September 2025
August 2025
Not having a girlfriend yet; This is also a view of my goals… Meaning; I don’t have one… I have to accept this and look at it; For it speaks of a reality I have to look at. Already; framing it this way tells me something…
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The child in me; the meek broken thrown away child does not believe he is good enough for anyone; or that no one likes me or wants to; Im not enough or good enough.
And what I know about success based thinking; This negative way of looking at things has to change…
It has to change first; this attitude toward things; Even tho Im a nice person. It has to change first so I can believe people like me or want to be with me. This starts in my imagination long before I ever get a girlfriend…
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If Im putting a girlfriend; the idea of a girlfriend on a pedestal way way way up above me where she cant be reached; I will get know where…
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Im at this place of interacting with people again to a certain proximity; meaning; closeness; This is the first time since I was 14…. Ive even experienced a bit of popularity at times with some small groups of people. With certain people within that small group of people.
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However; altho this is nice; and Its been offered to me; for people wanting to spend time with me… and Im certainly appreciative of this offer; Altho these women are of interest and are attractive to me; and I do appreciate them; I just don’t see the universe as sending them for long term relationships with me. I could be wrong; But; Im just not getting that signal….
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What does this mean; It means Im getting closer; but not close enough to the mark to say Ive found a girlfriend.
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Ive gotten better; Ive gotten more stable; and Im grateful for this; but this does not mean Im any closer to having a girlfriend.
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This is a major problems for me. My number challenge of dysfunction to work on and conquer… However; most of the problem is in Courage and Confidence. And all of this problem must first be addressed in my imagination first. I must be changed to believe; I believe Im good enough for a girlfriend and next; the right girlfriend. Regardless; I have to believe this; What ever it takes to believe.
Ive read and heard a belief is something I tell myself over n over n over; Thus; the negative brain washing I have must be changed.
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I can tell where this negative brain washing is coming from.
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Working on resentment work from my 12 step meetings; this would be a great idea concerning this subject.
Im still playing the victim on some past subjects because I choose not to see my role in them. Ill have to continue to do more work on the past until I am released from it…
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So; by writing this tonight; I can see where the problem is; First; Its an inside job; next; its me. Lets first take care of this problem from the past and then start out again under my higher powers care..
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Next; when the past is gone concerning this matter and Im no longer blaming anyone; I then start out with a goal of the type of person I want to meet. And I haven't done that; I thought I had but I have not.
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NOTE; I can describe what and who I am not looking for. For example; Im noticing I can see in my imagination the women Im not attracted to. I notice because when I think about them and put my emotions concerning them; suddenly in the next few days; I see them show up around me ( laws of attraction).
I thought to myself; Why am I not thinking naturally about who or what I really want. Im realizing; I don’t really believe Im good enough; That kind of women would think she is to good for me.
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I guess I have to stop doing that… I just don’t know any other way to think about certain women; accept that Im not good enough for them… I just think; ( who am I to think someone like Im thinking about in a positive sense; is good enough for me).
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NOTE: Today at the 12 step meetings; when Honest relationships were a topic; when it was my turn to speak; Im finally able to tell a group of people; “ I Dont Know; Ive Never Been IN a Relationship”. And their it is; I havent; with anyone. I had no mother and father; and the false friends who lived up the street from me when young; these people were faking it; they were not close to me. They lied. I found out later; they were using me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was heartbroken; However; the truth is the truth; They were simply not my friends; This means I never had a friend; not really; not at these levels of deeper value; never happened the way I thought it did; it means I was not attracting people the way I thought I was.
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When I was a young teenager; I thought I was attracting some people through popularity; However; looking back; I never did.
And some of the young women at that time. They had no interest in me; but I wouldnt listen. I kept going to the wrong people to attempt to fit in. I was never in their league; I just wouldn't listen; in the end I tried to justify and create scenarios around these people that simply never existed.
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What does this mean; It literally means; I never had a girlfriend and I literally never had any close friends; Nothing… I just; never had any…
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I have to really look at this… .
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The first lesson I get from this; This means; I was never aligned with the right people; this is so very important.
For this is a complaint I have now. Ive created or God has allowed shorter type possible relational situations with people but never am I meeting anyone for a long term relationship…
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I don’t know that Ive ever been honest about whom or the type of women I really want around me. I think Ive been scared because; Ive already dealt with so much neglect and resentment creating situations and rejection. That last thing I want to find out is more about the type of women I can never have because they are better then me or of a higher nature or level. I mean; whats the point.
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However; I have to work with God on this. Im not seeing God block me; Im seeing me block me.
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Right now; I can kind of see the kind of women I would love to be around.
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I Guess what Im saying; Ive done a great amount of work find out what the problems are and possibly how to solve some of them; and Ive developed through the years under God to become a more solid person.
However; concerning women or relationships; Theyve been outside my range of touch or conceivable reality.
Ive been like a child watching the adult world go by. Unfortunately; Ive watched from a distance; women; come n go without out ever interacting with them in the real world; ever!
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And with all the work Ive done on myself; This is the final conclusion Ive seen. Ive not ever developed with women; Ive only seen them on television as a boy…
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So; here I am now… purdy much the same way I was as a child… Ive been behind a protective screen… and never really touched or been part of reality.
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With all the work Ive done; the final conclusion; I never did start anything; any relationship with women; I just havent ever; it never got started.
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I remember a few times in later grade school; a few times;a few girls wanting them as girlfriends; I remember asking one girl; but a day later she said no; she changed her mind and wasnt interested. What I found; she wasnt interested in helping me… She thought she was better then me or I wasnt of any interest to her; thats what I got out of it. She was not the right kind of person… she was not a nice person… looking back; I remember that.
Its like watching people discard me as if Im not of any worth when Im of great worth but no one sees it. No one even has to…
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The major problem Ive had with women; I don’t know of anyone that I want to date… Its not just that theirs no one that likes me. Its that theirs no one I like… I just don’t know anyone for dating.
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I have tried a few times and asked some women out; but I was promply put in my place and reminded that I did not have a chance with them. This was very confusing; Was I not good enough for these women; I thought I was… I knew I was… but they didn’t…
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So; I take this to God… What do I do God. Im not meeting anyone… its like the world in front of me is blank….
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What am I looking for; women That I have personality in common with or intelligence or education.
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So far; They see nothing in me! Im of no worth to them…
And this has caused all the problems…
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This is such a hard thing to deal with…
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Ive had plenty of the wrong type of women; far less then my sexual market value; Ive had these women show up time to time.. but of course Im not interested. But they for some reason think I would be interested in them; that we are at the same level… We are not….
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And then is the others; Those special women I find attractive Id sleep and they are friendly sweet girls; but; are just not the marrying kind for me… They just arnt. Im not suggesting they want serious relationships with me. In fact; its taken allot of work just to get to a point of getting up to speed for the few of them; but it has happened; The potential of what I think exists; I think they would sleep with me; Ive never attempted anything with them. So I don’t know. However; the evidence would suggest a thing.
So; lets say I sleep with them; OK; but Im still nowhere; I still have not procured even a serious girlfriend.
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A SEROUS GIRLFRIEND;
This requires the right people…. And Im going to have to accept this… I guess…
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I have no self esteem or self value or confidence or courage for such missions… No one wants to go on a mission like this only to find that at the end of the rainbow their never was a chest of gold for me… or; to find the chest of gold and sign that reads; Hands Off… For that chest of Gold is only from a certain type of man for these women; Im not!
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I just seems; the kind of man I am; has no value to women.. regardless of who I am… No one has ever been interested in me…. Ive been unseen…
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Im now willing to look into what this problem is and do something about it; in fact; Ive been working on it.
Ive gotten to a place that Ive come back creating forms of small levels of popularity within a few people… And Ive found I believe some of these people would like to spend intimate time with me; ( cant be sure; Ive never taken them home with me or asked to take them home); Also; Ive asked out a few women I thought were of equal internal value. Unfortunately, out in the real world; I was way off the mark of reality; They were not interested…
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Its almost feels like; the kind of decent nice person I am; I need a salary of 250 Grand to go with it before anyone of the type of women Im interested in will ever see me…
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Id have to have the kind of society confidence level that only the rich wealthy man has before Im seen by anyone.
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Its like; want a nice girl; Well; Have a large house and bank account to go with it and they will talk to me….
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WORKING WITH GOD;
So; This is my only option left; work with God on this and do what God says… and thats what Im trying to follow now….
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I don’t want to be someone who dies without ever having a girlfriend; Something seems wrong with this scenario…
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I just wanted someone who was sincere real and nice… So far; I don’t want to be laughed out of my place because Ive not had any money or social standing or career or anything to go with it. Its an overwhelming feeling of NO!
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Looking back; Ive had No right women show up around me; Nothing… Ive been devoid of the right women for dating; their has simply been no one… Ive been left with the left overs of whom ever showed up randomly.
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NOTE; However; Ive never gone after anyone before; not in an hones fashion.
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However; I did go after a young women of my own age when I was a young teenager… I lied about who I was.. got in the door; but thats as far as I got. At some point I was asked to leave out the same door for being a fake… I was more of an observer of this person and nothing more and finally; realizing I was around the wrong person; I dropped out; In dismay I just dropped away; I just wanted a friend… I mean; I wanted a girlfriend at the time; but I wanted a real friend; I never found one; no one..
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Did I ever really look for a girlfriend… No! I mean; Not really; I never really made a list of what I was looking for and going after that….
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I was always to afraid that I would have to show someone my value through money or social status; and that was never going to happen; I was not really in reality.
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So; here I am now an old man… And I would like a girlfriend; atleast one decent honest relationship with someone once!
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This whole thing has been completely confusing.
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Ive not been around anyone of the value level of what Im looking for; I assume I didn’t really want to go through rejection of the actual type of person Im looking for because that would be to great a fall.
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Ive had pretty girls in the past at times like me; but they were scary people… some were obvous sociopaths and seemed sadistic at times… And I thought; Thats not what Im looking for. My God! When will this insanity of not finding the right people end.
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Again; I was never really looking for the right person; I wanted the right person to just show up around me.
The problem was; I was always getting the wrong people showing up around me.
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looking back on it; maybe the wrong people were the only people I was ever thinking about and I was never really visualizing the right people…
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I was never really visualizing the right people and then believing they liked me or they were going to be my girlfriends; I never believed it.
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I have had at times a few women I asked out; And God told me to; The feeling; I mean; The universe seemed to direct me immediately in their direction to ask them out; altho I did not get anywhere with them. However; they were still important situations for my growth.
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Im exhausted at this point in life dealing with this subject. It seems no one as ever seen my worth; Nothing; literally nothing.
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However; on a positive note; This means Ive not been rejected basically by the women I would be interested in. Ive never been in proximity of them; so I would not know….. Ive been to scared…. Afraid I would never be accepted.
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NOTE; Going after women in a general way that I would hope would turn out to be the right women. Unfortunately; Ive been interested in some women who were attractive to me and appeared to have what I wanted; but in the end most of them were not interested in me; I just saw potential in them. Or; they appeared to maybe be interested in me but were also giving their interest to other men at the same time. Of course this turned me off immediately and I simply had no desire for knowing them ever again… I would really never want to get near them ever again; These type of people are not the type of person I would want around me ever. I was turned off immediately and permanently. So; it was kind of gamble. I saw women that were pretty and thought; based on their physical appearance and their girlish friendliness or sensitivity; maybe I had found someone to become close to. But, in the end I was completely wrong over n over n over; to a point I just gave up trying anymore… They were never interested in me… They seemed more interested in getting attention because of their looks; from a whole lot of men. I simply dropped out… and took no more interest once understanding who I may be dealing with….
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I just wanted a nice girlfriend; a nice girl; a nice friend; thats all I wanted; Maybe I didn’t want it bad enough. Maybe not.
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Maybe I didn’t want a girlfriend bad enough… bad enough to actually meet new people….
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I certainly have been to afraid to meet the right people. Now However; Ive changed my mind. The reason; Ive dealt with everyone else that doesn’t count; I have to move up the ladder to a higher frequency.
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MORE INFORMATION FROM A NEW MEETING…
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I HAVE TO SHOW UP
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When it comes to girlfriends; I have to show up in their world all the time; I have to make it a way of life; being around women… meeting women; at that frequency of women… at their frequency; the frequency of whom I would date; and then meet them in be in a world with both them and I; both in the same level world… .
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Meeting them….
The right “ Them”.
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Im realizing; I have to visualize that person with me at that frequency of living. What does this mean; its like saying; Im ready; Ive got a life of some kind and I want to meet a women to be with. What Im learning; I have to be at a higher level frequency for what Im looking for; but its about being at a higher level in society; a more solid position in society and then meeting someone. I would use the word confidence; being part of things… when Im really in society; part of things on a daily basis… Thats what Im working toward….
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Im not happy about this; having to become someone else or be something other then I am; in order to have a women in my life; I just don’t like it; Ill talk to God about it. Maybe I can meet someone in between as Im struggling to get better… Ill work with God on it…
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And Ill have to meet a real person that values me…
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