September 2025
August 2025
Much has occurred over the last weeks; Much recovery.
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Today; was a great day.
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Vacations were brought up to me by a lawyer of all people; I wont go into the details; it seemed he appreciated the idea more then I did; in fact; I think he needed one more then me. Its was God calling through him leading me into new directions. Also my inner being was leading me to trains... to take trips. Also; The universe put the idea of having a car in my agenda of thoughts! Yes? I dont know. I think so... So; the expansional idea is one day cheap vacations. Short distances; at the most about 150 miles for most; for average; about 40 miles... One summer getaway is 35 miles away; I could go out there twice a week. Id love to...
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I made a plan or had part of one presented to me from the universe last year... The idea was; I need to take more vacations... I prayed about it. After meditation on the subject; Trains appeared of interest and I looked into that.
Then; the idea had come to me about cars awhile back; Did it come from God? I dont know. I would have to have enough gas and insurance money. I thought it a great idea for smaller type one day vacation trips... trips in my local area and state and maybe a few places over the state line!
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So; Many things came to mind. I thought; OKE; Im not getting any answers concerning having a car or insurance or gasoline money. So; What about asking others for help. So I did; I asked several people if they wanted to help. I want to go to these specific places; I have this much money; would you help me. In many cases; people would help me out for free... or close to that it seems; not charge me all that much; It seems they wanted to go to the same places I wanted to go to.
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So; when would it start. Well; first I decided how many times I want to go this year; about 20 times this summer... We will see. Actually about 17 times...
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Well; Im going on a campout next week to one of these vacation areas.
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And TODAY; I went with a friend to a vacation area.... THis will be my first vacation one day trip of this summer... And it worked out exceptionally well; But I spent to much money; specifically on food. IT was easy for my friend to eat out; Not so financially easy for me. So; next time I pack a lunch...
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I wrote about allot of insights while there.
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I started creating art outside again at this place; I wondered when I would get started with art again;
at the next level; well; its started.
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I learned a great deal about where Im at right now in my life; my limitations and what needs to be worked on in my life.
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My goal is
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1. Working with God; I want to create an outside world for myself that helps heal my PTSD based trauma brain and nervous system; meaning; I find myself participating in activities that would help rehab my condition. The goal; Im getting real world experience at things I love to do outside or way outside my apartment; outside in the real world. So; This means; creating steps in my brain to the things I want to do outside; and it means a journey to find out what things fit me outside... And that is a journey in itself; Something like that. Its personal...
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2. I realized after creating a little art I went into a depression and had nothing but horrible thoughts about myself ( horrible things to say about myself) and horrible self talk of a depressing nature; nothing positive; just abusive fear zone; meaning I was cowering down like Im being beaten on and warped emotionally and mentally. Being trained through abuse to respond... trapped mummified) And I thought; How am I going to change this to something positive; what would positive look like while making Art and after done making art pictures... I was outside at this vacation spot for the day; looking over the river to the hills on the other side of the river... I felt desolate and alone and thought; my God; is this all I know how to do in this life; I can do nothing else. And I realized I was creating massive " What IF" Fear statements against myself... Self doubt statements; I wonder if this was not the abusers of my past talking through me again. So; I have allot of positive clean up around Art creation; positive clean up of my thoughts. These negative thoughts are old school; they dont belong here anymore!
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And I have a whole life to clean up from negative to positive because the negative does not exist anymore; where are my accusers or abusers? Im free!
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What's it feel like to be free? ( Im not completely sure but I kind of am?) ( I cant deny what is going on here; I am or have become a kind of free); Its hard! Its silent! Its alone... But not really; I wasn't alone (SMILE)! I was with my friend who drove me in his nice Jeep to the vacation spot..
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To be free is to have gaps between where Im at and where I want to be; but they are silent quite gaps; and a personal experience with GOd and recovery groups is needed to slowly show me how to shore up the gaps; or to at least support me emotionally through the safety of the rooms as I learn how to do this.
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I could feel it; I walked around and walked around and walked around this little rural resort area; and as I was walking around; I said to myself that I could be the original person again; I could end up being that person and a doing what the original person was intending to do according to Gods directions; just as I was doing as a kid...
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Im starting to be more present.
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I realized most of my work is about reclaiming my mind from dissociation dysfunction; meaning; its always dissociating every minute every second; So much so; my reality is derailed and dulled... I want my mind to stay present more n more so; Ill have to exercise it to attempt positive change; long lasting openness of brain and nervous system; constant openness to reality. I mean physically; slowing down the dissociation process. Im more aware of dissociation on second by second basis but cant seem to do anything about it; its broken; It keeps dissociating even if Im not in danger; it never stops... So; I will work on this and I would like the right areas and activities and places and experiences in the real world that will enhance this process of healing while being in places I really want to be in and really want to experience; experiencing new adventures that are based on feeling right to me and nothing else.
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I am not from the Middle class; I am from the Trauma class; Thus; the way I go about making decisions for my future is not the same. I belong to a trauma tribe or trauma culture or broken culture of survival people; we have our own ways of living and surviving and thinking and what is important and what is not.. The general public might get jobs to feed there families; I get jobs that will help cause relief for PTSD and I find those experiences by feelings not by calculating through personality interest tests. However, Im not knocking those tests; Im an INTP... I have no problem with this.
Im just suggesting what is important for me. For what is important for me is inline with GOd and its logic is much different then the general middle class persons experiences; It has to be for me to survive. I am not trying to " Fit In"...
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I talked about being a victim at the meeting and not present and how its affecting my ability to get a car.
Laziness keeps me from taking an interest in a specific woman... or liking anyone; Im to lazy to like anyone. Im to lazy to care enough to like myself first in that area; but that is changing right now...
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I have to apricate women if I want to be around them.. I will address and approach people I like or Im attracted to; but that will never happen if Im to lazy to grasp the concept that Liking is something I do first before I meet someone; I have to be likeable to be likeable to others; and Im so lazy in all this; unmotivated. I have to have that character trait. It has to be built back within me to meet new people. Im a new person growing so having a defeated personality is not part of the card game anymore. When ready; with Gods help; Ill address everyone of these issues; I plan on being successful no matter what I choose to focus on...
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I was crippled out of being successful by the predators and fake relatives I had to associate with or be captive from. Although these affronted nightmares destroyed the inside of me from longer term PTSD and Dissociative disorder; I am now able to create a new life coinciding with the damage within me from the past life. Its like having 2 people; but they are both nice people and sensitive people; One is happily building a life; the other is subdued and destroyed and dealing with their own trauma and quite... 2 different sides of me... The broken side deals with the PTSD all day long; but does not believe in it anymore; instead; its part of the trauma damage one lives with. But my future side is open to continue to grow. I have no accusers anymore; they are all gone... The PTSD let me believe they are alive and well for ever until the day I die Because I see them forcibly ever day with no choice but to relieve what they did to me...
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I think of women and cars and money and career; Im inodiated by the past. Its the past speaking from me; Not Me! Its my mother or father or fake grandparents or fake relatives or fake friends or.....speaking from me or the monsters I unfortunately associated with; predators I innocently associated with; not knowing it would cost me my heart and I would say my life and my sanity.
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All of these past events do not add up to my future; in fact; they have nothing to do with me nor with my future; these were things done to me; and the pain and damage from trauma certainly kept me closed in within PTSD walls and still do; but I; with Gods help have and am creating a new life and Im watching; day by day; Im watching it expand and unfold. Its an exhilarating experience.
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As I build a new life; there is no reason to remember the old one... And I am in the change over right now.
I must remember not to grab hold to fast of anything new that could bite me in the outside world; Not near strong enough; I could be hurt again. This time Im like the Turtle and the Rabbit; in fact; I've forcibly had to learn to be the turtle the whole time in my recovery story. The story of the turtle and the rabbit is a good story to indicate what my recovery experience has been like.
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