Slowly moving outward....

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jan 08, 2024 4:53 pm

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Next step forward…
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The past has been conquered basically.
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Sexual abuse is still an issue; still dissociates my mind. However; many other aspects of my past that held me back; They have been conquered. And some very important life rendering areas; areas of importance have been conquered…
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This means Im free to move forward.
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NOTE: Family; working through past family system…

The next step is creating pathways in my mind; foot steps to the starting line.
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The starting line represents myself in the present; starting in the present with no past. I now will be working very slowly on this; slowly building foot steps into the present back in forth to the starting line. This journey From where Im at to the starting line; I have no idea; I mean; it could take 6 months; I don’t know what it means. I know Im at this place…
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The end result will pull me up to speed to the starting line. And I will reinforce this starting line area with Gods help. All of this done in my imagination and on paper writing stories about it as if its already happened. Also; drawing foot steps over bridges that go over gaps to the starting line. And then I imagine walking that trail in first person POV. In detail; visualizing everything. Creating pathways from where Im at; Im at a Pre starting position; its like Im 10 miles behind the starting line. Im OK; but I have to work my way through that 10 miles of jungle to the starting line. And this no mans land will take time to master.
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12 step groups;
The problem I have with 12 step groups are the stalkers and other people. I just assume Ill get better and go to less of them. Ill talk to God about it; Lots of deceptive people at times… Others that don’t know me that have judged me. Have no idea who I am…
As I grow and mature; Im not sure I want to spend my time in those places for more specific recovery. Im starting to get smarter and my worth is shifting to an up whirl swing. The meetings keep me alive and connected; Now; I want something better and safer if I am to get better or up to speed.
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At the starting line; What will I be doing?
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Ill be planning or set forth on some goals. Any goals I work with God. Occupation, money, women, getting in shape; I don’t know. Im way over weight right now.
Basically; my league is a simple basic lowly league level; strange league; Think bowling ally level. Its basic. And from this realistic league level; I don’t expect anything on the trails Im walking. Ill have to work with God to adapt to what ever it is Im doing and want. I wont expect anything; nothing. Ill learn whats required and do it. Ill stop and learn how to do it; no one owes me anything. Ill learn.

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Ill work with God… Ill stay right sized… Thats what I love about my league level; its so low; its at the level of a bowling ball being thrown down a bowling lane… How much lower can I get; However; think of the bowling lane; Its still housed. Its still lighted and their a solid smooth floor. So; things are taken care of… and Ill learn how to take care of things; Ill work with God. And at that league level; that is not much to ask… I mean. Ill be working with God and have some goals and work toward them… and their it is. I have to do the work; No expectations; How could their be.
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Ill be working toward goals and Ill learn how to adapt to what the terrain Im working on… I cant say this any simpler… my nervous system and reality is being trained to think and feel like this. Im simply

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an independent person who wants to go down a journey; How does anyone owe him something… Nothing. I don’t need anyone to owe me anything.
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I will work with God on what I want… and Ill start out at the starting line and begin. Ill begin in my imagination.
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GROWING UP LEARNING HOW TO HANDLE REJECTION AND PROBLEMS LIKE AN ADULT>
I don’t know how to handle things as an adult. I know how to kill myself; I know how to use drugs n alcoholic. I know how to avoid and throw everything away; I know how to hide. Im not sure how to hold it together; hold my ground. How do I get rejected and not let it bother me; keep working with God. What happens if I lose or Im not successful. What happens if I land a women and she wants someone else or something better? My God; I just cant let it destroy me like it did when I was young. Ive got to work with God and let God come up with the plan for this; This will take some respect and humbleness on my part to allow Gods pathway to supply the answers and I stay out of this. Stay out of it.
NOTE: Being much older now; I mean; Ill deal with rejection all the time… So; Ive got to grow up. Trust God… Get help…
one of the biggest problems has been; I take my will over again; Pride. I don’t turn to God and let it be Gods will that shows me how to handle things; be teachable. Im getting their…
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Ill talk to God about this. This is where I have allot of anger and arrogance and strife… rigidity. Its got to be my way or the highway… So; Ill need lots of recovery in this area. Ill work with God on this!
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So; My next move is with God. Its about prayer I think; and meditation. And keep writing new stories; slowly working my way into a new way of thinking… Its about God… its about working with the universe and strengthening this… I think this will be where the work is for awhile…
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IM GETTING CLOSER:
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Im not sure how to describe my situation. I still need to go to meetings but at some point I wont. Im already growing out of them.
I was at meetings today. Im slowly walking away and not needing them.
Im getting better. I still need more time; Ill work with God on this for this transition and trust God on this…
Ive gotten better… The meetings are not easy… Its getting to a point they are impossible.
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Im getting close… Ill pray about what I need to do.
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I would like to get to the point that I finally am filled enough I just start getting up in the morning and not need to go to them; I can instead; find what Im looking for somewhere else in society…
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Im not sure what Im expecting from 12 step meetings; Im looking to get filled in or filled up. I still need more.. Not done; not sure what I will get out of if; information; new way of thinking. Just more recovery process.
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Meetings help with dissociation problems.
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MAKING IT OUT OF THE MEETINGS: IT HAS BEGUN…
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So; As I get better and understand my recovery at the moment; Im showing signs of coming out of the meetings…
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Im now showing signs of getting better…
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PROBLEMS: Criminals…
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Ive been around lots n lots of different marginal people and some outskirt anti social criminals; out on the fringes getting recovery…
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Ive gotten a little to close to to many people and some have stalked me actually believing Im one of them… Most know better…
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So; Im working my way slowly out of all this back to society again…
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THE MAIN PROBLEM IS GETTING SOLVED; \
I had no voice. I was dissociated from reality… By speaking in meetings over long term; the PTSD and dissociation started to slowly weed its way outward into the groups and as I spoke; more n more I learned how to trust again opening up around others.
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Lately; at a private level Im starting to show startling results. For the first time Im making it back over the reality line from Santa clause Disney land unicorn fantasy channel; a place Ive been hiding to stay safe.
Ive practiced. My soul is a bit more intact with my inner being, inner child, myself; Also Jesus of Nazareth, Universe, God, Holy spiritus; Im now showing signs of getting better; Im showing signs of strength coming back into reality… Thats what the meetings have been for; for this last round.
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When I first started recovery meetings 30 years Ago; it was about substance abuses and mental illness and suicide and the inability to function in society to the point of disability. The substance abuse was a result of desperation from ongoing serious mental illnesses. Was I a drug addict or alcoholic. Not Really; But more a Potential drug addict alcoholic. In both cases by the end of those sessions of experimentation; Signs showed big; Alcoholism and Drug addiction; But like allot of people; It was short lived; and I got into recovery nut houses and treatment centers for the mental conditions.. The drugs or alcohol problems( showing signs of severity) automatically started to ware off as I was in general treatment for everything else. And; I don’t want to ever find out anymore about substances; I got to close for comfort. I know if I had had only a few more years on that stuff under those conditions; I would have ended up on the streets or under bridges like any other dope fiend. However; In my case; all of this stuff was caught early because of my mental health problems; and I was pulled away into recovery process before any of substance problems could grow out to any other level of destruction ( They caused enough problems and anti social issues). By the time I got into recovery they started to slowly die down the more I recovered.. The drug problems and alcohol problems died away as my destructive life died away as I made a turn into the world of recovery and help that was leading back to a life in society. So; no more substances; but just the beginning of recovery…
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Ive been marginal; drugs; criminal behaviors as a teenager… I could have gone in many bad directions that would have led to an even worse condition in life; I was very close; on the fence; But it didn’t happen; I simply hid away or hid in someones basement and ended up at nut houses and then in the rooms of recovery… I was defeated and lonely and alone.. could not function in society.
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The 12 step groups have helped me in numerous conditions through the years I visited those rooms. I
would come n go. This last stance was about 7 years; and it was a big big undertaking; the changes.

NOTE; Becoming a new person; I can become a white collar kind of person… Intellectual. I can create bridges and pathways to becoming this. I can see it; its embarrassing; I was closed off; where it appears I have no abstract intelligence; This is about never developing. However; spiritually I can reconnect into that goal. And self actualize… I mean; it would be an adventurous journey. I still need to develop my low maturity level in all areas first. Ill pray about it.

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Those conditions I visited the rooms this round; have been conquered for the most part and Im now showing signs of coming back to reality and slowly back to life; cautiously and slowly. However; I still have mental problems that affect my ability in reality; nothing has been conquered. Learn to live with it. Live as things are…
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PROBLEMS:
Gaps between where Im at and the real world. I still need rooms to speak in and gain strength. This is a problem as stalkers have showed up to take me down and bug me while I speak at meetings. Do I go to the police or just get better and let it be. I assume by the time I get better and move on I probably wont see them anymore. Who knows; if it continues at some point ill call the police. Maybe God will switch the level of rooms Im attending; getting me to better places to recover.
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Stalkers occur because I got involved with the wrong people early and didn’t see the warning signs and then I pulled away from them once realizing they weren’t safe. Or I opened up to much at 12 step meetings without any self protection against the groups of psychopaths that roam those meeting places. Lots of different groups at 12 step meetings; lots of sub groups; personal groups; Unfortunately; activity practicing psychopaths are also a group.. Small group but a group. They are Anti social personality disorders; real ones. They will cause destruction and are dangerous if I allow them to get into my life by way of showing any weakness around them that is not countered with strength to defend…
IF they think they can attack and get away with it; they will; if they think they can attack secretly and continue to get away with it because no one is calling them out; they will; this is where the stalking comes in.

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These monsters don’t seem to understand there is a judicial system; and some have been in n out of jails but it means nothing to them. Its really best simply not to get involved with them.
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Many of them wear masks to cover who they really are. They play the basic simple middle class person; However; after time; the mask will come off and the monster will appear…
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Ive dealt with that through out the recovery 12 step group process. Now Im slowly walking away from that; those people slowly making my way back out into society…
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Many of these people don’t know me as I don’t really know them. So; they don’t really know where Im from or who I am am or that Im going back to a society they didn’t know I was a part of… Any way; Lots of good people in those places. But as usual; about 3% active anti socials causing problems for people; even in that atmosphere of recovering people.
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WHERE AM I AT NOW:
Im at a strange place; a cross roads…..
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Im not in the middle of my recovery; Im at the end of its long run… Im heading back into society; but Im right on the edge or before the edge or on the edge; one edge of it. Imagine a giant crater hole 10o miles wide. Im on the edge of it; I walked from the center of it with Gods help all the way ( working my way to the edge of it). Ill work through the distance from the beginning edge of one side to the other side of the same edge; maybe its a mile long.. and Ill cross from that far end of that edge; once I get their. Ill cross from that stony rock like obsidian based volcanic ashed rock black dark rocky tocky edge; as I look down; dark brown dirt and the noticeable presence of large grass and small flowers and weeds and things; the starting of the semi arid desert part of a forest from the edge as I take my first steps; and Ill transition from that rocky edge back into the forest land of civilization. And that is already happened. Im on my way; Im coming off the edge onto solid ground that leads to civilization.

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So; Im moving up off the edge back to civilization. God in these past years had to help me take an active past that controlled me; and make it a history book past where its stuck in the page of bygone days… It no longer controls me; its simply past history in a story book… I can turn the page and it has no hold on me; its simply past tense where is should be. Scary; pure demonology the way I was caught; pure evil..
Not anymore; Im not caught by that evil; that evil; God has contained it in the story book pictures of a history narrative now; tucked away sitting on a childs shelf of an old bookcase somewhere…
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Ive conquered the past; Its been harnessed and is now useless. So; where do I go from here; I head out of the meetings; my mission is complete… Im left with mental illness… My mind is gone. Broken…
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Ill slowly work with God moving slowly in a kind of quite covert position away from others; Ill show up at meetings but Ill slowly start taking breaks… and ill slowly share other things and new things and silently slowly stop going ever so slightly to meetings.
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IM NOT DONE WITH RECOVERY OR MEETINGS YET…
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I still have much work to do climbing out of this whole. I have allot of communicative skills to strengthen; its not over yet. It will happen; It will be natural. Ill slowly be able to fire off my voice and opinions and feelings until this ability is so strong; Ill start seeking elsewhere to fire it off; ill go back out into the real world and find niche areas for myself to breath and live and Ill learn to give my opinion to the animals in the forest or who ever else wants to hear me. Ill be back in society again. Thats where Im headed..
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Im just starting this ascension.
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So the first day of 2024 marks the beginning my ascension back into society… Interesting; the first day of 2014 is the first day of my exploration into success based thinking process based on the book Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. This was a dedicated effort on my part Im still exploring with all vigor n pep; pep n vigor… Study of the laws of attraction and the coaches of such things and the billionaires approaches to the use of these success based process for making money their dedicated direction in life.
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PROBLEMS:
Im still weak and dissociative; Im not out of this yet… Ive conquered the past with Gods help; Herrahee! I did not conquer mental illness… Alas! Im not match for that! Alas!
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PEOPLE: BAD PEOPLE: I must deal with them at the meetings; Only a few but their venom is deadly.
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So; Ill work with God on the right plan to learn to keep letting things out; keep talking until I get out what I need to get out. And then slowly and silently I move on…
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SO AT THE MEETING TODAY:
Stalker was there… Female over weight brain dead; Brain damaged Stalker; worst kind…
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I got the general next steps Im looking for…
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Its kind of simple and maybe easy but still hard…
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Its simple.
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Ive complained that when I was young their were no adults taking care of me and I wondered off into the world… and I got destroyed.
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Today the idea is; Ill make it to the starting point; the beginning; Ive conquered the past; So; no problem at this point getting to the starting point of life again.
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However; What do I need; I need that time period I would have needed parents to love and take care of me and show me how to live… So I could grow.
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So; I realized today; The rooms; the recovery rooms combined with the recovery system and literature and all those in the rooms in recovery and God; All of this together equals; PARENTS; A Mother and A Father… Thats what this equals…
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So; Ive got my mother and father and Ill keep growing down this passage way; the rooms have got me covered for my next journey.
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What is the journey; The journey is simple. Ill be going down God pathways for one reason; God and the rooms will help me slowly mature into a person that makes ADULT decisions…
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Maturity is going to make my life a whole lot easier. Making adult decision and acting with maturity; I doing it; I will be able to handle many more situations that require solutions…
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When I was younger or for most of my life; I did not handle anything or I handled things like a 2 year old.

I handled things in a bizarre victim like state… I had no maturity developed; I had no adult outside worldly knowledge or maturity. I was spun around in circles and dropped off a cliff. I had no idea what was going on.
The best thing now is to grow into a more mature person who makes adult decisions. Thats what I always wanted; I wanted an adult present to make adult decisions that would help me in the real world; No one was there ever!~
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So; I will start at the starting line; not yet; Im in a journey to get there… And that will require much work.. and strengthening. Then;
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From their I work with God and the recovery process… Im not sure what that will work like; will it be 12 step groups I don’t know… Im tired of the criminals and stalkers…
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The abstract idea;
However; I will work with God and recovery and universe; that will build more maturity. That maturity will build into making adult decisions when in situations that require problem solving. I wont have to call for an adult or parent because I myself will have matured and with Gods help hopefully
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will be making the choice to want to make adult decisions because Id matured before getting to this place. This is the abstract idea…
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So; Goals;
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1. Creating footsteps over bridges created over gaps that lead to the base areas or places I would construct foundations…
2. From foundations; create footsteps in my imagination; visualizing them; walking step by step to my desired destinations; up close to my desired destinations…
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3. Work with God on maturing experiences or development… God with me as Im doing them; strengthening this process… With the goal of becoming mature enough to handle real world problems and real world relationships and relationship problems..
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I have to keep going to meetings to grow… Atleast at this point; Ill pray about it…
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IM GETTING BETTER;
Its 2 early to say anything about this; but I am recovering and recovering in a way that suggests Im going down a path created by my higher power to a form of alignment with my higher power; this is

all really good; it means Im heading down the right path for the things I want in life and what I always wanted in life.
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God had this right…
I got rid of all past situations… the value I had for them; worked with God to get rid of them. With Gods help; got rid of them. I was truly confused and fooled by these evil weirdo people. I don’t feel anything for them anymore. I should have never felt anything for them in the first place and that scares me…
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Now; only my recovery and God moving forward down the right track… Im so ( JUST AT THE BEGINNING). So… done..

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Was riding my bike outside down some streets looking at houses just feeling being in a neighborhood…
Maybe its time to set some goals.
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Goals for me now; kind of like; set a goal; see where and how and what God does with the footsteps.. I take a few foot steps… No one owes me anything; nothing from the past.. So; What comes up… what comes next under God…
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Lets say I want a house. OK.. Ill take a few foot steps in my imagination and Ill visualize them in my imagination and Ill write about having a house. Ill go outside and walk around the block and look at house; Ill meditate on the next step with God to see what my next steps could possibly be…
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Ive got to get to a point where no one owes me anything and theirs no expectations on anything; I have to learn to adapt to things.. And not get bent about it; just keep working with God on the journeys for things.
Im scared about this; Im scarred when I take steps and then silence from God and no further understanding of what direction. Keep meditation going…
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Ill pick some goals and work with God on it. Ive got to learn that no one owes me anything; maybe I need to meditate a thousand times with God on God… get some answers from the universe; Maybe. I have to do what I have to do. I mean…
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NOTE; God is setting me where I have no expectations and no one owes me anything concerning my goals and dreams. I work with God universe to take steps and learn to work through those steps.
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So; as the new me; I've officially started praying for specific goals of interest not knowing how I would get them or what I would do. And ill meditate to see what the next steps down their journeys would look like amen…
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Waking up mentally and emotionally;
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Hurting; I have little. Meaning; No past.. So; nothing really in the present.. Ive not made anything. Ive been living literally my childhood; I crawled back into it and hid their; been their living in those
memories for years… Now; For the reasons of recovery I guess and God; Im starting to attempt things; to try and work with God to set some goals in the real world; its so scary because I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made when young. So; Im working with God to manifest things…
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Also; I have to learn how to handle things again when things go wrong…
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Im hurting because Im awake…
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I have to work with God on what I think I really deserve. The kind of house and wife and money and car…
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Im just now waking up to some of the women I dated; its all insane; brain dead dissociated by reality. been closed off… Its as if I want to blame someone else… Theirs that dissociative part. I have to get in touch with what I did… Who I dated.
Did I really date anyone; is that what I would call it. I was mentally ill… I dated the same level.
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Look at what I really wanted; the kinds of people I wanted around me… I havent taken responsibility for anything… I really need and want to wake up… This is getting insane…
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The other part is the other goals. Im waking up so I will learn how to wake up and take responsibility for who I am.
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The message Im getting from the universe is. Ive got to raise my standards. Get in touch with what is equal to me in everything; what is safe and what works as for goals. And don’t lower them… find out what they are and stay with it.. Ive got to learn what this means.
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When I was thrown away as a young boy; I was in development and thought my father would help me; I was completely ghosted permanently ; I was thrown away before that; and thus broken in a way where I had no standards anymore or anything else; Its so sickening all of this.
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However; at this point; working with God and being aware of this; I can first learn to raise my standard to the appropriate level of my worth and start asking God to help me manifest at this level… Please help me God. Amen.
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God will help manage my life… Ill have to work with God now to get me back to a specific level of development In all areas… Its not up to my parents anymore. They are not here. So; the child in me is lost in this area and used to just wonder around aimlessly. Now; I want to do something about that. Ill work with God on this; its a very painful situation. However; Ive got allot of tools in the tool box for this.. amen… And I have Universe God; Jesus of Nazareth Holy one… However; I can feel the disconnect. And so; Im working with God on this to get through dissociation at this level; this is also sexual abuse; that is causing this…
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MORE CHANGES…
I continue to grow…
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When young I thought I had created or was creating a life for myself. In reality; I was ending up around people who were acting the parts but their hearts were never with me. And I absolutely did not see it ever including my father. I did not know. My brothers were to destroyed for them to help me…
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Today as I wake up. Im waking up as a broken 7-9 year old who was viciously stripped of his life; Thus I had to go into immediate survival mode; all other thought gone concerning past or present… and other bad things coming my way…
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So; I realize today; My God; Im not missing anything; I never really had anything.
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All I ever had was a TV set that played movies I could watch that showed me possibilities of living. I turned that into a kind of addiction I was hiding from the world with… I stayed in those movies so I didn’t have to look at anything going on around me… And that is that; Nothing else did I have. Everything is is what I THOUGHT was going on around me; In reality; non of it came true; it was all an illusion. I did not have any family; I did not have any real friends… Maybe only a few people on the South side… The rest was an illusion.
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THE POINT;
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Here is the point;
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With the tools I have; It may be possible for the first time to raise my standards back to where they are suppose to be equal with whom I am. I thought I had done this when a small child building my life; I was wrong… and later as a teenager for a small while; I was wrong; I had nothing. I was not building anything; I was intruding on strangers lives at which they will very quickly rebel and respond and ask me to leave them alone in their own vicious or malicious stuck up ways or passive aggressive ways. I was not anything to these people; They did not want to bother dropping lower to meet me at my level to confront me. Instead they made it clear in other ways to leave and never return.
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I in shock will be hurt and heartbroken. However; Now I realize; Nothing ever came of any of these situations; meaning; I lost nothing; I never really started anything. They never got started; It never would have started anyway because they were with the wrong people; people who would have never started any kind of interactions in the first place. I was a complete stranger to these people. As fast as I knocked on their doors for the first time; the doors were slammed in my face for the last time. However; I simply could not come out of the denial of this rejection for all of my life… However; with extreme problems comes extreme answers and thus; I have succeeded.. And I am basically free of all of this…
I am back before all of this; I am back as that little child thrown away all alone who never had anyone in the first place.
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Today I have many tools and I have God… and with this; I have an interesting ability to maybe learn how to create a life of a higher level nature this time for myself. As Ive mentioned before. I thought it all taken from me when young. But; what was taken was the false opportunities I thought laid before me; when in reality; no such thing was laid before me. I was way to young to understand I had walked out into a world that was purposely using me and I simply never knew it…
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Today; Ill be working with God to over come those areas that damaged my level of worth; brutal abandonment and sexual abuses… Being abused and thrown away from the school system by evil

teachers where I was bullied and pinned as a bad kid. And dealing with bullies… and being stalked at schools.
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Ill be praying about this and what to do about it.
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Im remembering when I was very young and thinking about starting my life. And how it might go; unfortunately I had no one there to help me. I had been a thro away; things are different now…
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Im still the same person even tho Im old…
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At this point; as these new areas of developing are presented to me by the universe; more n more I need the recovery meetings less n less. We will see. I still need them. But at some point their purpose will vanish. Ill be able to stand on my own 2 feet out in the real world and work with that… However; that Fischer is still broken; a gap; an abyss exists; a GAP exists between me and my adult life; the life I would be present in; Non of that has been fixed yet; Things are a bit pre mature.. I have to hold on;

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trust God; work with God and just hold on until I go down the energy river a little further into my new life shows up…
I have lots to work on; pre maturity issues and at some point Ill show up for myself. Right Now; Ill continue to create bridges in my imagination that go over these gaps that separate myself from myself; and thus I will see myself walking over them onto the land on the far side; A land that leads to the starting places of my goals.
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FIRST LOVE: More insights; Atho Ive worked through this now; The universe continues to give me new needed insights about life… And many times or sometimes its about her…
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The best insight right now; Its not just that nothing was their; it also means nothing was lost. But its more then this; It really means nothing was there; and thus; it really means nothing happened; and it really means nothing was lost. Nothing ever existed or happened. I thought I missed out. But I didn’t miss out; not with that person…
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I may have thought I missed out on being with or having experiences with the right person; but I had no time to pick the right people; I couldn’t have because I was at to low a level within myself and to broken. And I was unfortunately surrounded by the wrong people. This means; I never had any experiences with the right people; and I never learned to set a goal and go after the right people; It never happened; more importantly; I never learned how to do any such thing before.
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Strangely; Im actually really young within myself; the protected areas of myself have no adult experiences nor any adult training… No experience period…
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I really am like a 7 year old never going any further… However; in this case; its real. And that isnt a bad thing. I means if I work with God; Im still kind of innocent… Im innocent from the beginning of my life. For the deeper part of me has never been out in reality accept maybe at 4-5 years old and then its dissociated…
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One of the problems I have are past women like FIRST LOVE and maybe others; They dissociate into my mind when I attempt to think of someone else or starting over… I have thoughts that get in the way of the present; thoughts of past women I wanted… its the past; and Im learning how to get beyond these thoughts.

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Ive never started over before; emotionally.. for something real… Now I have to, I mean at a deep level within myself. Start over from scratch.
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Im changing again; Im waking up to a new life relational. Ive got absolutely no experience in this; Nothing. I opened up only once in my life when I was 14; and I was crushed immediately and destroyed. Now; All of my inner seeing of memories or created ideas; it all goes; because it was me hiding in my own

mind. Now; Im getting strong enough to come out into the world; that means I let new thoughts come into my world that are similar or aligned with the outside world.
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So; Ill stay aligned with God and Universe… and allow the world to come in a bit; and see what happens. Meaning being align with the universe I start to parallel reality and not hide within myself.
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Its about being damaged disfigured and ruptured and still working with God to come out.. and thats where Im at; just enough to come out into life again a bit; I mean; Im crippled. And I have to remember this… As I go out into the world and away from the recovery rooms. This is a place beyond the rooms…
Its me starting over again more independent. That means my thoughts are moving forward in goals at the core level. And away from what I was hiding in. Ill work with God on this.
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I have a problem; Ive had one all my life; about staying present from dissociation. Being in reality is very difficult.
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Im starting to see in relationship; Its always been about mental problems; dissociation. Its very hard to be in relationships and interact with someone. The mental problems are the real cause of my inability with relationships. And when my past is worked through and my mind moves forward; I can see it; I can see the mental illness condition.
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Its like my mind is warn out or warped and weak… It cant stay present for interacting with someone. Its very hard. And may be the reason I never looked for someone ever. And from this humble position might help me to understand the realities of interacting with someone and telling them the truth about myself.
I was never able to get involved in anything.
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However; Im seeing many avenues coming to me beyond the 12 step rooms… So; this is good and Im starting to understand relationship stuff. Even tho Im old; ancient.
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My point is; how well would I do out in society with people. I could work with God on this; learning how to step out now; and because Im a bit stronger now; and give it a shot. Work with God on these things…
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The 12 step groups have been good for the mental illness to foster back in with creating a voice for myself. To be present and a person again. Ive gained strength. However; the type of people Ive met are not good for my condition…
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So; Im getting close to leaving; Ill work with God on this.
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One area of reality is the mental illness… and how to disables me from being around people. Ill write more about it… and how I might work around it and Ill talk to God about it. amen
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Slowly moving into the next realm; the next level or the next section. Its a bit ruff crossing; Lots of holes and gaps… Ill have to keep working on that; so I can create bridges inland… much further inland…
And from their move forward.

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Im having to man up a little do some action work to take the first several steps… its ruff. Lots mixed emotions in the way; turbulent.. Ill man through it… keep it up. And bash into the other side…
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Im beginning to faintly see myself in my original back yard as a kid… Im seeing where I left off in my development… Im seeing my father help me in my new development; This is from Jesus; Jesus is helping me… The universe is helping me….
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Im starting to see it. So; Ill be developing unto the next step. Ultimately I see myself regaining myself; my real self; within my imagination; back into my original neighborhood as a full person identity again; meaning; Im back; Im myself again. Not yet; But that is the goal and I can see it happening.
Between now and then; Lots of work.
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Also; because Im growing and changing; Im noticing others sensing it and trying to keep me in the box; in their box.. They don’t understand the power of God; Im always several steps ahead of them; they don’t know it… Scumbags…
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I still have to go to allot of meetings; So… I haven't opened up to my new life yet; Im still breaking through walls… Ill get their but I have no idea; only God knows… So; its Gods will not mine.
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NOTE; Courage facing losses; standing up to them with Jesus and God and Universe and Holy spirit on my side walking with me and Angles protecting me.

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More n more in my past; Im seeing myself back track; back track away from the trouble spots I got myself into; Im seeing myself back track to a room in a building where a large mat lay. I see myself backing onto the mat; then sitting down on the mat; and I begin to meditate and talk to God and have God manifest what ever I want; Im learning how to work with God to bring those things to me; imagining they are coming to the mat in front of me; unto the corners of the mat… in the front.
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So; I have to learn how to sit on the mat at the lowly position; and then work with God to believe and manifest things at my basic level onto the mat…
The point is; Im back tracking going back to the prayer mat and to God to manifest and see what happens…
What Im learning; God would never bring me the people I associated with when young; men or women; I would have never met them if I had been doing only Gods will. God would never bring those evil scumbags around me.
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The goal today is to get to a point where more n more I want to get on that prayer mat and meditate and get in alignment with God. Start with that; once aligned; Go from there… go strait ahead.. slowly letting God teach me how to maneuver forward.
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Under Gods direction and Gods will; and moving strait forward down Gods pathway at my basic league level; Where will I end up; what am I suppose to do with my life; we will see; thats what Im attempting to manifest.
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Right now; Im attempting to manifest the ability to back track get on the prayer mat in my imagination; align with God and work with God down my God pathway…
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Friendship;
As I get better sized or equal sized in the universe; Im like OKE: Im like way out there when it comes to friendship and developing deeper friendships that would turn into a relationship with a women lets say.
Ive got it all wrong and all backward… I just got a hit of God right now and it kind of broke me open a bit to let me know Im not in my right mind; Literally when it comes to developing friendships with women.
Also; basically with anyone else. Ill have to get out of the narcissistic seat and have God bring me back to reality here; I can see things are all wrong… so… Ive wanted to be dominating and in control so I don’t get hurt… Ill have to work with God on this and the kind of people I meet… OK God…
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Its hard; its embarrassing all of this; Going from Boy man to Man/Man/Bam Bam… Meaning; Im working my way back to going from a nerd; kind of a pseudOs intellectual to a HUNTING CAPABLE CAVEMAN… Thats where God is leading me. I was at more meetings; so far so good…
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So; A large gap between where Im at and starting again with God to develop at the place I left when young; However; I know or can see it; just haven't done the work yet to develop it because im nto there yet…
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So; Its about working through the gaps creating passage ways over the gaps and ruff areas; creating bridges from where Im at; creating bridges in my imagination; right into the back yard of my childhood… And when their I began to learn how to walk again where I left off when I was a kid; Im getting help from God and my father in the backyard; as they hold me up and I learn the basics..
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NOTE: I have to travel back from several different places I lived or was forced to live; I have to practice traveling from numerous places back to my original house; In my imagination; I have to practice traveling from many situations back to my original house; to a point that I finally decide to completely bi pass these other places and just see myself going strait back to my original house when young…
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Being taken from my house and put into other homes over n over n over caused great dissociation. So; now with Gods help; I will reverse this.
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I cant stress the importance of being around human beings in groups; they add a spiritual factor for change and energy; human energy change I cant explain; its all caveman million year old stuff… I mean; it works to be in a safe group when adding it with personal problem solving from the universe; just sharing my stuff no cross talking… and then in a room with others doing the same… And then an hour later; end of meeting…
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So; Im getting answers to get hooked back into my original place in childhood so I can legitimately start over from that space.
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I will say this; As Jesus of Nazareth allows me back into my past; into my childhood; its not looking so fantastic.. Its looking more kind of struggle everyday normal. I see I actually spent most of my time hoping for the future… but it never came; except when I was building my development in the backyard of the house…
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So; its a real possibility for God( within my imagination) to get me back into my childhood house as if I was at that age I got thrown away; that area; and the back yard to continue my development; Ill be with my father and Jesus in this newly created narrative in my imagination. Ill continue where left off at age 8. This is allot of writing and allot of narrative work.. led by God.
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One area of importance. I want to create this narrative so strongly that I literally create a new set up experiences from the ages of 9-12…. In my past; Where Im at the same house and Im working on developing with safe people.. amen.
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The main area I have left that concerns me right now is FAMILY>..
Its the actual family system I came from that rejected me or threw me away… Mother/father/2 siblings…
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I wont bring anyone else into it; because all of the outside world was fake… And Ive worked through most of it and just about all of the important characters of it… in most cases; I had taken innocent people hostage who didn’t know me; and they didn’t like me or want me around. And when I finally understood this; I left; They didn’t care…
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Today its about re imagining Im living in my original house with my parents and some how with Gods help; to be a happy situation and to see myself graduate from that experience.
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Just talking about it this way is kind of knew for me; I mean.
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I just talked about it at a meeting… about family; being loved and being hated or thrown away. And now Im interested in how to turn this around… With Gods help. My God; I think it can be done. I mean. I just don’t remember ever being this close to this subject in this way for this to happen.
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So…
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I have been waking up a bit at meetings and I can tell I don’t have the friends or support I thought I did. As I wake up Im looking around realizing many people would certainly not like me to share so much or ever again… O well! Ill trust my higher power.
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Ive been using these rooms for therapy like it was a giant family counselor; been using them or the whole process for years… Ive had about 50 million hours in meetings…
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Not everyone likes me or supports me. NO problem.
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It would be really cool really great to get to a point of working through actual family stuff where I come out on the other end; half Oke. Like processing the past out so I can start again and start my own family; something like that…
Im so damaged tho. Ill start working on.
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Most of the other past is gone; I mean; I conquered it; its gown!~ It makes me feel very closer to everything and more aware and present.
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So; getting over past specific family; where I feel loved again and move on family in one piece; making out of that and feeling whole and good and solid…Not ripped up from the street up! Man O

man. I don’t see how that can happen. Im not completely feeling it. My God; but then all of this family system stuff just started today at the level Im speaking of.
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This family thing is so over my head. I feel so ruptured.. and thrown away… However; I feel like with God it can be opened up and worked through and hopefully I can come out on the other side of things Back together as a whole person and start over as a wholesome person. This is where brutal damage occurs.
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What if I got over the old family system; what if somehow I graduated from it and ended up on the other side; out of the system but somewhat whole. Beat up from the Street up but whole. !~ I think this reality can happen.
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Im at this point; Im imagining Im at home when young; after or during the bad time periods. And; I DON'T go anywhere; I don’t try to answer the problem by leaving and finding other families in the neighborhoods to hide out with or hang out with or try to become a mascot int heir family.
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What would happen if I didn’t go anywhere; Instead I went to therapy some how; Got the help I needed and just graduated from the family and moved on with my independence. Im speaking about when I was young. And Im talking about now! A new narrative…
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This is where Im at now; what Ive just written about family system. I have no idea what to do; Ill just keep praying about it and writing new narratives about it and let the universe give me some answers.
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This specific problem and the abuses within it applied upon me; Anxiety disorder in full garb. Im feeling the squeamishness and the anxiety disorder. I had to leave some places today; could not handle the anxiety because of this past triggering. Im waking up.
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Im noticing a shift with allot of people in some of the meetings I go to. As I get better they are NOT with me! Some appear to be deserting me; or they were never with me to start with; But its becoming really apparent I think… Ive been dissociated from reality and never saw what was going on.
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In some cases; Ive abandon others who now appear to have been manipulating me. Ive almost backed away from them so far; we are not associates with each other; Nothing; because Im getting better and have out from them; from their manipulation. A clear separation is occurring.
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Im hearing it and Im seeing it.
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However; as I get better; I don’t care! Ill keep working with God on become present in the outside world.
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I have to understand. Im old and those half my age; well; They arant going to care anyway.
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Whens the last time I washed my clothing; This has been a problem and that could be why people are staying away… I don’t know! I might be repulsed. Im working it..
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Ill keep working with God and keep showing up and keep at this until God releases me unto the public…
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Ive seen this all before; When someone is about to graduate to a better life and leave those people behind. They turn on that person first and abandon him; They can tell that person is getting better and going to leave. Im saying its all very subtle… in my case. Maybe just a few people are

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responding. However; its still a sign Im getting better. And or; it all means nothing to these people; and they just assume I leave…
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Ill keep doing what Im doing; Im feeling better? Im feeling like I have boundaries and or my frequency is higher and im seeing the result in meetings where others are treating me with disdain. As I mentioned; I could be just someone who is old who does allot of talking they don’t care about or cant stand. Not sure.. Most are half my age; so; that is added to all this. So; Ill just go by God…
I just want to get better…
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So; I will stay with God and keep working with God through this section of my recovery right now. Its a kind of no mans land right now…
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Family;
The key is to open this concept up about family and see how I can graduate from it; in one piece…

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I WOKE UP THIS MORNING:
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As for the 12 step meetings and the people; I know its over…
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Ive been working with God… And its over between me and those meetings…
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The people in the meetings have become vicious. Not because they were never vicious people; but because I woke up; and they didn’t like it. And or I woke up and saw what is really going on. More; possibly; Im waking up and suddenly they see Im waking up and Im not one of them anymore; exactly as God has planned it if I followed through with God…
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Its over between me and the people at the meetings. I stayed incognito long enough to be able to silently wake up so I could see who I was really dealing with; And its happen; the viciousness; I see it. Im talking about specific places and meetings and groups in my small town. Im not talking about fellowships in general or something from all towns. Im not talking about all people. Ive done the work God is sending me outside into the real world again… its starting to happen.
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God has given me an out. One of the best ways to leave a situation is to wake up to its evil and see the presence of what Im really dealing with.
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I have dissociative disorder; and its alive and well; it leaves me almost schizophrenic socially ( still)(damaged). The problem is; Im not aware and I don’t know that Im not aware… Im living in other time periods and personalities from the past within my mind; myself. Im not really aware of who or what I am; or what is going on in front of me. And for this reason; I am blind. I will end up around the wrong people… I will think Im safe when in reality; Im around vicious people; but I will not know… My mind is elsewhere.. Serious serious set of problems.
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I found in the meetings lately; Its like finding what people actually think of me.. and its vicious; and this says much about what they think of me; but also who they really are and it says more about where Im at in general and how safe it is or whether Im hated or not… It never occurs to me if I am hated. In my condition; I might think a couple of people might like me; like me for months; when in reality; they are not my friends and they don’t trust me… Nor like me.

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because Im working on deeper issues. So I havent cared. However; when I wake up and find out Im not liked or loved; Im hated; Its time to leave. My value has risen. And this is God; waking me up…
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And so its happened.
This also means Im more capable to be outside those places and back in society again… thats also what it means… And Im slowly moving outward again; outside..
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Slowly moving outward....

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