September 2025
August 2025
I seem to be onto something.. I mentioned a few blogs back; The whole world has opened up. Ive birthed through my wounds into a present reality; a quantum shift/leap.
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Im seeing where this landfill is flowing; this sandy beach submerges into the cool blue quite water... its only memories are childrens splash signs symbolically carved in the undertow cruising the ground with the light-fish swimming it.
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Im at a better frequency; a different frequency. Its an aligned frequency. I remember it; I was here as a boy...
GOALS:
1. Community college class
2. Girl friend...
3. Music creation time period everyday.
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1. Community college class; I talked today at a meeting of how hard it is for me to go to a college campus and take a class; Its almost impossible. Its impossible to take a class; ITs not possible right now. I dont now when it would be possible. But Im closer. And my attitude is better stronger and more independent from the horror of the past. Dissociation fear; PTSD... Anxiety disorder; Avpd...
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Its possible; but not yet. Id have to be present within myself; and I think that may happen or can happen; but not yet... Im getting better; Ive show changes... So... But not yet...
I want that back; I want my ability back to function again.
SOlutions;
First; Id have to create a pathway in my imagination that is complete and strong from where Im at to the community college; within my imagination; a very very strong set of steps in my imagination and bridges and ladders set down across gullies and gaps that hinder me from crossing; all in my imagination. I would have to build a strong highway in my mind of a solid smooth path right up to the Community colleges doors.. That is the first and most important aspect right now...
Next; Id have to pick a class and want to participate and do well. Id start with art classes. As for a more technical class; Like a math class; I would have to be a whole other me to fee; free and independent enough for something like that; a whole other person. That may be possible. I dont know. So much damage has been done to my nervous system... to trust anything around me to feel safe... So... but that is the goal.
And I think I can accomplish the ability to go to the community college and take Art classes. At some point; that is my goal. And that is next-step goal; Im not there yet. I mean; thats after several other paradigm shifts. So; it will be much in time from here now... This can occur later maybe; I dont know yet; thats a whole other set of realities. I would have to heal up more; much more; possible? One step at a time; and may smaller experiences before that building up to that.
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2; Girlfriend; In order to have a girlfriend; several things must occur. First; I must tell the truth. Im still narcissistic acting; grandiose... I have to learn to tell the truth; humble myself about my surroundings; my life.
I dont even own a car... I mean!!!!
Id have to tell the truth... Im not able to even take a class at a community college; Anxiety disorder And other things. I would probably only bring up the anxiety disorder and how it stops me completely. Im on state help and social security... I dont have to bring that all up at once; but I do! I mean. I dont of course... I mean; when Im at that point of a more relaxed situation. The point is; its not something to be ashamed about.. Thats the problem; I would have been doing good things for myself in spite of it; and would feel good or proud about myself; and thats how I want to feel around people. THe right people. That attitude of; " Im to good to be seen like this" That has to go. I am exactly what I am. And Ive been ashamed to be me. So; I want to start living my life the way Im suppose to and thus I wont care as much that Im on disability... or special needs... help! But I do need it.
I want to do more with my life right now. Ive got these next level goals..
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So; I have to practice so I can become comfortable with others telling people who I am; and not worrying bout what they think. I have to learn to feel good about myself as I am. So; first I have to get strong with myself and feel good about myself; and thats what Im working on. In the future I want to learn to how to feel open around the right people; tell them the truth... and just accept it... and me. And move on... I want to learn how to do that and feel good about myself. I will pray about this and pray about this whole concept unceasingly. Anyway; this is actually a goal. And ill be praying about it... and writing stories about it from a success based position... visualizing it. Going out and practicing it. However; this is a long term goal.. And this will be the first goal concerning the later meeting of new people....
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Next goal is health; Losing weight. And I have some ideas.
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3. Music creation; 10 minutes of classical music written a day. I would never start with this... This is a massive amount of finished music per day; in classical music for me.
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I would start out with something much less and slowly work up as I become more skilled.
At first I would be sloppy crude and beginning. its been a while. I think later I would want to write something more decent within the day... Anyway; This is kind of what one aspect of my music will look like in the future... its about finishing or writing a certain amount everyday... And there it is.
It would be cool to take this seriously again and see myself getting into it on a daily basis.
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