September 2025
August 2025
As I slowly allow the past to seep through me to find answers I continue to wake up.
.
The girl up the street. My first love.
.
More n more as I wake up; the girl up the street is no more than a criminal.
.
The question was; why was I going after a criminal. And that should be looked at as the number 1 issue.
.
Many things in the beginning of this process indicate trouble or their will be trouble.
.
One of the unfortunate situations here; I was taken.. conned; that's all this was. I just never thought of it; or thought of it happening to me. From my perspective; I had convinced myself through false evidence that what was going on in front of me was real. I created in my mind what I wanted to believe was happening by creating a visual in my mind of what I wanted to believe was going on out in front of me.
.
If the girl smiled; I assumed she was smiling at me; I was wrong. And their lies the denial. And in that simple statement is all the base of this work. My denial and why I'm having such a hard time accepting it.
One reason I'm having a hard time accepting it is the pain associated with the reality behind this situation; if I let it go... what does that mean about me if I let it go; who I really am; who I really was; a lost throw away; not accepted. I wanted and needed to be accepted by that girl up the street. That is another area of interest because it establishes me in the middle class safety blanket of society. If I'm accepted; I'm still in tact. And my dreams of meeting a girl I can thrill and love is still intact. So; I'm still showing signs of personal power in the world.
.
Here's the deal; I see her in my mind; her eyes and her innocence. I'm in correct by these views. What I collected about her is in correct; she is a criminal. I had to take in the information about her when I saw her; what attracted me to her; And Ill talk about this in a minute; what attracted me to her; and I was wrong. I was mistaken and incorrect. I was ignorant arrogant and dumb...
.
.
I felt something associated with the way she looked; and their it is; I was wrong; 100% off. And that's what I want to talk about in general.. The fact finder concerning this person was in correct; I had found incorrect information. I needed a nice girl who would represent my worth and power in society; showing Id made it; I was back... I was loved and connected; I was somebody; so; the girl up the street was my first victim. I was not invited to meet her; not the real her. It was assumed I was just another person meeting someone... and that was a mistake. I had no business meeting a criminal; And again; there it is..
.,
Most of this problem stems from the beginning of my chosen misalignment. I manipulated the situation from the beginning by choosing to see this person anyway I wanted to... And their is the using and objectifying of a person for my own uses. I wanted control. I wanted to abuse and control her. Take out all my pain on her the way my parents had taken out all their hatred on me by abandoning me; I thought I had found a victim I could manipulate. She turned out to be a criminal and that ruined everything. I wanted a nice girl to manipulate not a criminal; criminals are fake. I was faked out. I was faked out from the start; right from the very start and never saw it; And this also caused great hatred in me because of my pride. I was kicked to the street from the start never being accepted for the middle class nice kid I was. I was just as good as anyone else. Why did I have to prove it to someone. Unfortunately; I was not dealing with nice middle class people; I was dealing with a house full of criminals who were unethical. I found myself witnessing how the adults neglected there children but was that any business of mine. No; It was not my business; it was another family; and again; I'm finding myself up and around another family system... ID done this before. I go and find other family systems to survive and adapt. What I really want is to go home. I don't want anything to do with anyone I just want to go home or die... I don't want anymore of this.
.
Some how within my faulty thinking I associated this girl up the street with something. I was not originally invited around this girl to associate anything with anything concerning this person; she was a stranger and I was not suppose to meet her in the first place. Even in this half paragraph something is wrong; the intent of; " Do I really believe what I'm writing; what I just said; that I'm innocent"; I'm not; I'm the criminal.
.
I'm the criminal that went after someone innocent and I got pounced on.. it didn't work. I didn't get away with it and I'm bent out of shape about it and I was crushed and destroyed and my confidence was even more destroyed.
.
I had gotten nowhere. I was not accepted. The problem tho is this. I kept trying to make this criminal into something else; into a nice person. the reason I was not accepted is because this was a criminal. This family system was criminal; I had no business up and around it; And in my writings its almost pathological that I skip this fact; Thats the problem. I'm not feeling the right n wrong of finding myself interested in ignoring that this was a system of criminals and of course no good or reason will come of this; but also; Ill be destroyed very quickly. I seem to have no regard for my own safety as if my ignorance and arrogance will see me through.
.
Id become so dissociated that I could not tell right from wrong anymore; or more importantly; I wanted love so badly and to be connected I would be around anyone that would take me. I would find myself around anyone and just make the best of things; well; That didn't work this time; these people didn't like free loaders and I was out. I had to learn not to do that anymore; This time there were consequences. And I wasn't learning. I was not in nice neighborhoods. And I didn't know these people. They were a bunch of criminals and felt like I fit in just nicely; I could hide there with these backward people; but in reality; they never asked me to fit in with them nor needed me to fit in with them.
ITs all ego; all of this. any idea of thinking I was being asked to fit in; meaning; the real me; any concept of this is insane. Why would any criminal know who I really am. What am I doing and where can I go. Where was I suppose to go and around whom. I'm assuming now that I look at this as; I've got to escape the system I'm living in at the time and find help; that would be through the state I assume; I don't know where else I would go to get authentic registered help. Instead I through myself out into other family systems to be taken care of and it backfired... And they were not a system of nothing more then criminals. And thus it backfired very quickly. They were strangers; strangers to people like me...
.
These were criminals; thus I need to wake up and feel scared. I need to wake up and feel horrified and see myself when young hiding under the bed in the house I was living in until I could get help; Not prancing up to some Stanger groups of people around the area and just sitting in with them. I needed real help. And in this last half paragraph I'm still not telling the truth; I'm still have reservations about the truth and going against it even in the face of the truth; so; I haven't learned my lesson yet; to wake up to reality; haven't learned it yet. I'm learning; I'm working on learning.
.
Through laziness I created a fictitious character that did not exist. I imposed this character open someone unknowing and tried to make them into my girlfriend; it backfired. I had found myself around a bunch of criminals and it was to late.. I was already in. I was just looking for a nice girl with a nice family so I could live out a normal life or feel like I was living a normal life because I was worth it. What I didn't know as reality of the outside world; it did not fit what was going on in my head. It was a different place.
.
I seem to think I don't have to deal with work. Working at things and paying for things; I get them free; I'm not talking about state help or disabilities or medical things or psych things or the law or lawyers and such. I'm talking about social things with others. I live in this dream world and I'm going to walk out into the world in this dream world and have it all delivered to me the way I want it. YEs; this is possible under God in Gods kingdom; but not in the rest of the world; the rest of the world is evil and doesn't care about what happens to me.
.
God will take care of me if I go to God first and work with God to become earnest with God and then things happen; until then I better hide under the bed and never leave my home...
.
I had a problem understand the realities of where I was at in life. I walked around in a dissociated state of mental illness and found myself around bad people that did not care who I was or what happened to me... And I have a hard time with Pride; that this actually happened and its my fault when that's exactly what it is; it did happen because I made it happen and it was my fault. And the evidence shows that because of laziness and wanting easy pleasure; I thought I could just meander up to someone's house and take what I want; but it backfired this time; someone discovered I was a lazy loser going nowhere in life... I was a fake and I got busted. I tried to wonder into someone's house and they found out and I got busted and thrown out; they didn't want a hobo living off them and so they through me out; What did I learn; I learned that that didn't work or didn't work anymore; they were not the state mental health facility. If I wanted state help I needed to go to DSHS and ask for help. And that's where the pride came in. I wasn't asking anyone for help; because I didn't want to accept that was part of my life at the time. I was a throw away and everything under me had changed and I needed to get state help to learn how two survive.
.
As for the girl up the street; there was no girl up the street; I had taken a stranger without her permission and within my mind turned her into what ever I wanted or needed within my mind. I never told her; and never told her anything. And that didn't even work. I was kicked out; no one was interested in me and no one cared what happened to me; and they shouldn't have; that didn't work here; I never established myself with these people; I was a bum hanging around them for nothing more then a place to park for the night or day when I got bored because I had no place to go; no family and didn't know what to do.. I was already so destroyed from PTSD and dissociation and avoidance personality disorder; certainly the monsters who owned the house I was sleeping at didn't care if I got any kind of help concerning anything... They didn't care and I didn't know what to do...
.
I had no ideas and I was completely passive; no ability to fight back or function; I'm still this way; very much subdued by my condition but re learning how to fight a little and get back into some kind of game again; trying. No one understands; not the local people; but I'm slowly making progress they don't understand.
.
So; Slowly as I write the truth is slowly surfacing...
.
.
.
I was at a meeting and all Im doing is checking in; all the work is done outside the meeting and I go and report in general how my higher power is helping me and How I stay in touch with my higher power.
.
.
Trauma Bond; to sexual abuser; This is a most hideous and important issue; that is causing allot of the problems of continued interest in some aspects of my past.
.
Some aspects of my past were never meant in Gods Kingdom to be taken from me or that experience destroyed; that was done by the secretiveness of the psychopaths.
.
SO; the trauma bond to the people of the past; it must go so I can surface and take over my personality.
My personality is the same one being abused and used by those of the past. I'm reliving it all the time; that's all everything is; and the same street I grew up partially on..
.
So; I have the basic work of my personality being ruptured by being taken off my street when young; my whole young life; and Ill have to ask God what to do about this..
.
continue to relive what I was trauma bonded with and whom; and its relived everyday over n over n over. Now; I'm looking for safe places to let it out and just sit and feel safe and learn to let it pass within my mind so I can feel safe; to get to this new place; and this is a place beyond the 12 step groups. And that's what I'm looking for... I feel like I've hidden in those rooms for a third of my life and I'm fine with that; but I still haven't grown past the past... I've been able to work through the trauma based problems dealing with the past; the symptoms of trauma illness. I'm much better but still infected or affected. I'm still me.
.
So; I'm trying to create a new me in the present.
.
I'm trying to get me back; not the victim of crimes back. I'm trying to get beyond where I sink under my conscious mind into a broke abused person. I'm trying to take over those parts of self and be present again with no past running the show. or my response to it.
.
.
I'm going from dry drunk to reality. Poor me Poor me Pour me another drink beyond this from victim to reality.. I'm getting closer but not... Still have to over come " IT"; The giant frozen wall...
.
SO; some sanity is trying to show up along side the abused person.
.
I have some goals; Im trying to get to a point of going out into the real world and trying some things; its a thousand times harder for me because of dissociative disorder. The reality is; at the core; I can hardly stay present or touch anything. Or even think about getting close to anything; not after what happened with the monsters when young; I'm to ruptured.
.
I'm a ruptured person trying to get other parts of my life back and back together and learning to have less fear and go out in this disabled state and try new things; but I am disabled and so its a 1000 times hard for me to do anything out there. However, I will try and try to accept the real me in this condition trying to do things; thus; not beating myself up.
.
.
The goal is to keep to my goals; keep going until I'm connected to the outside world again. Its already starting. Its very ruptured and small but its real. really small REAL. But its real.
.
The problem is; way down inside its still ruptured; nothing has changed the level of weakness... I'm a ruptured person that aught never go outside again or be around any other humanoids ever again... Anyone of them...
.
So; I'm trying to live my life again.
.
So; The outside world is what I'm working towards... with God's help. where I fit in.
.
I get it; I'm trying to work past; through the PTSD... Thats the best way to describe all this.
.
As for relationships of the past; They don't exist; its all PTSD; In reality; there never were any. I found or sought out different people; They never gave me any signals of liking me or having any interest in me; I used my sales skills to make it so; They just went along with it for a minute or hour or day; they had no interest in me and no involvement; I meant nothing to them.. Certainly looking back I made a fool out of myself for ever getting around these people without their permission. They did not give me permission; I lied and conned my way in in all cases. I was not myself and then attract these people; They saw nothing in me; They were complete strangers that aught to have stayed strangers who I had nothing in common with and no values hitting the same frequency. IT was as if we came from 2 different Heavens and sets of beliefs... And I'm not sure they came from heaven but ya know; its non of my business and never was; my business was to get on with my own life and seek out the help I needed doing so.
.
I'm just now waking up to the idea of career and what I'm suppose to do with my life... going after it. I've spent most of my life looking back and dealing with loss and pain and trying to get back what was stolen from me or dealing with the injuries of such situations.
.
Now; I would like to move forward.
.
.
.
A for the Girl Up The Street; There is no girl up the street; Yes; a real person existed at that address; but I know nothing more about them; even if I conned and lied my way into their house once. And that's all it was. But for some reason; my narcissistic brain over imagined a complete false world with that girl in it; Unbelievable. The first thing that has to happen is she has to get out of my head; the imagined persona that never existed. I want it out because I used this false person as a crutch to day dream on so I didn't have to face any really challenge to gain anything real when it was presented to me. I just kind of dreamed my life away and cried my life away from the losses of my past. I don't mean to be so ruthless with myself; However, at this point I'm going to be a little bit because the child in me has to be put in his place... and I have to take over.. and as for me taking over; no such relationship with any girl who lived up the street existed; it never did and never happened; its the child's imagination in me creating a scenario he always wanted and it was a place to escape to within my mind; the problem was; the day dream needed to stop and I needed to get help so I could come back and learn to build something real. Work with therapists at the time. But I didn't have any of that. All I had were delusions. And all i have now are delusions; However; they are mixed with recovery and thus things may be possible now that didn't exist when much younger. Some things; if my ruptured raped mind can get better from fear terror and trauma; might be able to try at least something out in the real world.
.
I'm feeling the bulling effect; another guy at the meeting sat next to my stuff; I was away; sitting so close to me; he expected I would have to get up and leave. He thought he could just push my stuff and me out of the way; I allowed and moved away. I sat somewhere else; no trouble no problem. These idiots actually believe adults can be pushed around; they seem to have no clue about the real world. For me to survive in those places I have to be passive get up and leave go somewhere else when their is trouble. Keep praying.
.
I remember being bullied in high school and before; realizing now I had no father; that was a perfect stranger that was taking advantage of a bunch of kids as if it was someone Elses family and he had no ties to it. I had utterly no idea when I was younger what these people were; I assumed they were a mother and father; I did not know they were monsters; The kind I would see on the crime channel on YouTube. No idea.
.
I was bullied for a while in those meetings for about year. I kept notes if I need them for each incident incase I need to go to the police for any reason. I could have gone to the police already. Psychopaths don't change.. if they think they can get away with it; they will; its a thrill for them; they think they have free market to hunt and no one will do anything about it. My issue is being at meetings; I don't want to rock the boat. But I can at any time. But not yet; I'm not well enough; I still need the meetings; I'm still supported by them; I'm not well; Not from the dissociative disorder.
.
.
I'm watching on YouTube; this guy fooling around with machines. Very cool; he's a pro who works for a corporation that makes some of them; he likes to hook them together to make them a creative unit and make creative things from them; really cool to watch. Cool how he has them stored and organized. And can go home and flip a flew buttons and levers and make everything work; then hook in a computer to run everything through software.
.
Hes good at all this because he wants to be. He gets off on it; its his thing. I wish I felt safe enough to have a thing. To want to; to feel good enough to have a thing. I'm working on it; to get to know something well enough to be good at it; I'm hoping God will work with me to help me come back to reality so I can feel safe enough and present enough to protect and take care of myself to do such things.
.
.
So; back to the Girl up the street. Its completely possible that I woke up while around her. Suddenly I was someone with God on my side and she was not that nature of a person; she was a complete stranger; or; she would be the kind of person to have someone attack me in school at the time because I was a weakling; she would try to bully me indirectly because she had no respect for me thinking I'm a weakling. Once she thought this she had no interest in me what's so ever; for any reason; because it would appear I was on the nice side of life with decent people Pure evil; that's what those people were. I had to look at the situation; they were their because they wanted to be; people like this; they were bullies of people; no conscious; no right or wrong. I felt stuck; Do I save her; and then it hit me; There was no one to save; the person I thought I was going to save did not exist. She was a criminal minded. It seems like she turned an became criminal minded; and then it hit me; Ill look back to when I met her and her family; Wait! Here family had always been that way. I thought she was neglected and abused because no one loved her and thus I was going to love her; BIG MISTAKE. No one asked me to love her; Did God ask me to love her... Something was off and wrong.
Later; I was heart broken. I loved someone that did not exist;
Its always horrible and humiliating to fall for a narcissist sociopath or criminal minded sociopath because no one is really there; I mean; I just fell in love with myself; I was looking at a merrier. ITs the most horrible bizarre humiliation... Its so embarrassing and degrading.
.
Some how I found God again and I didn't know it.
.
As I wake up now with God again; from all the work I've done; I'm remember when young; Thats what happened then; I found God again or God found me and was trying to get me out of there; where I was suppose to go I don't know.
.
Suddenly the world was against me from all sides. Suddenly I meant nothing to this girl; it was if we were on 2 different sides of the world. She did not want to change; I could not believe what I was seeing; I began to wake up that she did not have any problems; just ask her; she was fine with who she was and her family... I was then treated like a weakling... I got out of there...
.
I began to change; I became anti social against everything around me; but then; I was deeply with God... And that is why. Looking back; strangely I understand. I was in so much pain.
.
I loved that girl so much; with all my heart; seemed to come from God. She was my enemy because she was the enemy of God..
.
God was trying to get me out of there and save my life. And I did; I fell away. I did contact her a few more times; but it was useless; I meant nothing to her as I am...
.
.
Now; being way way way old man. I can kind of wake up and see...
.
This was truly another dangerous situation to be in... and God got me out of there completely; completely changed the inside of me from inside out. And thus; I became the enemy of anyone that was indifferent to God.
.
I realized later what had happened; later in recovery. But looking back; I realized then; what had happened. I became the weakling that should be bullied in school. In reality; I was coming back to being a human being again. I so wanted to take her with me. But she was never with me from the start. That kind of thing; This is not the kind of thing someone sweeps someone off there feet. In a sense; when I realized she was the equivalent to a murderer. I slowly backed away and did not come back. I was totally confused and felt betrayed by God... I was so broken hearted and disappointed.
There would be no first love for me; nothing existed but a nightmare I had to walk away from because I head picked someone so handicapped as a human being; there's no way this person could ever have a relationship with anyone sane or normal or decadent; this person wasn't even safe to be within 100 miles of.
.
If I saw her today; nothing would change; Shes on the other side; the evil side and that's not something for someone to save someone from; that is not a realm God sends me into... God does not send me to evil people; I send me to evil people.
.
.
.
.
Here's the deal; Why am I dealing with all of this; because it was buried from mental illness to keep me alive... Now; I'm dealing with all of it slowly. When I first started; dissociative disorder did not allow me to remember her.. nothing or her house or the whole area or the town; nothing; I was not allowed to or the school or the time periods... Nothing. Not allowed to remember.
.
I was in therapy for 10 years first? and I began to remember many things; it had just started; the cloud began to slowly slowly inch open... I would have to go through numerous more years of solid everyday mental recovery work to get to a place where suddenly being able or having permission to go into there was granted by my nervous system or brain or God.
.
For those who don't know. And I know this from my mental conditions; my stomach runs me; This is where my nervous system brain is located; in this area. and it is in this area that pulls me one way or the other when the dissociative condition is trying to protect me; it is truly the great protector and thinking for protection of the system; it is not my brain in my head; it is from the middle of me.
.
Now Im beginning to remember how I changed then; because now I'm changing again back into that person; the person that began to become anti social toward everything at that time. I'm now changing into that again because I'm waking up with God again and suddenly others can see it; they have no use for me or control over me; and they are evil... and I am not wanted anymore.
.
.
And this is what happened with the person I considered my best friend when young; They wanted to be in control. They were criminal minded; suddenly they saw I was not and they came in on me like wolves...
.
The horrible heartache of loving someone that did not exist. I loved the concept of someone that was decent and wanted to be rescued toward God and loved because she was sensitive and innocent.
.
Suddenly I realized she was not; and I had created a narrative about her that never existed.. And I thought; My God; What is really going on here; what have I done; Who did I lie to get close to these people now; why did I bother. The whole thing was a mistake.
.
And I only met her when I met her; I knew nothing else about her past; who she was... nothing. And funny; now I ask. I mean; if I had asked then; I would have never stepped a foot near her or her family/ I would have ran for my life. And I never even asked the question; that's because I was still living from several years before when very young... I was living as if I was still in my home town and nothing had happened. I would be slaughtered from all of this. And I would leave the area.
.
.
I can feel the deep divide that would help to cause much deeper dissociative disorder.. I had no one with me; no one to care or talk to; nothing.
.
All I know; I was destroyed from all of it... that time period; and many others. And now Im waking up to live it again or to look at it and go through it. Get the deepest level of it and feel it; and its horrible anger and fear and loathing and aloneness.
.
I'm with God now as I wake up and at a very deep deep level there is another me of fear and hatred and anger and loathing from these other time periods buried; and as I wake up I will deal with them and become me again and hopefully a more confident person who can participate in his own life.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Ralphleave, Shraunyys
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ THe girl up the street and other things
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.023s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.53
Time : 3.023s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.53