September 2025
August 2025
The more I look at the past in order to come through it; the more the truth glares back at me; a truth I did not want to look at... " Im one of them"; Those weak people at the lowest end of society. When I mistakenly associated with those from a more privileged background; I got used, manipulated and discarded without even knowing it.
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I feel so stupid; Im one of those... Thats what happened to me; easily victimized; Special needs person.
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Im starting to see a more realistic bigger picture of things...
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I can see that when I landed or ended up at the wrong door steps; Those in charge could see right away I was a special needs person in trouble. They played it into the ground. They play acted as friend of mine or that they might be interested in being friends; it was fake... They were just sadistic.. THey thought they were playing with the disadvantaged and could get away with it; who would know... They were leading me on; but thats because I was no coincident. To them; I was a broken poor person; a special needs person who didnt really function but showed up at their door at times. They took advantage of it; faking me out as if they were interested in me as a person; when they weren't...
When they were done with this game they discarded me without a thought. So; that means I fooled no one. They knew I was a special needs person from the beginning and not one of them; they knew I didnt function. They saw someone they could play and trample.
I was just looking for any place that was safe... These were complete strangers..
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This happened more then once. Looking back at several different kinds of people I associated with; I can see them taking advantage of me from the beginning. They had no interest in me; they were just playing me. They were not my friends... They thought they were of a whole higher base in society them me. That I was at the bottom of the rung; When they quickly realized this; their contempt to smash me came out. WHen they saw I could not function; They saw me as weak; they wanted me gone.. They thought they were superior and I was one of the poor class; in a sense... And they hated what I represented more than life itself.
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Its important to get closure. So; Im starting to see what really happened with past false relationships. That means; no one really wanted to have a relationship with me; I was mentally ill. They were just playing me everytime I came up to visit them; I thought I was making a real friend. They were never my friends.
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I did not fool anyone; they knew I was mentally ill. They knew I did not function and could not respond; I appeared like a weakling they could take advantage of... I was desperately looking for love or acceptance or help...
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This is not knew.. this type of thing... Ive had it happen several times.
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It was hard to see myself in the role as the mentally ill person who was taken advantage of. Looking back. Im starting to see I was never accepted; not even as a human being; I was in the wrong neighborhood... People in those neighborhoods had no warmth for broken hearted people who could not function anymore... they trampled people like me all day long in one form or another... I dont necessarily mean physically trampled. They were privilege well to do kids or solid middle class kids.
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Kids that came from good middle class homes that had no loss and were use to security and some forms of privilege; These were the worst monsters of the poor... Nothing new here...
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For some reason I thought I would be accepted; What I didnt realize; they never saw me as one of them. They saw me as a special needs person from a lower station in life; and thus; they could abuse me in one form or another including leading me on; because they could get away with it. I would never be accepted; just the opposite; I should never go near people like that ever...
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They knew I could not function. THey were not my friends; they were bullies.
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For some reason I didnt want to believe it or accept it. But thats what happened; I fell right into the hands of these people.. I was rejected; dejected...
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Altho; in the 12 step meetings I attend; I see a vast amount of different types of people; I go to many different fellowships. I will see people and perpetrators similar to those I remember when young; those who took advantage of me; And they act very similar toward me... And once they realize Im not rich or affluent or functioning. Suddenly they dont take me seriously anymore; they discard me like an object. Its quite interesting; in the meetings...
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Its the exact thing I went through when young; the difference is; I might be in the same room with these people but I dont have to get close to them or near them... Ive seen their attitudes change toward me when they realized I was truly mentally ill and could not function; special needs; Suddenly they had no use for me anymore... I was socially out that quickly and their attitudes changed toward me like night n day. I was not taken seriously anymore...
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Im afraid some of the houses I visited when very young as a boy or a teenager; it was the same. I thought I was being treated with respect as an equal; when in reality I was being led on and nothing more... When they were tired of playing that game; they discarded me. There was no relationship between me and those people.
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Ive met people similar to those exact type of spoiled upper middle class people; Ive met that kind of privileged person in the meetings; they lead people on; play people; use people. They rope them in giving emplying promises they will never keep; teasing others; leading others on that maybe those others have a chance with them.
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I just sit back and completely stay to myself; I wont go near them. If I see them; I go the other way. They've tried to play me before; but Ive been around... I know better.. its pure evil; its sickening. And they are dangerous people that use people openly; lead them on; get their hopes up just to pull the rug out on them; they think they are entitled to do this to anyone they want. I stay clear of them.
Ive had them try this on me; They act interested and totally friendly and inviting. I dont take the bait.. I ignore them; walk away; turn my head sit down and keep to myself.
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Im learning today that nobody had an interest in me. Not these type of people in these meetings or anyone from my past. I would have been better if I had been alone....
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Looking back at just about all relationships I had when young; almost all of them were nothing more then people who knew I was in trouble and took advantage of it; or knew I didnt function and could not handle reality; I was to weak; so they played me the whole time... They were not my friends... I had no idea...
In some cases; Like my First Love; ( there was no First Love; this was just one of those privileged people playing me); I was so confused and finally I started waking up; and when that happened I began to see there true colors.. I got discarded...
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Here's the deal; I wanted to be like everyone else; be accepted by everyone else; it never happened; No one accepted me; no one cared. Maybe a few people on the south side when I was a very young boy; other then that; socially; no one. I never got past first base and I never got invited! I never got started.
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I did try to make a friend and show up at there house; but they were no friends... and they didnt want me at their house. They new I had mental health problems and could play me and get away with it and probably not get caught.
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No one ever accepted me; I was fooling myself. I thought I could walk up to some popular persons house and make friends with them and be accepted like everyone else; it never worked; they spotted me a mile away... I was just setting myself up to be humiliated and degraded and thats what happened. I was never accepted because I was different then them. I was not functioning... I was broken... I could not function. ITs always been that way.
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My False best friend I met in first grade; all the way through grade school; later in my teen years when I got around him and his family again. He said something very strange to me one day; I said "my parents know you are mentally ill".
And I thought; This means; they knew it from the start. They were not my friends... They thought I had problems from the very first day I met them. This kid I thought of as my best friend was fooling me; was not my friend... He was never around me because he liked me; he was not my friend. ITs a better bet that when I came to the door; his mother felt a kind of child mother bond for me; I was about 5 years old. And wouldnt turn me away or her middle or upper middle class Christian culturism; she felt guilted into help me. That means she saw me as a throw away latchkey kid with no family. Her son didnt want anything to do with me; I never knew that. He was a stranger. I was like this extra added on person who showed up to there house hold. And I could not show up unless she had a reason for having me there... She had to make an excuse for having me there. As If I was some kind of throw away object and this was a Tv movie. I was a second class citizen in their little game.
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I thought I was being invited as an equal; I was not; I was being invited as the lowest form of society stigma there is. They felt sorry for me. If I had known this I would have never associated with them ever.
However; whats important here is; These type of people will never accept me ever under any circumstance. Never.
Because i didnt know this when young; I was putting myself in situation where other rich kids could tear me to pieces psychologically simply because I showed up at there houses. When they found out I was one of those people; Those losers who didnt function; one of those weak disabled people; those types; I was thrown away... I was played first... and then thrown away; discarded.
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Ive had the same thing happen by many people in the meetings Ive gone to; usually people with money or affluent backgrounds who have to go to 12 step meetings for some reason.
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Ive seen them accept me at first; but when they realize Im part of the poor; Suddenly Im detested and of no value. NO PROBLEM; In the meetings I know better; I would never allow them any emotional importance in my life to begin with. The point is; they are 2 faced and ruthless... They only listen to a person if he has money. Anyone else without social status bores them.
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Im learning allot about how people see me. In the meetings; some poeple have tried to treat me the same way; walk over me. I sit back and watch and take notes and learn. I dont take it personally. Im watching a re run of how people treated me in the past and why! I can see the contempt in some of the people in the meetings; THey think they are better then... or more superior. However, I get to sit back and watch... And when I watch; I see how I was treated when I was a boy or a teenager by these other affluent people when young; and I understand. They were never my friends... They never accepted me in the first place because they saw through me right from the start; they knew I was not in there league; They were just playing me the whole time.
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Ive seen many middle class people without any disabilities.. Most of them discard me very quickly once they realize I cant function. When they first meet me they think its low self esteem; when they realize Ive got real problems; its over; they get a kind of stuck up contempt for me and keep their distance.
In some cases with more wealthy people; THey really really have a rotten hatred and contempt for me and they really keep their distance... They wont listen to me at all. They look down on me like I was garbage at the local dump site.
Because of all this feedback; Im starting to understand I never fooled anyone when young; they never saw me as an equal; I never got away with it. I thought I was fooling all these people. or I was being accepted by all these people when young; I was making friends; I was being respected?. I was not!; nothing could have been further from the truth. So; I really lost nothing by never being accepted by any of those people when young. Its still a let down; its still hard but I have God; and the truth is good enough...
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So; closure is what I seek from all these blogs; getting to a point of closer. I was never accepted by people in the first place; I just thought I was being accepted.
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I would stand with them or sit with them thinking I was one of them; in reality; I was being ignored and never noticed... And in the end I meant nothing to those people... Not even remembered; Not remembered by any of them. So; I turn to God and accept the truth of the past. And as ive said; Ive learned about people in the present and how theyve treated me. Ive learned allot about the people from the past from dealing with the people in the present...
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