September 2025
August 2025
Im starting to see it as I heal; its a base issue when I was very young; 0-7; My mother did not love me. Im seeking the approval of my mother; the acceptance; the love. I want someone to love me; I want my mother to love me. I want the safety of actual love; when someone actually loves me. I can feel the fear when they are acting but love is not around me and its fake... They have a hatred for me or they hate... and I can tell and I can feel it.
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I can see it; I was never loved and Im worth more than this. When dealing with women; Im not trying to get their love; Im trying to make sure they are safe first before I approach them; and they all fail; they all flunk; all of them! And that is whats got me at the end of my rope. I want even let them near me because of treachery...
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Okay; what kind of women have I dealt with; Unfortunately; its been a large mix of different type of women; So; I dont trust any of them from any background. Fair enough; One could say Im biased and only attracting someone to my that is like myself; no matter what I do I always attract someone like myself with loathing and contempt and hate toward the opposite sex... But first; thats not true; a decent person I have no problem with; its the criminals in the world; so; Im attracting all the criminals; It's not women in general I like or dislike; Actually I crave them; love them and want them; thats all I think about... But the ones that show up are not the soft bunnies Im thinking about; they are treacherous like my mother.
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My Mother;
But I think I have proven my mother was a product of her mother and father/step father; a horrible nightmare; gruesome torture chamber that will change someone within months; These monsters that destroyed my mother and turned her into a psychopath; they had destroyed me within months....
Who ever may be reading this; Understand; I am no taking the side of the psychopaths; no one has to do such a sick gruesome thing. The psychopath who was my mother; no mother existed at that point; So; Im speaking about a person (my mother); from the ages of 0-5. And I speak about her because I know of real intricate histories of her life from the beginning of her life; I have knowledge about things concerning her. So; I look at that facts; The evidence points very strongly; strong enough to win a case in my favor; that her parents did this to her; turned her into a complete monsters; they took an innocent little kid and completely mangled it into a psychopathic sadistic monstrous-ee-ness entity. I dont care about psychopaths; they are child murder's and destroyers of human existence... Im just stating facts... And those are important facts for my own story as if unfolds. I dont hang out with cyanid or make out with power lines; Just saying; I stay away from such things.. I like myself to much.... Im not suggesting an interest in psychopaths; but I do have an interest in my mother at any point where she may have been a real human being.... where the light could have shown through. I know what those monsters did to her; I saw and felt what they did to me and how easy it was to completely dismantle a child if they could kidnap that child and get complete control of it. I dont know if I will never be over the continued violations I witnessed and experiences by those satanic arbiters...
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Heres my point of this; I dont feel safe because no one proves their safety; No one seems to think Im worth it. Thus; Im around the wrong people. But where do I go to find decent people and not worthless or corrupt or satanic Godless people. Where. Thats all Im saying. Ill have to work with the laws of attraction to attract a girl. But that means; I attract what I am and Ill have to become a nice person with no defenses up; Is that what it means?
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It makes no sense but it does. Im looking for women in all the wrong places and attracting what I hate... and I want what I hate to change and I want to save them and re mold them but it wont work; they never came to me to be remolded. They came to me to manipulate me with a smile on their faces... And sorrow takes me over because I cant do anything with that; I just walk away.
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But I am getting it; Im getting closer. I wanted a mom that loved me; that is what I seek,. I want to be loved by someone but they must first prove they are safe; But no one has ever done it; why? I was Never worth it to them because they are corrupt. And that stuns me. I did not expect that. I mean; I expected to find maybe one worthless person; but My God; not all of these people; this is to much; Where the Hell do I hide...
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So; Im going to have to wake up to reality and fishing somewhere else; and thats whats happening here; Im fishing at the wrong fishing hole and Im going to have to find a better camp ground.
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However, God does send these people to me. And Im suppose to_______? Love them? Im not sure... Maybe nothing. They are Toxic; Good! thats what Im trying to say and I cant be around them. But I mean; most are evil and the all stops because of it.
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Again.
Im seeing it; I want a mother; I want to be loved and I want someone to prove it. I want them to be safe... So; I keep focusing on the wrong ally way for them to show up... I hate the idea Im in the wrong ally; But Ill have to listen to God... Ill have to turn toward God for what Im seeking and go down that ally way. And Im holy scared I cant complete for what I want; Im not good enough; Im not developed enough... Ill work with God on it and learn not to switch lanes I guess. This is going to hard... I can feel the pressure...
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Im missing some kind of responsibility with a girlfriend. Im not feeling safe to go outside.
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scared to be physically open with women; withdrawn and scared. Ill pray about it.
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Feel scared with everything; The main fear is the sexual abuser; I could not fight back; I had to live their. I was just a kid. I had no place to run and hid; nothing.
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I dont feel good enough or qualified to be around women. I feel like a little innocent kid that isn't good enough to be loved by anyone.
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I ghost'm; head toward God and see who shows up; But I dont do that. I can feel the abusers in me controlling me with fear; the sexual abusers.....abuser.
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fear around women because I dont like them or trust them. If I could find some I like; things would be different. If I could find some that were nice and normal and friendly and valued me and that they were safe; that would be much different I could let my guard down. I could be my innocent self. But in all sadness; all I can do now is walk away.
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Ive dealt with all kinds of women from all walks of life; It doesn't matter...
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Im so tired of dealing with them; I just want some place to rest my head... its never ending....
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It seems theirs no one their that trusts me or respects me.. Ive done nothing to them; nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing... This is just unbelievable.
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Im so tired of dealing with all these corrupt people....
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I have to take some chances; learning to do this might be the start.....
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I dont have any high value for women; I have a high value for human beings...
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If you act like a human being; I value you....... I only recognize you if you act like a Human being... or; you dont exist to me...
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So; several areas to work on first focus;
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1. Continue with my first love within my imagination; visualization
2. A gap resides between where I want to be and reality; I slip back into child mode and Im ghost; Im not present anymore; its like slipping off a muddy cliff.. I slide all the way down the mountain; never to be seen again because I slip right into the forest and I disappear in the foliage and Im gone; only do I show my face several days later. And in the gap time I need to be an adult present dealing face to face with that I want.
3. At some point; In the way future; not yet; I have enough support and feel safe enough to start talking to people I like in a personal way about all the stuff Im writing in these blogs because Im writing these blogs where its safe; I want to get strong enough to tell someone all this kind of stuff to their face; making that the first choice; not AVPDing; avoiding into hidden realms where I can hide and be safe; but facing everything...
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Ok; As I slowly develop; more anger comes out; Im showing signs of facing people. Many people at once; very close time proximity.
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Im getting stronger; Im also dealing with bad people.
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As for the girl last year; Im sure she was in love with me. But she went out with another man in front of me; I can never associate with here again; God would never put me back with someone like that; ever again. That kind of person makes me sick...
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I looked at all the information; and I'm in the wrong on all accounts; but I never dated someone else. Nor did I want to... Infidelity seems to be the ticket for the day; but not with me; Im not that kind of person. I dont want someone like that around me. She should be ashamed of herself.. But they feel no shame; They are animals; lawless; they dont care... nothing... Its just sickening.. Not safe... So the whole thing is un nerving to me.. Scary that; that kind of person got that close to me; bothers me; and really scares me... I feel nervous... uneasy.
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Im upset because it was someone that liked me and I am getting older and desperate to connect with someone before I die.. I mean; Im getting old. and the first thing that has to happen; I have to come back to life.
But she did like me and I appreciate it; She was in love with me; but its useless; I get it; God put me through situation where I had to grow; and I have; more then I ever have... but I cant be around that girl again; Unless God wants it; And I mean that; what might happen; I might get stronger; so stronger it doesn't matter what happened. She never went out on me; I was never dating her; and I never told her how I felt. But she could see it in me. I mean; I can see it in her; but she did come up to me and try to talk to me over n over and she physically did try to get close to me.
But she didnt care that she exposed another guy right in front of me.. Its all up to God.. Im getting stronger; we will see what happens... .
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Keep at it.
The problem is mental breakdowns; When getting close to someone physically or things; like interactions with things; music art work; classes;; something interactive with things around me; Its break down city; I start to become scared and terror and Im not hear anymore... So; its break down city to be on the edge... paranoia....
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