September 2025
August 2025
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Things are changing slowly; It's up to me how much work I want to do.
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I'm recognizing specifics; as problems; I'm wanting to come through or break through trauma that set me in a dissociative condition from events starting in 5th grade; where everything was destroyed; very much like someone suddenly looking up and bombs are coming down on there city and country and they realize; all is over... ITs the same thing; same kind of thing. It was all over for me. However, things had been happening to me from the day I was born. Strangely I do not remember interacting with my mother; I remember seeing her accept when the psychopathic part of her would come out on me; I was a veteran of dealing with it at the age of 3 1/2; I knew to ignore it.
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Here I am now; about to take very very very small steps at a time moving forward in a specific direction of things that because of trauma I could not deal with or move forward with. My whole life shut off; shut off for good; I think if I can make it past this protective fantasy area; and work through it my life may just be starting on again. I'm not suggesting perfection; I'm suggesting the first stage...
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The goal is to move slowly beyond to the next level. I've all ready discovered the possibility of change concerning my situation. I've worked up to a place that I can now take the next step; and that step is slowly working through a child wall that was protecting me; its a wall of PTSD and Dissociation., I have to move slowly very slowly; as that wall caught me off guard to protect me when young; and what caused that wall begins to show up when ever I attempt to get close to it and I've never been able to get close to it; it was completely shut off and before that my whole childhood was shut down; shut off. All of it; I can feel the hatred and pain of it; being destroyed with no choice. However, I'm Back! At least enough to see what I wanted from my childhood and to go back and get it.
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So; I'm at that place of the wall; I'm still in a protective place. How to break into that wall; well; I start something like art work. Thats where it starts; Its a kind of vulnerability; once I start; it starts; However, at this point something brilliant is happening; Once opened up I go to a meeting and talk about it. And I get a kind of immediate feeling of support. And that's what's been happening. I'm able to take a small step then go to a meeting and report on it and feel a sense of safety and support; something I never ever had when young or much of my life. Its a newer concept for me. It works so far that I've experimented with it. I actually found myself opening up something from my childhood; talking about it; No one attacked; no cross talk or opinions thrown at me; nothing. It was like a normal family or safe family. The point is; I didn't get attacked; I didn't get anything; I mean; I was within a group of people and left alone. And I got the support I need. I know that if I keep this up; at some point Ill break through I think? I have no idea what's at the center of this; to flush this whole thing out of my system. My mind has been warped.
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I'm willing to work through that warp'eg
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I don't have a clue what it will really be like or how far I can get. We will see.
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The starting point of all this is some new computer music equipment and the beginning of creating in a specific way. This specific set of problems will trigger this past PTSD condition; I'm assuming Ill be shut down over n over n over. And Ill try a new avenue; but at some point: Ill break through to even more ground. I don't know what will happen. I'm guessing what could happen in a positive sense.
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When will I start; maybe today; Maybe right now. Also; the start is when I'm ready to buy some new stuff concerning this situation. That has to manifest naturally; when its time. So; I'm slowly working on that. I'm not feeling it yet; but I am sensing the pressure of such things; but not yet.
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ITs building but I'm still dissociated from it; I mean; its like a thought in my head and I'm living out here in the world. So; 2 different places that as I get stronger have to meet.
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I had a very good magnificent situation happen the other day; A friend walked with me for a while in a neighborhood. We walked around and talked; it reminded me of my childhood when I would talk with someone and talk about God and feel safe and for a moment I re felt it; And that one sign is among many signs that things are returning to me.
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However; here's the deal. I'm beginning to understand what happened to me when young. I wanted my life to grow; my identity; I looked outside the house I was living in for all of those things; friends and social and many things; the problem was; the people I found looked good; looked the part but there hearts were not with me. Was this my fault; No! I did nothing to them. This is about them. My part was the mistake of ever meeting them. And many I met.
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Now; its strange; for the same thing is happening as I slowly come back to reality; I'm seeing I'm a sensitive good person who always loved God; but this time I don't attract the false fake un real faker people I was associating with when young.
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So; its very strange to start coming back to the idea of being my real self again and getting the support I need but not by the people of the past. I did so one thing smart when young; I told them off; many of them in my own way and by calling or letter at the time; that is because this is there problem not mine; I was a decent person; that identity does not change. I simply ran into bad people over n over n over; and why did that happen; I was 2 young and didn't know better; later I did not work with God on who to meet. I ended up doing what most will end up with; random scraps. I ended up with people I had no idea about; and most of the time they were fakers... I learned a horrible valuable lesson.
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I've met people in meetings that act intelligent and turn out to be stalkers around me with no respect for me but could not see it in there personalities until it was 2 late; however, I pulled way back from them when they crossed the line and don't associate with them anymore.
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SO; the point is; the real me is coming back but this time with all new support and personalized friends that will play the part I originally wanted when young from others. This is truly a stressful kind of thing to come back online with no trace of my former life; no one. However, I have God and replacements and it looks like Ill have myself back. Thats what slowly growing in the garden.
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I'm not back yet but I kind of am but have very little specific support right now; I mean I'm so weak. But signs of my identity are here.
The people that will support me now? I don't know? its a God things and I wait on God but ask for help for support.
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So; the goal is to make a list of my goals and dreams; keep working on purpose with God; " God" "what is my purpose"; meditations of purpose wealth money and positive thinking; and studying online law of attraction coaches on how to talk to the universe in a positive way and myself to bring in or attract wealth of all kinds...
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2 areas of beginning change; a train ride and the buying of a computer or a monitor and field recorder. Or both. Not sure yet.
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And I would like to take a trip; I can feel it; so; Ill work with the universe on that as well.
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Just took another step with my equipment; By doing so; I authentically triggered my past when I was fooling around with things in my room when I was a kid; you could look out the window and see the yard and my street and the sky above; beautiful. And by changing some equipment right now; starting on this path; immediately I'm back in my room as a kid. I need support right now! And that's how this works. And that's the brutal level of stress going on; its horrible; I must have support even on a small change of things. Or PTSD over takes me completely and I'm not here anymore. So I'm feeling it.
What am I feeling; Well; its not bad but its to much! I'm very close to reliving a day in the life of my childhood; I'm even seeing myself go to my best friends house. I mean; I'm there much more then usual; at a deeper level. And other time periods are trying to move in on that as well; I'm trying to block them; And I will.
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This is not bad; I mean; the more I can handle getting InTouch with my childhood the more its mine and I own it again. Its a 2 edged sword. The closer I get to my childhood and can handle it the better; but the process to get to my original childhood and handle it; Causes massive PTSD; and thus at some point full dissociation and when that happens; it all blocks off and I'm blocked out.
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SO; I believe I can slowly slowly slowly with support begin to move inward and take chances and look around in that past childhood; its actually not past; I mean; this is about my identity; about getting it back; it was ruined destroyed and ran over; the psychopaths wanted me brain dead so they could use me abuse me and throw me away. They wanted my memory of the past gone; they wanted me full of trauma and fear that would amnesia my past right out from underneath me. They want a live body with no brain is what they were trying to create.. They are lawless and destroy children or anyone was a thrill or fun for them nothing else. its exciting for them to destroy the brain and the body if they could of a child.
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I'm attempting to get my identity back; that's what this is all about. This is a treacherous road; Right from the starts; its dissociative city. I'm doing better but I need a footing a grounding a landing that can set up a base within myself; and it will come but I'm asking for 2 much right now. Not enough emplacements for that.
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I'm trying to get back to ground level and accept myself as that child in the backyard of my house and skip everything else and go from there. Work through the brainwashing these monsters did to me concerning my worth. They had to destroy myself and my self identity and self worth until I started destroying myself. Thats exactly what they wanted; When they pulled the rest of my life out from underneath me; it was also because they were moving on and didn't care; Very much like a serial killer who destroys there victim and then takes them to the hills in a van and throws them out.
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I'm very much one of those victims and I'm attempting to get reestablished and get myself back and under my feet.
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Unfortunately my childhood was disposable from there perspective. I was not suppose to have a childhood; I made one for myself no one knew about. My mother was lust hungry to destroy children; she did what my father told her to do; I was my fathers property and she stayed inline; she had no choice.
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What is God doing for me today; God is recreating my childhood spiritually and in many cases literally that I can walk outside and be around the right people and do this thing again with real authentic friends and people... and so; that's what I'm working toward. Is kind of unbelievable but its happening. However, its slow and I have to work with God on it.
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I have many advantages these days because concerning my past; I've worked through it enough that I'm not losing anything regardless of my past; meaning; non of the people ever turned out to be worth much or worth much to me; in fact; many were lying to me; they were not my friends; they were faking it; it seems almost all of it concerning social was fake. Thus; I never lost anything. I never really had anything.
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These days; God is recreating the right people for me to associate with that are inline with Gods plans for my life. I'm starting to experience it. Its great; but its just a start. Security safety; feeling taken care of safe loved. On a safe path between my destinations.
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The goal is to define who I am again; get back alignment of that person or this person. And with Gods help and daily support; slowly introduce the necessary people into my life that are supportive rolls at a personal level and recreate my original life the way it was suppose to go. Its like finding foster parents or foster family; I really good one? Yes; that's possible for me the adult. And almost relieving a childhood again; starting where I left off in early childhood; facing what happened; facing he day of beheading and staying awake through it; that wont be easy; its like watching someone capture me torture me and kill me. Can I withstand the horror and reality of all that; we will see and then staying awake and with Gods help; moving on from where I last was live and well and succeeding as a child; I'm looking at up to age 8-9. And going from there. Letting God in and taking the Reighns and moving forward into what I was to become.
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In todays adult world; where I'm at now; I'm not trying to learn how to ride a bike to develop; I did that when I was 5. Today the same spiritual lesson will show up with being consistent with music composition.
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So; working with God; and all the support I have and the practicing of positive wealth based concepts within how I speak to myself and the universe and studying success and wealth and coaches on youtube and...... The list goes on. Its all leading back to creating a person with a positive outlook that feels cozy and loved. We will see if I can recreate with God; That new person; I can kind of see it but I'm still out in the cold of limbo no mans land.. Slowly thinking about new things and seeing if the landscape changes into those new things I'm thinking about. I'm still on the outside slowly absorbing inward... Signs I'm absorbing inward.
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So; THats number 2
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That means I've fooled around with the desk I would use to hold music gear and I fooled around with an instrument today. Thats 2 new things moving in the direction I want to move in. I'm looking for ergonomics concerning my art stuff.. getting it to fit together.
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ANd I just down loaded some classical music stuff from a website made for us to do that. and Ive put a few notes on page... So far OKey.
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Starting to realize; I have 1 desk; an art desk Im using for art computer stuff and gaming computer.
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I like this desk for writing notation.
I've got one desk for model building.
And I guess Ill have another station for music; I mean; that makes sense...
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By starting things again; I don't feel good inside; I don't feel protected or good about myself; I was just at another meeting with allot of people; I just don't feel good enough; its like everyone is 10 feet tall and as everything going for them;; I told them I wasn't working and I feel shame and not worthy or good enough; thought that might help; maybe it will; maybe I'm trying to cover my feelings to I'm exposed and wont get hurt. I'm doing what I'm suppose to do.
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And I pray about it.
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Im getting fat; this is not helping either. its getting out of control.
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I have to remember; Im looking for my purpose.
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When I started writing music again; I felt so dumb; like; I can hardly do this; who am I fooling; Ive never done anything on my own; nothing. I feel so inept. All of these feelings coming out as I start doing something outside my comfort level. I guess.
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I didn't realize but I'm actually living in the past.. Its like I've never left the street I grew up on; No problem except its a kind of PTSD...
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SO; when I break away from that into the real world; suddenly I've never done anything at all. And I'm afraid to tell others and feel good about it; but I'm doing it right now; this is how I start; and it brings up horrible sadness because my childhood; I felt like I was just thrown away and left; no way I would ever accomplish anything that way. and I don't like these feelings and feel inadequate; like maybe I'm just stupid and slower then others and in school; and cant keep up couldn't keep up; no way; my mind was not present tho.
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I think I know where all of this is going; Ill end up fighting to create things and wont care anymore; Ill slowly work through the feelings associated with it.
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This is a hard time right now in Limbo Land.
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