gods will for me out in reality. It was about 12 years ago… and I never had any words with her; technically she was a complete stranger and remained that way. Am I grabbing at leaves as the float by; am I trying to give them more value or Importance then they are. Maybe; I don’t know. God knows. And God will bring the right people...
.
.
NOTE: Learning to believe; Manifesting out in reality where things actually start to show up; Houses; Women, Wives, families, cars n trucks; Money; Education picks; choices; occupations. The success use of talents… and Hobbies and so on…. Things showing up in the real worlds spilling over…
Nothing speaks more real to me then; Being in a college taking course toward something I want… I actually want; Like Astronomy maybe. Or, Women showing up; or money. Skiing showing up. Constant things like the money for car insurance; that kind of thing; A car! Independence… The ability to create real and big works of art and music and writing… Finished and put out into the world… connecting and interacting with the world…
.
Page 14
I don’t know… if something materializes; then it materializes. Nothing has happened yet to indicate Someone I might like or even be introduced to; would have an Asian background. I have had some indications that this could be Gods will for me; but that was only in my imagination and in speculation; not out in the real world tho; Yet! So; I don’t know…..
.
I will see who shows up….. if n when that happens. I like the laws of attraction; and I like whats happening in my imagination; but its still only in my imagination; nothing in the real world…. This might be an indication of who NOT to go near… Who knows; its feels more like a Disney Land channel anymore concerning my future relationships if I even have any..
.
So; their it is… Until I see the money; I cant report on it…. And thats Oke…
.
.

CAR;
.
For the first time; cars started to get allot closer to me in my imagination.
.
.

.
The other day; I had a situation where Cars had a purpose suddenly and I felt it; the closeness and purpose of a car… something I related with that I would need a car for….
.
Suddenly in my imagination; I could feel the chrome or steal up close to my face; like the door of a car; it was very close up next to my face; I could see it and feel it very close and intimate….
And its never been that close before…
.
.
Suddenly the idea of growing independently with car stuff and car on my mind of interest; this is starting to happen; its like the 15 or 16 year old in me is INTO CARS; he should be. Cars are independent things… things of independence; and that would start at ages 13 to 17 or something… Independence can cost; money time labor… So; its a time in a boys life he get a job to pay for things he wants bad enough. And this is something that never happened for me; I was thrown away and cut off from everything.
.
So; just as a natural move forward for a 14 year old boy with his friends to get into cars; Im starting to do that thing naturally now. And this is a true miracle. Its a miracle to be at this level. Of being able in my imagination; that teenager moving forward with interest in getting his first car and getting into cars…. That natural progression I missed in my real teenager years when young; but now its showing up because Ive asked the universe for it to show up; and it is showing up and I am showing up for it as well… Im showing up because Im at this place of being interested in this frequency and maturity of this thing. I want the maturity that goes with a wanting to learn about how to to have my own car; What will cost… ; Ive moved forward a few months in my interest to pursue an interest in maturity.
.
You-tube channels; dealing with Automobiles… This is also happening; learning from auto channels online…..
.
Page 15
Why is this so important; its important because Im taking independent responsibility for my car interests and ill pay for them with time and labor and effort.
.
In my young life I had relatives that were into cars and they kind of took care of my car for me; I could not do much; mental problems…
Today; I don’t have to have older relative help me. Today Ill get involved in my own car interests as anyone who wants to grow up… I think cars are bout growing up.. At-least from my angle of things…
.
Ive had thoughts come to me about car; I don’t know what they mean.
.
1. I can carry a mountain bike in themselves
2. 3500 dollars…
3. maybe a car of my favorite color. But this color thing; I don’t think its from the universe; Im not feeling anything. I might just glide through the color… I don’t know what color the universe wants for me.

.
.
HOUSE;
In my imagination; I saw a frequency or was at a frequency where I easily saw a family of people invite me in to live with them; pay rent at their home… What does this mean?; well; its a new level of thought for me. Is it real; I don’t know. I certainly was completely open and natural; but new…
I somehow don’t think so; but I what I think; its a thought level; So; it means my thinking is expanding in the Universe…
This is an advanced movement within my imagination; concerning living in a room in someones house. I have no idea what it means tho; we will see…
.
MUSIC AND ART
God; teaching me how to break things down into parts; into dry basic brittle parts…
.
Dry parts… And working on them in reality….
.
With no emotion. Im just getting the job done….
.
and I can just paint by numbers….
.
and keep working at it… mindless kind of; work; getting the work parts done…
.
That means the producing; the production….
.
Getting the production done… getting everything up to a certain standard… and their it is…
.
.
.
Keeping things at a hi standard….
.
That means evenness…
Page 16
.

.
I mentioned at a meeting this morning; Im getting closer to facing the things I want… Im getting closer facing God; and in turn God is suddenly bringing life closer…
.
Facing women of a certain educational level; University with masters degrees in Astronomy is a whole other situation… Ill pray about that; Even talking about that is freaking me out… So…
.
.
And something else happened in my imagination from the work Im doing… Something else that got me closer to women or meeting them in general..
.
And the way Im interacting with women right now. I was at a party tonight and interacting… unfortunately they were not women God had led me to… But I did flirt and talk and so on… So; my flirting interacting abilities are coming back… They could be a lot better; Im not really close with any women; Im kind of on the outside; I think my confidence for that kind of thing; trust and working on it with people in general; trusting the human race; It will get better… Im much more approachable. Ill keep working on it… I will; but this is where it really hurts and its trepidatious.

NEXT STEP; Working on the affects of dissociation concerning socializing with people and socializing with women… and trusting becoming friends…
.
Writing about it; after all the interaction yesterday… Im starting to open up…
.
But something else happened. A women came up to me; someone who shows up as a spiritual teacher and a kind of guide at times; and the things she said; it was almost as if Jesus sent her to me as a guide tonight for a little while.
.

.
Ill pray about meeting women. … that place of inter-activeness…

.
Ill pray about everything…
.

.
Ill pray about starting over… Starting over at a newer higher authentic frequency… And that is truly where Im headed I believe; but I only get what I earn under God; Jesus; Universe; Holy spirit and his legions of Angels that act as protectors and guides for me…
.

.
When young; I lost everything….
.
.
.

page 17
I can see possibly setting into my music again just a bit…
.
Its up to me to put the work out; thats all that matters; I have to slow down and actually put the effort out to actually write something down and to write something down that makes sense… amen
.
.

.
.
I was looking at past situations and something from the universe came to me. If I had commitment to things; I would have been involved in them. Commitment was to hard because I was all alone and no one had to care.
I thought of girls I liked. I would have been committed to them but they were the wrong girls. Ive never found the right ones to even associate with; decent one; No one! I guess Ive been around the wrong crowd of people; no one saw my worth… No one ever saw me; nothing….
.
So… I never opened up.
.
Its the same for music creation. I never finished a song; thus; I could not do anything with it. The problem was; I wanted to know what I was committing for before I committed to learning the song; What For!
.
However; that may not have been the best thought out process as I never got started in anything either way…
Its like Ive never learned a song; Ive never really tried; Ive had my problems with trauma and that has caused a great deal of problems…
.
So; Ill pray about it.
.
I can see that if I had been dedicated to things; maybe things would have happened.
.
Let me explain. Music!
.
Its about work ethic; learn a song; learn it completely; go play it somewhere; That is suppose to be the work ethic I need to learn.
.
In this case; its better to learn one song a million times until I get it down.
.
I have not done that. That is my biggest obstacle. It keeps me in fantasy land and an unreal state of music creation in the real world.
.
Im not a musician. Ive not been able to finish one song. I have to work with God on it to finish one song; thats what I need.
.
I tried under trauma when I was young; I tried to do well in school; I was all alone; it was impossible. No one cared. I was thrown away at age 9; So; no one cared.
.

Page 18
I could not handle the trauma the stress of being all alone.
.
However, Im starting to see it… I need to learn that the whole of the concept is not real until it is finished. What does that mean. It means; pic one song and finish it.
.
Pic any song; memorize it to the point I can play it backwards and forwards… And their it is; Ill will have learned what I need to learn to perform. If I don’t learn this; For what ever reason is stopping me; and they are many many reasons; It all stops here in fantasy stage; it never goes to reality. Im just Hobbying around; Im taking nothing serious…
.
I never commit to anything…
.
Its kind of heading to that; to be a committed person.
.
Ill work with God on it…
.
No work ethic; no go!
.
And in this case; the work ethic is simple.
.
Learn one song; learn it upside down and backwards; but get this strong responsible work ethic in tact; where I horse comes before the cart; where the work comes before the pay… The priorities come before the parties.
.
Im missing a work ethic in everything; including relationships. I never committed to any or anyone or anything. Nothing…
.
The problem is; Ive never committee to anything after a got thrown away…
.
My biggest complaint was; why should it. I had no one to commit to… And I had no feasible occupation to care about.
.
Did I try to find the right relationships; the right decent people to associate with; NO! I was 2 scared of being scammed. Set up by con artists…
.
In music… the same dissociated state shows up clearly. I claim I want to be a composer musician without first doing the one thing that sets a musician on their real course; Learning the material.
.
Im unprofessional completely; to the point; Im just dabbling around but I want others to take me seriously when I wont even take myself seriously enough to learn one song all the way through.
.
Until I accomplish this; NO GO; nothing will ever come of my curious interest in fooling around with sounds… Nothing has ever come of it because of this shabby work ethic.
.
What will it take to make this a priority
.

Page 19
At this point; With out this work ethic and the ability to learn a song completely first; Im sunk; no reason to ever take myself seriously again… Not that I ever did in the real world; I never functioned or made commitments in the real world
.
So; Ill start praying about this; see if I cant get a hold on this. Amen…
.
MONEY;
Money is something I have to learn to manifest…

The reality of the Day!

Who is online