August 2025
July 2025
2 most important relationships I had when young; my best friend; my first love. Both were demonic interludes that were not suppose to happen.
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My God what a nightmare. Ill be talking about and refining these stories until the day I die or they are fix and I am free.
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As for my best friend; ITs a dead story now; its a past that was exposed and worked through and now I see the enemy through n through.
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As for my first love. I would rather call it; " THE first love"; Not MY first love. I have to stop taking internalized personal ownership of it. And I am letting go; because I was making it out to be something internalized of value and it is not. I only saw it that way because I was looking at it from safe space glasses when in reality it was never right nor safe. I was in a strangers spiders den but did not see it that way. I saw everything like it was a cartoon I was watching on Saturday morning at 8 years old. It was as if I felt safe and thought I was in good hands safe; but actually it was PTSD and I as delusional; thinking I was eight years old again in my family home in my home town; thats what I was re living. By the time Im done Im half dead and destroyed; eaten alive; eaten up and spit out by that satanic nature of those criminals.
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Im getting there. The best friend is no more; hes been un earthed and discovered as well as his family; my motive for knowing them and his motive for taking advantage of everything and everyone along with his family of origin which is non of my business. And that is o so good feeling to say; its non of my business and never was. His family and placement on the street is a place I am suppose to stay away from and stayed away from. I am to back track and never go back around their ever again.
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Sometimes I ride my bike by that house; that evil haunted house. A pure place of blackness and evil. dark hatred... pure hole leading to hell. a suction into hell...
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So; ive almost if not completely disjointed myself from that experience and re wrote that whole narrative from the ground up; from the first days of my young life that I set eyes on that evil mistake.
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As for the girl I loved; Well;' its slowly turning into the same story as my " best friend". In fact they are very similar. I was fooled by both. Its allot easier to say that about my best friend. Its harder to say it because of pride; concerning the girl... I fell in love with who ever would take me... And I learned a smashing blood thirsty lesson; cant do that. That was a house of evil and corruption. And that doesnt even sound right. I have no right describing something I had no business ever being in or next to or around or near. I was never loved their. And who ever lived their were strangers to me. I with my delusional thinking created more projections onto false people once again; creating false projections of complete strangers that did not love me know me or have any thing in common with me or interests or anything. In fact; I really never showed any real part of myself; it was all false or shallow or nothing. I was passively in their presence. I guess I needed a place to hide. Wrong move. I should have seen the warning signals and stayed to myself.
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The new narrative; Im taking the hard line; Im seeing the whole or greater of the picture... Im seeing myself moving to this new place and immediately going to the nearest church and hiding out and staying their the whole time and skipping everything and everyone I met in that place.
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For some reason I over personalized my associated with that girl who lived up the street. As I write this; as soon as I write; " That girl"; up the street. I immediately now see the red flags... As soon as I write " That girl" That means run away the other direction now. Because their is no " that girl"; What is actually going on; Im escaping from the hard work and acceptance of reality that Im going to have to get the hell out of that house I live in and go to a church and hide out for my remainder of the time Im living in that area; Ill have to do that for safety. Go to Gods house and stay away from all people. The house I lived in was pure evil and a suction hole of hell.
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The girl that lived up the street; I should say the house I was invited into up the street was just another hole to hide in while I tried to figure out how to get away from the place I was living in.... The girl at the house Was just a bi standard. Meaning; she had no face or presence to me; she was living their just as I was trying to show up and live their to get away from where I was at. Soon I was found out; I was just hanging out their to get away from where I was living and they kicked me out. I was an imposter and they booted me. Why Im so mad at her; I guess I thought she would understand me. But I made the biggest mistake; she was the enemy; and I had made the enemy my friend and continue to want to make her my friend when she was my enemy; thats that part I cant seem to let go of; especially with her. Im not sure why; I thought I had someone I could control and manipulate and it didnt work because she was never who I thought she was. OR worse. she was who I finally realized she was; she was no different then then face best friend I had growing up; in fact; I hate using those words; " best friend". Ill come up with something else to describe the enemy.
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This person of my early life that some would call a best friend; he is old hat now. meaning; he is past tense; he is part of the horror and corruption of the past that I exposed and escaped from. I did enough work on monsters like that and his family... Now; If I go by that house; I do so with caution... but Im no longer a part of any of that; Any more then a recovered drug addict is apart of a trap house they are flying by from a bad part of town; its all just a bad memory of emptyness they escaped from.
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In fact; knowing that " best friend" when younger and " The girl" up the street; they are both like drugs or places for me to escape my family system I was forced to live with. These were desperate moves to escape from those places.
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In a sense; Ive escaped to the recovery process and become dependent on that. and Im learning to let go of that as well a bit; use it as maintenance and go out and get a life; build a life with Gods help; co creating with the universe. and that opportunity is present.
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As for " The girl up the street I loved"; That is slowly coming to an end. but not yet; but it is; the funeral is just around the corner; the acceptance of the reality of that horror evil satanic mess. The end conclusion of that is that I should have been at a church hiding; not some girls house. Cant say it any better then that but I was not disciplined to understand anything.
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I was using those places to hide; those houses and families; As for the girl; I thought I had someone on my side and their was absolutely no justifiable reason for it; Their was no one their on my side and no evidence of it; why I did not run from red flags; that is what Im so mad about. I allowed myself to feel like I was 5-8 years old again and in a family system and I was a little kid being taken care of by this new family. It was all dissociation delusional projecting; PTSD projecting; I was re living past things as if they were occurring in the present; but in reality; I was about to be destroyed for I was being set up in my naivety. I will be emotionally raped and thrown out... and thats exactly what happened brutally but a a bunch of sociopaths... violent sociopaths; I had no idea who I was dealing with.. They were covert... I walked up to them as if " they would never hurt me; I got an in"; Well I was wrong; I didnt have an in. And in the end; I could not protect myself and that hurt my pride to the point that I could never face the truth. The truth was I was around a bunch of monsters and I got destroyed by them. destroyed once again. I kept trying to do the same thing over n over n over again; find some other family system to live off of... It never worked; I never lived up to who I thought I was; I would get discovered as an imposter; stripped of my value and thrown out. I was playing with the wrong group of people and I didnt appreciate that.
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In the end; I see a new picture for myself during that time; get to the nearest church; get to know the people and stay their and live their and work with them and never leave. 2 bad I could not have joined a 12 step group or psych group or have councilors and therapists durning that time. I just didnt know yet that I needed them. Everything was falling apart but I had no supervision or anyone on my side; I was truly alone. In the end I had to get destroyed to a point that I had to get help... the world; the weight of the world crushed me; and I got help... I also got damaged by the world and its people. thrown and and dismissed...
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After getting thrown out and dismissed; I felt hurt as if I had lost a good friend; as if I had made some kind of real friend in that girl. The fact is; their was no friend... And thats the hardest thing for me to deal with. and Im not their yet; but I am. I can see it but I hate accepting it and dealing with it emotionally because it means I was defeated or lost or un successful again at taking care of my own life. I tried to sneak off from my original family system and never made it; I got pulled back in and had to leave all outside things I was developing. I never finally escaped. I got beaten and pummeled and never made it.
In the end I slowly worked through all of it; and still am in the recovery process. However,
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Getting over that girl is one of the last areas to work on; that and the sexual abuser. ITs slowly happening; the realities I dont want to look at or accept; my pride was hurt because I was demoralized by these people and I dont want to accept it; I didnt win; I lost the war... I was defeated.
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