September 2025
August 2025
The Phase serious included 2 goals; Playing created music live and a girlfriend.
a new goal has been added; CAR! Thus; three goals not 2.
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First goal; Music creation performance; Solved.
Girlfriend; 50% worked through; Having progress; still long way to journey to breaking through.
Car; 1% introduction... Just starting....
Car;
Ive just begun to explore " CAR"; Meaning personal transportation.. The maturity of being in need or want to explore to new regions... Thus requires transportation; it is upon me. Emotional age; 13-15....
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I have vacation goals. I am now researching the best solutions and working with God on this. I can tell so far; suddenly Im Edging God Out! Suddenly Ive taken over aggressively to find a quick scheme answer for this question.. 10% God; 90% Me; taking over. This needs to be reversed; and thats where the work is. This needs to read; 90% GOd; 10% me; in waiting humbly; waiting humbly for the answers from the universe; I may write as many wonderful stories about driving and traveling about in my car as I would like; ALl the adventures I incur; I can also meditate all I want on chosen subjects of a guidance meditation type; like Manifesting. I can draw pictures of pathways; Gods pathways and I discovering steps to my goals...
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I have a deep dark sickening history with cars; and I need to start at the beginning of the story; dig through it in an investigative standard until it is cleared out; the sun and air have rushed into it drying out the death grip of anger it has on my. Low self esteem through sorrow and abuse and discardment occur in those years... I need to get to the base of such things... and rip through it; clean up that field until nothing remains but a grassy well cut watered lawn.... Nothing like Fresh Cut Grass...
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NOTE: Serious bullying and abuse and massive abandonment and neglect; Sexual abuse.. the complete destruction of my schooling and future.
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No development in my grade school years that would lead me to a car or driving; I missed much during those beginning years that would set me up to be pre set up for the years to come that would develop a foundation that would make me a builder of things and thus to procure a car...
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Im missing much. I had nothing and spent my time in a kind of empty resentment state of loneliness as a discarded throwaway.
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So; Now its time to start over from the beginning and with Gods help; do this all over again. This time cleaning out the manipulation of the old and securing helpers from God to form me into who I am suppose to be; the developing of self...
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Im not developed to have a car; I started dissociating long before this would happen... Im missing numerous primary years of human involvement, participation and connection; its like I hit a point of final disconnect when in my early grade school years. I spent the rest of the time disconnected and dissociated. In fact; Ill say I was dissociated at 4 years old... I remember... I believe that's what I would call my state as I remember it; a kind of defensive survival shut down shut off dissociation. I never awoke. I was never able to really be; or be present to participate in anything; I was able to run off alone and watch that behavior on TV shows; silently hoping or waiting until I got older and it was safe and I could participate. THat never happened; the psychopaths made sure of it; In the 5th grade they stripped us of everything and dumped us; on purpose...
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I now want to spend time learning and finding solutions for this; Its like Im behind a Anxiety wall force field that keeps me immature...
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I am trying to break this wall down. Im sure at some point I will. However, 2 areas of this wall exist; First the wall gets torn down for the sake of maturity concerning a car; Next; The money for the car; these are 2 walls within one wall. Lots of challenges here; Lots of pain with no development...
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I remember starting to develop when very young 4-6; or wanting to; Suddenly a gap or divide... Nothingness; and then I was thrown into the world of developing; but I was dissociated; so there would be no development; I would slide along but would not participate; I could not; I could see but not move. I was locked deep within my body and would not come out into reality; Reality was 100 miles away..
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Im starting to see it and feel it. Im seeing a past where I thought others were going to help me develop; I thought they were my friends; they were not... I didnt know; they left me; they could care less... They were the types trying to get away with something against someone else...
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NOTE: Im working with God to get in touch with the ground again and my life and the realities of being on my own and working with God and learning how to function on my own and stand up for myself and learn how to work with God on things.
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I can look back and I can see it; what I needed and what God wanted for me. He wanted me to develop; but I would have to ask God for help for this and mean it; and get on my knees and scream out for GOd to help me over n over and mean it; and I would ask for helpers to show up specifically sent by GOd...
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In the past; I went out on my own and found helpers; they did not end up helpers; they were jackals dressed as saints with a false light... Thats because I was in a world of the unknown.
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In some of the other areas Ive written about and worked on; nothing is as worse then these 2 areas; Money and Cars. This are some of the most earliest ruined areas of my life; where I was stomped out or controlled out of my own good and development; almost picked up off the ground by a demon and slowly hovered forward for years without being able to be on the ground and grow and grow with my own patrons... I did not develop.
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Now Im scared to death to develop. However, Im willing to go back in time and start this all over again; Get on my knees and allow God in to start the pre process of the pre process of the pre process of the pre process concerning Money and Cars.
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Im seeing a picture of myself in second grade. Im completely detached at that age from any of what Im talking about in this blog; So; Ill have to go back to that age; That means getting over allot of anger between now and second grade. So; let it begin.
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So;
MONEY has also been opened up as a goal; but not yet a primary goal; because Im working on the other goals
THe idea is to get my independence back and learn to work with God.
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Another important goals;
House stability;
I was abandon out of my house; Had the house and life abandon out from under me; I lost my childhood and my childhood street, home; neighborhood and home town; relationship with any relatives and all my friends and all dreams that go with that life I had before I was thrown away.
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However, another more sinister move was plotted against me when a young teenager; done by my mother;
To create a sense of being thrown out or dejected rejected on every move; when I was forced to live with her when 13 to 14-15-16-17... I was treated as a second class citizen and it just got worse with time because I was not wanted there; soon a hardened phobia of becoming a bum or a throw away. I was being taught I was not good enough to be alive or treated like any kind of human being; and a feeling of; I was personally not wanted in their home or by anyone else on planet earth. They wanted me out as if I was a stranger or scum or something; not part of that family; nothing. To a point of true prejudice; pure rejection.
This created a kind of fear dissociation of ever being in a house again or trusting anyone again in a house; or feeling like I was good enough to belong in a house; and I was not wanted in a house or neighborhood by anyone. I could not go into neighborhoods anymore; I had been rejected by so many people.
And that I was not good enough to be part of a neighborhood anymore or anything or anyone. It was like I was being dissolved out of the minds of the human race. It was like I was being dissolved off planet earth.
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So; Im asking God to set me back again into a house so I can feel safe and redeveloped again. I dont know yet what this means or looks like. ITs God setting me back in a neighborhood again as a regular nice human being again. I guess..
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So; Ive got to work through ages; 14,15,16,17,18, 19, 20. These years have to do with Cars; money; work, relationships; establishing myself in life and establishing my interests; it was all dissociated out. I never developed nor had a place to develop; nothing; I was completely dejected and wanted gone... So; now; Im working with the universe on this.
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THe first thing Im supposed to do; Work on Plastic model kits; Thats the feeling I got to start with; Start working on them again...
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