September 2025
August 2025
The Phase series has ended for now...
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THe full structure of my social capability has changed; Its advancing...
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FIRST LOVE is still the primary purpose to get over; Hopefully with learning how to take full responsibility for my actions I can move on from this. Its imperative that I completely get over this; no matter how long it takes. Ive got to learn to take responsibility for my actions.
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FIRST LOVE: She was a young girl that played me for the fun or thrill of it; I meant nothing to her; Just like in the movies. Thats all it was. Why Im having such a hard time facing the obvious I dont know; Pride; I actually was stupid enough to fall for it; When I and most of the world; anyone that loves themselves at all would have been smart enough to stop and protect themselves; See the warning signs immediately and get out of there; my arrogant stupidity did not allow me; I got played like a stepchild; This is horrible and its gruesome; and its true. And at some point; All-tho it "Smarts" or "Hurts"; hopefully Ill get over it.. It really affected me deeply and I dont know why; I was making more of it then need be. Why I was so needy I dont know! ( And yet I was making it her responsibility; She was a complete stranger; I was looking to blame her for all my problems; I was looking for someone to skategoat my problems; and it backfired); This wont be the last writing on this; it will take some time to get over the pain of the most obvious. Ive had a hard time getting over this; Ill have to work on this; This one aspect of this. I thought I was so special this couldn't happen to me especially during that time period I met her ( I tried to use her and I got caught); Why I thought I was so special I dont know; maybe because I was responding to the abuse I had just come out of; 5 years of it... So I was extremely messed up; But still; thats no excuse not to protect myself against a complete stranger. I acted like I could go walk out in front of moving cars on a highway and not get hurt. Well; in reality; I put myself blindly into a situation with no discernment and I got hurt immediately; I wasn't special; not at all. Why was I around strangers in the first place? Why would I make any of this their business? This was my business! THis is why its important to only talk about personal things to safe people.
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One of the problems; I didnt really have a home anymore and no support. I was hoping this girl and her family would be my support; altho desperate was I; " That was not a very good idea". That was not a good idea. Where I came up with blaming her or anyone else for my actions; That was a bizarre idea that led me nowhere. I just refused to take responsibility for my actions; for what happened ( ITs been really hard to take responsibility for what happened; for me to be present). I got hurt because I was not looking out for myself. I really wasnt part of the middle class anymore; a middle class family; I had been dumped. And I really had no place to go; And I really had no business playing around with people from a middle class neighborhood outside my family concerning my private business; someone I didnt even know. Anyway; It was more weight of rejection; dejection added to the rest of the rejection of my life during that time. I gave my personal business over to a complete stranger and Ill pay for it.
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But to be mad because some stranger did me in when I wasnt looking; I have to really check my motives for not being more careful with complete strangers I knew nothing about; Thats what seems strange... it sucks but I Sat with a rattlesnake and I got bit; I mean; Thats what happens! Next time; dont sit with Rattlesnakes.
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NOTE: THis was not a therapist...
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As I said; this story has gotten shorter; but its still alive. This story is turning more about what she did and not who she was. She is turning out to be a stranger but I did get Taken... Its not like Im the only one... Im not special; anyone and everyone will be take by this person or someone like them if they fall into their clutches; Im not special here... Ill just have to keep at this until the pain goes down and I deal with the humiliation. The timing was bad on this. I didnt need to go through this during that time; I was already destroyed. THe more I take responsibility in my part in this; the more the pain goes down. WHy Ive been at war not taking my responsibility in this? Its been my pride; Ive wanted to make myself out to be a King; and I fell for the idea that being with her would prove I was a King. In reality; I was slane very quickly and never saw any of this coming. I got put in my place and then asked to leave. Fair enough; laugh it off and run home. I tried to open up my problems to strangers who crucified me for it! Why I keep blaming them as if Im not to blame; I dont know; maybe pride. Ill keep working on this... I feel like It was the equivalent of having the lottery in my hands and I lost. I was looking to start a war with someone; anyone for any reason. And it backfired. I got caught; it didnt work.
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FIRST LOVE: The next area to deal with is false intimacy; This person led me on in close proximity with false intimacy; ( At this point I began to dissociate)..They played the role perfectly of someone who innocently( I am dissociating) liked me or wanted me; "THey Did Not Want Me" It was a Joke; Meaning; they had no ( I am dissociating)regard to what they would pull this on me... To them it was a joke and I was a joke. I had taken my personal business to a stranger( I am dissociating) and this will be my reward; to be completely faked out from the beginning;( I am dissociating) If I dont like going through this; next time dont take my personal business to anyone... or only to the right people. ( I am dissociating) So; I have memories of this person getting( I am, dissociating) close to me; And its fake. And so; with Gods help I have to learn to( I am dissociating) dissect each memory of this breaking out the truth of it until I can( I am dissociating) find the false identity of it; of her; finding her real intention of playing( I am dissociating) me; And thus rendering the memory uses thus devaluing it and then throwing it away... Getting rid of her...
THese types of sociopaths rely on their victims fierce( I am dissociating) loyalty. Fierce loyalty was created within from this person because I thought I had something building with this person; a friendship. I was being faked out; so my loyalty( I am dissociating) for them must obviously go. So Im at that point of breaking through( I am dissociating) this brainwashing... Its not over yet... I was played at brutally deep levels of faked authenticity and it must be uncovered. So; this is the next level to work on concerning this situation. And Im really dissociating through all of this as I re read it. Im being triggered back to my fake friends house when I was a kid; Im reliving it. My goal is to have a free open mind when outside thinking about nothing... just experiencing the outside... recognizing CPTSD when it shows up and switching out into someone else and triggering. I believe I can get better.
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A PLACE OF COMPLEXED DISABILITY: A PLACE OF NO DEVELOPMENT...
In my imagination;
Im now crossing a Gap; A large Gap; like a river in my mind/imagination... Ill be working with God to assess the situation and see what is needed; do I want to take boats or build a bridge; do I want to fly across and land in an imaginary airport; How about a train with a train trestle to cross.
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Whats on the other side of the bridge; what am I trying to get up to speed about;
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Dating new women; a definition of new women and how to obtain them and how I must change to attract them; all through God pathways...
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Career; What does this( I am dissociating) mean for my life right now at my advanced age... What do I want to do... How I can change into that person that would be at that frequency of what I want; Of what I would be interested in...
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NOTE: "Im Dissociating"; What's happening to me right now isnt bad; Im being triggered all over the place... Im dissociating all over the place as I revisit this blog to write some more; This is not bad; its my brains interest in fighting to stay present and take over my own brain from mental illness and CPTSD and dissociation and the past; the damage... So I can start a new life in the present... Ill work on it.
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Exploring new ideas about women and careers!
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NEW MEANS NEW.....
This means Im dealing with what's in front of me concerning these subjects; what I want and what I want to create for my present life; What I want; How to learn to believe in what I want; Going after what I want with fierce ambition...
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WOmen; I want a quality level women; What does that mean (Im in dissociation) and how could I obtain her? Well; Ill explore these ideas here;
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NOTE: the key for new relationships is to be in the present and not living in the past... Thats what Im working on; getting a new brain in the present. ( I am dissociating); My mind is so damn damaged... I try to shake it off or shiver it off or something; to get those thoughts out of my head.
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NOTE: Self Centered problems; I have to work on this.....
NOTE: I real life when young; I dropped away from ( All Things) all this before anything could really happen... So; In many cases; issues dealing with women and career are all new... New to me... Ive never solved any issues with women or career; I dropped out long before I would ever really have contact or initiate any interest or staying power in any purposeful indever. However; Now I give a Damn about life; And so Im learning for the first time what it will take to create a real aspiring life... The first question is; I wont be dropping away; Now; what do I do? So; with support Ill be learning how to deal with the past that gets triggered while I head-forth into my interests; learning to use group support and God support.... Ill have to learn to deal with failure and see it as part of the journey to my completed goals... For example; maybe I want a full career and maybe i want a wife house and children. How can I get their... How can I have a wife with the laws set up in my state favoring divorce so easily. What kind of women am I looking for; ones that God is sending me... Masculinity is not liked in Western societies right now; this might make for a dangerous strange set of problems to my future... Ill work with GOd on this... Im old; so it may not matter all that much; Im broke; so its not like someone can sue me for alimony if things go wrong. However; I might be the one leaving considering the lack of values with people these days; I dont know! Ill work with God on this... I dont know anything yet... Nothing!
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Having something in common with the women I want to date; finding like minded people;
Lets say I want a woman who is in to Star Trek. If I wanted a women like this; I would have to be into Star Trek. Id have to become immersed in it; engulfed in it; feeling great about it; up to speed with it; on the cutting edge of it; Say; Going to Start Trek conventions... And maybe or hopefully meeting women at those conventions who are into Star Trek... And work with God on this the whole time...
NOTE: Id have to be a new person living in the present!
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So; Id have to get to the frequency of someone really into star trek; Maybe an intellectual introvert who is also into video games.. Someone with a college degree... That kind of thing... Maybe someone into medieval fairs; the kind on liberal arts campuses of private colleges. Drama girls; with interests in music and Drama and plays n stuff... IF so; I would have be interested in all that stuff and really on the cutting edge of those things...
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NO Fibbing! Id have to really know myself at higher quality levels and now what Im really looking for...
However; for this writing; Im attempting to communicate a simple concept of the process of what Im looking for and what I would have to do to acquire it.
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LETS TALK ABOUT GAPS;
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I want something; but I cant get their from here?
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LETS TALK ABOUT SUPPORT; God and Groups...
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I have the ability to face some of the things of my past so Im not so afraid of things in the present; Ive talked to God about it... and Im waiting for what GOd wants me to do... So; I have allot of past stuff to work through but its with past family members who scared me and took advantage of me where I had no one around me to protect me; nothing... So Im getting closer to facing this.. I guess; thats not the right word for it; However; Ill work with God on this if Im suppose to; this is whats coming next for me.
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NOTE: I have to create a new life for myself in the present as the present is; I dont need to escape to the past... Ill be working with God on facing the present and what I want from it... what do I want from this Present.
Ive got a head full of dissociation and CPTSD and AVPD... When I suggest to myself I want something; immidiately something pops up from the past and thoughts from the past fly in to tell me what I miss and how good it feels; Thus; I want that thing from the past. However; Im past this. I know better. What I want; is the past cleared out of my mind... I want new goals with GOd helping me learn how to obtain those goals; stick to those goals for doing things in the present... present new thoughts for a new present life; a new happiness; New people; places, and things! Under Gods roof. Now; I have to get my mind new and in the present...
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THe full structure of my social capability has changed; Its advancing...
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My emotions are still extremely neurotic and unstable. Lots of CPTSD... Dissociation is better... But at the core of self; Im still controlled through past trauma bonding and sexual abuse CPTSD and many other trauma based things... So; I am moving forward; but These imbalances; Ill pray for help; I still cant get close to people; its better; Im allow others to get close to me; but Im not opened up yet to get close to people; to go after the relationships I want. A smaller gap resides between that but Im continually working on the greater field of recovery; thus slowly walking into the exploration of the idea of learning to believe I can bring these desires from fantasy birthing into reality.
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Reconnection; and I ll have to work for what I want; relearning how to be social again... and learning how to fail... Ill work at things and take it as it comes.
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The goal is to keep working with God to get rid of these ghosts of my past and the codependency associated with them; the triggering..
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The goal is to work with my own brain taking it back; getting it back.. The goal is that when walking around I am no longer thinking of the past or anyone in it; no need for that anymore... I have to learn how to have a free brain when walking around and see what real thoughts are coming up; I imagine reality will show up... And Ill have to learn and re teach my brain how to deal with it...
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