August 2025
July 2025
Sexual abuse…
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Sexual abuse and other intimidation by the person causing the sexual harassment; This is contributes to my inability to date anyone.
I cant move past 10-11-12-13 years old.
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I had monsters barging in on me in my room with no privacy or control over who came in. I was viciously attacked at times verbally and intimidated by pure prejudice and hatred; viciously with no regard that I was a child at the time. This put me in shock to deal with someone twice as big as me. I had no protection; nothing…
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I see this stunt in growth as major problem with growing maturity that I can move forward at those ages; find new independent friends and directions and hobbies and a life at that time and develop; and then meet young women at that age; become friend from church or other safe places of people because I was developing correctly.
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So; I had no safety over my life and over who came into my room in the day time or morning or night. I was treated with viscous hatred toward me; I was only 10 or 11 years old. As if I had no rights under any law. As if I had nothing… It was incredible; I had no parents; they were gone by then; way before then actually.
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This time period sees me in shock and fear and intimidation; fright. Terrified. Im not loved by anyone and I have no parents. No one cares about me; nothing. So; it is this time period I have to imagine with Gods help I am learning how to break out with independence… This will take much work.
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1. This is what I see. I break outward of that time period or if I was in that time period; I find new friends and join different clubs… I am in church. I develop more maturity and have friends and within that as I get older; then I start meeting girls.. And Im outward going and a bit more developed and not alone. Im not like a stuck 11 year old; Im more like someone with friends who is developing. And that is what I will pray about; I can see the answer its just having deal with all of this dissociation. I stopped in my tracks completely controlled; over n over.
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2. I can see this as a problem; this lack of maturity. I had no choice that when I got older and wanted women in my life I was no more mature then a 6 year old. I ended up bi passing the ethical way to meet people. I would have had to develop with friends socially; found myself developing with independence with new friends from church. And from their met girls of my own age at the time… These girls would have been the quality of the church I was attending… I would have grown and not been a stuck 10-11 year old in maturity trying to date people who seem to have 10 more years of maturity. I could do nothing with them; they could do nothing with me; they didn’t understand; didn’t care to understand; they didn’t have to understand…
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So; the sexual abuse harassment of those years and general harassment and intimidation stunted my maturity growth causing dissociative disorder and other trauma problems. And I could never move forward from that point ever again until maybe now.
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Working with God down Gods Pathway means development. I don’t try to go to a women for development. I go somewhere else to gain the maturity I need so I can move on into my manhood; or looking back; I would say proper teen years of experiences and then beginning manhood.
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So; the sexual abuser is like a BOSS at the end of the video game; they are twice my size.. And its the only place I have to live… So; I have to learn how to stand up for myself these situation now; within my imagination and fight back under Gods law and move beyond that place and those twisted disgusting vermin.
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So; God is giving me a good blue print for moving forward concerning this past situation.
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This counters; this moving forward; This counters FIRST LOVE who I will meet a year later when I was very young.
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That means I would not need to have gone up to First Loves house or met her. Instead I would have meet others and learned how to work at an early age… And developed and become independent. And from their met nice girls along with others who were friends at that age in church and other hobby based stuff intellectually speaking. When ready. And had girlfriends. I can see it; and I can see the people I was living with would have never allowed me to develop; Impossible… They thought they were superior to people and other inferior and I would never be allowed to develop in ways equaling them…
They were scum bag sycophants; child molesters and abusers… So; I would not have had a chance at that time. All I could do was be in freeze mode all the time; in pure utter fright and terror..
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So; the point is; I may be able to confront that past at this point because that past caused me to shut off; shut down and dissociate at that point completely way into myself and other altered worlds. I never came out of that dissociation.
Now Im fighting to come out of that now and face that and see if I can move on under Gods will and come back to reality.
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