September 2025
August 2025
Ive been working with someone on this interim journey level Im at right now; and its helping; its paying off. Not easy; I have to ask for help; rejection always sucks and Ive got little to no self esteem for it.
So;
WHAT IS HAPPENING: THE BEGINNING OF MIRACLES…
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One major miracle…
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When in 5th 6th 7th grade; 8th grade.. I had problems. I would have loved in new narratives to be able to rewrite my history and go back in time and tell someone; lots of people to be able to open up about the deep real problems I was having and then get outside help for myself; taking responsibility for myself.
Well; Today; Lately with sponsors God and meetings; that day has come. Im literally feeling it now; as if all those secrets have been put on the table; everyone in the groups knows about them because Ive slowly worked my way into talking about so many things. Suddenly I can feel it; Im inline with a higher power; and that higher power has taken my soul back to 7th grade; Thus; when im in groups talking; its as if Im juniour high and getting the help I need… Im in groups working on those area of adolescence that were damaged, shut off, with no escape or help. Now; Im getting the help for that development; And Im doing it on my own; no one from the past. And yet Ive been able to progress on my own with my own outside help; getting me up to speed; back to those past time periods to get help for those time periods; but getting help in the present for them; relive those time periods with a new narratives where Im with others in recovery; Im not alone.
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What Does This Feel Like;
It feels like Im in 7th grade and those in charge and the state know of my problems; Im in special classes and Im in recovery groups and classes in the 7th grade working on my issues with others who have the same kind of problems. It means my problems were discovered and addressed and I get back in line and get help for myself to recovery; Im safe or have safe spaces to get help and those in authority know about what happened…
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SO: WHAT AM I SAYING HERE…
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It feels like those time periods got answered; I had problems; thrown away; abuse; and neglect… and many other problems; And someone found me picked me up; got me into the recovery process and special help rooms and classes and now Im up to speed beyond the abuse level; Im in the self help getting help from the system level. SO; it has a feeling of; “ made it out of that mess”. And this happened from no one from the past. Nothing; no one from the past helped me. This is all on my account and the help Ive received by God and others because I kept at this issue for help. Ive opened up to others about it. Ive opened up so much; Im not alone. Everyone knows where Im coming from; in my recovery groups… Nothing is hidden anymore. And Im taking responsibility to move forward with the cure for these problems. If I keep at this; I might just be able to grow up into someone who is able to be present; feel safe; and do something with his life… I think so; And the great news is; WITH NO ONES HELP FROM THE PAST…
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Those monsters from the past; They Loose! I was thrown from the bus and expected to die and be lost for ever; but then; the sickening criminals that do this kind of thing to people; They had no idea about the universe, Sunny Jesus; God, Holy spirit and Angels in Heaven who come down to earth under Gods commands to fight my battles. I have my own army of Angels on my side; given to me from God to protect me down on earth… The Holy spirit is my helper; The Holy spirit Got me into this new miracle…
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This means I can restore my life and live again; However; a whole new life must be created one minute, one hour at a time; recreating who I used to be; recreated into a new person.. And thats exactly whats now happening; Thats the potential of it… And the safety of it… And the opportunity of it; And Ill take that opportunity Thank you. I already have…
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Ive been working within that opportunity for a while now slowly building myself back upon this new foundation… A foundation originally destroyed broken then lost… pulled apart; literally ripped into pieces. However; those who did this to me did not know God. For God Universe can recreate anything and start me over again in safety and safe spaces and God has… God has been doing this for some time.
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FOOD; Fat; Diet. Slowly addressing this; must have new narratives within my imagination; new stories of who I really am and how I see myself; Do I see myself as Fat or thin. That is where the story work begins.
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When I truly believe Im thin and only see myself as thin and at that frequency and nothing more; I would never allow myself to ever get over weight for any reason. So; I have allot of work to do on the view of myself; how I view myself…
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5/22/2024
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New changes; as I continue to work with others...
My parents did not exist. THe mother figure was a psychopath.
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Love life almost destroyed; but now maybe stabilizing…
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My parents did not exist.. The mother figure was a psychopath…
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I don’t like psychopaths or sociopaths; Ive dealt with several of them. They are murder'rs
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I like decent women because I like feeling safe… I like nice people…
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The past might not have changed!@
I would have gone through loneliness and despair to the end; The remainder of my life useless; with no ability in relationships. However; this may have changed.
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God follows through;
As I continue to develop and get better; God brings support. God bringing support is whats kind of happened; and the ability to get completely over the past; and that has happened enough through God for the real world application; Suddenly I am moving forward.
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NOTE; THose of the past appear purely evil now; Im not in denial... I had no friends from those 2 faced people. And Im waking up about having no friends; no real friends. It feels kind of shameful; like I wasnt good enough; Or I must have been lazy and slothful
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NO SUPPORT;
I had no support when young; no one around like myself; and I ended up around truly evil people. And I had no support; they had a heyday; and I was destroyed…
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Why in the past did I not question who I was around; I don’t know. I think I just wanted to go back to a childhood level and be loved; That did not work because I was in an un-kown situation within the world.
Life is risky business; However; ending up around people I know nothing about is pure (self- destruction).
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I ended up around bizarre sadistic monsters… It was so bad; as bad as it could be. That after working with God and GOds helpers; Some how I was able to walk away from those sadistic fake friends and exit those situations; leaving everything into the past; after working through all of it thoroughly; thoroughly enough for GOds acceptance. ; I walk front-side now; in the present… Its very strange; Im not normal. Im more then damaged goods… I walk with God for my survival.
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MY LOVE LIFE HAD NO CONFIDENCE;
After what my parents did to me; abandonment and all the sadistic horrors that go with it; I had no development; so their was no confidence developed around women; Nothing ever got started; I was never at an emotional age to interact with women ever. Im still not…
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However; now that Im walking with God; We will see who God brings me…
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Ive been destroyed by people or monsters out of hatred. All Ive known are monsters… I would like to think something else exists on this planet; something other then these creeps that have contempt for decent people like myself.
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Ive been hated by most and most single women associated around. So far; to them I an nothing and not worth a moment of their time.
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However; The past had the most importance to me… The importance to work with God and those who God has sent to help me work through it exiting into the present. And I assure the reader of this blog; I had to work through every memory ( lots of memories) and thought from that grue-sum place of betrayal. Sexual abuse is different; it is not completely worked through.
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Im so sorry I was hated so deeply and wanted to be killed by so many or for me to kill myself and do them a favor. I was truly hated. Prejudiced. Contempt by those who think they are ( were) better then me… I guess!
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I did find myself in places I was never invited and I didn’t get the message; later after being destroyed; Ill get the message. Stay out of places Im not invited or get ran over by death roller!
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THE POINT OF THIS BLOG;
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Strangely; because of God and recovery process; miracles continue to come my way.
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DATING WOMEN;
I was talking to a sponsor Im working with concerning getting back on my feet for relationships; Their was this feeling; we were both starting over from scratch; from the beginning of the beginning. my beginning was of a different nature; but its all the same frequency..
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Under God I shall hopefully do things right this time and not put myself in harms way. I put myself in the worst possible situations on earth and I was destroyed because of it; with true monsters of this age where I will be destroyed.
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At-least I'm far enough beyond these satan evil-presence; That I am safe from them; and not connected to them. Ive severed the connection so I could live in the real world again and in reality. Not everyone does this; can do this… its to much for many I think. However; Im not doing anything else with my life; might as well; get over the past; work on that; and I did; with lots of help from every direction for a long long time; And plenty of sponsors and mentors helping me.
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Getting over the past is real. Here I am now….
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Im starting out in a new way…. I know nothing; I never knew anything in the first place; if I said I did; Well? I lied!
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I don’t have experience at anything really. Nothing. I certainly don’t have any experience with women; nothing. Nothing close and personal; not my kind a decent respectable old fashioned; Close n Personal!
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I have real support; Im not sure how long it will last; it looks like it will last; and its a merrier of my situation. This means God is sending me exactly the right people if I ask for help… And I have and Im getting support.. Im not alone.
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As for Dating; Im not sure how to say this; but it looks like Hope. Their seems to suddenly show hope for me.
Im starting out much like a young teenager starts out in life. Im un experienced but I have support. Im not sure teenagers have this… Im an old man so I have more life knowledge to hang on to.
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I have no experience with women; However; Im OK… The past is the past; its not dictating my worth. The fact I could go beyond that past ( with Gods help); The fact this could happen; I go beyond my own past and start over? If this isn't a miracle I don’t know what is! I go beyond my own past and start over; that means any personalities of the past are gone; locked; locked up into a TV like monitor in my imagination; Its like they are locked in prison… I can see them replay but they are 2 dimensional now; and are not part of my present reality. They are in the dream world and Im not.
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Who ever they were and who ever they were that wanted to kill me and destroy me and destroy my future and my future relational life; WHo ever they were; (pause); "They did a good job!"; However; GOD trumps all things and has brought me back with Gods secrets… I have insights from the universe and Sunny Jesus has unlocked my life from my past. The universe had the keys and Know- how unlocking me from my past… To recover; I was given the treasure map but I still had to walk the journey; it was not free.
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Ill be working with others and God now…
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Ill be starting out just like everyone else… At the beginning; In my case; Under Gods Pathway learning to trust the process…
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