September 2025
August 2025
The wid'ning grip from the past includes 2 name; First Love and Best friend... And Im now seeing them as danger; serious danger... They were never my friends and it was an unwise move on my part to associate with them. Im not seeing them anymore with much value; A litte more for the girl I loved concept; but not really; anymore; its an empty steal vessel; What does this mean for me; It means; what ever I wanted her to supply for me Ill have to back off and get for myself... Ill work with God where I am empty and learn how and what to do about this and how to face it and and gain support to back up on while facing it.
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Its slowly turning bad; my attitude toward these 2 people and their house holds. Unfortunately I was destroyed there; in those places. I was naive and readied for an ambush I never saw; I never saw that anyone wanted to destroy me. I was not aware I was associating with my enemy; but they were aware of it.
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They were never my friends? They were no ones friends; not anyone on the side of God... THese were the enemy...
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How is it that I found myself at their homes? I had watched TV all my life and had no experience in dealing with new people... I was forced out of my home... and thus into new neighborhoods with new rules; I did not understand. I thought or felt or fantasized I was in my old neighborhood; the one I grew up in; I thought I was safe; thought all people were generally still nice people; so; I used the same rules from old neighborhoods for new ones. unfortunately; I was sadly mistaken. I will be crucified and destroyed several times by people I should have never associated with ever.
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Im grateful I have the ability to deal with these problems and learn to over-come them; At-least this suggests I feel safe enough in my present situation to let down the survival mode,for-awhile and deal with these past infractional peopl'd situations... Deal with this horrible nightmare past.
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So; the grip is widing; the grip of freedom from the past. In fact; it seems Im going back into my childhood. Im not talking about going into or being trapped from the past. Im talking about going into my childhood for real.. The real memories; the good parts; me; being me again. Me; learning how to do everything for myself again; before others got involved; got ahold me and ripped to me to pieces. Getting my independence back.
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FREEDOM COSTS:
After years and years and years of being lost and or being in the recovery process; my constitution is finally ready to allow God to put me back at the beginning again and start again start over; This time with much less; but what I start over with is real; and more wisdom then the first time round... I learned from several destroyed past lives from being alone with no support; what is important and what is not; what is safe and what is dangerous.
A VALUABLE LESSON;
In the past when young; I went to others to fit in with them; they had everything I ever wanted to be; they were the kind of people I always wanted to be and new I deserved and knew I was like; They were my equals; However; their was a problem; That was in my fantasy... In reality; altho I did meet these people of a higher economic level families; and they were at a height of academic prosperity; I learned a horrible death level reality as I was being crushed out of my life; These were NOT NICE people.
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NOT NICE PEOPLE WILL NOT DO...
A person can have all the worldly possessions created; but if their not nice; I want nothing to do with them. Ive learned this in the most horrible fashions. No tolerance for non nice people. Im not talking about hurt defensive people who suffer from trauma and are backed against a wall from reliving bad things. If these type of people are not safe; trauma people; Ill stay away. If they are using drug addicts; No thanks; stay away please... Get into recovery and maybe some day we will meet...
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THe kind of evil person Im talking about is; Well; pure evil; they are not nice people. THey look like me; talk like me; dress like me; live in a house like the towns people; but they are not nice people; and thus; Ive learned a horrible lesson; Stay away from these in human opportunists... They destroy people to give themselves power on earth. They will destroy me if I let them. Do not even got close or within a 100 miles of them...
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I spent my time around conservatives people that had people my age I interacted with; they seemed OKe at first; they seemed to be heading toward to be successful types; But they were not nice people. Co-dependent; I felt like I was missing everything in my life and gravitated toward them. It was a horrible mistake; I will have my life raped out of me for this... and thrown away with very little left to ever function again.
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IN THE PRESENT:
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So; working with my higher power and working with in the constraints of recovery process; and with an army full of recovery people support from the little recovery town Im in; I am able to set forth with independent goals( altho I have no idea how Im going to do them); Im able to set them; and work with my higher power through prayer and meditation and writing out new scenarios of the kind of life I dream of.
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Im able to change one very important attitude trait from my past!! Im switching from co dependency and dependent personality traits; some traits; Im switching to depending on God and Gods journey... GOds light around me and the journey put forth from God...
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ILL WORK WITH MY HIGHER POWER AND LEARN HOW TO DO THINGS FOR MYSELF...
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I knew this guy that was an Architect. Actually; he turned out not to be my friend... He was a scary dude; not a very good friend; I dont even think I should call him a friend; He was using me the whole time; he thought I was lower then the dirt one walks on from one zoo cage to another... Anyway; Im just as smart and was just as interested in Architecture when a child; as he was; He didnt know this; I never told him.. He knew nothing about me. Because of trauma; I could not associate with life correctly; I was flunction out in school; He was succeeding at top levels; He was not better them me; I was actually smarter them him... But I had no schooling and did not have the ability to perform in school; I was under to much neglect and trauma... I was thrown away from the beginning and no self worth or self esteem...
NOTE: THe first thing I think of when reading that above paragraph is the answer; I can feel it; THe answer is; Stop going to these wierdo's for recovery; instead; go join a recovery meeting and start working with a higher power... Stay away from the sycophants in life.
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I decided to find and hang out with certain people that ended up doing very well in life; I thought they were my helpers and GOd sent them to me. This; when I was young; a boy; and they were my age; I WAS WRONG!
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ITs true; I did need helpers; but I would not find them in Kings Palaces... For those of Well-To-DO crowds where deceptive users of people gather; anyone they thought were beneath them; they deceived and dumped. Unfortunately for me; I was in close proximity with people like this; these sociopathic snobs; on a daily basis when young... And I had no idea about; or that anything was wrong... I thought I was around normal people; and I was a normal kid with normal friends...
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TOday; I work with a higher power; and I will learn to go down my own lane working and co creating with God on the things I want to become; and I will certainly keep it quite from those who think they are superior to me; those are the last people on earth I want to associate with. Anyone that will cause me problems.
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HEres the deal!!!
I start out on my own lane. I pray and meditate and set forth some goals; and work with God to manifest them; attract them. If I have a goal for something lofty and its at a certain frequency level; THen; Ill work with God to get up to that level; and cross over into my goal once Im at that goals level. And all of this a journey through God from God...
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If within my Goal I want to something I do not see how I can obtain; Ill work with God for a workable plan that will get me to what I want...
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I will not have Well -To -DO fake monster friends; fake friends; that are not supporting me psychologically on my journey. Or who are undermining my development on purpose for their kicks...
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THe point is; today; Im not going to hang out with someone with a degree in Architecture; Instead; Ill take the lonely road; stay away from those people lording it over others; and within the recovery process; Ill get my own degrees without hanging out with important people. However, this means; no more co dependent relationships for stability with people that look right but are Jackals inside. My GOd; I mean; I was with the worst type of monsters; its incredible as I look back. Its So Sad all the damage that was done... However; Im learning; Ive learned to un done spun...
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And this is already beginning. In fact; new people have been showing up to help. Today; I am asking God for authentic helpers to show up in my life and I would say they are showing up; its beginning. Im not saying Im any good at manifesting anything; We will see; Im working on it; done OKE so fare... I guess. But today; no more spoiled superior deceptive types jumping into the arena claiming to be one thing; and then turning and destroying everything and running of scott free...
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Today; Im in my own dry lane. Its like an empty cave; its cozy warm and empty accept Im in it; but if I want more; Ill have to work with higher power; get to know my own lane; work with the universe on what is to be created down that lane; whether; schooling degrees; talents social success; money; relationships; Ill be doing the work to created them with Gods help and the recovery support; Ill be working with God... Ill be doing his work myself; even tho my self esteem is terrible; so is my self worth in these area; areas of how well I feel I match up to the other people in society. Im doing better tho... And I can see; its a ball of anger when I go down my own lane; and Ill work with God to work through the trauma causing this mass anger...
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If I get hit with big triggers stopping me down my lane from functioning further toward my goals; Ill work with the universe on solutions for this and keep going at it until something breaks lose and I start over.
The point is; because I have no codependency; ITs up to me. Its all up to me. Im up to speed on some things.. Its up to me when I start. I might be screaming bloody murder from the pain of developing something down my path. I think today thats just fine; its Oke; Ill take the pain. Ill deal with it; look for answer from the universe; I dont quit today; I mean that; no reason to; its not part of my personality anymore. That doesn't mean Ill be able to bolt ahead... Ill have an excruciating time developing anything; slowly learning how to come out of my slothful state. This will take horrible amounts and long periods of growth to change; Im up for that!! ... We will see. I know that; I will learn how to get my own degrees and learning and schooling for what I REALLY want to do with my life.. No one else involved when its all about the work I do and the practice to get better at something. Ill learn about this; how to become one of those people; doing my own work get better. And it scares me to say that; i dont have the self esteem for that.
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What if I dont like myself down my lane... What if I cant move or I have overwhelming hatred or loathing nor work ethic or value for something but I still want that something. What if I want to write a symphony but I dont know how; what if its way to much work for me to sit in one place; what if i dont get anything for it; meaning instant gratification. What if i feel like Im getting used by society for even attempting such a thing.. It triggers the neglect from my childhood...
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What do I do; Well; Today; I continue on my own lane; I dont jump ship; Instead; I stop and work work with a higher power and new strategies... and I work within the recovery process and seek support; and Ill continue with this until movement begins.
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Dissociative disorder means its hard to smash from the present creating a future; its almost to much; its over my head; the trauma and anger and hatred it creates; the CPTSD problems; and triggering.. and so on...
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Today; Im leaning to keep my goal and go after it anyway. If I need a purpose behind it ( why am I doing this thing; for who or what reason; what do I get out of it); regardless; Ill ask my higher power for help with purpose journey to learn a confidence that its worth pursuing anything I want to pursue.
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DEVELOPMENT:
The lost Art of childhood development; Ill be going back into this and taken down a journey to learn how to develop myself; something I missed when young. Is any of this easy; maybe not; may appear impossible; in fact all of it does; but that wont stop me and doesn't have to these days...
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The goal is to work with God to get my independence back and get support; the equivalent of family support in other forms. Keep bowing down to God.
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The number one goal is; Getting all information and feelings and concepts; get them out of my nervous system concerning my first love. Move on from her. The first thing that has to happen; I have to see her for the scum-bag murder'r people like her are... See this sycophant for what they are and move on from her.
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I must allow and ask the universe and God to please help me replace what-ever I need in the present when I focus again on the present.
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Video games; Having a bit of a problem; I cant stop buying them; little to easy; so Ill be working on that. Hopefully Ill put my focus on something new; something other; something else... Ill work with God on this!
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