September 2025
August 2025
My main goal right now; main work is to pull back from FIRST LOVE; have the universe pull out all attachment's of intimate connections that would trigger the idea of love; the love trigger. That means; the narcissist triggers me and I fall in love with them because they created a falls construct of secure connection.
The narcissist wants to create a solid grounding for me so I feel like they are taking care of me; they are worthy and interested; trust worthy; loyal to my love for them; They want to create the idea of need; They need or want me because no one else in the world is like me; and I have won them over. And thus; they are mine. And its all fake! They want to create this scenario so they can get my defenses down; and when that happens; thats when they throw me from the train or dump me discard me... Thats their only interest; to gain power by dumping me or setting me up and getting rid of me.
So answer to all of this is; DO NOT have a relationship with a narcissist ever!!!!!!!
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Gods interest in me right now; to pull the love from me for this narcissist. I was triggered and with false connections going know where with this narcissist. I saw a need to be filled; I could love them because they were broken.
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In reality; they were never broken (laughable); In fact; they are fine; the whole construct they are performing in front of me is fake; all of it.
They might be getting triggered by my ability to be inter personal or the excitement of sweeping them off their feet; but its a momentary thing; They already have a future; they dont need one with me.. They are simply having an afternoon of fun... It all means nothing to them as I mean nothing to them.
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God wants to pull out all the knives from my body from my chest they have slammed into me.. God wants to heal me and get me out of their presence and get me around nice people. Thats what all this writing is about. Thats what all the prayer is about and meditation. Im trying to get rid of my connection with ther narcissist.
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I seem to have to connections with the narcissist; false love connection/ abuse connection.
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Ive got a body full of emotional knives drilled into me where they have suddenly turned on me when my defenses were down.
I have these false connections with the narcissist that trigger my love response; but the connections go nowhere. The narcissist never hooked up the connection from me to them; instead they covertly hooked up the connection from me to nothing or to an inanimate area; Thus; the whole time Im thinking Im getting somewhere with this person; Im getting nowhere...
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God is trying to pull me out of this kind of situation; pull all connections or false connections; stop all love triggering... and heal me up. God is trying to get me free so God and I can locate all the knives put into me pull them out and allow the knife wounds to heal.
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This is the work Im doing now.
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THE GOAL:
God will pull all co dependent needs I have with the narcissist; God will strip me of all triggers for love for the narcissist; turning all triggering off; separating me from the narcissist; God will pull all knives from me and heal me thus stopping all connection damage with the narcissist.
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It seems I went to the narcissist as a wounded boy looking for my mother to heal me. Instead I got a full dangerous sadistic narcissist to passive aggressively put more knives into me. They couldnt help it. That is their only path. Its the only pathway of a sociopath; So; the question is; why am I still their associating with them at the time?
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So; again; all of this writing is about getting un Knifed from the past narcissist... And getting disconnected from the narcissist and getting all feelings for them; this thinking; getting it rearranged so Im not associating with any feelings for the narcissist.
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God is breaking the ties with the narcissist.
God is getting rid of my love feelings for the narcissist. Getting me pulled back from the narcissist. Pulled away from the narcissist.
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The goal is to never think about the narcissist for any good reason ever again. In order for this to happen; something has to take the place of the base love I felt for them and the co dependency and the trauma bonded condition associated with them; I take all of that to God.
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Ive been walking around all my life wounded; and these wounds and falls connections have created a kind of relationship with the narcissists even tho they are fair fair away from me. ITs like having a long distance relationship over the internet. ITs not real; but actually Im getting fed by my memories and wounds... as if Im in a long distant relationship with the narcissist for the remainder of my life.
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So; God is trying to get me to safe ground to work on me and heal me so I can start over again.
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The problem has been; ive not known anything other then narcissists all my life. Its seems Ive been overwhelmed with them and thats all theirs ever been.
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SO; Ive got to be pulled off the side and worked on so I can be safe...
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Ill use FIRST LOVE as the example; Thats what Im working on right now; could be many many people.
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This could be many many people that attacked me many forms. It seems thats all I got from people or the household I came from; I got little else; no protection or development from anyone.
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First; First Love;
And maybe; finally in my writings; Im beginning to take the stress off of her; the focus and put it on me.
Im the one showing up to the narcissist; Im; through passive aggression; getting psychologically spiritually Knifed and at times Knifed to death.
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Im attempting to walk up to the narcissist and become friends; and thats where all the trouble begins. Im dealing with people with no compassion. They have no remorse; they do not stop and ask why Im acting the way Im acting; they judge the situation and move on. That means; they judge me and move on. And that is the narcissistic attack. This also tells me how they dont value anything about me.
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Looking at it from my perspective; its like walking into a silent invisible knife field where Im the target practice.
Its almost like Im around the narcissist passive aggressively; Im going to allow them to attack me to prove that they are just like my mother and father and im going to take it just like my mother and father gave it to me. Its a form of deviance.
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So; Im a broken exposed knifed child who is going to sit in front of the narcissist and demand they treat me right and love me. I mean; Im trying to get an emotional relationship with a narcissist; thats exactly what I was trying to do.
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So; I see this as a knife field; and Im walking into a narcissist as a pincushion waiting to be knifed. Ive already got a body full of Knives.
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INTO THE PRESENT>
Ive got a body full of Knives and wounds from narcissists; Now; what do I do?
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Im working with GOD to pull the knives out and go home. Im trying to heal up; and that starts with the knife wounds being pulled out. Then I heal up and then I stay away from narcissists... Thats the idea.
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Thats what Im working on right now; Having God disconnect me completely from some narcissists of the past.
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