August 2025
July 2025
It happened again; another connection…
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This time I was watching TV shows from the past of my generation… “ We’r the young people and we’v got somth’n to say”;
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So; from my childhood I was watching the Partridge Family; All young kids wanted to be like Keith Partridge when they grew up… He was a great example of how we were like in those days… Those shows represent life fairly well; when when I was a young boy in my childhood. Its like looking at a merrier in time. More importantly; it represents my identity at that time period.
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Something happened as I was remembering. I remember those shows when I was kid; I remember watching them; so re watching them again is just like being back in my childhood.
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However; Something strange happened; Suddenly I was thinking about women and connecting with them and not feeling good enough.
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Im the guy that was goofy around women; I didn’t have any training from a big brother or friend or uncle on how to pick up women; Meaning; meeting them; courting them and so on; into a relationship; I did know anything… So; I bungled around once in awhile; And I kind of randomly mindless fell into a girlfriend; and unfortunately it was more then just a horrible horrible disaster… Most of the time it was someone fare below my value system level; so much so; I was fairly unhappy and confused most of the time; resentful they were never the right kind of people for me; but always the wrong kind of people completely.
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I still don’t know what Im doing; but Now atleast I have a more constructive attitude about the whole thing.
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Im the classic guy that looked at women as always being way better then me; I didn’t have a chance with. If they were really pretty; I simply gave up long before I would ever get near them; I was to intimidated by their looks and would run. I felt bad inside if I got to close because they wouldnt need someone like me; they had a million options. They had so many options I would never put myself into that situation just to be humiliated.
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Also; I was so unsure of myself around women; I just could not be myself and joke around or act like everything was OK.
I was to shy and never felt worth much around women. I just gave up and never got near them anymore and went off into my own world…
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MENTAL BREAK DOWNS>
My mental break downs; The many Ive had; left me similar to being like someone with a stroke. Literally; very similar.
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Meaning; Ive really only been able to go to 12 step meetings speak and ride mountain bikes most of the time.
My Mountain biking is what keeps me sane.
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Heres the point; Now; Im starting to rehabilitate; Im working with a better attitude about getting better; to learn how to get back in touch with society.
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Something happened when watching these TV shows of my past; and then I watched some dating channels on how to talk to women or date; And suddenly I realized I never felt anywhere near good enough about myself to date anyone. Im not sure I feel any different right now; But something happened.
Suddenly I felt connected; aligned with my worth and value and I said to myself; “ I can do this”; it was like I was connecting to my own independence…
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I was at that frequency again I remember when a kid growing and secretly believing in myself and my future and wanting my independence. And suddenly I felt it again. It happened; I connected… I connected to that person of the past; The me of the past that would grow independently. And felt really confidence and good enough about myself. I felt good about myself; suddenly confidence; like I walked into that frequency. And suddenly I said to myself; Im good enough to take a chance and see what happens. Im all good; I can do this; I can take this chance regardless of the outcome; Im good enough and Im worth it… but its more then this. Its like; Im somebody; I can do this… I felt good about myself.
And I don’t think this is leaving because I tapped into this frequency and I don’t think this part of me is leaving. Instead; Ill ask God for more of this and how to build it and sustain it for my life.
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