September 2025
August 2025
So; today; Ill do a kind of 10th step; ( actually do this every day)a 10th step from the 12 step meetings; In the recovery groups are steps; 12 of them; Kind of; guidelines to use to keep someone on the strait pathways in recovery; its a kind of inside job; its about how Im feeling in recovery right now and how I can make it better; a set of questions for each step written in a book to help me uncover myself spiritually for the day or week; or for a permanent change. Kind of street therapy for those who cant afford a real therapists... This is what the hardcore drug addicts use to get off drugs and form a new way of life; That kind of thing; it was born out in the streets with the dying... So; it can be potent magic..
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Its suggested to get a sponsor; get someone from a 12 step group to work with me whos been through the steps... (to work on the 12 steps from a 12 step meeting) Find someone I can talk to from the 12 step meetings)and talk about my answers to these steps and work with them a bit...
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So;
I do a lot of 10th step inventory's on a daily basis; this is from the 10th step based on 12 step groups...The idea is; How as my day. What was I feeling today; is their something I want to take to my higher power today. My higher power is GOd; Sunny Jesus; or Christ Jesus... Jesus Christ; Universe; Holy spirit... GOd
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So; Im invenoring where Im at for the day... for last couple of days. Where am I at.
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So many changes; Changes; Things are changing for me on a daily basis; sometimes several changes in one day...
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So; Ill just keep reporting where Im at for the day.
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So; power ( from the universe; Holy one; Holy spirit; God); Power has returned to my life in some areas; or the potential of power concerning new life experiences)from God; I had no power; it was stripped from me from the evil people in society. However, after working with my higher power in recovery; recovery groups; God has seeped within the darkened doors of my past; The universe has completely rearranged past stories into new stories. Where I was week and at the bottom of the well; Suddenly Im strong again; within my past stories; I simply climb back out of the well and stand on green grass with the sun shining... and Im back. Thus is the power of God... When Im on my knees out of desperation; Things will happen; a journey will begin.
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When looking back at my life from high school; I was broken and fell from life through the abyss never to be seen again. And I didnt want to be seen again; I had lost everything; I had lost the power to do anything; I had lost all power; and all interest in being apart of; and all interest in being. Once betrayed over n over n over by the system and its people; I stopped carrying about anything anymore or being a part of anything any more. I saw everything outside of me as a satanic mill. Drugs became a problem; This will slow down later after hurting my brain on drugs; to many over doeses with hallucinogenics.
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I was destroyed again; this time in High school; I will be slaughtered in those times; However; in the present things are changing.
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In the present;
within my recovery work; concerning the past;; God will go back into those days and rearranged a new story for me; a story of power and success... And no bad people from the past will be involved or needed for this new story or my success in it.
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NOTE: Let me say; at significant discovery times in my past; it is and was imperative that I came from a nice safe house with a mother and father to be their for me; for me to talk to and work with.. When I discovered new things about life; I was out on a ledge I had never been on before; and I had innocent new feelings and awareness's I needed answers for at those moments I was awakening to them; thats where I need the safety of a father or mother to talk to.. "Right Then", Now; I can work with God for those moments; when they happen; to have support and God and recovery show up for me to express my feelings to. And Ive got a basic model of that in the recovery group process. Ill keep working with God on this. For my goal is to be in the relational world and the physical world of family again.
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So; Today; actually; this last week; Ill see God go back into my high school years; way in the past; rise me up from the depths of the grave; bring me back to the halls of a high school; See me walk strait into the principles office and the vice principles office; plead my case; tell them the truth about my life and my plight and my short comings; ask for help. Explain that I want to get back on my feet again in high school and get back into my classes and do well; I demand it; I demand the help. I will talk to teachers and councilor's in the school about the same thing; and with them working together; they will form a plan for me and I will rise and come back to high school classes and at least be safe within their system working at what ever Im supposed to work at to make it through high school at that time period: and most importantly; no mother or father needed here; Ill do this myself; Ill have God during those developmental years and I can add to that story recovery meetings going on during those days; Is this really possible. Yes! Its from alignment and GOd; alignment with God... and much work before hand spiritually. NEver alone; Ive been to on trillian recovery meetings; and those meetings I speak at when its my turn to talk about my week. And their always people and always coffee; its a bunch of broken strangers getting together to look for help; Anyone can come through the doors; its not always safe... Ive been through some ruff things with some ruff monsters that have shown up; but Im still here.... SO....
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My new created story to GOd and from God to create in the present;
My new story; Its as if I came from a good family and was loved... and moved on smoothly within high school; and in high school being taken care of and Im safely off the edge and somewhere in the middle where Im safe with a SAFE herd... In this case; the authorities of the schools and their laws are whats keeping me safe; not the students at the school; I dont consider them safe... SO....
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So; has taken me back to those ancient days of high school and given me the choice to feel this new re written story; God has done that for me. Ive ran the story and its now in place of the old. I now feel I have these new possibilities and skills.
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Because God keeps showing up and re changing stories of my life; more n more I believe God can change even more stories and will.
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I was working on the tragic experiences of my First Love; the story; my story with or about my first love; and suddenly this Other story of my past appears to be fixed; The main story of my high school years. Ive never really brought that up until I could move forward with the story of my first love; have some completion with the story of my first love from that time period; I new her from the summer of 8th grade up into high school years.... And many troubles I will experience; new troubles to add to the old horror... will occur in high school... I will fall from the world through the abyss never to be heard of again; and by choice; I didnt want to be heard again... But not by choice; no one wanted me; what was I suppose to do...
To see me in a new story take total control of my own life in that new story and believe it; is almost incredible. I mean damn.........! Unbelievable....
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Note; So; some areas have been completed; a complete walk through concerning my first love; but theirs many more maps of different angels to work through from beginning to end... Ive completed at least one of them.... And a completion means; others can now be expected to be completed if I work on them hard enough with Gods help.
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The Girl up the Street; My first love.
Going back into those days.. re looking at this scenario with my first love;
I message from God is giving me is simple; DOnt GO UP THe Street Anymore where its not safe! tHis Girl up the street was not safe; Basically she was Satanic and liked her life; she had no problems. But I was Going to have a problem when I let my walls down around her; she has set a time bomb for anyone dumb enough to associate with her... Like the psychopath she was; I was destroyed. I was groomed; led on and wiped put! In that order; in that fashion... I opened up to the wrong person; I was led into a state of confusion... ( magic spells); And had my insides spiritually psychologically and emotionally raped out of me... Later; she will inlist people to beat me into a hospital... It never happened because I knew those who would act out the violence; they came up to me and told me what she had set up with them...
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NOTE: obviously this person is not safe.. Im trying to work through this and come out of my deniel about it. I think the inability to ever work through my feelings about it is part of the problem.
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No games when playing with Evil.... I was murdered by this Girl up the Street; My first Love; and that was evils only goal...
Next time; I stay at home; I stay with God praying to God on my knees and stay in the middle of the herd with the authorities of the herd where its safe!
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NOTE: Im a nice guy; THis girl was not a very nice person; just wasnt... I thought I could change that; instead; I got flipped on my head and destroyed... I did not understand this nature of evil and what I was getting into... I did not know I needed to get out of it.
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God had a plan for my life; a safe plan; it does not include fantasies of play acting roles with monsters that kill people... I got eaten alive. I got eaten to death...
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NOTE: There was a good chance I had walked into a rich type spoiled sociopath criminal type; setting up innocent people; leading them; destroying them; then instantly leaving; covering up the whole thing; claiming they never liked me and nothing ever happened between us... and that it meant nothing; I meant nothing to them; we were just friends; they never felt anything for me or liked me in any romantic way; They deny everything and then claim they would have never met me if they hadnt been for some fluke.. Thats what this was. a complete disaster... I walked into.... I had no idea; I mean; nothing!
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NOTE: THe goal is to work through all of this; see it for what it was; and work with GOd and move on into a new life with new people...
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NOTE: THe first thing that has to be done; I must see this predator for what she was; meaning; no positive feel sorry for me thoughts concerning this monster. THis was just a criminal minded spoiled individual who was lawless; thought they were above the law... Thought they could set anyone up they wanted to; thats all it was; nothing more... I didnt just fall for it; I had no idea of it; I just didnt know what I was getting into....
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Monsters/predators; do not dress and act like monsters and predators when setting up victims; why would they; they dress like safe normal people; groom themselves to look like average normal people; practice to talk like average normal people. They lie in wait for people like me; an unassuming stupid victim so show up. Predators have only one thing on their minds; to groom; deceive take and destroy... THey are non human... they are trying to; Gods wants me to stop being their prey... Dont walk up to their houses; stay away from them; pray first; end up at a church somewhere or some other spiritual places God has set up where I can be safe. I understand that some dont think church is a safe place; fine; but I make my point... Let my higher power decide; let the universe open up the answer for me....
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In the past; I ended up around really bad sycophant predators with no concious; These monsters were not calling out to Jesus for help? What was I thinking? They didnt need help or to be saved by someone. THey were looking to feed on people who were dumb enough to enter their domain.
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God wants me to wake up and learn.... and thus; I will pray and ask his advice and help; help from the universe.... to guide my life...
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Signs Im moving forward away from a MOTHER AND FATHER...
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ALl things stem and start from the slaughter-ment of my life life from my Mother and Father!
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The only reason I was reaching out to monsters in the community; I had no love from my mother and father and I was desperate and did not know how to live or what to do.
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My higher power when asked; can over come my relationship or lack of with my mother and father. With enough time; My higher power who is All Power in the Universe; when given permission can take over my whole body soul life and teach and train me to focus on God and only that light; nothing more by passing the horror; its a slow grind; and I didnt believe it at first; but the universe can make it so; slowly if need be. But its a constant work in motion... All I have to do is ask.
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Im never alone. The universe God has always Gotten me to new recovery places with new people; Im not alone in this recovery... never alone!
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So; The work continues... And at the point Im at in my recovery; I always give things back; Only when its safe. And that is an advanced level of recovery; no one starting out is suppose to even think in such terms.... So....
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Im working on new things.
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I have been detached somewhat from the first girl I loved. However, much more work must be done in this area until I am completely free of this person... And that is my goal; to believe I want to be free of the spells this person put on me; and the spells I put on myself about this person... Ill turn to God today for what I need... God will lead me to the right people and places and bi pass everything else. If Im willing to meditate and align myself for the answer...
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So....
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Work continues.
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