September 2025
August 2025
Stuck in trauma bond in the present; trauma bond; a continuing trauma bond from the past or continuing in the present. looking to go beyond it...
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CPTSD/PTSD. Dissociative disorder.
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My thoughts are not thoughts of past tense; However; PTSD long term exists; from grade school and junior high years; High school years… All has to be looked at and worked out. And I don’t know how. I do but I dont; Ill have to work with God on this; on what I was suppose to be doing during those years; I missed vital years and experiences for my maturity into society and growth.
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I have worked out the problem with the girl from the past enough… At least Iv gotten my power back and maybe a bit of sanity. I can move on... Yes I can... And that is great news!
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Im also able to sit and talk privately with other women now and build relationships with them and build them up; saying great things to them; about them; making them feel wonderful and loved and cared about and noticed; and taking full interest in them. And this has been and continues to be great practice for a while; so its broken through that I can do this again. But I have no one to do it with for the potential of a romantic relationship... I dont know anyone...
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MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE: I consider these people the most dangerous people on earth; the average citizen... They will lead me on and throw me away like its a game; its no loss to them; they dont really have a serious relationship with God so they dont have to be under Gods realm...
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Bill One of the FOunding members of AA; He had to get on his knees and scream out to God for help to change his life or parish... This is a person I consider under God who has a relationship with GOd; anyone else not at this day to day level with God; Im not interested.
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Im not able to be with with women I would sleep with or women I would have a longer relationship with. I get stuck in the past.. I get stuck at age 14…
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NOTE: Ill work through this; I mean; I can feel the intimidation and fear; its scary; its just so much more maturity then Im at; sleeping with women; long term relationships with them; Im exhausted just looking at this. It to much work without any rewards... Its just such a deep gamble... Ill have to mature and get over it.. Ill work with God on how I do that. Part of me seriously does not want to get hurt.. Im tired of it; I mean; thats not why I was born... its sickening. Ill have to feel good enough about myself to be around the right people. Shallow headed middle class people wont do... So; I have to get to a point of opening it up with single women...
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NOTE; I would like to get in shape and lose weight; unbelievable.
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Note; I know women I would like to sleep with but not date... And this has been a dilemma; Ive not had much of a good thought toward middle class people.. I dont want them or to be caught up with them; i dont have the physical things they have nor the background. I guess Ill have to start writing about what Im looking for... Ill bring God into it and have to toe the line; hold the line...
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NOTE: So this women thing has to open up; on all fronts; it just has to... I have to; but slowly; but still. I have to kind of get over the anger and pain of my past; If things dont work out with someone else; I have to walk away... until i find the right kind of people.
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So… Im trying…
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TRAUMA BOND!
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I think my first love; she was my mother; it was all my mother feelings but on to her; and that is good but not good; Im going to be fooled and my personality ruptured by this person; for I meant nothing to her; she was playing me the whole time; she was a complete stranger who wanted to play a sick sadistic game and see how far she could take it… It matters? But it doesn’t; because I already worked through this. This person does not exist; This person made the mistake of opening up in the past that I meant nothing to her; That suggests the whole thing was game… there was no one that liked me from the start or had any interest in me.
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Or it wasnt a game; And she simply had no interest from the start and no feeling from the start and I meant nothing to her from the start to the finish and it goes no further then that; No game. Nothing. Just a private person who was a stranger... And that is much closer to the truth... I was not invited to her house correctly.. She never wanted to meet me... I would have never met her in the first place.. I literally would have never met her if my brother had not invited me to go with him and her brother in his car to her house... She never knew anything about it... I showed up; She had absolutely no interest... I wish someone would have told me right from the start; but no one really knew what was going on... it would have been best for me to have left that instance that I showed up at that house; just stayed quite; got back in the car and went home; However, it if did; I was be left with the same loneliness Im feeling now.
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So; How do I deal with my loneliness; and their it is; Well; I groom myself up and go get me a girlfriend; Thats what I do. And that is where the problem starts; but its a problem of immaturity and bashfulness. Im almost ready for it. But Im not; A place exists in me thats not taken care of yet; and its a place of dissociation; and its driving me crazy! Im not sure I can name it; Sexual abuse time period? Something. A time of undevelopment; 12 years old.
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So; Im indicating 2 things;
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1. A part of me is ready to go more than ever before; Not up to speed yet; but worked out many pretzel type kinks in the hose; lots of them to be ready...
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2. Not ready; victimized by different PTSD time periods within me I haven't worked out yet...
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3. The outcome of all this; On the negative; I got to think bigger... better; expand more...
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4. Taking chances socially; this can really scare me... I can try... work at it; so scared of being rejected as nothing. I will do it anyway( under Gods help... and Ill be going down Gods pathways... I will see where GOd wants me; what trail I have to go down to meet the right people; and learn to go down it; Im so rebellious about this... THe whole thing sickens me... hate it. I seem to hate the experience of having to go back down that same trail keeping my hands to myself as I float down energy river; I will practice this... I will practice my journey God put me on that Im suppose to be on... hurts
First Love;
The key factor to this; I was asked to meet this person by liars; who had no business asking anyone to meet anyone. They were both sociopaths playing games with people; including me. It was all a mistake… it was a mistake for me to go with them in the first place. What was I supposed to be doing instead… I was suppose to go in the direction of God; and thats what Im trying to do right now… Break away and go in the direction of God.
NOTE; I hate saying this; ( was she really the perpetrator or was she just as much a victim by those 2 guys who brought me up to her house as I was; I never asked to meet her; she never suggested meeting me; she was a stranger; if this was a do over; certainly; I would have been silent when meeting her; I would have immediately turned around and left.
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NOTE: As I look back and remember this girl in high school; Im starting to realize; when she came up to me in the cafeteria or what ever; it was all a game and a lie to her; she never had a thing for me in the first place; she felt nothing for me at that moment; it hurt her nothing to see me or be gone from me for ever; she was laughing all the way to the bank from the beginning... The point is; if I can see it this way; I can become free from it; And Im already free from it... Im still trying to work out the loose ends of strange moments that I gave significant value at the time; that make no sense to me now...
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NOTE: I just caught myself looking at the online calculator on Windows 11... I noticed; I was looking at more significant complex number cymbals on the calculator; I began to reminisce about being a mathematician; and this lasted a few seconds of purity; then suddenly; BAM; My mind switched out to negative horrible horror and abusive torturing thoughts coming down on me; negative language toward me putting me down; it was so fast; it was night n day; Suddenly I was taken over... And this is what has stopped me from moving forward in any direction. And this lasts; this switch out and my mind is completely taken over and I can move or do anything...
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However; I was able to stop long enough and hold my own thoughts and hold my own . And for those few seconds of interlude; I may have beat'n the system... Gotten my brain back during that vital in between time. I may have... Just long enough to notice I was winning the game...
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Im looking to get more time in; time in a neutral spot not taken by the other sides of me bashing me in; abusing me...
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This neutral time period; its me owning me; In this time slot; I can do anything or be anything; im in control. Its a time out for the PTSD that shows the sexual abuser controlling me and making me feel unsafe if I move in any one direction.
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Most of my problem is when Im not in control of my own mind...
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I will pray for the right spaces to practice my mind.... practice things for my mind in safe spaces... out in the real world.
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OTHER COMPLAINTS;
One of my complaints in the real world; Im always dealing with people way more mature and less sensitive than me; people who are the opposite of me in many ways... I get ran over by them and thus discouraged. However; I think things are changing. Ill keep this going and practice this.
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NOTE; Music creation; Art creation; Women/dating/girlfriend... For success; They all have to do with me being in control of my own thinking; my own mind... Having those neutral seconds of non thought that I control. In a sense; its a form of complete control. If I can hang on to those non filled thoughts and just hold them; and learn to keep my mind filled with those neutral thoughts; I can control what I want to do... I can feel it; and its happening... I dont know what it means yet; its good; its what Ive been working for; but I dont know what it means practically speaking; not yet...
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NOTE: Controlling my own thoughts means; Im controlling the PTSD from flashbacking during those thoughts... I guess; something like that; Im keeping a clear window open for a while; So; Ill keep working on that. That is the kind of free mind Im looking for and I need if I want to accomplish things.
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More about feeling like im locked in a backyard;
I feel like a lock has locked me in a backyard I cant get out of; Its a foreign lock so I cant get a hold of the numbers to unlock it. I have to work with the universe.
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I can jump the fence; in fact I might practice in my imagination jumping the fence; once over the fence onto the field on the others side; building the kind of life on the other side of the fence I want… Theirs a beginning Idea. Its possible in my imagination;
I can see the horrible loneliness of jumping from my original life when young; the good times I remember. I am being pulled forward and away from original life; that's what it feels like. I feel like Im being more abandon.
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The problem is; im not attracting anything; Im not at an attractive frequency for anything… Im still being attacked through PTSD> Im trying to break away… So; the fight continues… I have a very negative angry brutal low level frequency.. violent. violence.
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Women; relationships..
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Its hard and a strange feeling to ever move forward emotionally away from my First love.. I simply never could see it in my imagination; it was to much for me; to sad; to hardening… Things have changed; Now that Ive worked through her and she is vapor; gone… Im left in a very strange feeling place.
Its still weird to think of dating normally again where I feel something for someone else… I can feel the jump or AVPD away from the person I might want to date… I jump away from them… Thats the compulsion; But Im not stopped like before.
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My First Love never existed; it existed in my head; I created the relationship in my head; the actual person never had a relationship with me nor said she had a relationship with me; she claimed she basically never knew me; I meant nothing to her and she never wanted to meet me in the first place.. The fact I meant nothing to her says everything I need to here… Thats not just a crucifying blow to my personality and soul. Its also a way out! Its an escape rout that I can start over or imagine she never existed… I can start over because she never existed… there was no one there that I had a relationship with; nothing; this was just another scammer… or a complete stranger who wanted nothing to do with me but would not say anything. THat may be closer to the truth. God never sent me up there to her... I went on my own volition.
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The goal is relationships with women and a car…
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To have relationships with women and to have a car; I have to grow beyond 6-7th grade. So I have to move beyond it. I have to move beyond the trauma of 4 years old; 5 years old; 6 years old.. and so on; 7 years old.. different times. I put my life on hold during those times…
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Im left as the one with Gods help; to get my life together… Im trying to wake up so I can take responsibility for it; its so hard to wake up… to respond…
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My mind has to be opened…. I have to work with God to take small and big chances to open it.
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When I think about money; it gets shut down. I cant afford it to shut down; I have to learn to believe Im going to receive money; The problem is; a part of me is so immature; that part of me is so tender and broken it cant conceive anything out here.. nothing; believes in nothing anymore.
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Well! The adult in me wants to believe in something; and thus; the adult in me has to get stronger; but that broken tender part of me is like a lake with no strong surface to walk over… it just caves in.
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Thus; I can tell you what I want; but I cant seem to make it happen; im stuck from the start and Im stuck along the journey. So; I keep working at it; and I will; the more open or honest I get about things.
I see things in journeys; taking a pathway; walking to my journey in my imagination. When its cleared in my imagination; it will be cleared out in life; I wont be stopped.
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If Im being stopped in the real world; Ill be able to find whats stopping me when I try the pathway in my imagination.
If I clear it in my imagination; It can show up cleared in real life…
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So; writing about it; I have to create pathways and really dig into the idea of clearing those pathways… and have them head toward my goals; even if I don’t now how they will be cleared out…
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The hardest time is my belief… I wont bow down enough to put God first.. Thats what I have to learn in all these areas; im not God and Im not In control; and thats the hardest thing for me to learn… Im working on it.
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So; Im starting to get somewhere.
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I think one of the problem is; The people Im associating with; are 12 step program people and not the most sensitive at times. Self centered I mean... they are sensitive or can be but dont always have my interests at heart... So; that can be kind of dangerous to my emotions when I bring things up; when I bring deep things up; Ill take this to the universe and see what direction im going...
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So; Im starting to see some changes... small ones in the right direction...
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NOTE; The changes in my thinking are a good sign; the idea of neutral thoughts; This is a great sign; this is what Art work is all about... not getting triggered of what Im suppose to do with it or where; as if Im answering to the world; those are all compulsive thoughts coming at me. When my mind is clear; maybe i can do some work.
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