September 2025
August 2025
Im getting closer;
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The point of the PHASE Serious was to work through FIRst Love until she is gone. This started last year in June. I took a trip to the coast; Rode my bike around and the thoughts came to me from the universe. And a whole section of new ideas on how to handle the history of my first love.
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Now; Im getting close to the real truth about what happened in this horrible tragedy.
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I innocently wanted a friend. THe most innocent and sensitive part of me just wanted a friend; someone I could genuinely trust.
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Atho I called her and was around her at times and wanted to get close to her; she never wanted me as a friend. Ultimately it means she never really wanted to meet me. She never really wanted me to call her and she never really wanted me to go up to her house.. She did not want me visiting her... She didnt want my friendship.
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Its not that Im mad at her or anyone else who doesnt want me or doesnt want my friendship. I just never knew... And it will take months n months to uncover.. and I will be destroyed by that time because I believe she does like me or want me as a friend. Im believing all the time she wants me as a friend according to her behavior. Unfortunately; for what ever reason; she is play acting as if she really wants to be my friend; but its not true; She does not connect with me; IT is false. She is a lair for what ever reason. I guess it doesnt really matter why! THe fact is; she didnt want to be my friend. ANd that is devastating; so devastating and horrible to me. Because no one that I know of ever wanted me or wanted to hook up with me or get close to me. No one. And they still dont.
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THe difference now is; I have a good relationship with GOd first through the recovery process; so; Im learning how to love myself and feel fulfilled. ANd GOd is with me. I mean; Its great...
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As for a real friend. I have to learn my lesson and I hope I have. I must go down no other pathway then GOds pathway and practice. and practice no other developmental issues. It is in this pathway and only in this pathway I will manifest a friend. This friend will come from GOd and God will make her materialize... I can go to no other pathway. THus I have to learn to work with what Ive got down no other pathway. Ill have to take the responsibility to work within that pathway on what I want. I reach up to GOd and work with God right then for what I want; directly with GOd down GOds pathway.
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ITs sad to me Ive never had a friend. Ive tried; Ive been suckered out... meaning; people were just fooling me.
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So; Now; Im working with God on God bringing someone trustworthy; attracting them; working with God to build my frequency higher or what ever it will take; Ill stay out of what I think it will take and bow down to God and ask; Ill do this right now!
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FIRST LOVE:
So; Their was a mistake made; I made a mistake ever going over their in the first place.
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THE POINT OF THESE BLOGS: CONCERING FIRST LOVE:
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GOd cant move me on emotionally to anything new until she is understood and gone. I need to understand what happened here. ANd Im getting closer...
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IT was an adventure gone bad. And now Im trying to see myself slowly and secretively slip away from here; slowly backing up; looking behind me and very slowly backing up and going back to where I came from.. Seeing myself take back steps very slowly very quietly stealth like back to out to the pathway I started from; slowly defensively cautiously; moving backward... slowly watching what is in front of and behind me; watching; and slowly secretly moving backward out of site of everything and everyone one; slowly backtracking until I make it home and then slipping through the door up the stairs back to my room with the door shut and locked.
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In my imagination this time. Im back to where i started; but this time I get on my face and pray and work with God this time... Im a bit less sore then when it really happened... right now I see myself praying in my room and just working with God and getting used to it and leaving it at that... and accepting that...
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Im trying to or am or want to be working down Gods pathway and no others and accept that; and I think I have now. Im more glad to be down only Gods pathway; Ive not been protected by anything else.
If I want something; Ill work within those perimeter's in my imagination.
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Ill keep working on FIRST LOVE; Slowly breaking away with Gods' help. Ill go down new smaller journeys that answer questions about my first love I could not answer at the time; I had no answers; I need those answers to let go of her fully; its all on GOds shoulders. Ill work with GOd.
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Its devastatingly painful and to much to handle at one time; thats why its being broken up into pieces.
THe devastation caught me off guard when young; I was completely open no defenses up; and I was slaughtered because of it. I never saw it coming; it was like getting on the Titanic and going down with the ship because I never saw it coming.. I just had no idea it was going to sink!
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So; Here I am in the best place Ive ever been concerning this matter. This is the best Ive ever been. So; no greater time to work on this with the universe then right now!
Our partner
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