September 2025
August 2025
Today was a hard day.
Someone at the meetings disrespected me; it shocked me a bit; but now I realize I was just brought back to reality a little bit. I get away with being in my own world in those places so I can recovery and at times someone ruptures that sphere. And I forget at times where I'm at LOL. I'm with a bunch of crazies and sociopaths and drunks and mentally Ill and lawless criminals trying to get off drugs and over weight fat people trying to stop there codependency with there children... Some are brain dead who have no other place to go. Some are doing quite well. And others are like me; outlanders; we come from the outskirts of nowhere to try to find ourselves and create a new life... And so much more.
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Today as been a tuff day. I'm somewhere in the middle of Limbo land; between what I used to be and how I responded and the new me heading toward becoming a successful member of society. What a strange concept. Its happening though I guess; don't give me a lie detector test; I would not know who was answering. I'm not sure about anything right now.
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I've been in such agony emotionally; My inner being has been aligning me with several things and I'm just not ready to interact with the world yet. I've been a recluse most of my life. First I was destroyed and then damaged and then hiding and then a recluse; lost..
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Suddenly aligning with my inner being; not so suddenly; I've been working on this for awhile; My inner being begins to show me his interests. I want to know my purpose and what makes me feel good; So; Many things of my inner beings interests have been showing up in my imagination; However, I cant do them. I have no Resources allocated to such things. It doesn't do me any good if the universe does not show up with the money for things; I've learned this the hard way. And I'm not getting caught in it again. However, My inner being seems to have plans for things and I don't. I cant take what's happening in my imagination and the world that's being created in it. Its been driving me crazy. Its not doing me any good. The universe will have to bring me these things; attract them to me and pay for them or I have no interest and no faith; I wont go there ever. the universe has to follow through 100% or no go. I'm fine either way. Ill find something else to do. So; I get these be grand ideas in my heart and imagination but something is missing. Its as if I don't have the money. I mean; its something like that. Like big plans but who's going to pay for them. If the universe does not pay for them; I wont move. It may sound strange; but they are my inner beings plans; not mine.
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I see those thoughts and ideas passing through me but that's as far as I will allow them. I remember asking the universe for a truck. I remember signs appearing and I remember a friend telling me I could use his truck any time I wanted to go into the mountains to mountain bike. Thats fine; but that's not what I ask the universe for; I asked the universe for a truck. It never happened. I never pursued it. I guess I did not trust the universe would find a proper way in my life to afford a truck. So; again as usual; I stopped trusting the universe or my inner being. If the universe could not make a safe plan for me to acquire a truck. I stopped. I assume my inner being never wanted me to have a truck; it was not in alignment with my inner being.
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It seems what aligned with my inner being is never aligned with my pocket book. So; I stopped believing the universe or my inner being.
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I have to admit that I know new ideas have been coming through me; that I know; its not the old me; its the new me and for that I am astonished and surprised and I guess its a sign of growth. But it doesn't mean I go into dept. I wont do it.
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If the universe puts in my mind and heart a love for travel lets say on boats and I begin to be pulled to study boats and vlogs on couples who love to travel by boat and it feels so right and I follow and study so much I can see myself going to these places; but suddenly I realize something; who's going to pay for it. When is the universe going to show up at that moment and pay for it. Where's the money. Why isn't the universe paying for it. I don't trust the pathways the universe is suppose to show me to Uptain the money to do things because the universe never follows through. I owe the universe nothing. I did not ask to be born or go through this insanity and abuse on this planet. I don't like anything or anyone playing games with me including my inner being or the universe.
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I got caught in this once when buying a guitar; it aligned correctly with the universe; I got the credit card out and bought it. And then I realized; wait a minute; the universe is suppose to buy this. It never happened. I learned a hard lesson spiritually from this.
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Some how the universe is opening me up to new things and I may have to look at those things as just openings not things I'm suppose to act on. If the universe really wanted me to act on them; the money would show up with the universes name on it; its that simple. But it doesn't.
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I'm now working with meditation on wealth and money management. A money consciousness. To be interested in making money or attracting money; I guess I'm lacking in this area.
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So; I just get disappointed and I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I have to admit many things have been going forward. And my social abilities have been changing.
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My manifestations don't feel good to me. I almost feel like they are demonic and its the devil that is getting ahold of them and not the universe; like I'm being played with by demons and the universe. I don't know what to think. Maybe non of it is from God or the universe and I should not listen to any of it.
I do not believe God is sending me in the direction of a guitar but leaving me out of a ledge because the universe does not show me how to pay for it. I simply give up and go away.
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Something is terribly wrong here; I don't know. I am growing but I refuse to do anything unless the universe also pays for it or I wont budge. and I wont.
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The universe has to follow through or nothing! And so fare the universe had not followed through on anything. Nothing; not in a decent way. Nothing.
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I'm saying I'm not growing; but when it comes to guitars and trips and cars and money and things even women; nothing! there has been no relationships or money or cars or anything else. This is ridiculous. I'm not suggesting I don't get ideas or growth. Growth has occurred. Don't get me wrong.
Lately I've gotten the idea of making music again; Great; I think its from my inner being. I got the idea of writing music using the computer. I need a desk and a monitor. Suddenly I was getting these alignment ideas of these professional level desks and 43 inch monitors. I mean; It seems like that's what I aligned to; I guess my inner being and I lined up with what looks great to manifest. But it never manifested. Its just these big ideas in my imagination. but it goes no further. Suddenly the universe is no where to be seen when it comes time to pay for them. I've been through this numerous times.
I thought I was to get a car to go on vacations; I thought this was something my inner being was lining up. Nope. Nothing! Nothing has shown up yet and no answer to how I would afford a car with all the exterior responsibilities and who is going to pay for the vacations. I'm just trying to follow my inner being and the universe. But the universe does not seem to want to pay for anything or come up with an answer for a long-term solution. After awhile my brain gets to paranoid to turn to God for anything; I cant tell if God is on my side or trying to destroy me. I get so tired of this.
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I do see things unfolding in my imagination but nothing worth reporting in the real world; meaning; I didn't end up with a girl friend; but I did got close to some women and start interacting with them when I had no idea how that would happen. And its showing that I am starting to interact with the world again. And that is a true manifestation.
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The fact my mind opened up to travel plans and it opened up to making music again and was exited about it; that was a true manifestation; My God that got me out of the house outside again. crazy!
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However, For it to work; I really need a monitor and notation software. And a desk to work with. the problem is; In my imagination I see these things align. I can see it and feel it and it scares me but it goes no further. Nothing ever shows up. Why doesn't the universe just let me find some junk monitor some where and an old piece a wood to put my keyboard on. I would do this I guess. But I cant see anything in my head. I'm so very confused.
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I planned out a kind of trip that I studied on YouTube; a vacation of interest; but as usual; I was let down. It seems the universe and my inner being suddenly are not with me.
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I'm so very confused... Does my inner being want me tied up in a box for the rest of my life doing nothing. the problem is; I don't trust this anymore. I never did. No one ever proved anything. Thats the first place the universe should have gone.
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I'm so very tired of all this. I person should not have to literally kill themselves just to stay alive. Something is wrong with all this.
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I just wanted direction that's all.
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Most of what I've mentioned here started in my heart and imagination and I asked God for direction and got nothing. So; I'm totally confused on everything. Nothing it seems I want does the universe agree to; Nothing.
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Nothing seems right. I cant tell if I'm dealing with heaven or hell. I've finally gotten to the point of nothing believing or trusting anything in my own mind or heart or imagination because nothing ever comes of it. I just give up and stay to myself.
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However; I have to admit things are moving forward in areas. I mean; they are; I am getting better.
I was walking around the other day in the park recording things for a composition but now I don't want to do anything with music anymore because the universe did not follow through. I don't know what to do or what to think. Does the universe hate me? or want me dead or crippled or smashed out of existence. I don't get this. I'm truly exhausted from all this.
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If the universe brought me 5000 dollars; that is not enough for me to male a decision; I want to know I'm going in the right direction with the money. if in my imagination I see a motor cycle and I see my inner being pushing the idea with excitement; I would expect something to tell me to buy it with the money given; But that does not happen. Its as if suddenly everything dies; I get no signs from the universe to go in this direction; I mean; real world signs... Nothing. And so I do nothing; I wont go in that direction. So; the money just sits and I have no use for it. I have lots of thoughts come through my head as if I'm going in the right direction but nothing ever pans out. I'm at the point that I wont touch the money. I cant tell what to believe. This is true with the Arts as well. I wont move in them; nothing unless the universe paves a way for it... I refuse.
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I spend my time thinking the universe and I are on the same wave length; but we never are. Ever it seems; nothing. I cant tell what is going on. I think my inner being is telling me something but its just noise. I thought my inner being wanted me to have a car; Nothing. I thought I was suppose to make music; Nothing; I thought I was suppose to make art; nothing. I thought I was suppose to buy music equipment; nothing. I thought I was suppose to look into this vacation interest; Nothing. !@
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I guess non of these things are part of my alignment; so; why the interest in such things; then what then; what is my purpose; what am I suppose to do with my life.
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I have gotten better; ask anyone. But the universe does not follow through on anything I want to do with my life; nothing! I'm so confused. I just want the right thoughts to come into my head so I know what the next step is... that's all I want. But they lead to nothing. I try to align with my inner being and it seems a break through. but then suddenly realize; wait. Thats my money I'm going into dept over; not the Univers's. I stop immediately and refuse to get caught up in that. If the universe wants me to have a car the universe would show me the pathways but nothing happens. SO I guess the universe does not want me to have a car? What did I do to the universe to gather this level of hatred. I'm so tired...
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The universe does not follow through on anything. Nothing so I don't have a clue what direction to go into. All the stuff I read about concerning the laws of attraction and learning how to know what my inner being is trying to tell me and how to know what the next hunch is toward finding my purpose in life. NOTHING! no follow through by the universe; nothing. So I don't budge. I guess I'm not allowed to have a life of any kind I guess. I just don't understand what is going on here; its like a big game.
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If the universe has stopped me from all of these things; from moving forward then what exactly am I suppose to do... ??????????? I'm so confused.
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I want to make it clear; I do not owe God or the universe anything. Nothing; I am reporting exactly on what I see and what I've went through. At some point God and the universe should be big enough to follow through for themselves. I do not give credit where it is not doe. I only give credit to God and the universe where they have shown to follow through.
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I'm not suggesting they have not followed through on some things. My life is much different then before. I had a Genteman I've been in recovery with for 20 years; he said to me yesterday that for the last 3 years I'm not even the same person he previously remembers. I explained the changes; he meant it in a positive way.
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I guess I just don't understand. Its as if I'm not allowed a girlfriend or a vacation or a car or talents. Nothing. So; I don't move. If God sent me money for something but did not explain what its for; Ill send it back. I'm not interested.
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So; I don't understand any of this. I believe my inner being opened up my mind spiritually to new thing but doesn't follow through. So; what am I to think.
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I do not trust the universe anymore to open up pathways to things. I will not trust the universe concerning taking a chances with the universe; No pathways seem to open up. Nothing happens. What is the pathway for a car. I guess I'm not suppose to have one. Oke! Why? am I not good enough for a F__cking car???
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The problem I'm seeing is this; No human being can keep getting played like this over n over n over; something is wrong here. A God and universe that cares about its people would not do this to someone over n over over; they would fix this... I guess I'm going in a giant wrong direction. Its all a dead end sign.
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So; what is the right direction. I try to align with my inner being and things like music and art and vacations come up; But then they are sliced and smashed to death. And I have no more interest in trusting the universe anymore. I guess these are STOP signs telling me not to go in these directions. OKE; fair enough. But why is my imagination getting filled up of interest in such things; it appears its by my inner being. I guess its not! Its not my inner being. So; I don't know what my inner being wants for me. I guess maybe I've actually never listened to my inner being or ever heard his voice.
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So; I don't understand. I've never heard my inner voice before? I guess not because I keep going in the wrong direction that gets stopped. How do I hear my inner being. Because I have no direction from him. Nothing. its not enough for my inner being to tell me what direction to go in; They must pay for it or its useless. And if my inner being is not going to show me a way to pay for it; its a lie and its not coming from God; its coming from Satan!
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Fair enough; but what then or how am I suppose to know what my inner being is saying to me; what direction. I don't know what direction to go in. I guess I've never heard my inner beings voice talk to me or direct me. I guess I've never been in a direction of my inner being. SO; how do I do this. I've been meditating and I guess its useless so fare.
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If I'm not suppose to have these things then it seems like something is lying to me. So; what then do I do? I just don't understand any of this. I guess I'm going in the wrong direction. SO; what is the right direction. I mean; I will pray; I'm not suggesting I'm not getting better.
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I've been outside twice in the last several days. I've never been this free before outside. I know I'm getting better; I'm getting free of the past. I just want to know what I'm suppose to do with my life. I'm obviously not suppose to do music or Art or have a car or a girlfriend. fair enough; but How am I suppose to live? I mean; what am I suppose to do. How can I listen to what my inner being is trying to tell me if I'm getting hit in my heart and mind with all these lies. Where are all these lies coming from. They are obviously not from God. Where are they coming from. What is coming from God; What am I suppose to do or how am I suppose to express myself. Nothing makes any sense.
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However, as I said; I have gotten better but I seem to be on the wrong track on everything. What is coming to me is a lie; its not my inner being talking to me or the universe or from God. Its as if I've never talked to them before. I'm on the wrong track.
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I'm afraid I don't know who I am. I mean. I'm completely cut of from God/Universe and my inner being.
So; Im not sure what is next; it seems these spiritual things dont work on me. I mean; all the things Ive studied dont work on me. Im never really talking to my inner being. I mean; Its as if I must be making it up myself. So; Ive never really talked to my inner being. I have no idea what my inner being is or what he has said or what direction he has for my life; I do not hear him in meditation. I do not get get correct directions from anyone after meditation; nothing. I have no direction. Nothing.
You cant ask me to do something if your not going to pay for it. It is truly useless.... Im so very confused.
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And this is what its like for me right now in the land of finding my Purpose; its not an easy thing; its like being in a war. I still pray to God and pray God will some how put me on a new track that explains who I really am and what Im really suppose to being doing with my life.
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