September 2025
August 2025
New blog;.
The need of love…
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So; as I slowly say goodbye to my first love; Who was actually a pathological liar; rapist murder’r type;
I realize I need love to replace the love I was looking for from that murder’r. Obviously I wouldnt be getting any love from that kind of sycophant., This person was trying to groom me into committing suicide from mental breakdowns caused from fooling me into believing me she liked me; waiting until I took the bait and then pull the rug out on me… Thats all it was; it was nothing. She was nothing! She was a complete stranger… Some sycophant playing people into a grave..
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So; I was desperately looking for a family I did not have at the time; I needed mass love. Anything; I was desperate.. I wanted a friend; I had no real ones; thats all I was looking for; and I was taken advantage because of it!
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So; I was looking to be loved by someone and I was looking for a real friend…
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So; right now; I need to ask God for real love under God and a real friend…. So this situation can be replaced.
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The goal is to get this First Love person out of my mind and my thinking and the roots in my nervous system with this person in it. And right now; that is my work concerning this person; its to clean out the canals of the roots of her memories… Get rid of them.
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One problem is; I have assigned memories of her responding to me; and it feels like I have someone responding to love; love for me. I don’t think these memories are real. I created them myself.
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I would now like God to intervene and bring love to me; the love I was looking for from her. And for God to bring me a friend; the friend I was looking for in her…
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This is a big issue; because it means the original first love; Im asking that she get replaced; and thats really pulling those roots out of my soul concerning this person.
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The problem in the past was; I was afraid to abandon her. In reality now; There’s no one I have to worry that Im going to abandon; She was faking everything. She had no interest in me or attraction or anything; she was not insecure; it was all an acting job. She did not need someone worrying about her being abandon for she was never abandon in the first place; she was fine… I was just being led on!
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All of this is not easy for me; even now! However, it must be done and I must keep at it working with God until this person is gone from my life in all aspects… So; the deeper roots of anger must be pulled; and they must be pulled by God; for it is way over my head. Ill keep asking God.
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However, The next point is; What was I looking for; I was looking for love and a friend; a real friend. So; Ill ask God to replace what I was looking for in her with love now; and a friend now…
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So; Ill work with God on this; replacement. Ill ask for those things…
And ask for those things a family would give me if I came from a family; And Ill trust and work with God on these things.
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As for the girl; I really want her gone; thats the whole point of this; I don’t want anymore co dependency with some ancient inconsequential loser that destroys people… Its non of my business.
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Im now praying for the things I really want from the universe; things I really wanted from a family… And the more work I do on family; the more I will remember what I wanted from them; its been a long long time…
So; Ill take all of this to God… and tell God to bring me the life I desire… All the things I desire.. and more then that; the love I desire and the friendship I desire…
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So; Im starting to ask God for all the things I was desperate for when young. Before and after being thrown away…
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Im having God go back in time to every year of the ages I had problems; to clean them up with new concepts and thoughts on how to do that; and to have all fake friends removed from me at that time so its as if Im alone from those evil people.
However, that means Im alone; how do I survive; Ill allow the universe to show me how. And asking the universe to bring all the safety and security and love that I needed; to bring it to me.
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I can see numerous times and periods of my history when young; almost all of it that I need to be stripped of the bad people all around me and the fake evil fake friends; get rid of all of them so I am alone; And then start over and work with Gods wisdom concerning my life and get it rebuilt with the right help…
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Im asking God for that help. For that help to show up.
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Im looking for a replacement of that girl when I was young; to replace why I wanted her in the first place; or wanted anyone in the first place; their rolls.
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So; im on to something; I can go deep; really day by day deep and ask God to bring those daily needs I had when I was a kid; bring everything I always needed and wanted on a daily basis; make my dreams come true God for a list of all those daily things I needed… all the love I needed;.. God protect me and bring me the love I wanted when young… and the friendships…
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Work issues.
Talk more about work issues at the meetings tonight; About work ethic concerning wanting something out of this life; because nothing is really free…
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If I wanted to drive a car; certain responsibilities associated with it; Id have to sacrifice.
If I wanted to play a musical instrument and write songs. Id have to read music; write music and play that instrument…
Do I have a problem with this; How else would I be able to learn this instrument.. Id have to learn all these things if Im going to communicate effectively with others or the community around me…
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Ill make a list of what I wanted when a child and thought my parents were going to give me; the kind of attention and love I always wanted on a daily basis…
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And Ill make a list of what I wanted after they left me at the age of 9; and what I desperately wanted on a day to day basis… through each month and years and age…
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What did I want during those days…
God can bring me anything including striving to believe God would and could bringing me the day to day life I always wanted in those days.
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This does add into certain friends at the time to satisfy me with needs; and this leans into this girl who lived up the street; and what I wanted her to do for me… For what I wanted her to do for me; I want God to do for me…
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A basic list;
Im looking up basic needs on Google.
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Volition ; feel like we have the power to exist autonomously and direct our own lives.
Attention ; receiving attention from people we care about and giving them attention in return.
emotional connection ; to be emotionally fulfilled
connection to community; are brain is a social organ; being connected to something greater then ourselves.
Privacy; mental and emotional well being require that we have time and space enough to reflect on and learn from out experiences.
A sense of self; value within a the groups dynamics
a sense of achievement; self esteem; we are accomplishing things
meaning; a greater sense of something greater then our selves; a set of beliefs about life and what its all for….
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This is a good list to start with… Ill made a more detailed personal one later.
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Work issues or work ethic; Ive been bringing it up at meetings; Im insane… Ive lived a life believing Ill get something if I become a bum… Now; I want to accept a much grander picture of things… That I would have to learn something completely to be good enough for it have service value. Something like that. And that Im afraid of being ripped of.. and not being able to finish…. I can feel the problems. I feel someone else is going to get involved and ruin everything.
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Its like I want a car but wont pay for the engine… even tho; without the engine; the car wont work. If Im forced to get the engine; Ill become a bum instead and wont fight to get a car.. Something like that.
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Musician; Id have to learn to read music; write music memorize music; and learn an instrument. Why would I think I would do anything less.. or could do anything less. Why! Meaning; Ill skip the hard parts and must fool around with the instrument; but do what with it; do nothing with it. But nothing is not what I want to do with it; I want it a functional situation but I wont do the work to make the whole of a thing functional; why not! Passive aggression? I mean; what is it Im afraid of committing to get into. I seem to be scared or afraid; fair enough; but of what.. that I will put out to much work and get nothing in return. Right now; im not a real musician and getting nothing in return… I mean; this whole way of thinking is insane.
Accepting what has to be done to make the whole picture work is the only thing I can do… So; I have to work on it; if I don’t nothing will ever change; doesn’t it matter to me. I was broken when very young and no longer cared bout anything; now I would like to care about something and work directly on these problems… I have allot of trauma and violations by others concerning these things… other breaking down my boundaries; However, I would like to work with God on getting back the ability to work at something; To feel safe…
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